Parents attacking me...

[Guest ArchangelKid]

Hi, I made a post not too long ago. I'm an investigator and have a February 9th date as my baptism date. it's going great so far, I'm lucky and have two pairs of missionaries teaching me. Yes, you read right, for a total of 4 amazingly awesome missionaries. I get taught by a pair in Utah over the phone and a pair here in my home ward. So...it's no secret that my parents aren't to fond of me converting. It was first my mom who didn't want me converting. My dad didn't look like he cared, it was from him who I get permission to go to church on Sunday. I recently overheard my parents conversation and I heard my dad say that the only reason he is letting me go to church is so I can see "the true nature of that cult" because he thought explaining it wouldn't convince me, he thought I had to see it for myself. But because it doesn't appear to be working, they are planning to restrict me from going.

I got a serious talk on Thursday, from the two of them. My dad said its time for me to start working on Sunday's again. I used to work on Sunday's but quit that day because I know the importance of keeping the Sabbath holy. I told them I couldn't because I had Church to go to, and that the day belonged to my Heavenly Father. My parents acted like I told them I was a serial killer who kicked cute baby penguins. They screamed at me, yelled at me, they sweared...I thought my mother was going to smack me a couple of times but they never touched me.

I stood my ground but it killed me. Honestly, my parents are two of the greatest people I know. I would die for them in an instant without thinking about it. I know they are acting like this because they care about me but I am so sad. I have prayed for my parents change of heart, I know that my prayers won't get answered right away. Since Thursday, I have been yelled at for little dumb reasons. Every night i cry myself to sleep...Today, my mom woke me up, told me to go with her to the kitchen to see butter splattered on the stove...which I did do but it was an honest mistake I forgot to clean it. Of course they acted like it was a blood splatter or something...I have to stop giving my parents "their undeserved headaches". They succeeded in me not going to Church Sunday, it looks like I won't be going to FHE tonight or Institute tomorrow. I don't want talk to either of the missionaries about it...I'm scared that my home ward missionaries may attempt to talk to my parents, they literally live like 5 minutes away. That is something that would fuel this fire and I would definately get in trouble for involving outside people.

Just so you know...my parents don't know I'm going to convert, they don't know in being taught by missionaries and the only reason they don't know is because it would ruin everything. My biggest fear is that they may not let me go to my own baptism. I plan on telling them, maybe in June or next year...how do you suggest I handle the current situation? What should I do? Moving out isn't a good option for me...my parents are paying for my school and I don't want to get cut off. I'm scared of losing...of being the ultimate loser in this fight.

[applepansy]

Your profile says you are 20 years old. You're an adult. You get to choose.

However, you are living in their home so you get to follow their rules. Sort of. I would never tell my adult children when they can come and go. I also wouldn't tell them they have to work on Sunday or Monday or any other day of the week.

Remember this one important thing above all. They are your parents. Love them. You're in a tough spot. Being obedient to Heavenly Father is important too.

If you have to move out of your parent's home to be obedient to Heavenly Father then that's what you'll have to do. There will be consequences but there will also be blessings.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There is heartache all around.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Ditto to what Apple said above. Let me add this; in your heart, through prayer, you will know what the right thing to do is. Often the right thing to do is also the most difficult option. Our faith is tested daily to one degree or another. Lean upon the Lord for your strength and you will always be led correctly. This is a decision you must make on your own, but understand there are many who are hoping you find the best path for your life. God be with you always :)

[estradling75]

At 20 years old your parents have exactly as much power over you as you let them have.

Given that you live with them, and presumably depend on them that is quite alot at this time that you are letting them have.

Just remember that whatever path you take after much prayer and consideration, that in your parents eyes you are (or are becoming) the living embodiment of what it means to be Mormon. I encourage you to think long term and make the impression a good one.

[Anddenex]

First - The Lord is pleased with your decision to be baptized. This is the Lord's gospel restored upon the earth with all the rights and privileges bestowed upon its members. When you are baptized, and you choose to honor your baptismal covenant, though life gets tough you will be blessed.

Second - This is my personal opinion. I would be honest with your parents. I agree with Apple and Ripple who have shared some insightful thoughts.

In the gospel of Jesus Christ we believe in families, not separating families, although unfortunately, some families disown their child when they join our church.

I would be open and honest with them. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them as a result of their teachings and upbringing, telling me to seek out that which is right and good, I have come to realization myself that I should be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I would then invite them to come and be apart of a special moment for you. Let them know you recognize this is not a decision they think I should make. Let them know, that you would hope, as an adult that they would honor and respect your decision although they may not agree with you.

Should they kick you out, or tell you you can not be baptized while living in their home. Look for a place to rent. Move out. And rescheduling a baptismal date for this circumstance is ok. Have resolution, should you need to move out to be baptized.

Once moved out, invite your parents again out of love and respect for them. They gave birth to you. I personally believe they deserve this knowledge since you are still at home.

Also, you never know how the Lord works to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of others. How you show respect for your parents may result in them wanting to learn more.

Ripple's advice in praying before your Father in Heaven in excellent. Pray to have the courage to make the right choice, and to walk into the waters of baptism.

Best,

Anddenex

[Guest ArchangelKid]

Thank you all of your advice, it is greatly appreciated. My family is strict on...I don't wanna use the word hierarchy...but we are taught from a young age that what they say goes under their rooftop. Of course that doesn't mean that we don't have our disagreements every now and then. I still have my 10pm curfew, I can't go out on Sundays, no phones at the table, the usual rules that most families have, we'll in NYC anyway.

I have considered the fact that I could get kicked out...it's a possibility. I've searched for rooms to rent here but they are so expensive. The cheapest I found were in the $450-550 range. I don't really make a lot of money in my part time job to survive on my own. I only work two days a week and make about $800 a month. I'm not a freeloader...and I generally don't accept help from people outside of the family...it's a dumb pride thing that I have to work on.

I really want to tell my parents, honestly, I do. I have invited them to come with me to Church. They declined. Some people have told me to live by example. Which I do...but I didn't really change much. Most of the things that I was taught from the missionaries, we already live it. They have a right to know...I will tell them a week before my baptism. I will invite them and pray for the best.

[skippy740]

How you invite your parents is going to be important.

I have a suggestion: write a letter to both of them.

In this letter I would talk about

- The importance and how you value the values you were raised with.

- The search for peace, answers, knowledge, etc.

- The peace you have found through the scriptures and the teachings of the LDS faith.

- You are on a journey and you want to invite them to your baptism.

I think a properly thought out and written letter will show respect as well as let them READ something verses having a heated argument or other situation.

A letter will let them know that you are thinking everything through and that you are allowing the Spirit and critical thinking skills to help guide you in life... probably exactly the way your parents raised you to be.

[Backroads]

Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. I think your decision to tell them is the right one. They deserve to know, like you said.

Just make some plans for all forseeable consequences. It may be that you decide to delay your baptism, but this still might leave you on shaky terms with your parents and you may be kicked out anyway.

[M_T_E]

I am mobile so I can't write much, iPhones are not forum friendly.*

Anyways, I have done things controversial for my parents in the past. Nearly all of us have at some point in our lives.*

You are doing what feels right to you, in heart and mind. You feel the Holy Spirit, you have accepted that this is Gods true church.*

In time they will come to accept this, Mormons have anyways had ridicule. Just about every religion has been persecuted and shunned at some point in its history.*

The big thing with the church is that there are many misconceptions and much confusion to those who have not invested the time to study, learn and eventually see past the shroud of fog placed over their eyes by the words of those who fail to understand the Latter-day Saints.*

After your baptism and you have grown within the church, if your parents are religious at all perhaps educate them slowly over time to help them build an acceptance for the church and where you stand. But do not hesitate to invite them to your baptism, your life is a journey. They were there when you were born and began your journey in life, and it would be only customary for them to be present when your spiritual one begins as well.*

Regardless of your decision. They will love you anyways. They are merely concerned for they lack an understanding of the church.*

Pray for guidance, just as I have in the past through tough times and you will always pull through.*

My mother is a Baptist but she actually encouraged me to convert because she likes the lifestyle she sees from Mormons. I am merely taking the time to learn about the church and I have grown quite interested in learning more.*

And remember, if you take time to read 1 Nephi 1 over you will eventually see the underlying lesson I did.*

Go forth and be courageous, represent God and all of his glory regardless of whatever ridicule and persecution you receive from others. And as you continue to read through the First Book of Nephi you will see more lessons and stories of courage, faith and dedication.*

Good luck my friend, regular updates would be most welcome. And if you seek more advice well there is obviously plenty to be had on here.

[BadWolf]

Until you are 24... You're linked to your parents income (with some exception, like active duty or former military, emancipated teens, etc.).

1) Which means that if you plan on being in school... I would figure out a way to pay for it BEFORE throwing down the gauntlet with the people writing Checks for thousands if dollars. If you think you're too busy, now... Imagine 60 hours of work each week plus 3 classes, plus church commitments.

Translating to: REALLY appreciate what your parents are giving you. The gift of time. 6 years (of not waiting to START school)... Working low paying dead end jobs (or enlisting to escape that fate)... OR weeks where you get full nights of sleep AND time to yourself (60 hours of work, plus studying every spare second, plus MAYBE 4 hours of sleep each night is hard-hard-hard).

2) Honor thy father & mother.

At LEAST as much as you'd do for your roommate. Believe me. A roommate will either throw a 'drag your butt outta bed and come clean this mess up and the next time it happens you're OUT!!! (Or she is and you'll have to come up with the rent on your own) OR will be such a slob YOU are the one sick and tired of being treated like a maid service.

So. Look at your parents complaints (outside of church at first) as if they are ENTIRELY legitimate. Because they probably are. And they are probably the EXACT same complaints a roommate would be making. Leaving things a mess, using things/"borrowing" without asking, going out every night leaving things a mess, not working enough hours to meet your fair share, etc... Are all legitimate complaints. "But I wanna" is just not a legitimate excuse. Healthcare workers, cops, military, retail, restaurant, etc... ALL miss Sundays / treat the Sabbath as holy by providing for their families. Does everyone TRY to get it off? Sure thing. But we don't throw out the baby with the bath water to be homeless/jobless just to attend Sunday. There ARE other options. But I wanna keep Sunday as the sabbath & not work is a luxury, not a right. Not that its not important, but there are other things (like figuring out how to replace 1/3 of your income!) that are equally important.

3) If you really want to change your parents minds... Stop placing the burden on them. Do YOUR work, so its not affecting their lives. Spend time with them (instead of going out every night), clean up after yourself and treat them with at least as much respect as you would if you were living with a roommate, figure out how to not lose 1/3 of your income (new job? Or go back to work on Sundays until you can get a new job that you work 3-5 days a week not on Sundays), etc. In other words, act like an adult, if you want to be treated as one.

This is meant kindly. And coming from a place where the Church IS hugely important in my life.

Converting is wonderful.

How you live your life, and treat the people who love you best?

Foundational.

You know that saying : God is in the details? And big things are made up of little things? Its the details of your life that create the foundation. Treat them with the care and attention they deserve.

Your parents are obviously feeling used & taken advantage of. Fix that. Make them feel loved, appreciated, secure, special. Of stop using them and taking advantage of them.

This doesn't mean they get to decide whether you convert, or hang out with Sally on Tuesdays, or major in premed instead of prelaw. This means treating them kindly, with love and respect, and maybe even friendship. This means giving back, as well as taking. It means acting like an adult that is trustworthy, because they make good decisions at home, to make good decisions elsewhere.

Don't expect immediate results. It sounds like its been a few years of acting like an entitled kid (hey, most of us did that, and face palmed right about your age). Its going to take awhile (read months of daily doing the right thing), but it really is worth fixing. <grin> So fix it !!

Treat it as a service project, if need be.

"Something nice I can do for my parents"

Every day.

(Think about it, the people we respect the most tend to be those who treat us best).

It will ALSO be good marriage training. (Something nice for my spouse every day... No matter how tired/frustrated/miffed/busy/etc. I happen to be today)

[Backroads]

BadWolf... triple like on that post.

[Guest ArchangelKid]

Until you are 24... You're linked to your parents income (with some exception, like active duty or former military, emancipated teens, etc.).

1) Which means that if you plan on being in school... I would figure out a way to pay for it BEFORE throwing down the gauntlet with the people writing Checks for thousands if dollars. If you think you're too busy, now... Imagine 60 hours of work each week plus 3 classes, plus church commitments.

Translating to: REALLY appreciate what your parents are giving you. The gift of time. 6 years (of not waiting to START school)... Working low paying dead end jobs (or enlisting to escape that fate)... OR weeks where you get full nights of sleep AND time to yourself (60 hours of work, plus studying every spare second, plus MAYBE 4 hours of sleep each night is hard-hard-hard).

2) Honor thy father & mother.

At LEAST as much as you'd do for your roommate. Believe me. A roommate will either throw a 'drag your butt outta bed and come clean this mess up and the next time it happens you're OUT!!! (Or she is and you'll have to come up with the rent on your own) OR will be such a slob YOU are the one sick and tired of being treated like a maid service.

So. Look at your parents complaints (outside of church at first) as if they are ENTIRELY legitimate. Because they probably are. And they are probably the EXACT same complaints a roommate would be making. Leaving things a mess, using things/"borrowing" without asking, going out every night leaving things a mess, not working enough hours to meet your fair share, etc... Are all legitimate complaints. "But I wanna" is just not a legitimate excuse. Healthcare workers, cops, military, retail, restaurant, etc... ALL miss Sundays / treat the Sabbath as holy by providing for their families. Does everyone TRY to get it off? Sure thing. But we don't throw out the baby with the bath water to be homeless/jobless just to attend Sunday. There ARE other options. But I wanna keep Sunday as the sabbath & not work is a luxury, not a right. Not that its not important, but there are other things (like figuring out how to replace 1/3 of your income!) that are equally important.

3) If you really want to change your parents minds... Stop placing the burden on them. Do YOUR work, so its not affecting their lives. Spend time with them (instead of going out every night), clean up after yourself and treat them with at least as much respect as you would if you were living with a roommate, figure out how to not lose 1/3 of your income (new job? Or go back to work on Sundays until you can get a new job that you work 3-5 days a week not on Sundays), etc. In other words, act like an adult, if you want to be treated as one.

This is meant kindly. And coming from a place where the Church IS hugely important in my life.

Converting is wonderful.

How you live your life, and treat the people who love you best?

Foundational.

You know that saying : God is in the details? And big things are made up of little things? Its the details of your life that create the foundation. Treat them with the care and attention they deserve.

Your parents are obviously feeling used & taken advantage of. Fix that. Make them feel loved, appreciated, secure, special. Of stop using them and taking advantage of them.

This doesn't mean they get to decide whether you convert, or hang out with Sally on Tuesdays, or major in premed instead of prelaw. This means treating them kindly, with love and respect, and maybe even friendship. This means giving back, as well as taking. It means acting like an adult that is trustworthy, because they make good decisions at home, to make good decisions elsewhere.

Don't expect immediate results. It sounds like its been a few years of acting like an entitled kid (hey, most of us did that, and face palmed right about your age). Its going to take awhile (read months of daily doing the right thing), but it really is worth fixing. <grin> So fix it !!

Treat it as a service project, if need be.

"Something nice I can do for my parents"

Every day.

(Think about it, the people we respect the most tend to be those who treat us best).

It will ALSO be good marriage training. (Something nice for my spouse every day... No matter how tired/frustrated/miffed/busy/etc. I happen to be today)

I used to work 42 hours in 4 days...then 35 hours in 3 day...now 21 in 2 days. I'm also a full time student. I forgot to mention that. I'm on Christmas Break, I don't start till the 28th of January. I like taking a day off to study the material. I tried doing that at work...but it didn't work... I'll take extra shifts on Tuesday and Thursday two keep my parents happy. Except for my freshman year, I have been on the deans list every term, so it's not like I'm a party college student. I don't think I take advantage of my parents...I like to think I'm a good son. But I guess if people think I'm not being a good son either...then I'm probably doing something wrong. I'll see what to do.

[Backroads]

I used to work 42 hours in 4 days...then 35 hours in 3 day...now 21 in 2 days. I'm also a full time student. I forgot to mention that. I'm on Christmas Break, I don't start till the 28th of January. I like taking a day off to study the material. I tried doing that at work...but it didn't work... I'll take extra shifts on Tuesday and Thursday two keep my parents happy. Except for my freshman year, I have been on the deans list every term, so it's not like I'm a party college student. I don't think I take advantage of my parents...I like to think I'm a good son. But I guess if people think I'm not being a good son either...then I'm probably doing something wrong. I'll see what to do.

I believe you're a good son. But I think BadWolf's point is that this may be the time to be as stellar in your actions toward your parents as you can be.

[MormonMama]

I would just like to second what another poster said about being completely honest with your parents. I definitely don't think that sneaking behind their back about the Church is a good idea. All that will do is further convince them that the Church is a sneaky, secretive organization that wants to split you from them.

It can be hard to be honest and upfront with your parents when you know they oppose what you believe in, especially when you rely on them for something as basic as a place to live. My parents, especially my mother, were absolutely furious when I joined the Church. They wouldn't come to my baptism. I didn't live at home at the time, but I did have to move home later due to a divorce and my mother made it clear that she did not want anyone from Church over to the house. She tried to guilt-trip me into not paying tithing. She DID come to her grandchildren's baptisms, but made it very clear to me that she did not approve.

I don't see my parents ever joining the Church, but at least they no longer give me a hard time about my own membership. My mother has even admitted that she likes the fact that the Church has helped out my family at times we have had difficulty, but that's pretty much all she likes about it. It took her years even to admit that.

Show an increase in love towards your parents, do MORE around the house to help them out, but also lovingly stand your ground in regards to your conversion and baptism. If they do end up kicking you out, talk to the missionaries or your local bishop and see if they know of anyone who could take you in as a roommate. It does happen. Continue to show love to your parents even if this happens.

And good luck!

[BadWolf]

Backroads is dead on. That's exactly what I meant.

I do NOT believe you're a bad son.

LOL... And, yes, I caught that you're in school

I've been in

school full time & worked 60 hours a week

School full time & worked part time

School full time & had a free ride/ "only" had to be in school

((The "only" is that I started school AFTER be ominh a mom... So this is also while raising a child.))

Believe me. I "get" school. And there is a huge huge huge difference between having to work 60 hours and be on school vs having a ride. Even a partial ride. TOTALLY doable. Just hard. Very very hard.))

As you said its very easy to assume (paraphrase) "ungrateful/bad son or party kid" from one perspective. HOWEVER, that's not what I meant, at all.

... Its often the highly successful GREAT people that end up hurting their families the most. (Which is also why I said to treat this as marriage training.) Its just as often the highly respected, beloved by all, compassionate, brilliant, caring people that leave a spouse in tears of frustration, heartache, exhaustion... Seeking divorce in oh so many cases because they're miserable day in and out.

Say Wha???

- Whether you're spending 120 hours a week curing cancer or playing Videogames at a buddy's house... You're still gone 120 hours a week.

- Whether you're out every night partying and being self destructive, or whether you're going out every night of the week with bible study/FHE/Basketball/service/etc..

You're still out every night of the week.

Those who love us miss us when we're gone. The only difference is how much they're also worried about us. But they MISS us. And, over time, feel unimportant/ neglected/ not special/ used/ taken advantage of/ hurt/ angry.

But right now there's also:

While YOU know the LDS church as as much as a cult as the catholic or Lutheran church down the street... Your parents don't, yet. So they have the added worry for you on top of "simply" missing you/feeling taken advantage of.

These lessons will serve you VERY well in your future. With your parents & your spouse & kids.

Learning to balance your time, to not get defensive when others are (perhaps badly) telling you their needs aren't being met (but to take them at face value / as legitimate complaints), and to not take the ones you love best for granted ESP in busy "good" times, is priceless.

Edited January 23, 2013 by BadWolf