is it worth it to stay in my marriage?

[Guest greengal]

I have had such a year.

My husband and I have been married for about three years, dated prior to marriage for a year and a half. Temple sealed, no kids. We vowed divorce would never be an option. Yet we separated in february after some problems. My husband was obsessed with tracking whatever I did. Every night he would check my phone records and debit card history and texts. We fought over this. He said it wasn't so much a trust issue as it was his way of keepi g tabs on everything. He did not reveal this behavior during courtship because he thought it only applied to marriage. We went to counseling after so much fighting, but my husband said he wasn't changing. I figured it was up to me to deal with this, and for months I tried. My husband to his credit tried to make up for the pain this caused me, but it got to me so much I became depressed and had thoughts of suicide. In the end we decided to separate for a few months so I could have some independence and so he could work on dealing with his obsession.

Well, he had an affair with an old friend. And we recently learned she is pregnant with his baby -this is confirmed.

I don't know what to do. I think I should stand by my vow to hang onto the marriage no matter what, but the bababy changes things. The marriage has been so hard. My husband and the other woman are working on repentance. He says he still loves me and has been working on hisobsessive controlling, but he doesn't want to leave his baby fatherless. I asked if he could have a happy marriage with his friend and he thinks he could.

We were dating regularly and I thought we were close to moving back in together.

I feel like I doomed the marriage by separating and not dealing better with an insignificant check-in while he worked through his problem. I don't blame myself for the affair.

I think it might be best to end the marriage and have him marry his friend snd give the baby a real family. But then I am not fighting for the marriage I promised to devote myself to. But I feel ready to give up on it.

[Just_A_Guy]

I feel like I doomed the marriage by separating and not dealing better with an insignificant check-in while he worked through his problem.

I say this with brotherly kindness and affection:

Bah.

The past is in the past--quit blaming yourself (or him). Focus on the now, and the future.

What do you want the relationship to be? Can it get there? Are both of you willing to do what it takes to get it there? Can you deal with him having this kid that isn't yours, over at your house every other weekend and one evening per week? Can you deal with him writing several hundred dollars in checks from your household budget, each and every month, for the support, health insurance, and medical care of another woman's child? My experience (doing family law) is that at some point, women tend to get awfully cranky about their husband's continuing to churn out money for the support of (as they can't help but see it) someone else's kid. If you're going to stay married to him you need to recognize, confront, and overcome those sentiments. Not everyone can do that--and it doesn't make you a bad person if you honestly don't think you're up to the job.

[Vort]

I have no advice to give you, but I do have a few questions:

Do you want to be married to him? If not, I would say he has already effectively ended your marriage, so just formalize it.

If so, I would ask, Why? Is it because you don't want to lose? If so, I would urge you to quit worrying about losing and being a failure and such. This is his doing, not yours, so quit taking responsibility for something you are not responsible for. Or is it because you love him? If so, what does that mean?

If you cannot forgive him for his infidelity and his subpar treatment of you, you should definitely leave. There is no hope for a marriage that lacks forgiveness. But I would also urge you not to go on being a martyr. It's not like you gain favor with God for living the martyr's life. You don't. (In my opinion; clearly, I don't speak for God.)

Stay married to your husband because that's what you want to do. And if it is what you want to do, then hold on with both hands while you do the dirty work that will happen especially for the next 20 years and will continue to some degree for the rest of your life.

But if you don't want to stay married to him, get out. That's not advice, just my view of things.

[Guest greengal]

My personal answer is no, I don't want to stay married to him. I still love him and probably always will to some degree, but it has been such a hard marriage. What makes me pause is that despite a good chunk of my family being LDS we come from along line of Catholics. And Catholics just don't divorce. I feel I should stay married foe the commitment, not the relationship.

Thank-you both.

[Vort]

In general, when someone marries a person and then decides s/he "doesn't want to be married any more", my reply (spoken or unspoken) is, "Tough luck. You married him/her, now deal with it." But in the case of a spouse who betrays marital covenants, whether through abuse or infidelity, my opinion is that divorce is a perfectly reasonable option, and sometimes the preferable one.

[Quin]

Even in the Catholic Church Adultery (ESP w/in the first year!) is grounds for annulment. (So do a few other things you mentioned, it sounds as if your husband entered into the marriage on false pretense from day 1).

Catholic roots here, too.

In recent news:

Vatican Halts Catholic Remarriage Debate; Annulment Still Required For Divorced Couples To Receive Communion

Which means that your Catholic Family can consult with His Holiness (or Excellency, Grace, Eminence nearer to home) to their hearts' content.. And feel safe as to the condition of your soul. Your husband committed an adultery and fathered a child out of wedlock. Before you'd even been married a year.

Q

[Backroads]

It looks like they've been married three years...

[Kaelee]

Do you want to be married to a controlling man who cheats?? That's what you have. He said he wouldn't change the controlling behavior. That is alarming. Run.......

[jbeggs]

He has the characteristics of an abusive spouse. He has seriously wronged you with that abuse & his infidelity.

[Backroads]

Just my thoughts:

While I am all for saving marriages, I do not believe in remaining in an unhappy marriage. I do not come from the no-divorce culture and see no reason to be miserable for the sake of staying married. While I know another couple where one spouse has to know everything and keep stock and they seem to be very happy, it's not for everyone. You were so miserable you separated.

We don't know your husband's side. Maybe he legitimately was working on his issues and messed up in a bad way. Maybe he does want to work on your marriage.

If there weren't a baby now involved, I would be more supportive of making the marriage work. But now it is about that baby.

In summary, no, I don't think it's worth it to stay in the marriage if you personally don't want to. I say end the marriage, let your husband work out his relationship with his old friend and their child, and I hope all things get better for you.

[Leah]

Even if you were to take the affair and the baby out of the picture, I cannot see being married to a man who checks my phone and debit card activity daily. Huge red flag. Can you handle a lifetime of such behavior?

It doesn't sound like your husband's heart is in the marriage, nor is he committed to it, especially if he can imagine himself happily married to the other woman.

[Anddenex]

Hello greenfal,

First, I would like to say I am sorry to hear about the current trials you are facing. I have two young daughters who will one day choose a companion and if they found themselves in a similar situation these are the elements I would counsel them (Please note: I am not counseling you, I am just specifying what I would have them deeply consider):

1) Controlling behavior. In my limited experience, I would not be shocked if he committed adultery earlier. These behaviors of reading your text, checking phone records, checking debit cards are sometimes the result of a guilty party already. In other words he was projecting his mistrust towards you. Thus, I would ask my daughter to clarify how long, and if there were any other women, if not known already. Also, how many times did the adultery take place -- once, twice, three or more? That is very important to consider.

2) When in counseling he declared "he wasn't willing to change." In other words he is already showing a lack of repentance. Are you willing to stay with a man whose heart is hard, unrepentant, or in other words already has excuses for his behavior?

3) In a relationship, a relationship requires trust to succeed. Do you trust him? Will you be concerned everyday that he may become a repeat offender? Will you be able to place his misdeed in the past, or will it be a concern everyday?

4) Would you like this man to be the Father of your children? As others have shared, are you fine with the new dynamic now of your relationship helping raise a child that is not yours, or having him pay child support?

5) Will you be happy, or will you choose to be happy with him?

6) If you have already had thoughts of suicide, will this change or deepen if you stay with him?

7) Go to the temple and find comfort from the Lord through this difficult trial.

Then my counsel to my daughters would be, if he committed adultery multiple times -- then seriously consider leaving him. If his controlling behavior persists and he will not change -- then seriously consider leaving him. If you will continue to be despondent with thoughts of suicide -- then seriously consider leaving him. If you will not be happy, be honest with yourself, and cannot trust him -- then seriously consider leaving him. If this is not, now, a man you would want to be the father of your posterity -- then seriously consider leaving him.

However, despite these thoughts the decision will be between you and the Lord -- and your decision alone -- and as a Father I would support them; although, at this time I will be seriously wanting to chain him up and practice some boxing punches (but that is not an option).

May you find peace through such a difficult situation greengal.

[umpirehopes]

follow your heart.....

[Quin]

It looks like they've been married three years...

Gooder thing I's better at grammer then math!

B) 2cool4skool

Whoops. I think I caught the year & a half bit, and subtracted from it for the pregnancy, and landed in the Kingdom of Wrong, on the continent of Poor Reading Retention... The peninsula shaped oddly enough, like a foot in mouth.

Annulments the first year are super "easy" (comparatively... Less than a year = adjustment period, more than a year = 'everyone has problems') ... But the Catholic Church will still grant annulments even decades in. OPs Catholic family may not be happy, but the CC does grant both divorce and annulments by papal (decree, mandate, consent... Forget the right religious term). Which she may want to search out the doctrine on and print up and carry in her purse rather than have ongoing arguments. Granted, as LDS she couldn't take communion ANYWAY, but at least yell worry less about her soul.

Q

[Quin]

Another thought...

There's quite a bit of reading out on the web concerning family dynamics & legal pitfalls to avoid surrounding "children of an affair". Many wont apply (like if there are "children of the marriage" to file for child support FIRST... Because courts rarely if ever reduce the support for one child based off later filings for other children. Meaning if you had three kids, and the mistress had one... But she filed first she'd get X, but you would NOT get 3X. Instead the calculation is made based off of income minus x = y. To use real numbers... X = $1000, Y= $200. Not 600. If $200 is what is left, then each child of the marriage only gets 60 bucks and change a month, while their half sibling gets $1000 a month.).

Even though that stuff doesn't apply (yet, if you stayed together and eventually had children), it's still good to read... As knowing things both like that, and that your income is factored into the child support payments (as you're married), as well as your (and his) income POTENTIAL (meaning if either of you wanted to be a stay at home parent, you would typically have to pay the amount that you would make if you're both still working)... ALONG with blended family dynamics was something I myself needed to really understand before I made the decision to stay/go in a similar event. Because its not the child's fault. And I didn't know if I could keep that resentment off of them if I were to stay and be their step-mother.

Q

[Guest greengal]

So, update, I filed for divorce. I cannot be around him working through his issues through all this. Spending a lot of time at the temple.

[Kaelee]

So sorry this is happening, but this sounds like a wise move.

[MorningStar]

In my experience, people who check up obsessively on their spouse are actually the ones up to no good. Years ago I had a friend who was paranoid all the time that her husband would cheat on her, yet she didn't find it necessary to tell him that she kissed another man. She was a very toxic person and I found it necessary to cut ties with her.

If I were you, I would have been gone before I knew he had the affair. I won't put up with abuse and I deserve to have children with someone who is not abusive. I couldn't bring kids into that kind of situation. Ask Heavenly Father what he expects you to do and go with that answer.

[apexviper]

This is a situation where divorce is an option. He even said he could be happy if he were married to the other woman. That's not some random on-the-spot answer. That takes thought. If he said yes then he's already had thoughts on marriage with the other woman. You need to get out.

[Backroads]

I imagine divorce is a tough time. For what it's worth, I think it's for the best, all things considered.

Best of luck to you in the future.