My son wants to be my daughter

[TotallyWalkingByFaith]

My son is 20. He is adopted but I have had him since he was a baby (as a foster child). My other children are much older than him.

He is mildly Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

He moved out of the house shortly after his 20th birthday when he decided to make the choice to live on his own rather than go to church with us (we are LDS). There were no histrionics - he is a calm loving sweet person. Taking part in family activities was part of our requirements for him living with us - whether that be going on outings or going to church.

Because of his Fetal Alcohol-edness (yes, I made that up), he has always done whatever his friends want him to do. He has little will of his own socially.

Today he made his first visit to the doctor who has the power to prescribe him hormones to start a sex change. He is on our insurance and has not been paying us for it (he has steady work at a popular fast food place and was even recently been sent for training as a shift manager).

My first thought was to just take him off of our insurance. I called them today and they will cover HRT if it is deemed medically necessary--and I'm sure he friends know which doctor for him to go to to deem it as such--but the insurance will not pay for any surgeries.

In answer to my prayers of what my role is in this and what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, He is responded with a phrase from my Patriarchal Blessing: Be kind, considerate and loving. But I also don't want to be enabling. How would you handle this? What advice can anybody give me to be kind, considerate and loving without being enabling?

[NeuroTypical]

What advice can anybody give me to be kind, considerate and loving without being enabling?

That's odd, I was going to advise you to be kind, considerate, and loving without being enabling. Sounds like you answered your own question.

If he's 20 and living on his own, why is he still on your insurance in the first place? Sounds like a great time to take him off. If he's an independent adult, treat him like one. If he's a dependent child, treat him like one.

Make sure you love the heck out of him as he moves through whatever he's moving through. Folks wanting/getting sex changes tend to have all sorts of problems and much higer rates of drug abuse and suicide (both attempts and successes).

God bless you for adopting him. Sounds like you've done your best.

[Backroads]

I'm getting the feeling you don't think any of this is medically necessary. How comfortable are you with taking him off the insurance?

[sarah331]

For me, the hardest thing with this would be to determine if it's something he truly feels he wants/needs to do, versus him taking on the actions of the group or person he is with (with what you said about him being very impressionable).

Personally if I knew it was something he wanted/needed to do I would not take him off insurance but would urge him to make sure he was taking this seriously and cautiously, and with a psychologist deeply present who can assist with all of the ins and outs of this. I am pro-...I don't know what you call it, I believe there are truly transgendered people in this world, and sex-change surgery is what they need to live their fullest life. But 20 is still young to undergo life-altering, permanent procedures.

[TotallyWalkingByFaith]

What would I benefit from taking him off of our insurance? Two weeks ago he came to me with the worst case of strep I have ever seen - his tonsils were so horribly swollen he couldn't sip soup. One tonsil was nearly black. I thought he had gangrene of the tonsil!

If he hadn't been on insurance, I would have had to pay for it - what parent would do otherwise? - instead he just owes us for the co-pays. So no, I don't want to take him off of insurance and I feel like if I do, that will be vindictive. He is very independent but insurance is not available as part of his job right now.

I should mention that he has a slightly than lower IQ--probably comparable to a high functioning Down Syndrome--and is very small (5'2" and 95 +/- pounds) but very attractive and charismatic. Thankfully, he is able to hold down a job and pay his own bills but ran through $4,000 from his savings account in about 2 months after being out on his own. Probably with the encouragement of friends.

He is emotionally and functionally the age of maybe 12 or 13. He still needs our help to be out on his own (and trust me when I say I am NOT a helicopter mom. He really does need our help). He is trying hard to be completely independent and has not even come home once until his strep drove him back home. And I know what apartment complex he is in but not which apartment specifically so I let him live his life.

[sarah331]

With this information I would venture to say no psychologist would endorse hormone therapy for him, at the very least not this quickly. I'm hoping this doctor w the power to prescribe HRT is a psychologist; if not that is one quack doctor.

If he's functionally a teen, do you have any power of attorney or anything that would grant you access to his medical records or a say in his medical treatment? If so I'd push that. I think it's dangerous the doctor is proceeding without a psychologist (this is an assumption) and the hormones can really mess you up

[Swiper]

He is responded with a phrase from my Patriarchal Blessing: Be kind, considerate and loving. But I also don't want to be enabling. How would you handle this? What advice can anybody give me to be kind, considerate and loving without being enabling?

I do NOT think you would be "enabling" by maintaining status quo and keeping him keep on your insurance. In this case, inaction might be the best action to take. You would be enabling if you actively supported his decision and provided the funds to do so (i.e. giving him money towards the surgery which is not covered by the insurance).

It would be ill adviced to remove him from your insurance before he has another insurance lined up. To the best of my knowledge, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a pre-existing medical condition that will make it difficult or even impossible for him to get private health insurance on his own. How would you feel if you drop him from the insurance and then he get seriously ill or injured before he is able to get insurance on his own? I have a daughter with pre-existing medical condition (Periventricular heterotopia) and I will keep her on my insurance as long as I can because she will have a hard time finding insurance on her own.

No matter what, make sure that you are kind, considerate, loving, and UNDERSTANDING, to what he is going through. I am sure he hasn't taken these steps lightly, but have spent a long time thinking about it and that he is convinced this is the right step for him. Make sure he knows that you love him and that you will be there for him. You can voice your concerns about his ife decisions and make sure he has talked with a qualified psychologist before proceeding. Perhaps, you both can attend a couple of sessions ith a family therapist or psychologist together?

Good luck and be there for him. Make sure he knows that your love for him is unconditional even if you don't always support his decisions in life.

[NeuroTypical]

He is emotionally and functionally the age of maybe 12 or 13.

Ok - this makes a big difference. He's basically a disabled dependent adult child, who will probably need your (or some other) assistance and support, long-term, to live as independently as possible. Is that an accurate statement?

If that's the case, then you get to make medical decisions for him. And maybe you need to take legal steps to assure you can. What do you think - is your child actually a girl who has basically been treated and thought of as the wrong gender for all these years? If not, then it would seem that you don't allow the surgery.

Something to consider - faith may or may not ease your path here. Faith can help you make up your mind, but then you need a lot of things besides faith to help you walk.

[carlimac]

Did this come out of the blue or is it something he talked about while growing up? If it's something that doesn't surprise you because of indications that he has wanted to go this way for a long time, it would be worth it to get everything checked out physically (anatomically) x-rays, CT scans, hormone levels, etc. If sex change is something that just came up recently, sounds like a good psychologist is needed. It might be that because of his petite size he thinks he'd make a better girl than boy. ( Wild guess)

Anyway, I wouldn't just fork out the money or allow insurance to be used for this before he's checked out physically and done some time with psychologists.

By the way, I still have my married 25 yr old daughter on our insurance. That will end this year when she turns 26. Luckily her husband is starting a new job that provides insurance.

[Martain]

If his friends can arrange him to see a dishonest doctor who can falsely declare it as medically necessary then why not preempt such by going through the testing process described above and getting a honest and trustworthy doctor who I fully expect would indicate such is not medically necessary?

I don't see why you'd remove him from your insurance either but armed with such evidence, you could use it to combat any future false reports of such nature.

As to where it's coming from, what does he say? Does he say that he thinks he really should have been born a girl and isn't really a guy at all and thus needs to have it corrected? Does he say that he knows that he's a guy but doesn't want to be one anymore? Does he say that he's not attracted to the opposite sex? Sounds like time to invite him over for a family meal.

As to what to do, surely you are in need of personal revelation are you not? Surely God knows the best way for you to deal with this and help him and would want you to know should you ask in worthiness to so receive right? If so then either seek or continue thus seeking.

I do not envy you this trial and don't know that I've offered you any valuable insights or advice but my prayer is with you.

Sincerely,

Brother M.

[Gretchen]

I'd sit down with him and talk. Ask him why he wants the surgery. Ask him if he understands what it means in the first place, and if he is aware of what will follow (things like bra shopping --yes, I did just say that.)

Listen to him. It could be that his "friends" are taking advantage of him (and if he went through $4,000 in the first two months of being on his own, it's a safe bet they are) and they want him to be a girl for some crazy reason I know not, and do not wish to try to figure out.

Oh, and good luck, hugs, and chocolate.