Missionary Crush

[ldsshine]

I very much agree. Take control of yourself. We are not slaves to our passions. Be an adult. Attractive and interesting people will pass through our lives. We can control our thoughts and, certainly, control our actions.

I remember once I went to a video game convention with my brother. There were playboy models there, dressed in sexy clothing, at certain booths. I remember gawking a bit and then telling my brother that I thought it would be funny to get a picture with one of them to send home to my wife (my wife would appreciate my humor in this regard). My brother told me, and it has stuck with me since, "They are daughters of God and you should not be seeing them as anything else!"

This story is not directly applicable, obviously, but the message is. See this young man as who he truly is. He is a son of God. He is a full-time servant of God. We should always see each other in this light first and foremost. This has helped me deal with attractive people I come across. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

Thank you for the advice. I honestly respect your perception. It's beautiful in a way; to see others as people of God first and foremost.

[ldsshine]

but I'm sad right now. Sad also because I'm sad.

The reason why I'm sad is because I thought I was over this "crush". I've really been taking what they've been teaching all in. Before, it was "I didn't have time to read that..." and "I didn't understand this and this", but now, I'm really invested in the book of Mormon..and baptism is in our near future (I've never been baptized so it's exciting to me in a way).

Yet, today, when they came over, I got sad. The energy was different.

For example, I opened the door and greeted them, with my husband a few yards away from me in the house, and when I welcomed them in, he went straight toward my husband; as if intentionally ignoring me..and it hurt me.

They brought a guest..he was SO nice. And I love it when they bring additional people because they are older and seem so much more relateable (married and have kids). Their life experience makes the 2 young men seem really young. And I have so much respect for these men they bring, and how loyal and family-oriented they are. Just RESPECT..no crushes.

So now I feel guilty. This "crush" I had was just that. I wasn't going to "act" on it or anything...I definitely didn't want it to change the positive energy between the missionaries and myself.

It could all be in my head. It may very well be.

But what started off as just an inner-need for maybe hubby-attention, {that was sent off a detour outlet temporarily}, has now turned into a question mark above my head to what could possibly have gone through his head to give me the feeling things aren't the same from when they first started visiting.

BTW, this was all private thoughts, :). I never acted on anything or gave any kind of "look"..so that is what baffles me.

Basically, can't a woman have nerves of steel and not feel guily for needing them, lol?

[missmollymormon]

Maybe the "crush" is really just misguided feelings of the spirit? Maybe you arent used to feeling the spirit from people so you have misinterpreted it as attraction? Just a thought. When I was going through a similar issue with an elder, he told me that he thought It wasnt about him, that I was attracted to the spirit he brought. At the time I thought he was dead wrong, but in hindsight, and with the limited and negative interactions I have had with him since his mission finished, maybe he was right.

He was a beautiful person as an elder, but out in the world he was completely different. Dr jekyll and miater hyde type thing. Im not saying that out of spite, he just really seemed like an entirely different person. Strange, and sad

[ldsshine]

Maybe the "crush" is really just misguided feelings of the spirit? Maybe you arent used to feeling the spirit from people so you have misinterpreted it as attraction? Just a thought. When I was going through a similar issue with an elder, he told me that he thought It wasnt about him, that I was attracted to the spirit he brought. At the time I thought he was dead wrong, but in hindsight, and with the limited and negative interactions I have had with him since his mission finished, maybe he was right.

He was a beautiful person as an elder, but out in the world he was completely different. Dr jekyll and miater hyde type thing. Im not saying that out of spite, he just really seemed like an entirely different person. Strange, and sad

That's interesting...and that might be the case here too.

I just wish the energy with him and I hasn't changed. It's like ..what did I do (not think..but Do)?

He seems a bit less talkative, and even fumbled his words and pointed it out laughingly. I'm thinking he isn't as into being there....and it hurts my feelings.

And then there's the whole disregarding me as I welcome him into my home....not fully, he did say hi, but after walking straight to my husband as I greet them in. What confirmed that observation was after he walked in the door, his older man guest followed next inside and IMMEDIATELY turned to greet me ( which seemed the polite and appropriate thing to do).

I'm mainly going by energy here...it just seems different. How am I suppossed to make this a good experience when I'm feeling this way?

[EarlJibbs]

That's interesting...and that might be the case here too.

I just wish the energy with him and I hasn't changed. It's like ..what did I do (not think..but Do)?

He seems a bit less talkative, and even fumbled his words and pointed it out laughingly. I'm thinking he isn't as into being there....and it hurts my feelings.

And then there's the whole disregarding me as I welcome him into my home....not fully, he did say hi, but after walking straight to my husband as I greet them in. What confirmed that observation was after he walked in the door, his older man guest followed next inside and IMMEDIATELY turned to greet me ( which seemed the polite and appropriate thing to do).

I'm mainly going by energy here...it just seems different. How am I suppossed to make this a good experience when I'm feeling this way?

Maybe he (the inexperienced young man - Elder) finally noticed that you weren't just nice to him and that you potentially had feelings for him and he has changed his manner to make sure that you know it cannot be returned. Although it may seem rude, it may still be appropriate and what is needed. Does one simply turn off the switch from thinking someone is attractive? Maybe he liked it, and had to change as well, drastically so that there was no confusion to his purpose.

I remember when I was serving, we were allowed into a home to teach a family and they had a 19 year old daughter. The parents after listening were not interested, however the daughter said she would like us to come back. She seemed a little flirtatious, but we set up the appointment to return with her whole family. When we returned the family was there, but stepped into the kitchen in the middle of the lesson, in sight. But the girl had this look in her eye that we didn't quite feel comfortable with. We set up the next lesson with them and sent in the sister missionaries. This is not exactly the same as your situation, but a course correction was needed and we made it. The Elder if he or his comp suspected feelings for them, they also would make a course correction?

As far as making it a good experience? Since you have said you have abandoned your crush, but how can you look at him the same? See him as the Lords tool and open yourself up to the teachings rather than the person.

[Leah]

That's interesting...and that might be the case here too.

I just wish the energy with him and I hasn't changed. It's like ..what did I do (not think..but Do)?

He seems a bit less talkative, and even fumbled his words and pointed it out laughingly. I'm thinking he isn't as into being there....and it hurts my feelings.

And then there's the whole disregarding me as I welcome him into my home....not fully, he did say hi, but after walking straight to my husband as I greet them in. What confirmed that observation was after he walked in the door, his older man guest followed next inside and IMMEDIATELY turned to greet me ( which seemed the polite and appropriate thing to do).

I'm mainly going by energy here...it just seems different. How am I suppossed to make this a good experience when I'm feeling this way?

I think you have been - and are - seeing things through the lens of your crush, instead of as they truly are.

He is on his mission. Now is not the time for emotional entanglements with any woman, much less a married investigator (an important detail you left out of your initial post). He may or may not be aware that you have been having inappropriate thoughts/feelings about him. Please stop judging him through the eyes of your crush.

You say you're over this crush, but if that is so, why are you analyzing and judging everything he does? His actions may have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally. There are certain standards a missionary must maintain and he should not be faulted for doing so.

You even admitted to having fantasies of marriage regarding this missionary. If you can't stop obessing about every little detail about him, then you should take the lessons from someone else. It's not fair to the missionary or your husband.

[pam]

I think you have been - and are - seeing things through the lens of your crush, instead of as they truly are.

He is on his mission. Now is not the time for emotional entanglements with any woman, much less a married investigator (an important detail you left out of your initial post). He may or may not be aware that you have been having inappropriate thoughts/feelings about him. Please stop judging him through the eyes of your crush.

You say you're over this crush, but if that is so, why are you analyzing and judging everything he does? His actions may have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally. There are certain standards a missionary must maintain and he should not be faulted for doing so.

You even admitted to having fantasies of marriage regarding this missionary. If you can't stop obessing about every little detail about him, then you should take the lessons from someone else. It's not fair to the missionary or your husband.

Those were exactly my thoughts Leah.

[Vort]

I haven't commented yet. Here are my 20 m$:

You have seen this young man only while he is serving a mission. You have not seen him while off his mission. If you did, you would probably see a wonderful, faithful YOUNG man, one who seeks to do his duty to God and be what he should be, but who otherwise ACTS like a very YOUNG man. He is at a different stage of life from you. His concerns are not your concerns. You are fully an adult, and your cares and perceptions would bury him. He wouldn't know how to deal with them on a 24/7 basis.

In other words, you are not "in love" with a man. You are "in love" with a fantasy. That young man you are smitten with may well be just as virtuous and beautiful as you believe him to be, but he's barely more than a high schooler.

Just something to think about.

[EarlJibbs]

I haven't commented yet. Here are my 20 m$:

You have seen this young man only while he is serving a mission. You have not seen him while off his mission. If you did, you would probably see a wonderful, faithful YOUNG man, one who seeks to do his duty to God and be what he should be, but who otherwise ACTS like a very YOUNG man. He is at a different stage of life from you. His concerns are not your concerns. You are fully an adult, and your cares and perceptions would bury him. He wouldn't know how to deal with them on a 24/7 basis.

In other words, you are not "in love" with a man. You are "in love" with a fantasy. That young man you are smitten with may well be just as virtuous and beautiful as you believe him to be, but he's barely more than a high schooler.

Just something to think about.

I agree Vort, and to apply this to the OP most recent post, the "new" way that he is acting toward you (OP) is that of a Young Man and not of someone that may be intentionally hurting your feelings. Keeping his distance from you is the best thing for both. Even if it doesn't seem the mature way, it is still right.

[ldsshine]

if me wanting to marry this young man, or have ever thought I was "in love" with this young man, has any truth in it, well then I'm darn Marilyn Monroe reincarnated.

I NEVER had any thought in this cute little head of mine to REALISTICALLY run off with this elder to some private land and make babies till the sun came up. I was also never "in love" with him....YET, the mere thought....this thought....of being his age (i.e. my life 10 years ago) and curling up on my couch {my 10-years-ago couch :) } watching movies and eventually marrying him did.

Like a teen wanting justin bieber and getting really achy when finding out he's arrested yet jealous of the other jail inmates because At Least THEY get to see the bieber. They KNOW they will never have him...but can't stop thinking of him.

Well, mine died down a bit...MY problem was that, unless the holy-spirit gives him psychic abilities, there was NO WAY he must have known these secret thoughts of mine.

NO WAY. Yet, the energy was different. Soooo....either I'm not as sneaky as I think (maybe I accidentally winked at him or something and don't realize it)...OR well..I don't know.

Then not too long ago I realized something. I'm Addicted to this. Addicted to crushes. College was the worst. Seriously. I LOVED having crushes. Loved it. Gave me this dopamine-giddy feeling. BUT, as soon as that crush liked me back...I was out of there. My Crush-feeling literally disappeared INSTANTLY. Maybe I have BPD or something.

So realizing this about myself (my crush addiction)...there's only one thing that can solve this missionary problem:

This elder must let me know he's into me too, . Only then will this crush of mine go away. It's a proven fact...happens every time.

All I know is he's coming tomorrow again.

[pam]

if me wanting to marry this young man, or have ever thought I was "in love" with this young man, has any truth in it, well then I'm darn Marilyn Monroe reincarnated.

I NEVER had any thought in this cute little head of mine to REALISTICALLY run off with this elder to some private land and make babies till the sun came up. I was also never "in love" with him....YET, the mere thought....this thought....of being his age (i.e. my life 10 years ago) and curling up on my couch {my 10-years-ago couch :) } watching movies and eventually marrying him did.

Like a teen wanting justin bieber and getting really achy when finding out he's arrested yet jealous of the other jail inmates because At Least THEY get to see the bieber. They KNOW they will never have him...but can't stop thinking of him.

Well, mine died down a bit...MY problem was that, unless the holy-spirit gives him psychic abilities, there was NO WAY he must have known these secret thoughts of mine.

NO WAY. Yet, the energy was different. Soooo....either I'm not as sneaky as I think (maybe I accidentally winked at him or something and don't realize it)...OR well..I don't know.

Then not too long ago I realized something. I'm Addicted to this. Addicted to crushes. College was the worst. Seriously. I LOVED having crushes. Loved it. Gave me this dopamine-giddy feeling. BUT, as soon as that crush liked me back...I was out of there. My Crush-feeling literally disappeared INSTANTLY. Maybe I have BPD or something.

So realizing this about myself (my crush addiction)...there's only one thing that can solve this missionary problem:

This elder must let me know he's into me too, . Only then will this crush of mine go away. It's a proven fact...happens every time.

All I know is he's coming tomorrow again.

I haven't expressed my thoughts much on this thread basically because I don't know if we are just getting taken for a ride or not.

But honey, there is something wrong with that "cute" little head of yours.

To have this compared to a teenage crush with Bieber is ridiculous. You aren't a teenager. You are a woman in your 30's who is married.

It now appears that you announced the challenge to get this young Elder to admit to some kind of attraction to you so that your "crush" will go away. Oh.my.word.

[Leah]

if me wanting to marry this young man, or have ever thought I was "in love" with this young man, has any truth in it, well then I'm darn Marilyn Monroe reincarnated.

I NEVER had any thought in this cute little head of mine to REALISTICALLY run off with this elder to some private land and make babies till the sun came up. I was also never "in love" with him....YET, the mere thought....this thought....of being his age (i.e. my life 10 years ago) and curling up on my couch {my 10-years-ago couch :) } watching movies and eventually marrying him did.

Like a teen wanting justin bieber and getting really achy when finding out he's arrested yet jealous of the other jail inmates because At Least THEY get to see the bieber. They KNOW they will never have him...but can't stop thinking of him.

Well, mine died down a bit...MY problem was that, unless the holy-spirit gives him psychic abilities, there was NO WAY he must have known these secret thoughts of mine.

NO WAY. Yet, the energy was different. Soooo....either I'm not as sneaky as I think (maybe I accidentally winked at him or something and don't realize it)...OR well..I don't know.

Then not too long ago I realized something. I'm Addicted to this. Addicted to crushes. College was the worst. Seriously. I LOVED having crushes. Loved it. Gave me this dopamine-giddy feeling. BUT, as soon as that crush liked me back...I was out of there. My Crush-feeling literally disappeared INSTANTLY. Maybe I have BPD or something.

So realizing this about myself (my crush addiction)...there's only one thing that can solve this missionary problem:

This elder must let me know he's into me too, . Only then will this crush of mine go away. It's a proven fact...happens every time.

All I know is he's coming tomorrow again.

The thing is, you are not a teen, you are a grown, married woman. Who is supposedly considering joining a church in which serious covenants are made between you and Heavenly Father.

You should quit acting and thinking like a teen. It's time for some maturity before you hurt yourself and others.

And, please, no 'jokes' about BPD. That's offensive to those who struggle with it, and your comment shows you don't even understand what it is.

It's also long past time for you to request different missionaries. SISTER missionaries.

I am feeling a great deal of sympathy for your husband right now.

[ldsshine]

I haven't expressed my thoughts much on this thread basically because I don't know if we are just getting taken for a ride or not.

But honey, there is something wrong with that "cute" little head of yours.

To have this compared to a teenage crush with Bieber is ridiculous. You aren't a teenager. You are a woman in your 30's who is married.

It now appears that you announced the challenge to get this young Elder to admit to some kind of attraction to you so that your "crush" will go away. Oh.my.word.

no. Most definitely not. This "challenge" is in your perception of what I wrote. I don't blame you for thinking that, but I'm sorry you're mistaken. No "challenge". I reread what I wrote...I forgot to delete that last sentence when I reread what I typed/edited. eh..

So, again, NO challenge here.

[ldsshine]

The thing is, you are not a teen, you are a grown, married woman. Who is supposedly considering joining a church in which serious covenants are made between you and Heavenly Father.

You should quit acting and thinking like a teen. It's time for some maturity before you hurt yourself and others.

And, please, no 'jokes' about BPD. That's offensive to those who struggle with it, and your comment shows you don't even understand what it is.

It's also long past time for you to request different missionaries. SISTER missionaries.

I am feeling a great deal of sympathy for your husband right now.

I'm sorry you mistook my sentence with "BPD" as a 'joke'. It wasn't. I didn't further the assumption (concerning my addiction) because this is an lds site, therefore BPD is not in the scope of subjects. That's it.

[Suzie]

I hope not to offend the OP, but reading several of those messages specially the last one indicates to me that there are issues that need to be resolved through a good therapist that can help guide and offer insight as to why the OP doesn't seem to be fully aware of what is happening even though she seems to think she knows.

There are more than clear indications of emotional immaturity that need addressing.

[ldsshine]

I hope not to offend the OP, but reading several of those messages specially the last one indicates to me that there are issues that need to be resolved through a good therapist that can help guide and offer insight as to why the OP doesn't seem to be fully aware of what is happening even though she seems to think she knows.

There are more than clear indications of emotional immaturity that need addressing.

Nope. Not offended at all.

But thinking every married woman/man can never have a liking/"crush"/attraction to another person, with no intent of acting on it, certainly is in need of a "good therapist"; that may offend some.

[Guest]

Every married woman will find herself in a situation where she's attracted to someone. Entertaining "what-if's" and writing stories in our head is what pushes the attraction into a crush. That's what's immature, and that's where you're playing with fire.

[ldsshine]

Every married woman will find herself in a situation where she's attracted to someone. Entertaining "what-if's" and writing stories in our head is what pushes the attraction into a crush. That's what's immature, and that's where you're playing with fire.

I understand what you mean. But disagree. I don't think it's immature at all. A person can have all intents of acting on a "crush"/attraction (not mutually exclusive) without a single "entertaining what-if"....if that's what the person really wants.

I am not that person.

I just asked for advice on possibilities of eliminating thoughts...with complete knowledge of zero follow-through. That's it. The question of "what if I can't control myself" never existed.

I guess one person's "playing with fire" is not even a mere test of will to another.

[Guest]

I understand what you mean. But disagree. I don't think it's immature at all. A person can have all intents of acting on a "crush"/attraction (not mutually exclusive) without a single "entertaining what-if"....if that's what the person really wants.

I am not that person.

I just asked for advice on possibilities of eliminating thoughts...with complete knowledge of zero follow-through. That's it. The question of "what if I can't control myself" never existed.

I guess one person's "playing with fire" is not even a mere test of will to another.

Translation: "I'm not immature! You're immature!"

[ldsshine]

Translation: "I'm not immature! You're immature!"

I don't think you're immature at all. I never said that.

[pam]

This thread is now closed.