Need help keeping my marriage together

[jrtrucker]

4 1/2 years ago we had the perfect marriage. We had four kids between the two us and life was great. Until my ooldest child told us that she wanted to move in with us. We told her it would not be an easy battle with her mother(my exwife) and that she had to be the one to tell her mother about it. Two weeks later I received a phone call from CPS stating that they needed to talk with me. After being questioned for 2 hours I left still not knowing what the problem was as they would not tel me. They did reassure me that both my girls were ok and asked if I would not contact them untill the problem was solved. A month later we received a letter from CPS stating that I had touched my oldest daughter sexually. My wife and I fought the allegation stati g that they never spoke with my wife or my step children. They came and talked to my wife and stepchildren and told us it would all be over soon. Next thing we know there is a warant out for my arrest for the charge of child molesting. We hired an attorney and I turned myself in. Bonded out after 3 days then fought for 2 years trying to get to charges drop but it went to trial. My wife and step daughter both testified that nothing ever happened and that we wernt even living in the location this supposedly happened at. There was no physical evidence of anykind and only my (at the time of the trial)13 year old daughters word. Needless to say I was convicted. I was sentenced to 5 years in the DOC. My wife and I remained married throughout this entire ordeal. Upon my release after 2 years of being locked up. We come to find that due to my stepchildren, we cannot live together while im on parole because im not aloud to be around anyone under the age of 18. I know that while I was gone that my wife had tried to move on and had a few different relationships. I dont hold that aginst her. I wasnt here. However, she is talking divorce for financial reasons due to me owning $11000 in back child support for when I was locked up and she doesnt want to lose her tax check if we file married. Also, one of the relationships she had while I was gone is now supposedly a really good friendship. I have told her how I feel about it and she continues it behind my back. How do I handle this situation. I do currently have papers filed with the court still fighting the conviction and she keeps telling me that we will all be a family again once that is done and over but im so confused. I refuse to continue without her, she is the only person in the world to ever make me happy and feel complete. We were the couple who could sit in a truck and go from the east coast to the west coast and back again and not get tired of each other. I have lost my children so she is all that I live for. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

J

[Suzie]

. I refuse to continue without her, she is the only person in the world to ever make me happy and feel complete. We were the couple who could sit in a truck and go from the east coast to the west coast and back again and not get tired of each other. I have lost my children so she is all that I live for. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

J

Refuse? It takes two to tango and the things you guys went through can literally destroy a marriage and a whole family. We are not talking about an emotional affair, heck...we are not even talking about adultery which is a very serious thing... we are talking about being convicted of sexual abuse against a minor, your own stepdaughter. You was really expecting a different reaction from her? I don't have much advise to give sorry other than seek counseling for yourself.

[jrtrucker]

It was not my step daughter. It was my own daughter. The abuse never happened. Tbae allegation was false. We have spent 4 years fighting this trying to get people to see the truth but society already has its mind made up that children dont lie.

[Vort]

I am so sorry for you. I wish I had something useful to share with you, but I don't. God knows your pain, and the promise to us is that all will be made right in the end. I don't know how.

[WRGiant44]

I'm SO sorry for what you are going through. While I have not had to face prison-time for false allegations, I spent years and thousands of dollars on my attorney fighting allegation after allegation from an embittered ex-wife.

My suggestions are not easy, and I wish I could tell you that this will all go away some day soon. But whether it does or not, consider the following:

• Never, EVER stoop to the level of these people. No matter what they have done to you, do not lower yourself to their gutter-ball mentality. Somehow, keeping your actions above-board eventually does bring about rewards that those who sling such mud will never receive, even if it doesn't come nearly fast enough (especially for you);
  
• Someway, somehow, find the spirit of forgiveness for these people. I am not suggesting that you find a way to become buddy-buddy with them again. But part of forgiveness does involve a willingness to leave a problem between the individual who has done this and their God. You do not let it continue to poison your life, and find a way to mentally and spiritually put it behind you. With the help of the Spirit, that is not only possible, it is the only real solace you will ever find;
  
• Especially if you can actually pull off the above two items, be content with whatever may happen to your marriage, knowing that God has a plan for you. If your wife is indeed that special person, and you are living your life with the above two items, she may indeed be brought back. But even if she is not, do everything you can to still take seriously whatever role you can still be given as a husband and father;
  

I have one final suggestion for you. Commit your life to godly endeavors, whatever that may mean. You still have quite a life in front of you, regardless of where that life goes or who may be in it. No matter how the past may ultimately turn out and how history judges it, what you become in the years to come is still totally up to you.

I pray for you, my friend and hope that the Lord brings you the power of His love and spirit into your heart, life and family.

[Guest]

This is very terrible and I hope and pray your daughter realizes the mess she has made of your life and repents of it.

As for your marriage, unfortunately, your wife was not strong enough to stand by you and endure to the end in your life trials. That's okay. It's a very tough road for her too. Your marriage may be out of your control now.

Right now, I feel like your wife is your crutch - your link to sanity. I think it would be better to transfer that to Christ. Let Christ be your link to sanity. He loves you. He will guide you. Cling to His Light inside you. You will come out of this a better person and in a healthy spiritual state. This may be what is needed for your wife to preserve your marriage.

And it would be really helpful for you to see a counsellor.

Hope this helps.

[NeuroTypical]

After being questioned for 2 hours I left still not knowing what the problem was as they would not tel me.

Federal law states that social workers must inform people of the accusations or charges they are investigating. They don't always do that.

A month later we received a letter from CPS stating that I had touched my oldest daughter sexually.

...

There was no physical evidence of anykind and only my (at the time of the trial)13 year old daughters word. Needless to say I was convicted. I was sentenced to 5 years in the DOC.

Well, there is obviously more to the conviction than this brief account. People are not convicted and given 5 years based solely on the word of a 13 yr old girl. What else did they have on you, jrtrucker? Also, in what state did this happen? What was the charge? Were you found guilty, or did you cut a deal?

That information will help me give you appropriate advice.

[garryw]

This stuff is scary. I have a daughter with my ex wife and she (ex wife) has told plenty of lies while under oath. Fortunately none of them have landed me in prison yet, but it seems any disaffected ex can make a false accusation on a whim and do just that.

Marriage is for the brave.

[prisonchaplain]

There is truth in each post here. I appreciated #5 especially. Consider also that you have no obligation to retry your case before strangers, or new people you meet. God and you both know the truth. Turn your false accusers over to God, as well as any public servants who may have failed you (intentionally or not). You may never forget this horrific season, but do your best to draw strength from the Lord, and from the faith you've developed through it. Do not try to prove anything to anyone else. Just live for God, and let him carry you through.

As for your marriage--just be the best you you can be--with God's help. Pray for her, and let God have his way with her.

[Smeagums]

Refuse? It takes two to tango and the things you guys went through can literally destroy a marriage and a whole family. We are not talking about an emotional affair, heck...we are not even talking about adultery which is a very serious thing... we are talking about being convicted of sexual abuse against a minor, your own stepdaughter. You was really expecting a different reaction from her? I don't have much advise to give sorry other than seek counseling for yourself.

Christ was convicted and sentenced to die... and He had no sin. Conviction doesn't equate to guilt.

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. Pray to God for strength and comfort.

Edited December 6, 2013 by Smeagums

[Suzie]

Christ was convicted and sentenced to die... and He had no sin. Conviction doesn't equate to guilt.

.

I agree, I was pointing out that after all the things they went through I believe any average woman would probably react by pulling herself out of the situation.

[skippy740]

However, she is talking divorce for financial reasons due to me owning $11000 in back child support for when I was locked up and she doesnt want to lose her tax check if we file married. Also, one of the relationships she had while I was gone is now supposedly a really good friendship. I have told her how I feel about it and she continues it behind my back.

She is saying these financial reasons to try to avoid making you feel bad. You have a lot of other things going on.

All your wife has to think is this: "Is it possible that you could have done this?" It's a favorite ploy by attorneys, and it works.

Let's just say that, as a parent, I wouldn't be recommending my daughter to continue a relationship with a man who has a court conviction of sexual abuse of a minor. Her "friend" may be telling her the exact same thing. And we all know that even those that "did do it"... didn't, according to them.

I don't have any advice for you. I encourage you to view the situation as she may be viewing it. If you look at it "on paper"... it just doesn't look good.

The relationship may be permanently over. Until the divorce is final, you may have a shot... but you've got an EXTREMELY slim chance on this.