Women and dating

[audreyII]

So...I am 26 years old. I have never had an official "boyfriend". I was "best friends" with a guy before his mission, and a number of people thought we would get married when he returned (including myself), but came back and wanted nothing to do with me. That is the closest thing I have had to boyfriend. I have never been kissed.

I am a very rational person. I am not someone that lets my "heart" take over my head.

I am in a singles ward right now at a university that has a lot of LDS people. I am finishing up my BA and then going to move to a school closer to home to try to get into the master's program there. Being older than the majority of the guys and looking at the overall selection, I have resigned, expected, and almost "decided" to wait to look for a relationship until I move to where I plan on finishing my education. I am not in love with the "idea" of being in love. I am not worried that I'm not married yet. This is all in Heavenly Father's hands, it is His plan for me, and He may always be the only one who is not worried I'm not married yet. It is His Gospel, His ordinances and His law I am trying to obey. I know that I will have an opportunity sometime in this life or the next, I will not be denied any blessings as long as I live worthy of them, so I am not worried. I got over that a few years ago.

BUT - there is this guy who returned from his mission earlier this year. I know his family, as his family lives locally, and I do like them. I started to get to know him a *little bit* in Sunday School. He would sometimes be the only person to laugh at my jokes, and I have noticed him as being the kind of person I would like to date, but never considered myself to ever have a "chance" with him.

BUT - yesterday, I started seriously falling for him. I have started looking at wedding dresses online, thinking about him, about what our wedding would be like, what temple would work best, etc. I don't know what has gotten into me! Never talking to him individually not in class, I went up and talked to him after church. I don't know what is happening to me! I am at a loss!!! I don't know what has happened to my brain. Last night I prayed for guidance to know if this is something serious or if this is my brain just going wild on me. I woke up and within an hour he was all I could think of.

I am a firm believer in the man being the "man", and as it has been counseled by the brethren in the Ensign, in General Conference and by our Stake President, that he is the one who is supposed to do the "asking" on dates and whatnot. It is his job to court me.

So....what is an appropriate way to "get his attention" without being too forward? What is the role a woman is to play in all of this?

HELP!

[Jenamarie]

I asked my DH to ask me on our first date. There's no law (or doctrine, IMO) against a girl making the first move, and I heard several of my guy friends in YSA say they actually wish more girls would take the initiative. I'd take the advice you heard in church as just that: advice. Culturally, yes, typically guys do the asking, but it's culture, not Doctrine. It's no sin to ask a guy out.

[Dravin]

BUT - yesterday, I started seriously falling for him. I have started looking at wedding dresses online, thinking about him, about what our wedding would be like, what temple would work best, etc. I don't know what has gotten into me!

It's called infatuation.

So....what is an appropriate way to "get his attention" without being too forward?

There really isn't a single right answer as guys have different ideas of what is being too forward. For some saying, "Ask me out." isn't too forward, for another something like, "I've been dying to go to the recent exhibit at the art museum." is over the top. Personally, I think the hinting game is just a way to make it more difficult to have what you desire happen but quite a few people, male and female, insist it be played.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Dravin

[garryw]

I have started looking at wedding dresses online, thinking about him, about what our wedding would be like

Sounds like some relaxation is in order. Planning a wedding before the first date is a little extreme.

[audreyII]

Sounds like some relaxation is in order. Planning a wedding before the first date is a little extreme.

Haha - yeah, I'm not planning a wedding...just looking! lol

(I'm not even pricing anything! lol)

And I'm not one of those girls who looks at that kind of thing. I have friends that have Pinterest boards who are "planning" their wedding before they even have a guy in mind!

I just don't want to one of those "crazy ones" I always laugh about. haha

Infatuation is a good word.

I'm just kind of clueless to the dating scene. It has been nearly three years since I have been on a date, and yeah...

[estradling75]

I've been out of the dating world for a long time to take this advice for what you think it is worth.

Just tell him that you are interested... No games.. no coyness

Either he will reject it and that will put an end to everything or he will be interested and you can go from there.

Edited August 12, 2013 by estradling75

[audreyII]

Yeah, and I'm sure there is a Taylor Swift song about this...

[beefche]

I just married a couple of years ago. I have found that no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes to play the dating games. It's one thing to flirt, but when it comes to having real interest in someone, no one likes the stupid games that people play.

So, while I understand how difficult and embarrassing it can be, I think that being honest with someone is best. I agree to either ask him out yourself (absolutely nothing wrong with that), or tell him you are interested in dating/getting to know him better. It takes courage to do either and is less painful that playing the guessing games.

[audreyII]

I just married a couple of years ago. I have found that no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes to play the dating games. It's one thing to flirt, but when it comes to having real interest in someone, no one likes the stupid games that people play.

So, while I understand how difficult and embarrassing it can be, I think that being honest with someone is best. I agree to either ask him out yourself (absolutely nothing wrong with that), or tell him you are interested in dating/getting to know him better. It takes courage to do either and is less painful that playing the guessing games.

Yes, true story! I'm not in high school anymore, so I need to stop acting like this! I'm a grown woman, and while it is on the Lord's timetable, I do need to get married, and I do need to do my part.

Because he is the person in my Sunday School class who thinks I'm the funniest, I think I might take the approach after church next Sunday of saying "Hey - thanks for laughing at my jokes!" and see how things go from there. See how he responds. I don't want to turn this into a game, but this is a way I would be comfortable approaching him. As a friend of mine says "It's only awkward if you make it awkward". Because you know...if I'm that funny at church, I'm a riot the other 6 days of the week! (maybe that sounds awkward, but I may be able to pull that off. lol)

I need to g-r-o-w u-p!

Btw - I have calmed down significantly! haha

I'm still interested in him, but thinking about how I might be able to at least create opportunities to get to know him better has a calming affect!

I suppose depending on well I knew the guy and the circumstance, if things were progressing, I might be able to pull off a "you know, it would be really great if you asked me to the homecoming dance" or something like that. That puts the ball in his court, but makes my intentions and feelings known without the "games".

[mnn727]

Ask him out. There's nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out

"Hey I heard of a good (movie/restaurant/play/concert) you interested in going out next xxxday?

[Praetorian_Brow]

My advice, stop thinking about your marriage day with him as an accessory to your fantasy. Everyone fantasies, but it quickly shatters when someone resents that the other person doesn't match up to what they were dreaming of in their head.

Your idea of what a man is your idea and not the reality. I always laugh when women speak of the man "asking" or being a "man", when the women resent being defined by a man. Irony and a game.

Ask him out and learn who he is, not unlearn who he is because you have to work back from your fantasy images of who he is. Mutual terms, or mutual interests is what you need, not some fantasy.

[audreyII]

Thanks for all of the advice. :)

[Martain]

I like it! Good luck Audrey!

I too have felt similar, there are lots of very nice women in my singles ward and I've asked a few out on dates and been turned down. It would be very helpful and encouraging if some of them expressed interest.

I don't need the girl to ask me out, I'm more than willing to do that, but a little encouragement would be of immense help because lets face it, men get discouraged too especially after numerous attempts to ask out single sisters in their ward only to be turned down multiple times.

Imagine a girl walking up to a guy and telling him, "I think you're awesome!" or, "I really like ____ about you!" or even, "I think you're really interesting!".

Something as generic as, "That's a really nice tie. You look really good today." could work but not unless it's paired with some other hints.

Combine the above with a little physical contact via a playful soft punch to the shoulder or a gentle side shove where side & shoulder meets side & shoulder and you've definitely got there attention.

After that follow up with a, "Do you think I'm interesting?" (to which I doubt any nice guy is going to say no even if they wanted to) and a "Well then maybe you should do something about that!" if you're bold or he's particularly dense you could even follow up with a "I like ______ cuisine and I'm free on ______"

It's not like you're actually asking him out, but you are getting your message across clearly in a playful non confrontational manner that still leaves the ball within his court to ask you out.

I wouldn't be offended in the slightest if a women did the above to me but would find it very coy and feminine (at least if done the way I picture it).

There are men actually wanting to date and seeking for a spouse for marriage would have a much easier time finding those women who are actually interested in the same if there was some sort of hint from the ladies. Unfortunately we are as a gender statistically dense when it comes to hints and so sometimes... more direct means need to be considered.

My two cents at least =)

[audreyII]

It's not like you're actually asking him out, but you are getting your message across clearly in a playful non confrontational manner that still leaves the ball within his court to ask you out.

I wouldn't be offended in the slightest if a women did the above to me but would find it very coy and feminine (at least if done the way I picture it).

There are men actually wanting to date and seeking for a spouse for marriage would have a much easier time finding those women who are actually interested in the same if there was some sort of hint from the ladies. Unfortunately we are as a gender statistically dense when it comes to hints and so sometimes... more direct means need to be considered.

My two cents at least =)

I like how you think.

And you know what...if it works and he asks me out - great! (and then if it goes on from there...that's cool, too!) If not - well, that's fine, too, because I certainly have plans I'm excited about for after graduation that do not involve a husband. (Which actually getting married - especially to him, would thwart, at least for a time.)

But to think if it DOES work out, and this overly excited phase is a way of something telling me somehow "this is the guy!!!" what a story that would make! If not, then I'll just justify it by saying that every girl/woman is allowed to get a little twitterpated from time to time. lol

[mdfxdb]

You are twitterpated right now. If he is intersted he will ask you out. Flirt with him, ask him out if you want. If he doesn't pay for the first date, even though you asked him out then you will know what kind of person he is.

[Lakumi]

I've planned my wedding, and have no one that I am dating (I also planned my funeral and I am not dying) but I wouldn't take what I do and say in any measure of sanity

[audreyII]

I've planned my wedding, and have no one that I am dating (I also planned my funeral and I am not dying) but I wouldn't take what I do and say in any measure of sanity

The difference between a funeral and a wedding though is that you usually have notice of getting married - you don't always have notice of dying. And of course once you die...you've missed that window of opportunity. :)

[Lakumi]

The difference between a funeral and a wedding though is that you usually have notice of getting married - you don't always have notice of dying. And of course once you die...you've missed that window of opportunity. :)

oh well so I don't miss my funeral I plan to have a pre funeral while I am still alive

the marriage will be less fun then the pre funeral:lol: though the idea's are just as insane

[Praetorian_Brow]

You are twitterpated right now. If he is intersted he will ask you out. Flirt with him, ask him out if you want. If he doesn't pay for the first date, even though you asked him out then you will know what kind of person he is.

What? You want him to still pay even when she asked? Then that determines his character? In the interests of gender equality its usually the person asking who does the paying, or its split as generally both people should have a job. Its not 1670 anymore.

Even she plays the games and transmits the woman signals that she believes is obvious, then I doubt he will pick that up. Woman signals are for women, not men.

Men can admire a woman who has the courage not to play games and speak their mind, with a degree of diplomacy, as sometimes I would prefer not to hear how petty some women are, or how they think about everything. I personally hate when I feel manipulated in some fashion and am turned off by a woman who I feel is manipulating the situation in her favour.

My advice, have a pleasant conversation and then ask him out, which would eliminate you thinking about it all the time and get a result. Or you could sigh about him for the next 5 years and watch him with someone else. I sighed about my first crush and she cried when I made a move, as I failed to notice that she got herself engaged to a missionary at 18. Chances and people are not constant.

[audreyII]

Personally, the farthest I would ever go would be outright expressing to him that I would like to go out sometime. I know that it is 2013, but based on counsel from the brethren, and the instructions of my stake president to the stake as well as to me individually when I talked to him, I wouldn't do the asking. If another woman decides she wants to, that is fine by me and none of my business (unless if she is asking me out...and then we got problems...), but for me I wouldn't do the asking. It is helpful though to be pushed in the direction of "direct". I would be the one guilty of playing games, thinking that my signals are "obvious", but only obvious to me and the other females. Been there done that.

[mdfxdb]

yep, call me old fashioned, but the guy should pay for the first date regardless of who asks...

[Praetorian_Brow]

Even if that is old fashioned in some kind of nostalgic fantasy, its no wonder men don't ask as often as they are expected to these days, as they are expected to adhere to a biased and gender specific route.

Oh, I suppose it has to do with the expectation that the man is the bread winner and the woman is the stay at home mother. Statistically, men are falling rapidly behind women in the scholarly department and with men expected to get a job that can afford to pay for two student debts and everything else, its some kind of indication that the man would do his role by paying for the first date?

No wonder there are less dates and most just prefer to hangout, but I suppose that is the man's fault, because they aren't made like they used to be. I am not surprised at all that I didn't feel like asking any women out at church when they had all theses fantasies about what a man should be. Plus, without fail every single meeting of YSA there is a comment about leadership about eternal marriage and that we should be doing it. Nothing more awkward than talking to a woman with the idea that she is thinking about eternal marriage while talking about just a simple date.

My point is that gender roles are not as they used to be, expectations have changed and in some ways for the better. Nostalgia and fantasies have no place when you need to learn who the person is.

[mdfxdb]

Often times in life we see where our priorities exist.

True, gender roles are changing, and women are becoming more educated and making more money. However, they are women, not men. They think differently, they react differently, they are different down to their very cores.

We can try to pretend that we are equal, but we're not. Granted, we as men might have to forego purchasing the latest "madden 2013" for xbox so we can pay for a date. We do not ask women to make those same sacrifices even if they make good money. Is it fair? Does it matter? Absolutely not.

For the OP I suggest you ask the guy out.

[Lakumi]

Yeah what little money I make I am not going to waste it on a date I won't enjoy with someone I probably don't like

I have no qualms borrowing money from female friends or letting the woman pay for dates if she is better off then I am.

why should I? Because someone tells me I should, I get told a lot of things, but doesn't mean I think they are true or I should listen/believe them

[mdfxdb]

Yeah what little money I make I am not going to waste it on a date I won't enjoy with someone I probably don't like

I have no qualms borrowing money from female friends or letting the woman pay for dates if she is better off then I am.

why should I? Because someone tells me I should, I get told a lot of things, but doesn't mean I think they are true or I should listen/believe them

rotflmfao

You sound like a fun date. Hope you have fun "hanging out"