Emotional Abuse?

[california5719]

I'm pretty sure I'm a victim of emotional/verbal abuse. I've had a temple marriage for 13 years and we've always been active in the church. He's treated me with alot of disdain and coldness for many years. I've been reduced to feeling like I'm absolutely worthless and ugly, dumb, awkward, never do anything right, can't please him,etc (when I tell him how I feel he denies having any part in making me feel like this, it's my imagination).

*Yells at the drop of a hat for the smallest things (kids leave juice box on the floor, yells at me because If I hadn't bought them then there wouldn't be the problem. Told him to watch out because he didn't see a motorcyclist and almost ran him over to which he started yelling at me in front of the kids to be quiet. )

*Wont have an actual conversation with me unless it's arguing, just sentances here and there. If I tell him something I think is funny or interesting, he doesn't even look at me, just raises his eyebrows or nods. If I tell him I wish he would verbally respond to things I say he yells at me for being way overly sensitive.

*Doesn't give affection of any kind, which he realizes but says he's just not "that kind of person."

*WILL give affection if he is wanting to have sex, and if I don't want to (can you blame me if Im not in the mood very often, getting no affection and feeling like he hates me?) he'll immediately push me away, roll his eyes, and walk away.

*mumbles an awkward "i love you too" in response to me saying it, without looking at me.

*Criticizes much of what I do--my cooking isn't good, I can't take pictures right, put things together right, I'm not good enough with the kids, I talk too much, use the word "like" too much, talk too loud, slouch, the car isn't clean enough, our 2 year old coloring on the wall is my fault, the high power bill is my fault (we live in AZ so summer bills are HIGH). Etc etc the list goes on and on.

*Screamed at me in the middle of California Adventure because instead of going directly to Cars land for a fastpass while he parked the car, I took the kids on a ride on the WAY to cars land. I kept telling him quietly so nobody would hear that he was yelling at me in public with the kids right there over a ride and this is not something to get this angry over. He yelled that he didn't care and that I'm just selfish and only think about myself, took the keys and left us there. He came back later but wouldn't talk to me for 2 days.

*Screamed at me with profane words while holding our 2 year old, because I tossed a beach chair to the side of the garage (I was too tired and frustrated from him yelling at me in the car about how I was wrong about the waves being too high at the beach to boogeyboard,) to walk the 8 feet and place the chair on the ground, instead I was just tossing stuff in a pile. He said I was having "a tantrum" and and am horrible, and said I'm a "complete liar" when I explained I wasn't throwing it around in anger just to make him mad.

*Yelled at me today because my parents offered to take us all out to eat for my sons 8th bday but he wanted to go to peter piper pizza instead which we would have to pay for. He said that I'm the adult and should have told him he couldn't do pizza, what have I done, now we lost out on a free dinner because I can't think things through right."

*Alot more

If I say he is way too critical, being mean, yelling too much, etc. I'm way too "sensitive, overreacting, being stupid, etc", or he just storms out of the house. If something bad happens or an accident or something, somehow it's my fault. If we are low on money, it's because I spend too much. If I tell him to stop yelling at me in front of the kids he just tells me no because it's me who is doing something wrong and not him and Its my fault because I push his buttons. Sometimes he'll apologize and then blame it on stress and thinking I was trying to annoy him on purpose.

His own family tells me over and over how bad he treats me and it makes them upset and so I know it's not just me imagining things. If I confront him about what he's doing he explodes like I'm horrible for even suggesting he's abusive.

My daughter covered her ears and burst out crying in the car because he was yelling at me so badly. She snaps at her siblings and is rude to them just like her dad. I cannot let my kids become so affected by him, by all the contention.

I don't want a divorce mainly for the sake of wanting the kids to have a stable home (although if they keep being so affected by this I know it won't be stable no matter what), I want to try and save it if it can be, and I'm terrified of how I'd survive as a single mom. I have multiple sclerosis and can't really hold a full time job because of the unpredictability of it.

I'm going to the bishop for advice, I'm always scared of making mistakes for fear of his wrath or disdain, so me confronting him in a big way about him being abusive and it leading to possible divorce if not solved absolutely terrifies me. When I imagine the conversation, my heart races about the thought of him going into a rage and saying terrible things and scaring the kids.

Does this sound like emotional abuse? Any advise on how to confront people like this? He has had a problem with pornography in the past and maybe he has it again, I don't know I'm too afraid to ask.

thanks

Edited July 3, 2013 by pam

[Bini]

I am a firm believer that children are better off FROM a broken home than IN a broken home. Abuse in its many forms is so toxic to marriages and families. Two things to consider (1) a healthy marriage takes both the husband and the wife, and (2) you can only change yourself. If you decide that your marriage is worth fighting for you need to put everything out there on the table -- the uncomfortable and hard questions too -- ask about the porn. This is not the time to shy away in fear of what might happen, like he threatening divorce, etc. Be direct and ask him what he wants out of the marriage (since he doesn't seem to respond well to your requests). Let the bishop guide you and follow your GUT INSTINCT.

[Finrock]

Good morning California5719. I hope you are doing well! :)

I believe that you should stay true to your covenants to your husband to be his wife even when times are tough or even when he is far less than perfect.

If what you say is true about your husband, then your husband needs help. There is a way for you to completely negate your husband's domineering (provided he isn't physically abusive) by recognizing that your husband is severely spiritually wounded and rather than allow yourself to be affected by his scorn, have compassion on him. By having compassion upon your husband it will help for you to see that spiritually he is like a man drowning, except the man drowning doesn't know that he is drowning (or has chosen to ignore that he is drowning). You could hardly get upset that such a person is screaming at you when you know they are near death and all you want to do is help rescue them. Having compassion for your husband will also help you to see your husband's potential, rather than just the current reality that is causing you pain. Your husband is, after all, a precious son of Heavenly Father and God has wonderful plans and blessings in store for him and you, together. Do everything that you can do to help foster an atmosphere where the Spirit can be with you. As you become closer to Heavenly Father, your light will shine and this can be a powerful way to have the Spirit touch your husband's heart.

Also, get priesthood blessings. Ask your husband to give you a blessing.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that obviously the things I suggest are things that you can do to help but I don't mean to imply at all that the onus for him to change is on you. You do have a responsibility to help him through this spiritual crisis, but you cannot make his choices for him and you are not responsible for making him change. Therefore, I believe that is why you becoming closer to God or staying close to God, will be the most effective way that you can help your husband get closer to God.

Regards,

Finrock

Edited July 3, 2013 by Finrock
Further clarification.

[Praetorian_Brow]

Defensive anger. It covers shame, guilt and is expressing frustration at himself and that you probably don't understand or don't listen. Plus, he probably fears that what he needs to come clean about, will be used to judge him. If he has an addiction, the stress and the guilt will add to the addiction, even if he desperately wants out. I have noticed that within the church, most women seem to punish their partners by guilt tripping them, which resolves nothing.

This does not absolve him of responsibility or the poor treatment of you or the family, but it may help you to understand perhaps, where he is coming from. Which, as a man who is supposed to be the rock, bread winner, disciplinarian, its hard to speak ones mind.

Dad used to come and yell at us kids, but a lot of it was just pure frustration that he couldn't communicate with his wife, had a guilty history that is still vague and had an extremely stressful time, managing money with a wife that was beautiful, but withdrawn and battling depression.

Lots going on, besides the obvious here and as its been mentioned, abuse of any form should not be tolerated, however, its a beautiful thing when a couple can work through a serious issue together and come out of it, better people and a better relationship. Unfortunately, most people prefer to dispose the spouse, once its inconvenient.

[Drpepper]

Firstly make know mistake about it what you have listed is emotional abuse %100. No priesthood holder or any other man should respond that way. Its understandable perhaps if he has had a bad day at work and snaps as a one off but that doesn't sound like what you are saying.

The reality is that by accepting this kind of treatment you are actually teaching your children at the same time that this is ok. Your daughter who puts her hands over her ears will do the same thing when her husband shouts abuse at her because this is the norm for her. The sad thing is statistically she will be more likely to date someone like this. This is the abusive cycle.

I would definitely talk to your Bishop but Bishops by the hand book are instructed to save marriages and emotional scars are hard to see unlike physical scars.

As far as covenants, if you made covenants to be emotionally abused all you life and have that effect generations in the future then keep the covenant. But if you're husband has made a covenant to keep Gods law and harken unto his counsel, then it sounds like he has broken that covenant with you and God.

If you do want to save the marriage then some professional help for both of you is in order.

As much as you are the victim you are also giving him consent to treat you this way. A professional will help you work through this and give you strategies to deal with such behaviour if it dosen't change.

One last thought your opening line " I've had a temple marriage for the last 13 years" Really? have a think about that statement...

Here is a description of your temple marriage using your own words

Absolutely Worthless, Ugly, dumb, awkward, can't do anything right, doesn't look at me, no affection, pushes me away, critizies, talk to much, too loud, slouch, selfish, b*tch, complete liar, stupid,

Edited July 3, 2013 by Drpepper

[MarginOfError]

Here's some free advice.

• Start documenting these episodes. Write down the date, the time, the circumstances, and his reaction. Do this for a few weeks to a few months. Store it in a safe place where he won't find it.
• Put some money away in a savings account he doesn't have access to. Save a few dollars a week.
• Read https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/04/enriching-your-marriage and consider this quote "Divorce can be justified only in the rarest of circumstances. In my opinion, 'just cause' for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being. Divorce often tears people’s lives apart and shears family happiness. Frequently in a divorce the parties lose much more than they gain."
• Talk to your bishop and get a recommendation of a family therapist. Ask your husband to go with you. If he refuses, go to the next item on the list. If he agrees, give him a shot and re-evaluate after a few sessions.
• If in a couple months things haven't gotten better, then pack up the kids while he's at work and go to a safe place (your parents, or friends in a distant city).
• If you disappear and all he can do is berate you, file for a divorce. Show the notebook you've been keeping to your lawyer.
• If you disappear and after a couple days of berating you he agrees to go to counseling, give him a shot at it. Re-evaluate after a few sessions.

[mnn727]

Does this sound like emotional abuse?

Yes!

[Irishcolleen]

It is emotional abuse. It is a horrible thing to be subject to. My dad was emotionally abusive to my mom. It was horrible for us kids, as well as my mom. It made us feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in our own home. I haven't had an easy life. From sexual assault to lupus, etc... But, nothing has hurt me more than the way we were made to feel by living in a home that didn't feel like a home. It is only through the grace of God that I have survive, thrived and been able to come to terms with the past and even forgive.

You don't know if he will change or if his changes will be permanent. Just remember- the words, the yelling, the tension, the humiliation will create an atmosphere of unwelcome, fear and feelings of worthlessness in you and your children that will take years to overcome. He needs someone to make him see what his behavior is doing and someone to hold him accountable for it and help him change. If he doesn't change, you need to find a way to protect yourself and your kiddos.

[Guest]

You don't save someone from drowning by letting them wrap their arms around your neck and drag you down with them.

Your children are not in a stable home. Your husband is not a victim, he is a victimizer. The abuse extends to the children as well, as evidenced by their reactions to how their father acts. It seems to me you need to save yourself and your children from drowning by getting away from him. Maybe during separation, he will seek the help he needs, but he is not treating you as someone he would accept help from. He is treating you like a dog.

I would follow Margin of Error's advice and make plans to leave, if only temporarily. He is abusing you, and your children. Period.

What would you tell your daughter if her husband treated her this way?

[mdfxdb]

He is abusing you. 13 years is enough. Think about what you are teaching your children, think about their perceived role models. Is that what you want?

My advice.....get out.

[ElectofGod]

I hear emotional abuse is far worse than physical. From what my wife went through in her first marriage and what you stated there are lots of similarities. My wife became depressed and suicidal for a time. I would consider praying to see if you have permission to leave. Get a witness for yourself. God does not want us to be in an awful situation but to arise above it.

That could mean leaving but it could also show you a way to work through it. What has the spirit shown you to do?

[ctrguy2013]

I hear emotional abuse is far worse than physical. From what my wife went through in her first marriage and what you stated there are lots of similarities. My wife became depressed and suicidal for a time. I would consider praying to see if you have permission to leave. Get a witness for yourself. God does not want us to be in an awful situation but to arise above it.

That could mean leaving but it could also show you a way to work through it. What has the spirit shown you to do?

what do you mean when you say "permission to leave"?

[Finrock]

Good afternoon ctrguy2013. Welcome to the forums. I hope you are doing good today! :)

what do you mean when you say "permission to leave"?

I understood it to mean that when one is sealed in the temple they make a covenant to God and to their spouse that they will stay with each other through good times and bad times. That means that a person can't just decide, unilaterally, that they have permission to break the covenant without first getting approval with God, who is a necessary, indispensable party to the covenant that has been made.

Perhaps ElectofGod means something else.

Regards,

Finrock

Edited July 12, 2013 by Finrock
Spelling.

[ElectofGod]

Good afternoon ctrguy2013. Welcome to the forums. I hope you are doing good today! :)

I understood it to mean that when one is sealed in the temple they make a covenant to God and to their spouse that they will stay with each other through good times and bad times. That means that a person can't just decide, unilaterally, that they have permission to break the covenant without first getting approval with God, who is a necessary, indispensable party to the covenant that has been made.

Perhaps ElectofGod means something else.

Regards,

Finrock

Exactly. A Covenant is only a Covenant when God accepts it. We can make them all we want, but if God does not approve it does not matter. Thus if a husband or wife is mistreating their rights in the covenant, God can no longer accept it. See D&C 84 about the oath and covenant and D&C 121 states:

Apply it to covenants and all ordinances of the gospel.

36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. [both male and female can use the powers of heaven through their faith!]

37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

This is speaking to those who receive the oath and covenant of the priesthood. The temple we make many covenants. Keep in mind this oath and covenant applies to the everlasting covenant of marriage, including our endowment, so it applies to both male and female.

While we make covenants here in this life, they are almost all prepartory covenants, condintional upon our righteousness. This is done because God knows we make mistakes or people fall away. This allows us to learn and move on (ie leave a spouse) without condemnation coming upon us. Its beautiful. But only if its the Lord's will. God will judge all men according to their desires of their heart and according to their works.

[ctrguy2013]

Good afternoon ctrguy2013. Welcome to the forums. I hope you are doing good today! :)

I understood it to mean that when one is sealed in the temple they make a covenant to God and to their spouse that they will stay with each other through good times and bad times. That means that a person can't just decide, unilaterally, that they have permission to break the covenant without first getting approval with God, who is a necessary, indispensable party to the covenant that has been made.

Perhaps ElectofGod means something else.

Regards,

Finrock

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum, I understand the gravity of the covenants that we take when we are married in the temple.

Maybe I am less faithful or God does not speak to me as much as he does to others. I do not think that you need to ask "permission" to get out of a damaging relationship.

13yrs of abuse? how much more of a sign do you need? Did you covet to be abused? did you covet to set a poor relationship example for your children?

To the OP you have been provided your agency to make the decision for yourself. I advise that you pray and ask for guidance, speak with your spiritual leaders, marriage counselors, friends and associates.