Didn't handle things well today

[classylady]

I'm feeling guilty because I didn't handle things well with my mother today. I just need an anonymous forum to share my frustrations.

Some of you know my situation. My mother is 91, has Alzheimer's, and lives with me on a semi-permanent basis. She, on occasion stays for shorter periods of time with other family members. I also have my 10 year old grandson and his dad living with us. My grandson has Asperger's, and is often difficult to deal with. He is high functioning, and his main problems are with social skills.

Anyway, grandson and great-grandma clash. My mother often acting like a child, and my grandson, being a child, will often fight over things, such as what to watch on TV, where to sit on the couch, etc. Anyway, my mother has told her great-grandson that she dislikes him, and basically think's he's evil. She refused grandson's help to the car the other day, and has made my grandson cry because he knows she doesn't like him. I've explained to him that grandma isn't herself, and we need to be patient, etc. This helps, but his feelings are still hurt.

I've explained to my mother about my grandson's problem with social skills, and that we need to be patient with him. She understands for a short time, and then of course will forget.

I'm usually very patient about all of this. But, today I just snapped. Good thing grandson wasn't home, but when my mother was complaining to me about how she dislikes my grandson, and hates him, I started to cry and said "how do you think this makes me feel?" Here is your great-grandson that you're saying you hate, he knows you hate him, and he's a part of you? How are you going to account to his mother when you meet her again in the next life on how he is doing (my daughter died when grandson was 2 months old)? Are you going to tell her you hated him?" Of course this makes my mother feel bad. She goes to her room and curls up in a ball on her bed. I go to my room and lay on my bed and just cry and cry. And, I can't stop.

I don't know why I couldn't handle it today. Maybe, it's the holidays, and being so stressed. I don't know. I've felt at the verge of tears for several days. A lot of it has to do with missing my daughter. But, I keep thinking it's been 10 years since she died. Why is it still so hard especially around the holidays?

Thanks for letting me express my feelings. I still don't feel like I can come out of my bedroom. I'm not up to dealing with anything right now.

Edited December 27, 2013 by classylady

[Guest]

That's not a bad outburst and I believe she needed to hear it. Your grandson is lucky to have you to stand up for him. She could do lasting damage. Those are words that could burn his ears the rest of his life.

I'm sorry for the heavy load you bear.

[Suzie]

Classylady, I am very sorry to hear you didn't have a good day today. I will PM you. Lots of love.

[NeuroTypical]

I used to be co-caregiver for my mother back in the good old days. Years later, some good advice came my way that would have helped me tremendously if I had encountered it earlier:

Even though you are a caregiver for people who are dependent on you in a lot of ways, you still get to be human.

Take care classylady.

[pam]

Even the strongest person has a breaking point. I think you just reached it today. Don't beat yourself up about it. Taking care of people that have issues that you described can make even the best person snap. Sometimes we need a day to have a pity party.

[dahlia]

It sounds like you said what needed to be said. Sadly, it may not stick with your mother, but I think you said it in a good way, not meanly, and you needed to get it off of your chest. It is unfortunate that your mother's illness will probably mean that you will have to repeat this on occasion. A few tears never hurt anyone.

btw - my parents hated my husband. My stepfather basically came right out and said he was happy he died. But once he was dead, I didn't hear anymore from my stepfather. My mother, however, never friggin' stopped talking about him, what he did, what he didn't do, his problems, etc. Finally YEARS after my husband had died, I finally had to come out and tell her to stop talking about him. She was talking about my husband and her grandson's father. If she didn't stop, I was going to stop talking to her (as I had done this for almost a year after my husband died, she knew I was as good as my word). She finally got the message and stopped. I believe she'd still be b....ing about him now if I hadn't come out and said something. Telepathy just doesn't work on some people. : )

[Roseslipper]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. It is not a easy one for sure. And like the others said you are human and at times you will snap and cry....God understands all things and loves you all!! Enclosed is a hugggg hug for you, use it when ever you need it. and talk to your visiting teachers their there to help..........Also you might want to get yourself a Priesthood BLessing........

[Quin]

Everyone snaps.

Go check o any parenting forum, and you'll get 10 me culpas/ bad mom moments/ just shoot me now posts

Compassion fatigue.

And yet...When you snapped... It sounds like you STILL did a pretty amazing job.

So good on ya.

In all the myriad ways you COULD have snapped, instead you broke down and spoke hard truths from the heart.

If this is you snapping... I'm totally excited for your "in the zone" days, and "completely ROCKED! it" days.

With my grandmother, before she as to go to long term care... I was designated hitter for about 3 years, and then the rest of my family took turns. "DH" was actually a job decided over breakfast (based on people's moods). What that meant, is no matter what rant she went off on (usually on Tommy, though) I (or the DH) went the opposite way.

"That Tommy! He's just not right."

"Tommy is AMAZING."

"He's mean and sneaky."

"He's one of the kindest, funniest people I know!"

"I HATE that sniveling, pinko, blah blah blah."

"Man oh man, do I love that kid."

"He stole my jacket!"

"Tommy would only steal Crown Jewels, or state secrets for MI6, dropping in with zip lines and music and gorgeous girls hanging off him like diamonds as he saves he world" broad wink to Tommy with mission impossible music while slinking with him through the kitchen.

It may sound like arguing, but the smiles are there because I/DH would make the statement as if it existed in a vacuum / totally sparkle.

We thought I was enough, but after Tommy tried to commit suicide at 13, with his note saying that only Auntie Quinn liked him, and he didn't want to be a burden on everyone else and didn't want to make his mum choose between being nice to him or nice to her mum (she didn't handle things as well as you, she tried to keep he peace / was of the mind that kids are resilient &/or he knew it was just gran being gran)... It became clear that my voice wasnt enough. So everyone pitched in after that.

Even so.... We STILL had bad days.

One of the few nice things with dementia... Is each day is new.

Good sleep, and things will be better in the morning. Or lunch. Or tea time.

But, darnit, new days.

Q

Edited December 28, 2013 by Quin

[Guest]

My, Quin. You've lived many lifetimes in your 34 years!

[pam]

I've been thinking there just isn't anything that Quin hasn't done.

[Backroads]

I agree this was probably something that needs to be said--for your sake and your grandson's sake if not your mother's.

But when you are trying so hard to keep everything together and be the best for everyone, it's hard to fail.

Give yourself a big hug, find someone else to give you a big hug, and try to let this go into the past.

[Quin]

I've been thinking there just isn't anything that Quin hasn't done.

I don't answer Qs Im clueless on.

At least... Not regularly.

q