Inactivity

[Jia]

Hey everyone. My husband and I were married in the temple over three years ago, and about a few months after we were married we became inactive (his work forced him to work on Sundays and from there it just got worse and worse.) We've tried going back in the past, but sometimes with such full force we kinda fall short of expectations. We've been given callings that didn't work out and we felt horrible for having to call substitutes everyweek cause we were too sick to go, too tired, or honestly just didn't want to go.

Lately life has just been horrible. We fight more often, I personally feel empty, and life is giving us a raw deal. We both agree it's because we don't go to church. I want to get back to how we were right when we got married, or even before to be honest but I'm afraid if we go full force like always, we'll just crash and burn again and end up right back where we are. How can we take the small steps needed to get our lives back together?

Financially we're desperate right now (both full time students and husband works 50+ hours weekly) and yet ends are not being met. We've been told to go to our local Bishop (with whom we still haven't met yet since we moved) to see if we can get some assistance, but we're both too embarassed to do so since we haven't even attended church in over a year.

I just don't even know where to begin to fix things. Any suggestions? Anyone know how we're feeling? If so, how did you deal with it?

[BenRaines]

If you have to start by going to Sacrament meeting. After a few weeks of that add Sunday School. Then add third hour meetings.

Not sure what time church is but no reason you shouldn't go while your husband is working if you don't work on Sundays.

I can understand why you are having troubles in your marriage. One of the partners in your marriage relationship you have over the last three years left out of it. When my wife and I married we were reminded that it was to be a relationship between us as a partnership and with Jesus Christ. As long as we have kept all three partners involved in the relationship things have flourished. It is when one or the other is not communicating.

Just my thoughts.

Ben Raines

[shanstress70]

This is coming from a post-LDS point of view, just so you know up front...

If you believe the church is true and want to be active, then get active. Just go! I'm not quite sure what the problem is.

As far as the money situation goes, I'm all about fending for myself (and family, of course). Do you have children? Can you get a job, or are you staying home with your children? If you're staying home with your children, can you take on another one or two during the day for money?

Perhaps school for you or your husband should be put on hold until you get one person through. Maybe tuition for two at one time is just too much.

Hope this helps...

[LT04]

When I got hurt in the Army overseas the Army and the VA left me holding the bag on the medical bills after they medically discharged me. So I know how it feels to have to much month left at the end of the money. My wife and I got mean and verbally hostile to each other at this time. We were both inactive in our faiths (me LDS and her Catholic). We both had to work more just to keep the lights on. This to me sounds like the same story only the names have been changed to protect the guilty (hehe). It seemed like we only made enough time to see each other to argue with each other.

One day my wife and I said things need to change or we aren't going to make it in this marriage. So this is what we did:

1) Made a list of the bills. We decided first we needed to buy food, second the mortgage, then the lights, lastly the car. (the car came last b/c we had one already paid in full)

2) Then all the credit card debt med. bills and every thing else went in order from smallest to largest and over the past two and a half years we paid off over $45,000 in Med bills alone.

Once money wasn't a source of contention between us we got along famously.

3) Like Ben said I started just going to sacrament meeting. Recently I was becoming less active till I found this site, so Sunday mornings I would get up a few hours early and browse around here to gather inspiration. I know scriptures are great and all but at the time they didn't seem to work for me I needed support from real live people. Then I would leave for church about 30 to 60 min early and just sit in the chapel getting into the frame of mind I needed to be in. (that came some time later)

I'm going to be honest it was very hard at first the first person I talked to asked who I was, how long I lived in the area then demanded to know what took me so long to get there. It was a little brutal. Now that same fellow is now my bishop and asked if I would be in his bishopric.

If you want to become active again surround yourself with people who have the same ideals. A good example of that would be my sister-in-law. She meets guys in bars and complains how they are the bottom of the bucket. Its hard for me to tell her thats where she found them in the first place. She got exactly what she picked up.

I understand how your husbands schedule can be difficult, I think its so much harder to what to go if your all by your self. You feel like a sacrificial lamb. What I started to do after a wile was to offer to bring the elders they live several miles from the church building. It worked out I got to go early like I mentioned above and now I had to stay to whole time to bring them home after.

I hope this post has brought you some encouragement and I hope others will do the same to support you in your efforts in the mean time. My wife and I will pray for you that you may find the intestinal fortitude you need to make it to the bench tomorrow morning.

Good luck and God bless you,

-LT04

[susieSA]

Hello Jia...

Personally I think that you have taken the first step by asking... That means that you have the desire to return :)

Like Ben says... Start by going to Sacrament & then from there when you are feeling comfortable enough to do so then you add Sunday School...

All baby steps

And try to make friends with others in your ward... that would help to strengthen you :)

[the_jason]

Financially we're desperate right now (both full time students and husband works 50+ hours weekly) and yet ends are not being met. We've been told to go to our local Bishop (with whom we still haven't met yet since we moved) to see if we can get some assistance, but we're both too embarassed to do so since we haven't even attended church in over a year.

Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the LORD of hosts.

--Malachi 3:8-11

The best way to become financially stable, not wealthy, but stable, is to pay your tithing. The Lord will make good on His promise.

My wife and I have struggled financially our entire 5 year marriage. We've inadvertently been writing bigger checks than our income will allow, yet somehow we're doing well. We've always had a roof over our heads, our kids have all that they need, and we've been able to keep our creditors away. On paper, there's no way we could have made it. The Lord doesn't use paper though. The only way we've made it thus far is by not missing one tithing payment.

Nearly 2 years ago my wife discovered that a rather large tithing check hadn't cleared the bank. She had already deducted it from the check register so that it wasn't a burden on us, but it still bothered her for the next few months.

When we went into tithing settlement and got our statement we discovered that the mysterious payment showed up. My wife then looked at the check register for the millionth time and only then noticed that she had deducted the payment twice. This happened to be right before Christmas and was during one of our most financially troublesome times. We had a better Christmas knowing a few more bills were paid, but more importantly that we had been obedient to a law of Heaven and we were truly blessed for it.

[Jia]

LT - I love those ideas, very good. My husband's schedule now allows us to go to Church but our main problem is this: I don't like going without him, and he hates being forced to go. If someone (especially his parents) nag him about going (which they do SOOOOO often) he won't go because it's natural for him to rebel, even though he wants to go. He was forced into the church all of his life, so when he grew up he kinda rebelled out of repression I think. But he loves the church. He served a mission and loved it! When we were living at another apartment a year or so ago, even though we were inactive, we would invite the missionaries over and feed them. We adore missionaries! They're so great. So I can see that he loves the Church, as do I, but it's so hard when our only support system is his family and they don't support, they seem to judge.

Jason - My brother in law says this too LOL! We're generally smart about our bills, but my husbands work pretty much threw us for a loop by messing his checks up a few times in a row right when we got a new apartment, so now we're living paycheck to paycheck and I hate it. We have to not pay one bill just so we can buy groceries.

[the_jason]

Jason - My brother in law says this too LOL! We're generally smart about our bills, but my husbands work pretty much threw us for a loop by messing his checks up a few times in a row right when we got a new apartment, so now we're living paycheck to paycheck and I hate it. We have to not pay one bill just so we can buy groceries.

If you think of tithing as a bill then you'll find excuse not to pay it. When you think of it as a saving commandment, you'll find every possible means necessary to pay it. Even though tithing is used for the physical needs of the Church, it has an even greater purpose. "Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created." D&C 29:34

Tithing is a law of obedience and a law of sacrifice, not a law of finance. It's no wonder why a full-tithe is required to enter the temple, for in the temple you covenant to obey such laws. Pay your tithing. You'll be blessed for it. Period.

[LT04]

Jason - My brother in law says this too LOL! We're generally smart about our bills, but my husbands work pretty much threw us for a loop by messing his checks up a few times in a row right when we got a new apartment, so now we're living paycheck to paycheck and I hate it. We have to not pay one bill just so we can buy groceries.

I understand payroll mess ups when I got hurt in Afganistan and came back to Fort Drum my 201 file said I was killed in action so my LES (its like a pay stub) said "no pay do" for three months (side note: The personnel office didn't think it was very funny when I asked them for my Soldiers Group Life Ins. policy)

What we did was to create a "emergency fund" we scrimpt and saved to have about $500 in a savings account incase say the car broke down. Once we got the emergency fund in place we prioritized bills like you said.

Heres some advice, I don't know how honest it is (I'll leave it to your discretion) but we found it worked. We would prioritize bills like you have but even if we couldn't pay lets say one for $100 a month we would still send them $20. I have been told they won't reposes, foreclose or any other of that fun bank stuff they get to do. From the same source he said that it screws up there computer when they see money being paid on that account no matter how much the computer won't always send it to the collections department. He said they would rather go after the dirt bags who have no intention of paying at all. Something to keep in mind.

Now I can't let you go with saying something about tithing. I not the best example at this when the belt gets tightened and I miss a few meals a day I'll admit for me that I don't always pay it as I should. That being said I have a story for you:

I was a young soldier at Fort Belvoir, VA. My Sergeant who was a southern baptist told us the importance of paying tithing. He asked us do you believe that G-d created the Earth, the solar system, galacies.... (you get the Idea) I said yes. Then he asked do you believe that G-d has a complex system in place to keep the planets from running into each other if he doesn't want them to? I said yes. Then he asked do you think that takes a lot of math to figure out how to keep all that in place? I said yes. He then asked so do you think G-d is way better in math then any one on the Earth? I said well of course. Then he replied well G-d asked you for 10% I think you can handle it!

Well depending where in the country you live its early Sunday morning so here is you kick out of bed to get ready for church. Good luck and G-d Bless.

-LT04

[Jia]

Really wanted to go to church today, but I haven't been feeling all that well this week and when I woke up this morning, the glands in my throat were swollen and all red. It kills. But my husband promised me that next week we'll go for sure and he'll be taking good care of me this week to help me get better.

[susieSA]

Really wanted to go to church today, but I haven't been feeling all that well this week and when I woke up this morning, the glands in my throat were swollen and all red. It kills. But my husband promised me that next week we'll go for sure and he'll be taking good care of me this week to help me get better.

Oooo, ouch.. I hope you get better soon..

Nothing better than when your hubby takes good care of you when you are sick.. Mine does that for me too.. It's the best

[JoeyDavid]

Hey Jia, just wanted to say hang in there i was inactive for over three years had a child, came back on and off for the same reasons, talked to my bishop a few times when he prompted us that he feels we should get married, did that had another child things were goin so bad financially, emotionally everything was just ahhhhhh then i talked to my bestfriend in oz who is a convert and now a temple patron and she gave me councel that if i truely believe then it will be okay. To pay my tithing when i can cos that is one of the first baby steps...i paid my tithing and miracle my financial troubles didnt seem so big anymore....i had finished work and the burden was left to my husband while i had my two little ones even tho we struggled we still got thru eachweek and it was okay...we were renting and paying bills and more bills but I always had a confidence in myself that everything was always gonna be okay if i just stayed strong in my beliefs and paid my tithing. I eventually came back to church and got called straight into sunbeams which has been just over a year now!!! I pay my tithing i go to the temple i love my children, our bills are getn there and we are coping alot better and yup my husband has been making a comeback to church which is such a even greater blessing :) i always made excuses not to go to church because i was exhausted, my husband worked or needed me we were sick or something always came up and in the end i suffered terribly, im not sayn im without problems now but i am so much happier and more stable than i have ever been, i have a peacefulness in my heart where it used to be filled with anxiety about how im goin to get by eachweek. i dont know if that helps but lean on those around u, councel with the lord, and take baby steps to go back to church, and yes the church is there to help those in need even the less active ones, believe me u should have seen the love that was shared with me when i was down in my lowest.....heavenly father blesses us with amazing friends around us that we have yet to meet...trust in him and you and your husband will be okay :) sorry its so long but i have a tendency to just type like im talking :) always...Joey...I am in the NewZealand Huntly Ward :)

[Jia]

I think my biggest worry is that my husband and I married in the temple, he went on a mission and we've been so inactive I'm afraid we'll get excommunicated or disfellowshiped. Nothing scares me more.

[susieSA]

I think my biggest worry is that my husband and I married in the temple, he went on a mission and we've been so inactive I'm afraid we'll get excommunicated or disfellowshiped. Nothing scares me more.

Hi Jia..

I honestly don't think that you need to worry about getting excommunicated or disfellowshiped.

Just work on the small things...

You will be just fine

You have the best person on your side... Heavenly Father

[Gwen]

some of a talk from the most recent conference (sorry if the link doesn't work, not one of my talents lol),

http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display...-690-36,00.html

Point of Safe Return

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

The gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ provides us at all times and at all places with the blessings of repentance and forgiveness.

During my training to become an airline captain, I had to learn how to navigate an airplane over long distances. Flights over huge oceans, crossing extensive deserts, and connecting continents need careful planning to ensure a safe arrival at the planned destination. Some of these nonstop flights can last up to 14 hours and cover almost 9,000 miles.

There is an important decision point during such long flights commonly known as the point of safe return. Up to this point the aircraft has enough fuel to turn around and return safely to the airport of departure. Having passed the point of safe return, the captain has lost this option and has to continue on. That is why this point is often referred to as the point of no return.

Are There Points of No Return in Our Lives?

Satan, "the father of all lies" (2 Nephi 2:18), "the father of contention" (3 Nephi 11:29), "the author of all sin" (Helaman 6:30), and the "enemy unto God" (Moroni 7:12), uses the forces of evil to convince us that this concept applies whenever we have sinned. The scriptures call him the "accuser" because he wants us to feel that we are beyond forgiveness (see Revelation 12:10). Satan wants us to think that when we have sinned we have gone past a "point of no return"—that it is too late to change our course. In our beautiful but also troubled world, it is a sad reality that this attitude is the source of great sorrow, grief, and distress to families, marriages, and individual lives.

Satan tries to counterfeit the work of God, and by doing this he may deceive many. To make us lose hope, feel miserable like himself, and believe that we are beyond forgiveness, Satan might even misuse words from the scriptures that emphasize the justice of God, in order to imply that there is no mercy.

What Is the Lord's Plan for Our Safe Return?

Protection against the influence of the devil comes through the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is the good news that Jesus Christ has made a perfect Atonement for mankind. It is the message of love, hope, and mercy that there is a reconciliation of man with God.

Sin is the willful transgression of divine law. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the gift of God to His children to correct and overcome the consequences of sin. God loves all of His children, and He will never cease to love and to hope for us. The plan of our Heavenly Father is clear, and His promises are great: "For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world . . . might be saved" (John 3:17).

Christ came to save us. If we have taken a wrong course, the Atonement of Jesus Christ can give us the assurance that sin is not a point of no return. A safe return is possible if we will follow God's plan for our salvation......

My dear brothers and sisters, my dear young friends, when the captain of a long-range jet passes the point of safe return, and the headwinds are too strong or the cruising altitudes too low, he might be forced to divert to an airport other than his planned destination. This is not so in our journey through life back to our heavenly home. Wherever you find yourselves on this journey through life, whatever trials you may face, there is always a point of safe return; there is always hope. You are the captain of your life, and God has prepared a plan to bring you safely back to Him, to your divine destination.

The gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ provides us at all times and at all places with the blessings of repentance and forgiveness. Because of this gift, the opportunity to make a safe return from the disastrous course of sin is available to all of us.

For this I give thanks to our Heavenly Father, and of this I bear testimony with all my heart and soul in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

[LT04]

I don't think you can get excommunicated for inactivity b/c you didn't do anything. (sorry that was a bad joke)

I know how you feel you scared that now you "know to much" now you can't cut ties that easy if you wanted.

Oh did I go through that period. I came to the conclusion that I need to be where I can do the most good. I decided this place might not even be in the church. After an investigation that took more than a year to complete I ended right back where I started on the bench at church.

Sorry to hear you got sick I hope you get better soon. Lets just shoot for next week then, huh. Good luck and G-d bless.

-LT04

[the_jason]

Inactivity is not justification for church discipline. If it were the membership of the Church would be cut in half. Church discipline usually comes only if there have been moral transgressions. The first time you go back to church will be scary, but that wears off. You can't allow fear to stand in the way of repentance.

[Canuck Mormon]

I know how difficult it can be. I came back after 15 years of inactivity. I was a slow process though. It started with the Home Teachers coming around once a month. The only reason I let them in was because one of them was someone I grew up in the church with. They were great. Never pressured me into going, but always politely asked. I started to attend Sacrament meeting every other week. I had my son on the other weekends, and I used that as an excuse. Then I started to take him with me to Sacrament meeting every week. Everyone always said hi and introduced themselves. Then I started to go to Priesthood every other week, still using my son as an excuse to leave early when he was with me. By this time it was more going then not going. After I received a calling to teach Primary, I had to be there all the time every week. This was about eight or nine months of going off and on. Since then, I go every week, attend all three hours (99%), my son loves Primary and is talking to his non-member Mom about being baptized when he turns eight this summer.

Good luck with your activity, and remember that if you miss a week or two it means nothing. Re-commit and go again.

Good luck and we're pulling for you

[Jia]

See, is it bad that I just wish someone would come around and try to get us to come? The ward my husband and I had in Utah was amazing! Everyone knew everyone else, and knew whoever was inactive, and the inactive people were never inactive for long because they were always being invited to things. And then we moved back to New Mexico and it feels like people just say, "Oh they're inactive? Well it must mean they don't want to come, so just forget about them."

In our old ward (here in NM) when we tried to come to church again, the Bishop took us into his office (keep in mind both my husband and I grew up in this ward and new the Bishop for years before we ever got married) and he sat us down and welcomed us back, said "So I hear you got married, any thoughts about getting sealed in the temple sometime soon?"

We were in shock. We were married in the temple! His response to that was, "Huh. Really?" As though we were joking with him.

Don't know how this new ward is, but I've just had such bad experiences with the other ward which is right down the street that, I don't know.

[Gwen]

it's nice when ppl care and come visit and invite you to things........but do you really want to put your salvation in their hands? get active again and then become the one who seeks the lost sheep, become the inspiration for the others in your ward. become a leader instead of a follower.

[rosie321]

it's nice when ppl care and come visit and invite you to things........but do you really want to put your salvation in their hands? get active again and then become the one who seeks the lost sheep, become the inspiration for the others in your ward. become a leader instead of a follower.

Liked your comments Almom. How true.

If you wait for someone to come over you might be waiting for a long time. Who knows the person called to come get you to come maybe waiting for someone to get them. Or maybe theres someone you need to be inviting thats waiting for the person to come get them:hmmm:

Wouldn't it be better for you to just go to church? YOu know you really want to....

A couple of things come to mind.

D&C 58

25 Wherefore, let them bring their families to this land, as they shall acounsel between themselves and me.

26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is acompelled in all things, the same is slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

Numbers of chapters in the D&C also talk about the fields being ripe unto harvest but the Laborers are few. The church could use your help now. Not only when someone comes to see you.

I hope that you get back to church for YOU. Because you are doing what you feel you are led to do. Because you believe you are doing what's right. Some things just need to be done. Even if its all by yourself. I think of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane and in the moments before his death. His disciples all fell asleep on him and abandoned him but christ still did what he knew he should do. YOu know what you should be doing! Your husband needs to do the same as he is able for himself also. Because it is what he is called to do.

Consider this your personal invite :) Sorry can't be there in person

But will be praying for you.

[Jia]

I'm not going to wait for people to come to me, I was just saying that it would be nice. If I'm feeling better by Sunday I WILL be going, but I'll have to see. Going to the doctor this Friday.

[the_jason]

See, is it bad that I just wish someone would come around and try to get us to come?

We are all ultimately responsible for our own salvation. Others do have an obligation to visit those who are less active, but the less active have their agency. They can't be forced.

It is not the fault of the ward members that you are inactive. It's your own.

[rosie321]

I'm not going to wait for people to come to me, I was just saying that it would be nice. If I'm feeling better by Sunday I WILL be going, but I'll have to see. Going to the doctor this Friday.

Hope you are feeling better too and will be going back.

I realize it is really hard to think about going back to church after being inactive. I've had my own moments in the past some justifiable (work) and others not so justified. I guess thats why I came across so strongly in my post. I've felt the same ways you have about not going back and where to begin at moments. But the longer away the harder it is to go back and the more excuses that arise why to hold off. Its especially hard moving to a new area and trying to break in to a new ward.

People never found me to give me the personal invite back but in my heart I felt that it was where I should be. I could go back or not. But there was something there. I came back to the truth of it for me. I was reminded of the sacrifice of our savior and realized is it too much to go to church? This request seems miniscule in comparison to what he did. That is what has helped my wayward heart.

Also as in the other post there are probably others out there too that could use your help. Who feel the same way. You might be used as an instrument in Gods hands to help recognize the needs and help address them. Though ultimately it is in each individuals hands as to what they will do.

[Jia]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm fully aware that my salvation is my own, but I always hear such great stories about how others have reached out, and since we moved back to our home town, we haven't seen that type of kindness in other members. Even when we did go to church. I'm hoping this new ward is different.