shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Okay so I met this guy in October and I really like him a lot. But, when the bishop talked to both of us to check our tithing he talked to both of us about what we were doing together (because we had been seen together a lot) and that we should date others instead of being a steady and committed relationship. I dont know how to explain this. But, since then, we have been hanging out every night for at least 2 1/2 weeks and I don't think either one of us has asked anyone else out, much less want to, but we have been flirting with other people (and this is my theory) because neither one of us wants to disobey the bishops advice. Plus, everyone in the ward says that we should date seriously and that it DEFINATELY looks that way on the outside but, when we talk to other people he always refers to me as his friend but it really isn't. Considering how much we hang out together (we always have fun together though so no complaints there) and that we hug each time one of us has to go home for the night, really, it is a couple relationship but without kissing or hand holding. Idk what to do or make of the situation. I would love to be in a serious relationship with him but at the same time I do need to date others but I dont want to and I dont think he wants to either considering how he hasn't asked any other girl out because I've been hanging out with him for 2 1/2 weeks straight (at least). Its frustrating to me to see a guy that I really like and that the relationship is so complicated already. So I think to myself, "Is he waiting for me to do something about it?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 You are 18, right? How old is the guy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Yes I am 18 but he is 27 and I know how that sounds but we get along very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 My first thought was: why does the bishop care? Which then led me to wondering why, wondering if he has some sort of inspiration regarding this relationship. Hopefully more than the age difference (which I personally have no problem with, having dated at that exact same age difference before). I would continue to consider your bishop's advice and perhaps even seek his counsel. As for you and this guy, I'm thinking a DTR talk might be in order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) I'm thinking a DTR talk might be in order.What does a DTR talk mean? If its a realtionship talk like asking where we are at I've done that twice now. But, he knows how I feel. Edited December 6, 2012 by shewerewolf1994 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 DTR = define the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 I don't understand how this is a family or ward affair, if you are both adults, unless you are dependent upon others for certain needs (i.e. housing, financial funding, etc.) - then there might be a couple people that have a say in it to an extent.. Still, if you and this "friend" are remaining chaste and overall staying out of trouble, I don't understand why the two of you cannot pursue this relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thanks for the support but the real question is what is holding him back? Its like he is waiting for something to happen but I don't know what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 DTR = determine the relationship I have no problem with the age difference, per se. But we are talking 9 years difference--9 years of life experience. I say counsel with your bishop and ask him why he feels you should date others. He may have insight or it may be his personal preference. Either way, he is your bishop and you can counsel with him in this. And I think that you two are old enough to decide on what to do. My personal opinion, is to date him, perhaps not exclusively at first (meaning, go out with others if you wish). But date him to get to know him. He's 27 and should be able to decide for himself if he wants to be exclusive with you. At your age, you probably haven't dated much (and I don't consider high school relationships as dating since you are now in the adult world of dating). Dating others can help you get to know yourself and your own needs, likes, dislikes, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Also, if you're going to make a motion to obey your bishop's advice, try to make more of an effort because it seems you're both in some sort of "but we still really like each other" limbo. Something's gotta give. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thanks for the support but the real question is what is holding him back? Its like he is waiting for something to happen but I don't know what it is.Okay, this is going to be a total generalization that is probably unfair to many exceptions and I apologize in advance, but here I go: The man is 27 and LDS and still single and there might be reasons--such as a complete inability to bring up the topic of romance and relationships. Not saying he isn't a great guy or great husband material, just saying he may have a personality flaw and you really might have to make an extremely blunt move. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 I don't feel like I have enough information here to give you advice. I mean the Bishop, who I assume does have more information, asked you two to cool things a bit, and you are ignoring his advice. Yes, hanging out every night for 2 1/2 weeks is what I consider ignoring his advice. So now I have all kinds of other questions. You can answer them or not...they are mostly for you to think about... Why does the Bishop think it would be better if you date other people? Bishops can be inspired to give us advice, but I can think of a few occasions when Bishops were well-meaning but mistaken... Why are you disregarding his advice? And if I did offer you advice would you disregard mine as well? Eighteen and 27 is a huge gap...I have seen a couple relationships of this nature, one has worked out beautifully, and the other was a complete disaster...so I think it can work, but I am wary. If you were my daughter, I would counsel you, as your Bishop did to date other people. I would not tell you to stop dating the 27 yr old, but simply to get some other dating experiences as well. No I don't think he is waiting for you to make a decisions...my knee jerk reaction is that he is afraid of committment, that is why he is not married yet and dating/not dating...an 18 yr old girl that he hopes will be less likely to be looking for a long term relationship... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) @all who replied: Luckily there is going to be a sort of "auction" with canned food and it was suggested to the relief society (and probably the preisthood as well) that you could put yourself up as a prize to be dated (so to speak) so Ill do that. I would rather obey the bishops council first instead of jumping in headlong though. I think that is the best decision for now. There are other guys that (i can see it in their body language and face) that would like to date me but they see my "friend" with me all of the time and end up not asking me out because of the "image" that we are both presenting. My "friend" thinks its funny but it makes things complicated for me. Its easy for him to say that cause he can just go ask out a girl but its difficult for me cause I have to wait and see if a guy will ask me out. Edited December 6, 2012 by shewerewolf1994 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 I'm thinking the auction will be a good step for you. Also give the signal that you are, despite appearance, technically available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 @Backroads: I've been told that by my sisters and my mom lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 @Backroads: That is the plan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Good for you! I think doing the auction (and thus following the Bishops advice) has so much potential to help you. It could make the 27 yr a little jealous, and move your relationship with him forward You could meet some other guys you like even better... And whatever comes of this, I can only believe that a wider dating experience will make any long term relationship better. So good job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 That sounds fun. I'd totally participate in the auction event. ETA. If I were single, of course :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 @Bini: lol yea im pretty excited myself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 @ Its easy for him to say that cause he can just go ask out a girl but its difficult for me cause I have to wait and see if a guy will ask me out.No, you don't. You can ask guys out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shewerewolf1994 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 No, you don't. You can ask guys out.I suppose you're right :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SquidMom Posted December 7, 2012 Report Share Posted December 7, 2012 Yes, 18 is adult. Technically. I'm inclined to think that because of the age difference he may be holding back because he is worried that you may not really know what you want yet. It's also possible that he is worried about being seen as some kind of predator, going after someone who is "barely legal." OR... Maybe he does feel very seriously about you, but wants you to have more experience with adult relationships before settling into any kind of romantic commitment with him. I mean, he may worry that you could grow to resent him for 'holding you back' from experiences that you will have during your transition into adulthood. I say date other people, try to spend a little less time together and live a little as your own person. If you are truly right for eachother, you will circle around to eachother again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talisyn Posted December 8, 2012 Report Share Posted December 8, 2012 You should go on a mission :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted December 8, 2012 Report Share Posted December 8, 2012 Your bishop isn't concerned about the two of you, he's concerned about you. Nine years won't seem like a big difference ten or twenty years from now, but right now it's kind of a big deal. (Hence the half-your-age-plus-seven rule). Even if you don't recognize that, a twenty-seven-year-old should, and it's a little troubling to me that he's pursuing you so aggressively.Take a break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted December 9, 2012 Report Share Posted December 9, 2012 I'm not sure this has been mentioned before but OP you don't have to marry this guy. I think it's healthy to get out and date all kinds of different people. This will broaden your horizons on what YOU want and don't want. For me, age gaps aren't a big deal. My husband and I have a big age difference. If my 18-year old daughter announced that she was dating a 27-year old man, I would encourage her to consider dating LOTS of other men because of HER age, not his. If she wanted to date ten other 27-year old men, that would be fine but to focus solely on ONE person at this point, seems foolish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.