Not sure how to answer a question

[Hyena]

Someone posed a question to me I don't know how to answer or how to help this person.

Essentially, without going into too much detail, this person is suffering because they are single and alone. Granted they are obese and consider themselves unattractive (I try not to judge so I won't offer my opinion on the matter) but they've apparently been praying for years fervently for companionship or for heavenly father to aid them in losing weight.

So far, it seems their prayers have gone unanswered, the person they are infatuated with thinks of them naturally as just a friend, they suspect because of their size and appearance.

They have expressed that they are fast losing their faith... after all, how could Heavenly Father stand to see his child so lonely and isolated and feeling unloved? Why are their prayers not being answered? I wish I knew what to say, where to turn, how to convince this person that Heavenly Father does care and does hear their prayer.

Any advice to comfort a tormented soul?

[Suzie]

Is she LDS? If she is, may I recommend the wonderful talk Elder Uchtdorf gave in General Conference called "The Hope of God's Light":

"From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in darkness.

Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening and frightening. My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and wearisome fears you may be experiencing.

Nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus! He is the true, pure and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment. I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed.

There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth — God's light is real. It is available to all. It gives life to all things. ... It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.

Nevertheless, spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch. It takes an act of faith to open our eye to the Light of Christ.

Heavenly Father is always willing to help us, if we are willing to help ourselves. If she is obese as you stated, perhaps she should start by taking care of her health since obesity leads to many other health issues.

[Praetorian_Brow]

God helps those who help themselves.

[skippy740]

The person who is praying to win the lottery still has to go out to buy a ticket.

Hyena, your question is a good one, but we don't have enough information. What has this person DONE to help themselves to expand their circle of friends? Do they go to activities with the Church or others?

Sometimes, we need to learn to accept ourselves before others can accept us. If a depressed person is seeking companionship... what kind of person is that? A depressed person who is HOPING that someone else will make them feel better about themselves. That's a recipe for disaster in the future.

I would recommend that person continue to read in their scriptures, read/obtain their patriarchal blessing and gain a testimony that they are a son/daughter of God and that they have infinite worth. THEN, when one has that testimony of themselves and their divine potential, that is the time to begin to look for companionship.

The phrase is to "let your light shine". Sounds like this person doesn't have the light that they need. They need to find it, radiate it... and have a natural smile and positive attitude about life in general. THEN it is time to find new relationships and courting.

Just my thoughts.

[john doe]

Um, if Person A thinks that Person B is not interested in them merely because of their size/shape/appearance, then perhaps Person A is not the right person for Person B. Person B needs to find someone who will like or even love them for who they are, not what they look like. Constantly living in the fear that the one you love will leave you the second you gain an extra pound or lose your hair or when your boobs start to sag, is not a very fulfilling way to go through life.

[Guest Doctrine]

It should never be about what you look like, when my wife and I met I was, well I still am a big guy, and she is still a small lady, people asked her all the time why did you marry him, since iam a big guy and she so small, she just looks at them and says well he is smart, funny, and knows the scriptures. Then they say, well then, we better go study.

[Saldrin]

Someone posed a question to me I don't know how to answer or how to help this person.

Essentially, without going into too much detail, this person is suffering because they are single and alone. Granted they are obese and consider themselves unattractive (I try not to judge so I won't offer my opinion on the matter) but they've apparently been praying for years fervently for companionship or for heavenly father to aid them in losing weight.

So far, it seems their prayers have gone unanswered, the person they are infatuated with thinks of them naturally as just a friend, they suspect because of their size and appearance.

They have expressed that they are fast losing their faith... after all, how could Heavenly Father stand to see his child so lonely and isolated and feeling unloved? Why are their prayers not being answered? I wish I knew what to say, where to turn, how to convince this person that Heavenly Father does care and does hear their prayer.

Any advice to comfort a tormented soul?

I am not sure how much advice I can give, but I can relate to this and give my experience.

No matter what the work has to be done. Your friend would be in much better place with a healthy body, and the process of getting there can be an adventure, sometimes really hard.

At my heaviest I was 450lbs. Dec 09 I was really sick, sick of my life and sick of being alone. So I decided I was going to do the work and change, learn about what makes my body tick, what I need to eat to make it work right. When I prayed I prayed to endure the workout, that I could endure it so I could do it again, the next day. Jan 2010 I started to apply myself, starting small I would increase what I did. I changed what I ate, and the weight. By June 2010 I was down to 270 lbs yeah big change. Now in all this I have a lady friend that I really have developed an attachment to. In away I did all that work for her,(in a way I still am but I will add my motivations later) big mistake, because a few months later a mutual friend asked if I was dating, told her no and about my hope ect and she went off on me., about how my lady friend couldn’t possibly love me, because she done this that and the other, has so many milestones and I was “totally not in her league.” That did a lot of damage, stuck in my brain I couldn’t help but think I am not good enough for anyone ect, all the hot garbage I should not have listened to, for the better part of two year rattled around my brain, I got back up to 390.

So I decided after long contemplation, My worth is not based on the acceptance of the “mutual friend”, the lady friend who I dearly would still love to court, or anyone else. God does love me, I am his son and that’s what matters, and what they think doesn’t matter. In short I don’t need their approval and that has allowed me to change my attitude and I am moving again in the right direction and I will not stop for anything. I worked hard and long and even working 50 hours a week have managed to drop from 390 from Jan 1st to 322 now.

I have some motivating factors that are helping me along and I had to think long and hard to arrive and implement them in my life

I have to make this a small part but the love of my friend. She has been an influence on my life, and has motivated me to change just by being the loving person she is. I am never going to give up on that hope, on her but that can’t be the only thing driving me or what happened the first time will happen again. But in case it does happen I do want to have a healthy lifestyle that can easily blend with hers because she is in the fitness field, in short I really do not want to drag her down, so I will lift myself up.

Also I really want to help people get healthy, and I want to teach karate. The confidence it helps build in people is remarkable. So anther motivation is that I want a new life so I am going to create one in the fitness industry myself with my own unique things to teach. To that end I am working towards a personal trainer certification. I plan to be able to offer yoga too. also when working with a client I will want to look the part, so again i lift myself up.

And I have decided I am not going to give up not on myself, NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

The weight is a totally fixable problem, and as far as increasing social interaction going to a gym could be a good experience. Your friend starts going there and losing, people will take notice, they come over introduce themselves, tell you your doing good and they are noticing, that is a great feeling. My Practical advice here would be to go see a personal trainer, they have the knowledge to jumpstart weight loss not just in nutrition but also exercise, also a trip to an endocrinologist couldn’t hurt, they can analyze blood and see if there are any biological hang ups.

so get healthy for the right reasons, and in doing so something better may come of it, just don't put outcome on the approval of someone else. people should do it just to make themselves better.

Sorry for the incoherent book

Edited April 9, 2013 by Saldrin
adding thoughts

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Any advice to comfort a tormented soul?

Yes.

After you listen and validate her feelings...I know I am much more open to advice when I feel I have truly been listened to, and there is empathy for my feelings...

Then gently remind her of the Savior's life. He experienced all the pains and emotions we do. I don't mean in a general sense of the Atonement (which is powerful and unspeakable by itself)...but I mean in His life experiences.

She feels lonely...I imagine the Savior knows that feeling well. Who could He talk to about his life? He had no real peers. No human he could tell about a bad day. People wanted Him to give, give, give to them, with very few exceptions.

When He prayed in Gethsemane, He asked His apostles to watch with Him, and yet they fell asleep. He woke them up and asked them again, and yet they fell asleep. I imagine He felt alone and disappointed.

On the cross, when He cried out "My God, My God, why has Thou forsaken me?" Can you imagine the pain and the horror of that moment when He was really, truly alone?

I could go on and on...about how He knew betrayal not only from Judas, but His own people that He came to teach and heal asked for His death.

Others tried to shame him...the cross was the most humiliating death the Romans could devise. They hung people naked on crosses in public areas precisely because they wanted them to feel less than animals.

I do not say this to lecture her. I say this because in my time of loneliness and having the Heavens closed to me, I found comfort in knowing that the Savior understands my pain. He can help me because He truly understands.

And though I don't know why there is such suffering in the world (and I am thinking of rape, molestation and genocide here...) I know that God's Only Begotten Son suffered all that we have to endure and more.

Tell her to keep reaching out to the Savior for strength, comfort and healing. He will be there even when she doesn't know He his. Remember the disciples on the road to Emmaus that didn't realize it was the Savior walking there with them? He's always there, even if we can't see Him or don't recognize Him.

And about the weight issue...has she considered emotional issues that could be causing it? I am overweight too. I have always thought it was because I used food for comfort...that is certainly part of it...but only recently I realized, I have a deep, deep fear of being attractive to men. Until I resolve that (and I am in therapy), I won't be able to lose the weight and keep it off. To me one of the signs of my healing will be when I finally allow myself to maintain a healthy weight. I think she could benefit from some counseling (and yes, in case anyone is wondering, I do think most all of us could benefit from some counseling :))

[Anddenex]

boobs start to sag,

What?! Boobs sags!? Now someone tells me.

[Vort]

What?! Boobs sags!? Now someone tells me.

I wouldn't call mine sagging, exactly.

[Anddenex]

I wouldn't call mine sagging, exactly.

[brycematheson]

I'm assuming that the overweight person is a man and is interested in a woman. We have to remember that regardless of how the man looks, the woman still has her agency. She simply may not be attracted to the man. That's her choice, and there's nothing we can do to change that.

Now, this may be slightly off-topic, but I'll go about it anyway. I remember hearing a story of a man going and talking to a general authority about "Marriage after this life." He had pretty much given up the hope that he was going to be able to get married in this life. He had looked, but never really found anyone. The man was extremely overweight, but was just convinced he would receive his marriage after this life.

The general authority responded, "Have you really? Have you REALLY tried all that you can to get married? Have you tried losing weight? Have you done this... this... and this...?"

Now, like I said, I don't know if that's applicable to this situation or not, but maybe someone can find help in it?

[Hyena]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I know what I might say to her. My heart goes out to her, I know how cruel this world can be in regards to how we treat people who are less attractive. It's not right but it's also part of life. People fall in love with their eyes, the heart follows later. All that nonsense about "it's whats on the inside that counts" is about as realistic as trying to stop the tide with a spaghetti strainer. People judge by the outside first and if they can't get by what you look like they'll never get the chance to know what is in on the inside. Even if they do, they'll never get past the outside anyway because people have an affinity to aesthetic appeal. The heart wants what the eyes want. That'll never change, so we should all just accept it and move on.

[mnn727]

Remind this person concerning weight loss (and anything else) that God helps those who help themselves and that "diet and exercise with prayer" will loose a lot more weight than "soda, chips and prayer".

Losing weight is hard, I know that from personal experience, but it is possible, but you need to work at it.

I found giving up diet soda was the key to my losing weight - I now drink water in its place (I also drink milk and fruit juices) I will have maybe 1 diet soda a week if we go out, but I find that without the diet soda I am no longer craving sweets like I used to.(Your mileage may vary)

Edited April 11, 2013 by mnn727