Fearful of losing another child to death

[classylady]

Many of you know that I had a 19 year old daughter die in a car accident. That was ten years ago. For the most part I feel that I handled her death with grace. I still grieve, but the pain isn't as sharp as it was.

Since her death, there have been times when my imagination gets away from me, and I start thinking "what if" something like that happens to another one of my children. Take today, for example, our car won't start, so my 18 year old son will need to ride his bike to work. We live along a busy highway, and I started to panic thinking about him getting hit by a car as he's riding to work. I even started to cry, getting so stressed about this, and thinking that I just couldn't handle anything like this happening again. This type of behavior is not typical of me. I'm usually calm and rational.

Do you think this is "normal" after losing a child, or other loved one to death? Do you think this is part of the grieving process, or am I just "losing it"?

[Backroads]

Without having any proper knowledge in the area, I imagine it would be quite normal. I would only say you're losing it if this is impacting your life.

[Vort]

I think it's normal. I don't think you're losing it. And I am so, so sorry for your loss.

[annewandering]

My oldest son would be 38 this month. I cried. I worry about my kids. We all do. If mine was biking on a busy highway I would worry a lot.

Long time ago we lived in the Bay area. there are numerous bridges there. High bridges. There are also numerous earthquakes. I have a good imagination. Everytime we went over those bridges I spent the time worrying about how to save my numerous kids if there was an earthquake and we fell into the bay. I HATED going over the bridges and would avoid it as much as possible. One day I realized my fears were from not trusting God. If we fell in the bay we might survive. If not we would go to the spirit world. Which ever one it was would be fine. God would take care of us. All of us which ever happened.

We have to live our lives this way. We send our kids off to live their lives and make mistakes and even die. This is what life is about. We chose it. Even the worrying and fear are part of it. In the end it will work out and will be good.

I am in no way criticizing. I know it can be so hard. My son was a baby and sometimes I think we were blessed because it would be so much harder to lose, for this life, a child older. There is no way we would want to ever go through it again. Who would? It would be UNNATURAL to not have fears such as you have today. Accept the fear and know that God will be there no matter what happens in life. If your child or mine die today we know they are in the next world waiting for us. We have that testimony from when we lost our children dont we. Let God give you comfort and He will. He did for me. I still worry and I still cry but not with despair.

[Leah]

Many of you know that I had a 19 year old daughter die in a car accident. That was ten years ago. For the most part I feel that I handled her death with grace. I still grieve, but the pain isn't as sharp as it was.

Since her death, there have been times when my imagination gets away from me, and I start thinking "what if" something like that happens to another one of my children. Take today, for example, our car won't start, so my 18 year old son will need to ride his bike to work. We live along a busy highway, and I started to panic thinking about him getting hit by a car as he's riding to work. I even started to cry, getting so stressed about this, and thinking that I just couldn't handle anything like this happening again. This type of behavior is not typical of me. I'm usually calm and rational.

Do you think this is "normal" after losing a child, or other loved one to death? Do you think this is part of the grieving process, or am I just "losing it"?

I haven't lost a child but I think those worries are normal.

The unthinkable happened, so now you know that the unthinkable CAN happen. And if can happen once....then we worry it can happen again. I think I would always have some bit of worry at the back of my brain if I were in your situation.

I think part of it is also the enormity of the pain you suffered. When my husband died, I was sure I could not survive that much pain, but I did, and you did, too. But even the remote possibility of having to go through that kind of pain again...we don't ever want to have to go there again.

We don't "get over" such a loss, as some want us to do. We just learn how to go on. So we continue to feel that loss throughout our lives, and sometimes it manifests in feelings like this one.

I think as long as you recognize it and acknowledge it and don't let it paralyze you...you're as "normal" as it gets.

Big hugs to you....

[applepansy]

You're not losing it. I have often had the same feelings. Our oldest son was killed in a car accident November 11, 1999.

I would not emotionally survive losing another child. I would not survive losing my grandson.

I take comfort in knowing we will not be tested more than we can handle. The Lord knows what I can or cannot handle. I remind myself of that and then try not to worry. I don't always succeed.

Lately I've worried that my grandson's incubator will get her druggy friends to try to help her kidnap my grandson, just like that women tried to do a few months ago here in Utah. They beat up the grandmother and took the little girl. The police got her back but still...scary. When the incubator finds out she's going to lose all contact with grandson's half sister she's going to freak out. So... while hubby and son are trying to reassure me... I'm still freaking out.

It's normal for Moms to worry.

[Misshalfway]

I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child. My brother lost a baby and I lost my mother recently, but I don't think any of that would be like what you've lost.

I think what you are experiencing is a trauma response. It might be past emotions resurfacing or it might be the brain scanning/predicting pain in an effort to protect you from experiencing the same thing. I think it is so important to have compassion for yourself and for the "mark" this experience has left. But I also think there are things to help your brain transfer more of the traumatic experience into the long term memory part of the brain. Walking, biking, or running while thinking about the trauma can help. So can yoga. Sometimes it's helpful to do some guided imagery about the event or about the effects of the event.

I know you didn't ask for advice, and I've gone and given it. Forgive me. But know I firmly believe such is normal. I've been through some trauma and I have fear that my youngest child will be killed. It's completely irrational, but I feel it.

[classylady]

Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to me.

My daughter's death was such an overwhelming, emotional trauma. I don't know if I could survive going through that again. My testimony of the Plan of Salvation, is such a comfort. But, it does not take away the sorrow of losing my daughter. I miss her so much. I still do, and always will. My brain tells me that, statistically, chances are we won't be faced with having to go through another tragedy like this. But, I also know that it could happen again. I receive so much strength from the Comforter, and I know that I will be able to handle all that is given me. I'm grateful for knowing that I'll see my daughter again, and all my other loved ones in the next life. The Gospel truths surely are the "glad tidings" from our Heavenly Father.

[Blackmarch]

Many of you know that I had a 19 year old daughter die in a car accident. That was ten years ago. For the most part I feel that I handled her death with grace. I still grieve, but the pain isn't as sharp as it was.

Since her death, there have been times when my imagination gets away from me, and I start thinking "what if" something like that happens to another one of my children. Take today, for example, our car won't start, so my 18 year old son will need to ride his bike to work. We live along a busy highway, and I started to panic thinking about him getting hit by a car as he's riding to work. I even started to cry, getting so stressed about this, and thinking that I just couldn't handle anything like this happening again. This type of behavior is not typical of me. I'm usually calm and rational.

Do you think this is "normal" after losing a child, or other loved one to death? Do you think this is part of the grieving process, or am I just "losing it"?

sounds human to me... I think having a waking nightmare happens to all of us... I know i've had my fair share.

I would agree with backroads, i wouldnt worry about it unless its come to the point where its interfering with your daily life.