You Can Consider Yourself A Good Parent When...

[StrawberryFields]

There has been quite a bit of talk here lately about what defines a good parent. We all know that as our children grow they will make mistakes along the road. We know that as our children make mistakes that they will learn important life lessons.

Eventually life lessons can become more life altering in choosing friends or who they marry. How much control do we have as parents in guiding and directing our children in these areas of life? How much responsibility remains our in their choices? How much should we really try to interfere in who our children should be connected to as they get into their late teens and early adult lives?

[smilerlse]

This is a VERY difficult question SF. That's mainly because for everyone the answer will be different and for every child it will be too. I know that with a friend of mine we're always debating about various things because of our different views, many of which have emerged with the different ways we've been brought up. Example: he has basically supported himself from the age of 14 and I'm still depending on my parents for almost everything. I often think he takes on far too much of a "whatever" attitude to things, even things which many would find important in life. For example, he thinks that kids'll learn on their own basically, and that everyone, especially once a teen or young adult, should just make their own choices and if they mess up, well then it's their fault and their parent is not to blame at all... I don't know... I find it disconnecting. I can't begin to imagine my life with out the constant guidance of my parents, but I also think that now that they're starting to let me go little by little, I'm finding it hard to detach... so it's a tricky balance to master I think, an I'm glad, so far, that my parents brought me up the way they did.

[the_jason]

All we can do is teach our children correct principles and guide them in the correct path as we rely on the Spirit to do so. When they are young they will follow. When they are older they will have a choice. We cannot force them to make a certain choice. All we can do is our best while they are young and to be an example when they are older.

[Dr T]

I believe that behaviors are often "Caught, not Taught." We do a combination with out kids. Brainwash, brainwash, brainwash from an early age. We talk to our children about who is appropriate to hang out with (and not), "right behaviors," drug use, etc. and then put them in situations where they are modeled good behavior. I'm not at the teen years yet, so we'll just see if it has been effective when the time comes. We teach/allow our children to make many of their own decisions (developmentally appropriate of course) and we hope that continued throughout their life.

[StrawberryFields]

I appreciate your replies.

If you see this child going towards a path of heartache is it right to step in?

If a child is not heading for a temple marriage with a person they choose is it right to speak your heart then just step to the side?

[the_jason]

Absolutely! You always have an obligation as a parent to instruct your children, no matter how old they are. It should be done in a matter of love and humility without trying to control them.

I hope my mother in law is reading this.

[BenRaines]

SF, this has been very hard for us to do. We taught, set the example and then let them make their own decisions.

Our oldest daughter emailed us to tell us that she has gotten married, said she didn't want to hear the disappointment in our voice. That marriage lasted three years. The next time she married I found out when I called her work and her voicemail had a different last name.

Another married in the temple but after knowing the guy for a short time. Both daughters married returned missionaries. Both returned missionaries were worthless as missionaries I am sure and both were worthless husbands.

Daughters have to make their own mistakes. We can love them, be there for them, but should not pick their spouses for them and if you want to drive them away put down the person that they are in love with.

My two cents and then some. I don't have the time to write all that I have learned over the last 10 years about children and their marriages.

And before anyone says "I am so sorry to hear". Know that "this too shall give me experience and be for my good."

Ben Raines

[StrawberryFields]

SF, this has been very hard for us to do. We taught, set the example and then let them make their own decisions.

Our oldest daughter emailed us to tell us that she has gotten married, said she didn't want to hear the disappointment in our voice. That marriage lasted three years. The next time she married I found out when I called her work and her voicemail had a different last name.

Another married in the temple but after knowing the guy for a short time. Both daughters married returned missionaries. Both returned missionaries were worthless as missionaries I am sure and both were worthless husbands.

Daughters have to make their own mistakes. We can love them, be there for them, but should not pick their spouses for them and if you want to drive them away put down the person that they are in love with.

My two cents and then some. I don't have the time to write all that I have learned over the last 10 years about children and their marriages.

And before anyone says "I am so sorry to hear". Know that "this too shall give me experience and be for my good."

Ben Raines

Thanks for this. :)

[Blessed]

SF,

My children are still young, but the one thing I think about that I hope we can achieve with our children is keeping the lines of communication open. If we can have discussions with our children no matter how difficult or embarrasing then perhaps we can walk with them along the way as they do make those choices. We, as parents, can be the board they bounce off their ideas, thoughts, wishes and questions.

We don't always have to have the answers, but it is nice if we are there to hear the questions.

Just my nickel. ;-)

[Maureen]

How much should we really try to interfere in who our children should be connected to as they get into their late teens and early adult lives?

I think as kids get older (late teens, young adult) that really all you can do is offer advice and maybe an explanation to your advice. But that's about it, the teen/young adult really must make the decision. It is after all their life to live and learn. But I do believe that many older kids really need that sense of assurance from parental advice. They may act like they're not listening but I bet they are; and weighing the pros and cons.

M. :)

[pam]

I always considered myself a good parent when I would hear them say "Mom, you are the meanest mom in the whole world." I felt then I was doing something right by sticking to my guns when they asked or demanded something of me that I didn't feel was right or was comfortable with.

[Dr T]

Parents are not always the most popular in the famly. :)

[StrawberryFields]

I am concerned about the dating choice of one of my children right now....

Their choice says one thing yet does another. The two of them once got in a fight and their choice went to a bar. Their choice has a child from a previous relationship. Their choice is a member but has not been active, made comments that they wanted to become active but that seems to be just words to please me.

My child knows how I feel yet still seriously dates this person. At this point I am just sitting back being as quiet as I can.

[Maureen]

My child knows how I feel yet still seriously dates this person. At this point I am just sitting back being as quiet as I can.

I don't think you have to be quiet. It's only normal to be curious and ask questions. I would ask this child questions about their choice. What they think about their choice, ie personality, character - get an idea about what your child thinks about this person they're dating.

M.

[Aphrodite]

My Dad is in the same situation with my sister. She is not active and has decided to move in with her boyfriend. He is a complete loser who is blatantly using her and who is a waste of space. My entire family has this opinion and my husband can barely stand to be in the same room as him. She is without a doubt making a huge, stupid mistake.

So, my Dad, as a loving parent took her out to lunch to talk with her about it. The gist of the whole conversaion was that, I do not agree with this, I think he is wrong for you, and it is not right. However, I love you, you are my daughter and I want the best for you, but you are an adult and can make your own decisions. but this is how I feel.

Absolutely the right thing to do.

[StrawberryFields]

Well as I sit back I am not complacent... I am praying that the Lord will help him to see what is right. I know I can't possibly see the whole picture and that is why at times like these I do what I feel I can then I give it to Him. :)

[pushka]

My kids are 14 and 18. I'm pleased that, up to now, they have not caused me any real heartache. They are pretty well behaved and I have been complimented from strangers and friends about how well mannered they both are. I am proud of that.

When it comes to friends, I let them choose their own, but I do ask lots of questions about who they choose and why. I talk openly to them about the kinds of behaviours that I think will lead them into trouble, and try to encourage them to draw away slightly at least from those friends who are leading them astray. Again, up to now it seems to have worked. My son is the 14 year old, and is the most problematic where his friends are concerned...he says that he doesn't join in most of the bad stuff his friends get up to, but I take that with a pinch of salt and just keep reminding him that if he does wrong stuff he's likely to get found out eventually and that it will affect him as he leaves school and tries to find work.

I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for the next few years, till both are old enough to leave home and lead completely independent lives, but I have said that I'll always be here for them, even when they do leave home, to support and advise them.

[Annabelli]

Many members believe that marrying someone in the Church and having a Temple Wedding is a guarantee.

(Strike One)

Your child marries someone that you disapprove of but after the wedding, you have a change of heart and become very supportive to insure their marriage works.

(Strike Two)

Your child meets someone that dotes on you, makes you feel uplifted that they are worthy of your child, and you are blinded to "the real me" person and encourage your child to marry them.

(Strike Three)

My son is getting married in a few weeks. His fiance has become a daughter to us already. Her picture will make you smile. She has a close relationship with her family and they like my kid.

(Blessing)

(note: His high school girlfriend was a complete loser, she dumped him more times than I dumped the trash! She was spoiled, hateful, mean, and had "moods." She reeled him like a yoyo! Her family would not speak to us. When he choose his career, she did not like it so he finally broke up with her. If you know anyone who wants to meet her send them to the ER; she is also a hypochondriac!)

[StrawberryFields]

Still struggling with this not sure how hard to push.... My head is also getting a little sore from hitting it against the wall and the screaming inside just doesn't stop.

Annabelli,

Not sure I understand the strike thing. Is this you or me you are talking about?

I think that the strike two is something that must happen IF your child marries someone you think is wrong for them.

[Gabelma]

Still struggling with this not sure how hard to push.... My head is also getting a little sore from hitting it against the wall and the screaming inside just doesn't stop.

Annabelli,

Not sure I understand the strike thing. Is this you or me you are talking about?

I think that the strike two is something that must happen IF your child marries someone you think is wrong for them.

I agree - my Mum doesn't approve of my husband or my brothers ex. As a result she ended up missing the first two years of my daughters life and family times are still horrible. She was right about my brothers ex but maybe my brother would never have got involved with the girl concerned if Mum hadn't been so push

I could be wrong Berry but maybe you could suggest a blessing? then just state your views and all you can do really is pick up the pieces when its over. At least if you don't push away its easier for a child to come back or to repent.

Heavenly Father teaches us principles then expects us to learn to govern our lives - he lets us know how he feels but never removes our agency. He makes it as easy as he can for us to come back to him and pick up the pieces. Maybe read the parables like prodigal son, the servant who buried the coin etc

Charley

[StrawberryFields]

Thanks for your reply Charley,

Funny you should mention the Prodigal Son. The other night when he was late getting home and I was waiting I was thinking of that. When he got home I asked if he was the Prodigal Son and he shook his head and said no.

I also like the idea of a blessing.

Thanks Again. :)

[Gabelma]

Thanks for your reply Charley,

Funny you should mention the Prodigal Son. The other night when he was late getting home and I was waiting I was thinking of that. When he got home I asked if he was the Prodigal Son and he shook his head and said no.

I also like the idea of a blessing.

Thanks Again. :)

maybe someone else can confirm this and not sure if it helps but I am sure one of the prophets/GAs said something along the lines of he would rather his daughter married a good man than a bad Mormon - I am sure its in the Celestial Marriage manual - I'll try and find it

Charley

[miztrniceguy]

should i consider myself lucky that my inlaws like me and that my wife likes her in-laws? we generally all like each other!

[Annabelli]

Still struggling with this not sure how hard to push.... My head is also getting a little sore from hitting it against the wall and the screaming inside just doesn't stop.

Annabelli,

Not sure I understand the strike thing. Is this you or me you are talking about?

I think that the strike two is something that must happen IF your child marries someone you think is wrong for them.

(Strike is a baseball term....3 strikes-your out. Or in this case it was referring to divorce)

I don't believe in changing my faith (and beliefs) every time I want something. If my child marries someone that I have issues about before the wedding, I'm certainly not going to change my mind about those issues after the wedding. But I would be willing to call a truce before the wedding.

What I would not get involved with is a relationship where one of my children are bringing home their gripes about a person that they are dating and then going out with them on a regular bases. Why should I just hold a bag of stupid stuff about that person while they are out having fun and falling in love? If they are not talking to me about how much fun it is being around that person and their dreams of the future, why should they vent only their frustrations? Are they just building a soft landing place in case they get hurt?

I'm not going to judge a person by their family but by the relationship that person has with their family. If their family has problems and that person thinks they are okay, I would find out what they are basing their values on. For example: Six family members are awaiting prison sentencing but they think that they are okay because they live in a house rather than a trailer park.