Young Women Interview

[Anddenex]

I would like to ask the women on the forum (men feel free if you have any suggestion to answer so no one feels left out) regarding young women interviews.

When you were a young women (not to say any of you aren't young anymore) what did you think about the young women interviews.

As an adult, and having the ability to reflect what do you think the interviews should have covered, or that you would have liked the bishopric to discuss with you?

Thank you in advance for your answers.

[pam]

It's been so long I don't even remember what we ever talked about in those.

[Anddenex]

It's been so long I don't even remember what we ever talked about in those.

Is there something you think should be discussed?

[pam]

I would think what they feel the law of chastity encompasses. I think there are some misconceptions regarding it. I feel like there is much of our youth that think that if they have not had intercourse, they have not broken the LOC.

[Tough Grits]

I would think what they feel the law of chastity encompasses. I think there are some misconceptions regarding it. I feel like there is much of our youth that think that if they have not had intercourse, they have not broken the LOC.

I wholeheartedly agree.

I have already started talking to my daughter, in careful ways, that keeping the law of chastity is more than just saving intercourse for marriage. I have delicately begun to talk to her about some of the other things that can lead to intercourse, or that can greatly tempt one to consider intercourse, before marriage. Nothing graphic, just basic stuff like: kissing on the neck, kissing in general, touching, and so forth.

I also try to remind her often of how beautiful, smart, talented, and special she is. I hope that she will never have to seek acceptance or love elsewhere as compensation for what she lacks at home...if she is already getting acceptance and love at home.

I also remind her often of her special role as a daughter of God. May these things help her to avoid temptations and to stand firm and immovable when it comes to the standards that she has been taught.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I don't think a Young Woman is going to be comfortable talking to a member of the Bishopric about the Law of Chastity...I think that should be left to parents, and Young Women leaders, unless a Young Woman is confessing something to the Bishop. But while we are on the topic...sibling sexual abuse (a form of incest) is a huge problem in the church. We need to talk to young in general about that.

So Anddenex, are you talking about the once a year interview around their birthday? If so, I guess I would use that time to "build relationships of trust". No offense, or critism intended, but I can't really see what can be accomplished in an interview that occurs once a year. I could be wrong, but I just don't see enough of a relationship there for a young woman to open up and talk about anything meaningful. I would not have talked to my Bishopric about anything important. I lived in a dysfunctional family, lots of alcohol, I needed a lot of support, but it is not something I could sit down in a once a year interview and talk about. I guess I am wondering what the point of the interview is?

[pam]

I don't think a Young Woman is going to be comfortable talking to a member of the Bishopric about the Law of Chastity...I think that should be left to parents, and Young Women leaders, unless a Young Woman is confessing something to the Bishop. But while we are on the topic...sibling sexual abuse (a form of incest) is a huge problem in the church. We need to talk to young in general about that.

So not talking about LOC would be uncomfortable but talking about sibling sexual abuse would not be? I realize you said "in general" but the question was asked about in an interview with Young Women.

[Anddenex]

I don't think a Young Woman is going to be comfortable talking to a member of the Bishopric about the Law of Chastity...I think that should be left to parents, and Young Women leaders, unless a Young Woman is confessing something to the Bishop. But while we are on the topic...sibling sexual abuse (a form of incest) is a huge problem in the church. We need to talk to young in general about that.

So Anddenex, are you talking about the once a year interview around their birthday? If so, I guess I would use that time to "build relationships of trust". No offense, or critism intended, but I can't really see what can be accomplished in an interview that occurs once a year. I could be wrong, but I just don't see enough of a relationship there for a young woman to open up and talk about anything meaningful. I would not have talked to my Bishopric about anything important. I lived in a dysfunctional family, lots of alcohol, I needed a lot of support, but it is not something I could sit down in a once a year interview and talk about. I guess I am wondering what the point of the interview is?

I am responsible to speak with the young women, interview, once a year, not on their birthday (the bishop interviews on their birthday). This would be their six month interview.

I asked this same question to the young women's presidency in our ward, and they actually felt the same way as pam and tough grits. They need to know what the LOC is, and what petting is, and what necking is.

Yes, parents should teach, we also support that teaching. Yes, indeed, the interview is to build trust, it is also a time for bishopric's to discover worthiness issues. Worthiness issues can not be discovered without the right questions, even if they are uncomfortable questions.

I asked the young women's presidency and they mentioned two things:

1. Define the LOC, what is is, and that breaking the LOC isn't just intercourse.

2. They also mentioned discussing their goals with them, long term and short term.

Since there are plenty of intelligent women on the forum, I wanted to discover more about their thoughts and these interviews and what my sisters would think would be a good interview.

Edited February 14, 2013 by pam
Tough grits not true grits. :)

[pam]

I would think these interviews would also be helpful when considering class presidencies.

[Anddenex]

I would think these interviews would also be helpful when considering class presidencies.

Tell me more of your thoughts regarding this and why?

[pam]

To me class presidencies are those girls who are in leadership positions among their peers. Just like any other leadership position, I would think worthiness to hold such a calling would be important. These girls set an example or at least should be for their peers. You can't set an example if you aren't following the guidelines.

[pam]

Another thought I had was discussing modesty in dress and why. I see so many young girls (even LDS) pushing the limits of modesty these days.

Unfortunately we get such a wide difference of opinions even among the adults here on this forum.

[Anddenex]

Another thought I had was discussing modesty in dress and why. I see so many young girls (even LDS) pushing the limits of modesty these days.

Unfortunately we get such a wide difference of opinions even among the adults here on this forum.

Yes, indeed, especially when you think about who is buying the clothes for these young women.

[Bini]

I did not come from a dysfunctional family but I was a very rebellious teen. Every kind of mischief you can imagine, I'd already been there and done that before I was 18. Though it's been some time, I vaguely recall having those meetings, and the interviewer was never intrusive (at least mine). There was very little detail given on what encompassed and what violated the LOC. that said, being a teenage girl, I would have never felt comfortable to discuss topics of a sexual nature with a grown man, that was not someone I had much rapport with. It would have been very awkward.. Thankfully, my interviews only consisted of: Do you follow the Law of Chastity. And the nitty gritty details were left out.

I agree that more light should be shed on what the LOC is and what violates it. However, I am not comfortable (now as a mother) having my daughter discuss such sensitive topics 1-1 with a man in a room alone. I think it is perfectly acceptable to make standard that a YW leader, or parent, is also present for such sensitive natured topics. I cannot imagine what reason would oppose it. The same could also be done for YM if there is a concern with boy-man ratio regarding topics of a sexual nature.

[MarginOfError]

I agree that, as an adult male, you're going to get a lot of squirming and discomfort asking a young woman about the law of chastity. In my opinion, as a counselor in the bishopric, you shouldn't do it*. Instead, I would recommend asking a question like, "Have you discussed with your parents what it means to keep the law of chastity?" If they answer no, then you may consider asking her to do so, and ask if it would be okay with her if you suggested to her parents that this might be a topic to discuss sometime.

Some other ideas you might consider doing something like the following (this is taken from the Family Life merit badge...but I wouldn't describe it like that)

• Discuss how to plan and carry out a family meeting.
• After this discussion, plan and carry out a family meeting to include the following subjects:

• Avoiding substance abuse, including tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, all of which negatively affect your health and well-being
• Understanding the growing-up process and how the body changes, and making responsible decisions dealing with sex
• Personal and family finances
• A crisis situation within your family
• The effect of technology on your family
• Good etiquette and manners

Something that I would consider very important is to ask how they are doing in school. Are they having trouble in any classes? Do they have long term academic goals? have they thought about what kind of degree and career they would like to prepare for. And remind them that there is more to life after high school than university. There are community colleges and trade schools they may consider.

You should also encourage them to consider if they'd like the option of serving a mission and help them understand what they can do to prepare now.

* That's probably something better approached in the bishop's interview for the limited use temple recommend--when it is contextually appropriate. Remember that if you do something to make the women uncomfortable, it could sour the interview experience and could make it more difficult for them to build trust in you.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with LP and MOE - young people (male and female) definitely need "the talk" face to face, but I think if a male (other than the bishop) has that conversation with a young female, he's just begging for trouble. Probably better to just find a good written source (conference talk, pamphlet, or whatever) and say "look, I'm not going to give you a detailed explanation of what is and isn't OK; but if you have questions, here's where the answers are."

[pam]

I agree with LP and MOE - young people (male and female) definitely need "the talk" face to face, but I think if a male (other than the bishop) has that conversation with a young female, he's just begging for trouble. Probably better to just find a good written source (conference talk, pamphlet, or whatever) and say "look, I'm not going to give you a detailed explanation of what is and isn't OK; but if you have questions, here's where the answers are."

I'm good with that. I still just feel it's a subject that should be approached..even if only done as you suggested.

[Wingnut]

Another thought I had was discussing modesty in dress and why. I see so many young girls (even LDS) pushing the limits of modesty these days.

Unfortunately we get such a wide difference of opinions even among the adults here on this forum.

I agree, but I'd alter this slightly. A discussion of modesty, including modesty in dress, would be appropriate. Modesty is so much more than clothing, and unfortunately, the way we teach it to Young Women, it's easy to miss that.

You should also encourage them to consider if they'd like the option of serving a mission and help them understand what they can do to prepare now.

Especially now with the minimum age so much lower than before.

==========

I was released last year as ward YW president. I served for a little over 2.5 years, and they were the best years of my life, without reservation. I loved that calling so much. I was released in May, and I still miss it.

The girls in my ward during those years were ethnically diverse, and came from very different home life backgrounds. Two African-American young women were sisters whose dad was in prison, and had been since they were very young. Another was a convert who came from a less-active and part-member family. Her sister still lived in Peru, and she hadn't seen her since she was three years old. Another African-American young woman was adopted out of the foster system. She has no father, and her mother is old enough to be my grandmother. A few others came from relatively functional "normal" families, but we had a fairly diverse group.

My bishopric was fairly absent when it came to the youth program in our ward, unfortunately. The only time my girls were ever interviewed was for temple recommends. This was not due to a lack of my nagging the bishopric or executive secretary. As you can see, many of the young women I served could really have benefited from a trusted Priesthood brother in the ward, besides a home teacher. It makes me sad that they didn't have that. In that respect, I'm somewhat of the opinion that no matter* what you talk about with the young women, make sure that you do talk with them.

*Note that I said "no matter," not "it doesn't matter." It does. Just make sure the talking actually happens, though. :)

[MarginOfError]

I'm good with that. I still just feel it's a subject that should be approached..even if only done as you suggested.

I think it is wise to approach it. Just to put some perspective on it from my personal experience:

I am my troop's Family Life merit badge counselor. Virtually no one in my troop gets Eagle without doing this merit badge with me. On a couple of occasions, when reviewing the topics the scouts are to discuss with their parents, I've had a scout ask, "you mean I'm going to have to talk about sex with my parents?" I've occasionally quipped, "You can either talk about sex with your parents or you can talk about sex with me." Each time, the scout has said they'd prefer to talk about it with their parents. And these are boys! I assure you, if 15 year old boys are hesitant to talk about sex to an adult male with whom they have built a strong relationship with, then 15 year old girls are going to be outright terrified to talk about it with an adult male that they have only a passing relationship with at church.

Also, don't rule out the possibility of having a fireside for the parents of youth to discuss strategies for talking about sex with their teenagers. If possible, get an expert from the local school system to come in and lead that discussion.

[Just_A_Guy]

You should also encourage them to consider if they'd like the option of serving a mission and help them understand what they can do to prepare now.

Especially now with the minimum age so much lower than before.

True; though I'd want to be careful not to go too far with that. Young women should serve missions if they want to; but shouldn't be pressured into doing so. As I understand it, missionary service is primarily a priesthood duty--no priesthood = no duty. It seems to me President Hinckley touched on this in during General Conference a few years ago.

[Anddenex]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Let me share from my perspective. My parents never talked with me about sex. What I learned about sex was from school and from friends.

I knew the LOC was a commandment. I also was taught about necking and petting, however it wasn't until I was 16, when my brother told me what petting and necking were. I wish my leaders when they shared petting and necking would have explained this in more detail, thus I would have known.

Up until my brother told me I thought petting was when you touched a woman's hair, like you would pet a dog. I thought it was the most ridiculous commandment ever, because no one openly shared what petting was. I also misunderstood what necking was.

As for me, it was a cowardly approach by my parents and my priesthood leaders not to reinforce and define what the law of chastity was/is, and no I did not myself find the conversation uncomfortable, nor was I hesitant.

I truly appreciate the thoughts provided especially other topics shared.

[Anddenex]

Uncomfortable, what defines uncomfortable?

If we base our efforts on "uncomfortable" situations or topics what is the defining point? Some teenagers are uncomfortable to talk about faith - especially less actives.

Some parents don't talk to their children about sex and the LOC because they are uncomfortable. I dated a girl in college who asked her parents about sex, she was 12 years old. The parents response because her parents were uncomfortable, "You're to young for this topic."

She never again asked her parents anymore questions about sex, and what she learned was from her peers which lead her into sin, breaking the LOC.

Why should our reason for not speaking weigh upon "uncomfortable" topics?

[Jennarator]

I don't think we ever had them. LOL! I really don't. My daughter, however, just turned twelve, and the bishop had me come in with her for it. He talked about the standards and what they ment. It was good I was there, because my daughter is shy and won't talk much.

[Just_A_Guy]

Uncomfortable, what defines uncomfortable?

If we base our efforts on "uncomfortable" situations or topics what is the defining point? Some teenagers are uncomfortable to talk about faith - especially less actives.

Some parents don't talk to their children about sex and the LOC because they are uncomfortable. I dated a girl in college who asked her parents about sex, she was 12 years old. The parents response because her parents were uncomfortable, "You're to young for this topic."

She never again asked her parents anymore questions about sex, and what she learned was from her peers which lead her into sin, breaking the LOC.

Why should our reason for not speaking weigh upon "uncomfortable" topics?

1. Because it's not necessarily our place. I like the idea posited earlier of having a fireside for parents about talking to your kids about these things.

2. Because in many cases, we're not as equipped to step in as we think we are. Isn't the statistic that something like 25% of females are victims of sexual assault before their 18th birthday? In that kind of situation, do I really want to start talking to sex about every teenaged female in my ward? The bishop may have to; I don't see why a counselor or any other male in the ward should have to step into that minefield.

[MarginOfError]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Let me share from my perspective. My parents never talked with me about sex. What I learned about sex was from school and from friends.

I knew the LOC was a commandment. I also was taught about necking and petting, however it wasn't until I was 16, when my brother told me what petting and necking were. I wish my leaders when they shared petting and necking would have explained this in more detail, thus I would have known.

Up until my brother told me I thought petting was when you touched a woman's hair, like you would pet a dog. I thought it was the most ridiculous commandment ever, because no one openly shared what petting was. I also misunderstood what necking was.

As for me, it was a cowardly approach by my parents and my priesthood leaders not to reinforce and define what the law of chastity was/is, and no I did not myself find the conversation uncomfortable, nor was I hesitant.

I truly appreciate the thoughts provided especially other topics shared.

I don't mean anything against your parents here, but this was primarily a failing on your parents' part--not your priesthood leaders. Having said that, I will reiterate that if you feel such is an issue in your (or even if you don't), then it would be prudent to schedule a fireside for the parents. You will have much better results if you can teach and inspire the parents of these girls to talk about uncomfortable topics than you will if you try to fill the hole. Remember, leadership isn't about doing--it's about helping others do for themselves.

Also, I'll add that if you really think someone needs to clarify to the young women what the law of chastity entails, that's probably handled better by a) a fireside where the information can be disseminated to the group all at once, and b) if it needs to be done on an individual basis, the young women leaders are probably in the best position to do so.