Infidelity

[Raymie]

My husband was seeing escorts and I found out.

He claims to have stopped, but he was so good

At lying that I just get physically sick when he

says he needs to go out of town for work. Or

when he comes home late, or when he gets up

early on weekends and takes off. I don't know

how to deal with this. Why can't I just let it go

for heavens sake???

[Guest]

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

[mdfxdb]

Do you still want to stay with him? see above..

[hardtoguess]

Dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him.

[skippy740]

Do you have forgiveness issues, hardtoguess?

[hardtoguess]

Nah, I have "been around too many guys" issues. This poor lady can never trust this dirtbag.

Do you know what's involved in getting together with an "escort"? Strange woman, money, this is a family forum so I'll refrain, but, over and over.

This poor woman is being destroyed by an animal. I have seen such animals, known them. I'm male, I know how that mind works. I can't think of a more callous uncaring, sociopathic mentality than a hooker user. He does not respect her. She is not obligated to endure this. He is threatening her health.

If this was my sister I would show up with a shotgun and glare. My sister ain't gonna get no STDs while I'm around. There's all kinds of forgiveness, the only kind this guys deserves (at this point) is the kind that comes from Jesus, and even he has conditions.

[skippy740]

I'm just noticing a 'theme' with all your posts, that's all.

[hardtoguess]

I'm noticing a theme in the posts around here also, and the word that comes to mind is "enabling". I'm not a psychologist by profession or training but forgiveness has some shades of meaning, and the shade we would be talking about, say the closing of a chapter, that comes at the end, after some bitter payments have been made, not at the beginning as an unearned carrot.

[skippy740]

No, not enabling. It's about determining the intention of where the other person wants to go in the relationship.

It's easier to start with a kind word, than an accusatory one.

That doesn't mean the other person is "off the hook", but it does make it easier to stay together... if that's what both people want.

And I support the idea of couples being together, rather than encouraging divorce.

[hardtoguess]

A guy using hookers is only married for some kind of convenience. There is no intention of relationship. A guy using hookers needs to be taken to the cleaners in court, hopefully pummeled by male members of the family.

A guy that maybe looked at a woman too long on tv, yeah maybe a scowl is the appropriate response.

This guy used hookers, women constantly having sex with dirty repulsive men, him just being one. It's disgusting. She does not deserve this, she needs support to know she doesn't deserve this.

Lady/sister, you do not deserve this. His behavior is deeply disgusting and you have no right really to tolerate it. Call a lawyer and take every cent you can.

I've known plenty of hooker users, the light of God is all but extinguished. Sick puppies. If their salvation is important to God let him figure it out. Jesus is the savior, not us.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Raymie,

It is possible that "letting go" and forgiving are not in order here. It is possible that he has not stopped and the Spirit or your intutition (take your pick) are giving you a warning.

It is also possible that he is truly sorry and has stopped the behavior, but still you are understandably hurt and forgiving will take time.

I firmly believe that there are no time limits, no expiration dates on forgiveness (just as there are none on mourning...and you are mourning a love, a dream. . .)

Imagine saying to someone, "Martha, for Heaven's sake it has been over a year since your husband died, why are you still sad? Move on, let go already."

We would not say that to someone in mourning, because mourning takes as long as it takes...I believe forgiveness is the same. Yes, the Lord told us to forgive, but he didn't set a time limit on it. If you are working towards it, I believe He accepts that.

So please don't be so hard on yourself. By cheating on you, your husband commited a grevious sin. That is not something that you can or should "forget" overnight.

Finally...we are all familiar with the seminary scripture D&C 64:10...but look at the verses that follow...sometimes there is more involved than "letting go".

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

12 And him that repenteth not of his sins, and confesseth them not, ye shall bring before the church, and do with him as the scripture saith unto you, either by commandment or by revelation.

13 And this ye shall do that God may be glorified—not because ye forgive not, having not compassion, but that ye may be justified in the eyes of the law, that ye may not offend him who is your lawgiver—

[BrendaM]

My husband was seeing escorts and I found out.

He claims to have stopped, but he was so good

At lying that I just get physically sick when he

says he needs to go out of town for work. Or

when he comes home late, or when he gets up

early on weekends and takes off. I don't know

how to deal with this. Why can't I just let it go

for heavens sake???

Raymie, don't blame yourself for his adultery and your inability to trust him. It's hard to put your trust in someone who has obviously not only broken your heart, but broken the promises of marriage.

Although I would like to say try and forgive, I'm kinda with that other guy (forgot his name) that commented on this one. You don't say how long it was going on, but it sounds like a while. I myself would be hard-pressed to believe that he's no longer seeing a prostitute.

If there is no open communication and he's not specifically saying where he's going (because at this point, I believe you need that, in order to even start trusting him again). And he's not coughing up where he's going, or starts saying stuff like "why? don't you trust me?" Yeah, I'd be dumping him too!

P.S. Get yourself to a doctor. Just in case.

[NeuroTypical]

I can't think of a more callous uncaring, sociopathic mentality than a hooker user.

Could you cite your source here? How many do you know clinically?

Do you know any current or former prostitutes? They tell a different story than what you're telling here. Sociopaths are rare, and prostitutes don't really report seeing them in greater frequency than folks they meet other ways...

(Not that this has much to do with the original post...)

[hardtoguess]

TBH not known any hookers personally, plenty of dude users. I'm sure there are charming friendly dudes doing it, but every single person I ever knew that cheated on a woman serially with hookers was a disgusting soulless individual, where sex is an emotionless biological function like a bowel movement or something. People may experiment and use hookers in different situations or whatnot, but a serial guy like this... different deal. There can be little real emotion going on, he has a loving wife at home, this is not about love to him. He wants sex his way on his terms. Narcissist, sociopath, pick a few.

So we could say sociopath (I would say soulless) or total dirtbag, doesn't really matter to me.

This poor woman doesn't deserve this in any way and needs lots of help. She deserves it.

[bcguy]

The next question is....what was he like BEFORE you married him?

Past Behavior is indicative of Future Behavior.

[garryw]

Call a lawyer and take every cent you can.

The mind of a woman condensed into a single sentence. Neither the love of money nor the love of revenge will bring happiness.

[Guest]

The mind of a woman condensed into a single sentence. Neither the love of money nor the love of revenge will bring happiness.

Except that this was posted by a man.

[NeuroTypical]

So we could say sociopath (I would say soulless) or total dirtbag, doesn't really matter to me.

Well, it doesn't matter to me which term you use here either - they're both equally wrongheaded and false. The OP's husband obviously has serious issues. But he obviously still has a soul, because God doesn't take souls away just because people do horrible things. And it's unlikely he's a sociopath - that's a specific mental illness with a specific set of criteria, and it seems like you're using more as a way to hurl an insult which will make it easier to hate him. Not very useful.

Back to Raymie - your trust in your husband has been broken, and that's a healthy and normal thing, because he has done things to make him unworthy of trust. Instead of 'trying to get past it', maybe you accept that rebuilding trust takes time, and it's something that involves a lot of ownership of his part.

[Windseeker]

The mind of a woman condensed into a single sentence.

The mind of a man who stereotypes women unknowingly thinking a man is a women.

Neither the love of money nor the love of revenge will bring happiness

But I liked that part.

[garryw]

Except that this was posted by a man.

A very womanly man, typing womanly thoughts, close enough to a woman in my book to be called a woman.

[Vort]

A very womanly man, typing womanly thoughts, close enough to a woman in my book to be called a woman.

No one ever gives me such compliments.

[All_Apologies]

Maybe it's best not to just let it go. That gut instinct--it's usually right. Sexual things can be very addictive. I betcha he's still seeing escorts.

Prayers sent up for you. Hang in there.

[bradd]

Leave that man.

[Maedros]

I am such a man - I have done things that are too shameful to discuss even to strangers - but even though I live in a state of constant shame and fear and guilt but even for the "disgusting" in their state of disgust there is hope; I see the hand of Lord in my life, he comforts me, he answers my prayers, he blesses and preserves me still - though i have broken my wife's tender heart and destroyed her confidence I still have value and worth. We are still together - I entramped her {as she would say} by being untruthful from the time we married and moving her kilometres away from her family and friends before confessing so that even if she wanted to leave the scandal will be too great and it's not financially viable - even after I confessed 2 years ago I still repeated those actions within the 2 years. Drugs are involved and at first I thought i was motivated by them but I realized that I don't have a drug problem at all - I have a sex problem; if drugs and sex were the only problems it would still be better but I have also broken the laws of the land - I have fraudently applied for loans with the identity of a stranger and used the money i acquired to support my habit - I have a court case pending and may spend some time in prison. So Raymie there are men out there (even within the Church) that are dogs; wicked and disgusting and far worse than your husband, you are not alone - my wife and I are still together and we will continue to be together even if I'm convicted - it might sound presumptous for me to assume that but its true we have been through too much for too long to quit now - we have a child and she is young we can't give up now. I have the capacity to change, I may one day have the courage to return to Church activity and confess to the Stake President and become worthy and cleansed through repentance and we could become an eternal family because even though she is hurt and betrayed beyond measure she sees me as I may become and that gives me hope.

[Guest LDS_Adultery_Survivor]

Girl, I hope you can heal from this. Here is some help for you:

LDS Infidelity and Adultery Survival | Facebook