Sister And Boyfriend Sleeping Together Under Mum' Roof

[Aphrodite]

My sister has an unfortunate habit of picking idiots for boyfriends. She is inactive and has just chosen, in my opinion, the bottom of the barrel in the boyfriend stakes. What is even worse is that she has just told us she is moving in with him. That's upsetting enough as obviously you hope she will return to church and this is not a step in that direction. My question is to all you parents with adult or teenage children. My sister was 22 yesterday and has been inactive since she was 16. Her and her boyfriend stayed at my Mum's who is alledgedly an active member although sometimes I wonder, and she let them sleep together in my sisters bedroom. She also lets my brother and his girlfriend sleep together under her roof. My husband and I think this totally wrong, as although they have their agency, she should be setting an example of what she believes in. She lets them drink in the house too although they have to smoke outside, and I think this is only because she has asthma. She wont bless the food in front of them, and basically wont even mention the church for fear of upsetting them. I personally think its pathetic, I know my Dad wouldnt stand for it if it was his home, but he says my Mum is well within her rights to allow this to happen. On the one hand I think if i was my sister, I would probably be annoyed if she refused, and tell her I am an adult and we live together so how can you expect me to live by church rules. But on the other hand I think, it is my Mum's responsibility to maintain her standards as a member of the church. There is a horrible atmosphere round her house now, of swearing, sex, alcohol and disrespect. All because she allows it to happen. What would you parents do, or what have you already done, in this situation?

[CrimsonKairos]

My parents said, "This is our home and while you're in it we'd appreciate it if you respected our standards."

This applied whenever we had girlfriends over (though not to stay the night, yikes!). Good luck to your bro and sis...here's hoping your mom acquires the resolve to wear her standards proudly and loudly.

[shanstress70]

Honestly, I'm wondering about your mom's standards if she allows this to go on. Perhaps she doesn't have the high standards you think she does?

But it's her house and that's her decision to make... really nothing you can do.

[BenRaines]

Ok let me get up on my soapbox. Clears throat.

You ask what we have done as parents. My wife and I have four children. Daughter 29, daughter 27, daughter 25 and son 24.

First rule: You are welcome to have friends over of the opposite sex.

Second rule: You will not have friends of the opposite sex in your bedroom. There is no reason for it.

Third rule: No one of the opposite sex sleeps over at our house. This has been a challenge when my son has had friends who are traveling with him from college to Southern California and they bring their girlfriends or sisters with them. We make other arrangements for the girls or guys to stay at another house on the trip. We do not host a coed dorm for these trips.

If they are adults Aphrodite I have no problem telling them these are my rules and if you don't like them then find other arrangements for living. If I am allowing it to happen in my house with my knowledge then I am accepting of the behavior.

Same with drinking, smoking etc.

Personal story. My parents divorced shortly after I married. My father and mother chose to live with significant others before marrying them. I told them both that they were welcome to come and visit but that they should not plan on staying at my house unless they came alone since I would not allow them to sleep in the same room in my house. My house my rules.

When my mom remarried I was not invited by the groom to the wedding because his feeling was that no one had the right to tell him he had to be married. I did not feel bad about it it was his wedding not mine. It was my house earlier not his.

Ben Raines

[the_jason]

I agree with Ben 100%. If you say you follow certain standards then you have to follow them at all times. You can't lower your standards for fear of offending someone.

My daughter won't be allowed to date until she's 40, but when that day comes I will continue with the same rules. It's best to just avoid the possibility of a bad situation.

[Fiannan]

I agree with Shanstress70 on this one. I think it is disrespectful for someone to not be married and sleeping over if the parents don't believe in that sort of thing. I hope this is not something acceptabel in most of America -- in my wife's country if your teen (over 16) is staying over with his girlfriend, and forgot protection, it would be socially aceptable for him or the girlfriend to go ask the parents if they have any spare birth control they could use for the evening.

[Dr T]

What country is that Fian?

[Guest MrsS]

My daughter won't be allowed to date until she's 40,

You don't ever want to be a GrandPa???

[a-train]

If these "kids" are old enough to make "adult" decisions, than why can't they pay some "rent"? My mom put me out the summer after my graduation, right around my 19th birthday. Kids think they are old enough to be above Mom's rules, but they still want Mom to "wipe their butts and wipe their noses" (from a friend's dad). I say, if they are old enough to sleep together, they are old enough to get a job and stop mooching off the folks.

-a-train

[Fiannan]

What country is that Fian?

The Kingdom of Sweden

[Sugarbay]

Great time of year for major house cleaning. Starting with the trash.

[Fiannan]

Sometimes people try to be too "modern". Thing is, one should not be so open minded that their brains fall out.

However, the culture does determine to a large degree the norms that kids will pick up. That means parents have to be stronger in promoting traditional family norms if they live in infidel nations like the USA and in much of Europe.

[Dr T]

Do you really think that is common or particular to that family Fian?

[the_jason]

If these "kids" are old enough to make "adult" decisions, than why can't they pay some "rent"? My mom put me out the summer after my graduation, right around my 19th birthday. Kids think they are old enough to be above Mom's rules, but they still want Mom to "wipe their butts and wipe their noses" (from a friend's dad). I say, if they are old enough to sleep together, they are old enough to get a job and stop mooching off the folks.

-a-train

Rent or no rent, my rules will stand. Sure, I'll take their money each month, but that doesn't mean they have free reign of MY house.

[Fiannan]

Do you really think that is common or particular to that family Fian?

Not sure I follow you. I will suggest this is not uncommon in the USA and the norm in most of western Europe.

[Dr T]

I was just wondering if it could be generalized to the society in Sweden or if it was based on that one family. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Palerider]

I look at it like this.....The Inmates should never run the Asylum.

[CrimsonKairos]

Palerider, you crack me up! Bwahahahahahaha, Mwahahahahahahaha, Gwahahahahahahah!!!

[Dr T]

That still makes me chuckle CK.

[Aphrodite]

Third rule: No one of the opposite sex sleeps over at our house. This has been a challenge when my son has had friends who are traveling with him from college to Southern California and they bring their girlfriends or sisters with them. We make other arrangements for the girls or guys to stay at another house on the trip. We do not host a coed dorm for these trips.

This is my stance on the situation-my husband and I both stayed round each others houses before we were married. So did one of my other boyfriends-My Mum trusted us and obviously we didnt sleep in the same room. If you date someone who lives a fair distance, they have to stay over! That to me is keeping standards, although my Dad was there then, since he's not there anymore the rules and everythinbg go to pot. My Mum doesn't seem to have rules, and she allows my brother and sister to take advantage of her low standards which frustrates me so much. Once, my brother and his fiance wandered inb with bottles of something or other and sat there drinking it in the front room in front of us. In my family home, where we've had prayers and family home eveniing in the past. Me and my husband felt so uncomfortable and I told my Mum I didnt think it was fair or appropriate. She does what she always does when I

Ok let me get up on my soapbox. Clears throat.

You ask what we have done as parents. My wife and I have four children. Daughter 29, daughter 27, daughter 25 and son 24.

First rule: You are welcome to have friends over of the opposite sex.

Second rule: You will not have friends of the opposite sex in your bedroom. There is no reason for it.

If they are adults Aphrodite I have no problem telling them these are my rules and if you don't like them then find other arrangements for living. If I am allowing it to happen in my house with my knowledge then I am accepting of the behavior.

Same with drinking, smoking etc.

Personal story. My parents divorced shortly after I married. My father and mother chose to live with significant others before marrying them. I told them both that they were welcome to come and visit but that they should not plan on staying at my house unless they came alone since I would not allow them to sleep in the same room in my house. My house my rules.

When my mom remarried I was not invited by the groom to the wedding because his feeling was that no one had the right to tell him he had to be married. I did not feel bad about it it was his wedding not mine. It was my house earlier not his.

Ben Raines

[Aphrodite]

Third rule: No one of the opposite sex sleeps over at our house. This has been a challenge when my son has had friends who are traveling with him from college to Southern California and they bring their girlfriends or sisters with them. We make other arrangements for the girls or guys to stay at another house on the trip. We do not host a coed dorm for these trips.

This is my stance on the situation-my husband and I both stayed round each others houses before we were married. So did one of my other boyfriends-My Mum trusted us and obviously we didnt sleep in the same room. If you date someone who lives a fair distance, they have to stay over! That to me is keeping standards, although my Dad was there then, since he's not there anymore the rules and everything go to pot. My Mum doesn't seem to have rules, and she allows my brother and sister to take advantage of her low standards which frustrates me so much. Once, my brother and his fiance wandered in with bottles of something or other and sat there drinking it in the front room in front of us. In my family home, where we've had prayers and family home eveniing in the past. Me and my husband felt so uncomfortable and I told my Mum I didnt think it was fair or appropriate. She does what she always does when I confront her-looks at the floor and says nothing, making me feel like the baddy and she's the naughty child.

I told my Dad what happened and he said he totally disagreed with the way I handled the situation and that I was categorically wrong to do what I did. That surprised me. He said she can do what she wants. Fair enough, but Im sure she only does it half the time to get a reaction. Why does she do that??!

Anyway, thanks for your advice. Thats what I'd do as a parent too, and an adult with divorced parents. I do blame my sister a lot for her selfishness. She has no integrity whatsoever and has no respect. She's unfortunately very shallow and selfish and it would never cross her mind to think of something as uncool as respecting a parent's standards. If My Mum had refused to let them sleep together, she might have had a tantrum, then slagged off the church and her family to her idiot boyfriend because she couldnt get her own way. Or basically her opinion changes to that of whatever idiot she is currently dating. My brother I let off only slightly, because a) My Mum has never ever disciplined him or taught him, just lets him do whatever he wants and even helps him to do things he shouldnt be doing. (like giving him lifts to town so he can buy and sell drugs when she knows exaclty what he's doing) So, he's used to it, but is also B) very dumb. I love my brother and sister but they have faults like anyone else. My sister should know better tho. So should my Mum come to think of it. She's such a soft touch its embarrasing. If my brother went out and murderded some1 in cold blood she'd probably say, oh he didnt mean it hes a good boy really. Head.in.the.sand. Sometimes I feel like shaking some common sense into her.

Ok let me get up on my soapbox. Clears throat.

You ask what we have done as parents. My wife and I have four children. Daughter 29, daughter 27, daughter 25 and son 24.

First rule: You are welcome to have friends over of the opposite sex.

Second rule: You will not have friends of the opposite sex in your bedroom. There is no reason for it.

If they are adults Aphrodite I have no problem telling them these are my rules and if you don't like them then find other arrangements for living. If I am allowing it to happen in my house with my knowledge then I am accepting of the behavior.

Same with drinking, smoking etc.

Personal story. My parents divorced shortly after I married. My father and mother chose to live with significant others before marrying them. I told them both that they were welcome to come and visit but that they should not plan on staying at my house unless they came alone since I would not allow them to sleep in the same room in my house. My house my rules.

When my mom remarried I was not invited by the groom to the wedding because his feeling was that no one had the right to tell him he had to be married. I did not feel bad about it it was his wedding not mine. It was my house earlier not his.

Ben Raines

[shanstress70]

Gosh, I hate to be so blunt, but perhaps you should distance yourself from the situation. Your family obviously doesn't have the same standards that you do and it's causing you stress. Just focus on your life and don't worry about what they do. They are all adults and have the right to make their own decisions, no matter how bad. Who are you to tell them how to live? You can't change anyone.

[Gwen]

though frustraiting, i've been fairly well at accepting that a person can run their house the way they want. when it was just me or hubby and me it was very easy, smoking was more difficult cause that is in my face, but it's their house, if i don't like it.....leave. all my family have been very respectful the other direction and when they are in my house they do not even pretend to ask to break my standards. we've done well to keep that mutual respect as a family. i can only imagine the frustration that would come without that.

the struggles for me have come with having children. children can be brutally honest at times. in trying to teach them what is right and wrong, but also teach love and respect for family, why i don't say anything in their home if it's wrong. children see it as right and wrong, they don't understand agency and personal residence. my family however, has been great at helping me teach my kids these principles. even in public places or their home they do not smoke around my children, the kids may see them out in the yard smoking, but it's not in their face. never have i left a family members home with me or my children smelling like smoke. we've also had to make some hard decisions on whose homes the kids can visit, and where they can spend the night, and if the can do that with or without us. it's all been very stressful. right now i think we have come to some understandings, and like i said i have a great family, who have been understanding and helpful. i think we are being sucessfull at teaching our children about agency, and loving the person not the action, and how to balance all of that.

the greatest lesson i hope they learn from if is if aunt/uncle......did X and mom still loved them then i can make mistakes (or different choices from them) too....i'll never be disowned, mom and dad will always love me.

as far as divorced parents....mine are divorced, i've learned i can no long express frustration for what one parent does with the other parent. lol always goes bad.

ok, so funny story (i think) about all the above. one of my brothers has a very alternative lifestyle and is one of the ones we do not go to his home with the kids. he is great to always come and visit us when we are at my mom's but with work schedule and all it is very little time compared to the time spent with the rest of the family. which makes me sad. but anyway, when one of my boys was about 3, he would see him off in the corner of the yard smoking durring these visits. my son had a hard time remembering uncle's name. at the time he called cigeretts (lol i can't even spell it) hot buts, because one day i said something about having to wear shoes to the store cause he could step on a hot but in the parking lot. so anyway, when he would ask or say something about my brother he would say, you know the one with the hot but. lol amusingly enough my brother was thrilled to hear that he was the uncle with the hot butt.

[LT04]

I'm not a parent but when my wife and I were dating I never would have considered spending the night. After we announced our intentions of marriage I did spend the night a few times b/c the winter weather was bad (just in the month of JAN 07 we got 112 inches of snow) but even then I slept on the couch with her stinky dog, wile she was upstairs in her room. That suited me just fine. I think thats b/c we are in a crock pot relationship not a microwave one. What I mean by that is crock pots are for the long hall, microwaves are designed for instant gratification.

-LT04

[Fiannan]

This is indeed a complex issue as I think about it. Have I had to room with members of the opposite sex when traveling? Yes. My wife's attitude is that she'd kill me if she discovered anything happened, so I'd better let her know if it would first. Of course nothing has ever happened. I have also let my oldest son room with a female when he was in Moscow a few years ago (but considering she was a hard-core Goth and he is the exact opposite then I did not worry too much). I only now realized that I went camping with a gal I was dating -- in fact, in retrospect another girlfriend was also a camping companion. I guess I would be a hypocrite to take the hard-core "this is evil" stance but at the same time if people do this sort of thing they do open themselves up to moral danger.

I would hope that a coule would have enough respect for their parents (if they are dating and unmarried) that they would ask for two separate rooms -- no matter how old they are. Heck, I'm married but it feels kinds strange to visit my dad's house and get intimate with my wife under his roof. I could not imagine being unmarried and wanting to stay in the same room (in his home) with a girlfriend. And if parents are totally conservative on this issue I would see it as highly disrespectful and even defiant (no matter what the age of the couple).