1 Year Wait

[Roseslipper]

ditd

I know how u feel and I understand how hard it is..Iv'e thought what I would of done as well if I was ever in your situation. But I have never been in ur situation. But I seen others, yes parents might be hurt. but I seen non member parents go to the temple and wait out side, and the other set of parents stayed out with them or if theres a visitor center they can do that while u are sealed in the temple thats one thing. or if u choice to do the temple, just let your parents know how much u love them and at your reception have a special program. Iv'e seen stake Pres. giving a talk,show slides of the inside of the temple, talking about what you did in there,why it was so important for u to start your marriage there, having people sing solos or duets after wards, exchange of your rings in front of all. and making your parents feel love, and want.ed and excepted it can be very touching and very spiritual and a stepping stone into hopefully your parents and other non members there conversions, u can use your marriage as a missionary event for your parents and other non members that will be at your reception they will love it. It will all work out, and then continue on with your reception, have a open prayer... introduce your familys have them talk if they want show slides of u and ur bride growing up and up to the point that u met and now r married is an idea. if your going to have food then do, music to dance after dinner....just enjoy it and everyone will as well. Im sure there are people in your ward who can give u many good ideas.. And congradulations on your up coming marriage. You been blessed to find each other to build a righteous family of your own. any way I hope some of my suggestions helped u.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Roseslipper

[mnn727]

Both my wife and I were.are the only converts in our families. We were married in the Temple and neither of us would choose any other way.

You really have to understand what being married/sealed in the Temple means.

[ditd]

Hi Roseslipper

thank you very much for your post it was really what I needed to hear.

So far my fiance and I haven't made much of a plan for the ring ceremony and for the main part it is something that I have approached fearfully because of church guideline about ensuring that it does not take away from the sealing but the ideas that you have suggested above are truly wonderful I cannot wait to talk to my fiance about it.

Although I think it is so touching that parents would forgo being present at their child's sealing to accompany non-member family, I know my fiance has dreamed of the day that she would be able to be sealed to her husband in the temple with her family around her....

[ditd]

Both my wife and I were.are the only converts in our families. We were married in the Temple and neither of us would choose any other way.

You really have to understand what being married/sealed in the Temple means.

just to clarify:

I am fully aware of how important being sealed in the temple and for my fiance and me it is the only option that we would ever consider for our wedding

the difficult bit that I find the bitter pill to swallow is the "us and them" feelings it creates between church members and non-members or families.

It just feels that during all of the lessons and talks we sit through we are told about how important families are. Family before church and work. Until it comes to this. I understand the importance of eternal principles, perspective and families along with cleaving to your wife etc. but the bad feelings it creates just feel at odds to church teachings when it could be solved by allowing a civil then sealing ceremony IF it was performed on the same day :-/

In the UK despite having to have a civil ceremony first going to the temple was a big sacrifice because it meant there would be no time for receptions as you had to be sealed the same day - this meant that your focus was actually on the temple rather than festivities...

Edited April 24, 2013 by ditd

[Guest]

the difficult bit that I find the bitter pill to swallow is the "us and them" feelings it creates between church members and non-members or families.

It just feels that during all of the lessons and talks we sit through we are told about how important families are. Family before church and work. Until it comes to this. I understand the importance of eternal principles, perspective and families along with cleaving to your wife etc. but the bad feelings it creates just feel at odds to church teachings when it could be solved by allowing a civil then sealing ceremony IF it was performed on the same day :-/

My family is not LDS, so none of them was at my sealing. But, I don't understand the "bad feelings it creates". It is not the Church that creates that bad feeling so they don't have to lessen their standards to account for it. The situation in the UK is a compromise for the law of the land which is in the articles of faith. It is not the ideal. The ideal would be to petition the Church of England to recognize weddings performed at the LDS temple as legally binding... not lessening the requirements in the United States which is the ideal. Make sense?

[ditd]

My family is not LDS, so none of them was at my sealing. But, I don't understand the "bad feelings it creates". It is not the Church that creates that bad feeling so they don't have to lessen their standards to account for it. The situation in the UK is a compromise for the law of the land which is in the articles of faith. It is not the ideal. The ideal would be to petition the Church of England to recognize weddings performed at the LDS temple as legally binding... not lessening the requirements in the United States which is the ideal. Make sense?

I apologize, you are correct it is not the church that creates the bad feeling.

I don't really understand the point that you are trying to make here Anatess?

If it is comfort then I certainly do not feel it. If it is guidance I have already chosen the more "righteous" path.

I came here looking for comfort and guidance over a difficult situation. Many posters have offered some positive advice. Re-explaining the church policy (which I am thoroughly aware of), offering stories of fear and re-asserting why it is the righteous choice doesn't make me feel better and doesn't assist my situation.

Neither do i want to create a bandwagon of hatred for this particular church policy.

Merely I am looking for some empathy and advice from others who have experienced this situation and have dealt with it in a positive way.

My mother is travelling a great distance at a great expense to be there which makes me so happy. At the same time I understand the pain and frustration that she feels having to stand outside and watching me go into the temple with my fiance's family who are able to enjoy that sacred experience. I would like a way to make her feel special, that she is not left out and she is part of this sacred experience even if she cannot come into the temple.

Maybe that has been mixed up with my frustration over the difference of the church policy regarding marriage, especially where ALL other commandments are equal - 10% tithing is 10% regardless of your country. No tea, coffee & sexual acts is the same whatever the country

Also it is actually the government as opposed to the church that have the law so that anybody is able to object to the marriage. Also it has to be legally registered and approved by local authorities.

[Dravin]

Merely I am looking for some empathy and advice from others who have experienced this situation and have dealt with it in a positive way.

My mother is travelling a great distance at a great expense to be there which makes me so happy. At the same time I understand the pain and frustration that she feels having to stand outside and watching me go into the temple with my fiance's family who are able to enjoy that sacred experience. I would like a way to make her feel special, that she is not left out and she is part of this sacred experience even if she cannot come into the temple.

My wife is a convert, her father is a non-member as is most of her immediate family. During the sealing we had someone sit with her father in the entrance to the temple so that he:

1) Wasn't sitting there alone.

2) Had someone who can answer questions (though discussion of what was going to happen took place long before).

We also had a ring ceremony when we got back to his side of the country, both for his benefit and for those friends and family of my wife who couldn't (or understandably wouldn't) come out west for the sealing.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Dravin

[applepansy]

I come from a different perspective. My son (endowed) has chosen to turn his back on the church. He is marrying a Filipino girl who is 9 years younger than he is. She is Baptist. We like her a lot but I'm still heartbroken. The closer we get to the wedding the harder it is for me.

I understand your mother's heartache. As parents, especially mothers, we pour our heart and soul into our children. When they deliberately turn away from what we have taught it hurts!

My son claims he's agnostic and he isn't going to be a Baptist, but either he's not being honest with us or he's just ignoring all the religious elements to the wedding she is planning. I think I it would be easier for me to have him married by a justice of the peace rather than a Baptist minister with all the religious symbolism.

I think what makes it hard for me is I know my son has a testimony. He has chosen to put it in a box at the back of a closet. But as we see so often on these forums, once you have a testimony of truth it doesn't go away. It may get dusty with misuse but eventually it comes back. When I mentioned this to my inactive sister she added "it always comes back at the most inconvenient times." We see many many posts from people here at lds.net who lost their faith, turned away from the church and married, are raising children and now want to reactivate but they don't know how their spouse will feel or they state their spouse will divorce them if they return to the LDS church. I don't want that for my son. I don't want that for the lovely girl he's going to marry.

What also bothers me is if he is ignoring the religious aspects of he ceremony he's going to participate in and just going along to get along, he's lying to Heavenly Father. I believe other churches have truth and a promise to to Heavenly Father made in another church or before a minister of another religion is just as binding in Heavenly Father's eyes. For me its an honesty issue.

My heart is breaking for my son. And I find myself emotionally removing myself because I'm uncertain I will be unable to share the most important parts of my life with my grandchildren who will be raised Baptist regardless of what my son and his fiance' tell me.

It is always right to do as the Lord would have us do. It is always right to pick the Lord's way. Even when it hurts family. It also hurts family when we don't do what the Lord would have us do.

There is more on my mind about this subject but I'll end saying again that our parents love us and when we choose a path where they can't go (for whatever reason) it just plain hurts.

I wish you all the best and I pray your mother will find peace with your choices.

[ElectofGod]

I understand that the reason there is a waiting period is to ensure that members put the Savior first and foremost in their lives, but now I have mixed emotions - great happiness to be sealed to my fiance but a terrible sadness/guilt that it will not be with my parents.

Most of her close family will be there which is what makes it even worse for my mum, making her feel left out.

Any advice on how to deal with the situation and come to peace with my feelings would be greatly appreciated

I have not read anyones responses. Only replying to this one.

1) I don't feel its wrong to get married civily first, I even did it (couldn't get a sealing cancelation, and didn't want to wait a year for it since I would wait a year anyways if I got married civily)

Though, It would be nice if there wasn't that 1 year, sealings are important, and that is thee only reason why its worth not waiting.

The early days of the church nobody was married in the temples (from what I heard). They married outside than when and got sealed immediately.

Follow the spirit.

2) My wife when first married had the same problem. Have two events. One outside the temple. Even could "renew your vows", within a few hours. :lol. Ring ceremony, something formal. Anything.

Good luck. It will only get worse the closer it gets . But once the day is over, people will forget mostly about it.

[EarlJibbs]

I enjoyed your post Apple. It is good to read this from the perspective of a parent.

I don't want to get off subject, but the statement below raised my eyebrows.

I believe other churches have truth and a promise to to Heavenly Father made in another church or before a minister of another religion is just as binding in Heavenly Father's eyes.

No doubt that other churches share truths. Although I do think that God will take it seriously if we make proper covenants with him and then go and make supposed covenants at a different church, I do not beleive that they are binding in heaven, as those covenants were not properly made. This would be the same as someone giving someone else the priesthood that has no authority to give and none to receive. Even if the words are the same, do we suppose that God will accept that covenant as binding?

Going further, will it be binding in heaven if another church claims that their marrage will last the eternities just because you think you are making a promise to God?

[applepansy]

I enjoyed your post Apple. It is good to read this from the perspective of a parent.

I don't want to get off subject, but the statement below raised my eyebrows.

No doubt that other churches share truths. Although I do think that God will take it seriously if we make proper covenants with him and then go and make supposed covenants at a different church, I do not beleive that they are binding in heaven, as those covenants were not properly made. This would be the same as someone giving someone else the priesthood that has no authority to give and none to receive. Even if the words are the same, do we suppose that God will accept that covenant as binding?

Going further, will it be binding in heaven if another church claims that their marriage will last the eternities just because you think you are making a promise to God?

I understand where you are coming from. And I appreciate the chance to clarify. I'm not talking about "covenants", especially not covenants like we make in the temple. I'm not talking about anything to do with the priesthood.

I believe that even a promise made in prayer while on our knees in our bedroom is binding in heaven to some extent. Its an honesty issue. Being honest is even a requirement to enter the temple.

[estradling75]

In many cases civil marriage can be treated as second-class marriages by members church. While this is understandable given our doctrine, I think it can be a very bad mistake to go into a civil marriage with that kind of mindset. Because if it fails I just don't see God saying "Oh well it had a expiration date anyways." I think he is going to say, "Did you do everything you could to keep the convent you made to your spouse?"

[Guest]

I apologize, you are correct it is not the church that creates the bad feeling.

I don't really understand the point that you are trying to make here Anatess?

I'm sorry that I wasn't clear. From reading your post, I had the feeling that you were hoping that the Church will make the policy in the UK the standard for the Church where you get the earthly marriage first then get sealed at the temple the same day. I was trying to explain that this is not the ideal scenario. It was only instituted to follow the law of the land in the UK according to our articles of faith.

The ideal is what you're following - make your vows of marriage with all the covenants that go with it under God through the proper priesthood authority. This is what we should all strive for. Your mother loves you and wants what is best for you even when she doesn't really understand it. So, it's up to you to explain to her why it is best to make that vow in the temple and not infront of a civil officer without priesthood power. Make sense?

My family is devout Catholic, I was devout Catholic. When I married a Mormon, they were crushed. I could not get married in the Catholic Church even when I was still devout Catholic as I did not want to make the promise that we will raise our children Catholic. My husband and I were still trying to decide how we're going to raise our children. My parents opposed the union and I eloped. Yes, I would have rather that I had my family - everybody I know for sure who loves me unconditionally - in my wedding. But it was not to be. I am happy with my decision and I knew that in time, my family will understand why I had to do it that way. I've been married 15 years and my relationship with my family is as strong as ever. Even when I crushed their feelings once more when after 3 years of marriage to a Mormon, I decided to be baptized LDS. I got baptized without a single family member from my side in attendance. I still don't regret it until now. And my family now respects my decisions and knows that I was simply following what I believe to be true - not in defiance to deliberately hurt my parents. They want what is best for me even when they don't agree with it. Yes, until today, my mother still has my name in the prayer rolls in the Carmelite Sisters for my salvation. I am grateful for this. It shows how much she loves and cares for me.

Hope this helps some.

[StriplingWarrior]

I think I am just going to get married in the temple and later that day get married again in a civil service. Most of my family isn't LDS either, and I don't want to snub them.

[Guest]

I think I am just going to get married in the temple and later that day get married again in a civil service. Most of my family isn't LDS either, and I don't want to snub them.

As long as the Civil Service doesn't have the "legal paperwork" you can do that. I think it's a great idea.

[applepansy]

I think I am just going to get married in the temple and later that day get married again in a civil service. Most of my family isn't LDS either, and I don't want to snub them.

As LDS members we have been strongly counseled to not do this as it can detract from the importance of the sealing ceremony.

I think this exact thing has been discussed here at lds.net before.

Addition:

Planning Your Temple Wedding - New Era Oct. 2004 - new-era

Edited April 24, 2013 by applepansy

[Guest]

As LDS members we have been strongly counseled to not do this as it can detract from the importance of the sealing ceremony.

I think this exact thing has been discussed here at lds.net before.

Addition:

Planning Your Temple Wedding - New Era Oct. 2004 - new-era

Yes, apple, I agree that the snag here is the "get married again" part. There's no "getting married again". It seems like you feel the temple wedding was not enough.

But, it does not detract from the importance of the sealing ceremony if we join in celebration with our non-member families after the temple sealing - which can come in the form of a ring-exchange or some traditional walking down the aisle stuff that has no eternal/legal aspects. It's merely part of the wedding celebration.

[Dravin]

As LDS members we have been strongly counseled to not do this as it can detract from the importance of the sealing ceremony.

I think this exact thing has been discussed here at lds.net before.

Addition:

Planning Your Temple Wedding - New Era Oct. 2004 - new-era

There is also:

“Though the exchanging of rings is not part of the temple marriage ceremony, rings may appropriately be exchanged at the conclusion of the temple marriage ceremony in the room where that ceremony takes place. To avoid confusion with the marriage ceremony, it is not appropriate to exchange rings at any other time or place in the temple or on the temple grounds.

“A couple may exchange rings in locations other than at the temple. The circumstances should be consistent with the dignity of their temple marriage. The exchange should not appear to replicate any part of the marriage ceremony. For instance, there should be no exchanging of vows on that occasion” (Bulletin, 1989-4, p. 1).

Link: LDS.org - Ensign Article

[sarah331]

I didn't read all the replies, but why don't you do the temple sealing first, then to the American-traditional wedding after? Even if legally you're married when you do the sealing, I think completely separating the sealing from what your family thinks of as a wedding might help.

Then, you can bring in some sealing concepts to the "ceremony" for the wedding -- not wording, that's sacred, but concepts. Write your own ceremony and have a Bishop officiate.

For the record I think you should do what you want and what you feel is right (how you're prompted) but I also fully understand your family's position.

ETA if you write your own, you may be able to use it as an opportunity to educate without being pedantic, if that makes sense.

Edited April 24, 2013 by sarah331

[ElectofGod]

I would pray about your decision. I am not sure I agree with the advice in that ensign entirely (partially do). But I have not prayed about it. There are exceptions to everything and that is between you and the Lord. Not you and the Church.

[Guest]

I would pray about your decision. I am not sure I agree with the advice in that ensign entirely (partially do). But I have not prayed about it. There are exceptions to everything and that is between you and the Lord. Not you and the Church.

Say what? The Church is not the Lord's?

[ElectofGod]

Say what? The Church is not the Lord's?

Nope, its the Lord's church. People make mistakes, things are done due to the traditions of man. Its up to us to gain a witness through the spirit how it is to be done for ourselves. As said in last conference, "do we expect the prophet to tell us ALL where to live". I don't mean to start a argument on the linguistics of it all. Just because something is written in an Ensign doesn't mean its doctrine or correct. People make mistakes, ideas are not always correct, but people who write them are men who are doing their best trying to be inspired (hopefully!). That is all the Lord asks us to do.

Things should be done by the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. That's what the jews did, thats what many do today that cause them to "look beyond the mark". They forget to seek the spirit in all things and miss what the Savior has for them at this moment.

As McConkie stated, "The church is only a vehicle", that can be used to bring us closer to Christ. It will not save us, we will save ourselves (10 virgins). But we need the ordinances don't get me wrong. Or take my statements out of context. I love the church, and owe my life to everyone who has sacrificed so much to give us the saving ordinances. I hope I didn't come off the wrong way on what I am really trying to say.

I am saying don't be caught up on every single literal law we forget to seek the spirits confirmation on whether its right for us or not.

Edited April 24, 2013 by ElectofGod

[Guest]

Nope, its the Lord's church. People make mistakes, things are done due to the traditions of man. Its up to us to gain a witness through the spirit how it is to be done for ourselves. As said in last conference, "do we expect the prophet to tell us ALL where to live". I don't mean to start a argument on the linguistics of it all. Just because something is written in an Ensign doesn't mean its doctrine or correct. People make mistakes, ideas are not always correct, but people who write them are men who are doing their best trying to be inspired (hopefully!). That is all the Lord asks us to do.

Things should be done by the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. That's what the jews did, thats what many do today that cause them to "look beyond the mark". They forget to seek the spirit in all things and miss what the Savior has for them at this moment.

As McConkie stated, "The church is only a vehicle", that can be used to bring us closer to Christ. It will not save us, we will save ourselves (10 virgins). But we need the ordinances don't get me wrong. Or take my statements out of context. I love the church, and owe my life to everyone who has sacrificed so much to give us the saving ordinances. I hope I didn't come off the wrong way on what I am really trying to say.

I am saying don't be caught up on every single literal law we forget to seek the spirits confirmation on whether its right for us or not.

This is a slippery slope you're walking on.

Yes, there is personal revelation. But, you need to be very careful when your personal revelation contradicts the words of the prophets. Therefore, it is not right to say "This is not between you and the Church, this is between you and the Lord" because the Church is the Lord's Church. Yes, Man, in his weakness, may be wrong on certain things, but The Church is not The Man and therein lies the distinction.

[EarlJibbs]

Nope, its the Lord's church. People make mistakes, things are done due to the traditions of man. Its up to us to gain a witness through the spirit how it is to be done for ourselves. As said in last conference, "do we expect the prophet to tell us ALL where to live". I don't mean to start a argument on the linguistics of it all. Just because something is written in an Ensign doesn't mean its doctrine or correct. People make mistakes, ideas are not always correct, but people who write them are men who are doing their best trying to be inspired (hopefully!). That is all the Lord asks us to do.

Things should be done by the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. That's what the jews did, thats what many do today that cause them to "look beyond the mark". They forget to seek the spirit in all things and miss what the Savior has for them at this moment.

As McConkie stated, "The church is only a vehicle", that can be used to bring us closer to Christ. It will not save us, we will save ourselves (10 virgins). But we need the ordinances don't get me wrong. Or take my statements out of context. I love the church, and owe my life to everyone who has sacrificed so much to give us the saving ordinances. I hope I didn't come off the wrong way on what I am really trying to say.

I am saying don't be caught up on every single literal law we forget to seek the spirits confirmation on whether its right for us or not.

Elect, I agree that we should pray for confirmation when we are not sure what to do or if when have doubts. Or even when we just want to be reassured about our decision.

I am afraid however, that there are some in the church that pray for every decision they make. Shall I turn left? Shall I turn right? When in fact if we are worthy of the spirit, could I not get confirmation or a warning by simply reading the story? If we have been taught correct principles, and are worthy of the spirit, do we need separate confirmation of everything said from the pulpit or in the articles that we read?

[applepansy]

I would pray about your decision. I am not sure I agree with the advice in that ensign entirely (partially do). But I have not prayed about it. There are exceptions to everything and that is between you and the Lord. Not you and the Church.

Agree or not. The Ensign article is just one place where a civil marriage ceremony AFTER a Temple wedding/sealing is strongly discouraged.

Do your own search. The GAs of the church have said it detracts from the spirit of the temple to have a civil ceremony afterwards.

I agree we should pray about the best way to handle these big decisions. But when we have counsel from the church regarding an issue for me the decision becomes very easy to make, even when its a hard choice.