Man, people are nervy.

[Guest]

There's a little girl in my daughter's grade that used to be pretty mean to her. She's toned down the last year or so. A few months ago, she showed up on our doorstep, because she apparently lives in our neighborhood, and when she figured out where we lived she wanted to come play.

Then she came every day. This is a problem, because she is loud and requires supervision (she gets into things and I have to monitor what she says and teach her what kinds of words are appropriate in our house, etc.), and I teach piano in the afternoons. She would come and stay for hours and hours, being loud and asking for food and generally raising the level of chaos in my house while I was trying to work.

I told her she needed to leave at 5:30 so we could do homework and dinner. She would come after school and stay until 5:30. Even that was too much, because again, piano. So I gave her the 2 days that I have the lightest schedule, and told her those were the days she could come play. So of course, on those 2 days, she comes right after school and stays until I tell her it's 5:30 and time to go.

Mostly I've learned to tolerate it, knowing she's basically an only child, and bored and lonely, and my daughter likes to play with her.

But today, she told me her mom was getting really mad that we make her walk home and that I was supposed to start driving her. She's 8 or 9 years old and lives one street over.

I'm tempted to print up an invoice for daycare and transportation. I've never even had a conversation with her parents. They just dump her here, and then, apparently, expect me to supervise and feed her and then drive her home.

People are so weird.

[Bini]

No, not weird. Inconsiderate or oblivious - both no good.

[bytebear]

Ad clearly this child needs parenting beyond her parents.

[prisonchaplain]

I'd just stick with what you are doing. If the parents really are upset, then your problem will soon be solved. The girl will quit coming over. If they really do expect you to drop them off, and say so to your face, you can smile and say, "It sounds like we won't be seeing your daughter any more. It's been a pleasure though."

[Quin]

Blink. Blink.

Wait a sec.....

YOU guys make her walk home???

Meaning her parents are bloo....ming just dropping her off and driving away??? Or just sending her to your house after school? Not a word to the wise to you, much less asking, much less doing anything in return?

Yah. I'd be toying around with daycare invoices as well!

(And in my area after school care for elementary 3 hours a day is $250 a week at the YMCA. Nannies and babysitters are much much more.

When my oldest was an only, I had to actually throw something of a controlled temper tantrum. All my friends worked, and seemed to take SAHM = free babysitter. There was some give and take (in the beginning, at least), so I'd let them get away with it longer than I should have. Then they started referring their friends, and their friends, and I finally lost it (way too late). Had a similar problem when I was working nights (since you aren't doing anything.... Nope! I'm sleeping. Unless you want me to come to your house at 3am "for just a few hours, since you aren't doing anything" 5 nights a week, with my wide awake kids who need to be entertained and fed, oh... And would you drop them off at 730 across town? I know you have to be at work at 8, anyway, so it shouldn't be any bother. Yeesh. You're so selfish.). LOL. Amazing how parenthood rearranges friendships!

Anyhow...

I have NO problem (love, in fact) being the house all the kids pour into. Whether they're wee ones or teens. But I take major issue with being used as childcare. There is a ginormous difference. Yuge. Fundamental.

'Cause you're right. The nerve of some people is unbelievable.

Q

[SoaringEagle]

Some people will take advantage of a good thing. The parents will continue taking advantage until you put your foot down. Right now, you are showing that your home is free, cheap babysitting services. This will continue until you decide to take a stand and put your foot down.

[Backroads]

I guess I come from the generation that believes, in a quiet-ish neighborhood, an 8 or 9 year-old is perfectly capable of walking a street over.

I say that until the parents themselves confirm their daughter's statements, let her walk. It's healthy and teaches a vital skill. And if/when the parents DO call to complain about her need to be driven, explain that you have a business and household to run.

I seem to recall a piano student of my mother's who lived around the block, not even a street to cross. She was supposed to be driven home, which didn't work as my mother had a lesson right after hers (and she was 12 and lived around the block). Her mother grumbled a bit about having to come get her herself until she figured out her jr. high kid could walk.

[Guest]

I don't let kids stay in my house unless I've talked and got to know their parents first. It's a huge responsibility with a great risk factor to have other people's kids in your home. Once they're on your property, anything that happens to that kid is going to be on you.

My house is the go-to house for all my kids' friends. I have a neighbor that practically lives in my house every weekend. He comes over, opens my pantry and my fridge and joins us for meals and sleeps in too. I don't mind it. My house, my rules. They live by it. But he's a good kid and I can even ask him to run the vacuum cleaner and he does a good job at it. But his parents always calls around meal times and offers to bring food and stuff or asks me if I would like to send my kids over to eat at their house. It's just common courtesy. And when the kids go riding out in their bikes or what-not, we call each other to let the other know the kids are out. Or if either one of us goes out of the house we tell each other so we know the kids are unsupervised if they go to that house (these are 10-12 year old kids - we can leave them at home by themselves).

So yeah, in this situation, I'd be walking over to the neighbor's house and having a talk with the parents to see what's up and set expectations.

Edited February 13, 2014 by anatess

[applepansy]

Eowyn, it is way past time for a conversation with her mother. Don't expect the message to get sent through the child. Its not fair to this lonely little girl. She's not getting parented at home so I admire you for parenting her at your home. Because you set boundaries is why she wants to be there.

However, parenting her is not your responsibility. So.... talk to her mother and set some boundaries with Mom.

[Just_A_Guy]

Depending on the mendacity of this little girl and the cluelessness of the parents, there is a possibility that the parents think she's going over to your house because you have invited her.

Probably doesn't change anything, but . . . FWIW.

[Wingnut]

So yeah, in this situation, I'd be walking over to the neighbor's house and having a talk with the parents to see what's up and set expectations.

I agree that it's time for a talk, but the girl's parents need to initiate that, since it's their daughter invading Eowyn's home. If Eowyn initiates, the extent of the conversation could easily be, "I'm sorry -- your daughter isn't welcome in my home. She has invited herself, is a disruption and has a history of unkindness toward my daughter."

[Guest]

I agree that it's time for a talk, but the girl's parents need to initiate that, since it's their daughter invading Eowyn's home. If Eowyn initiates, the extent of the conversation could easily be, "I'm sorry -- your daughter isn't welcome in my home. She has invited herself, is a disruption and has a history of unkindness toward my daughter."

If you wait for something to happen, you're under the mercy of someone else, and chances are, it's not gonna happen. There's no need to wait for her parents to initiate contact.

If Eowyn initiates, the conversation would go like, "Hi, I'm Eowyn. Your daughter has been coming to my house every afternoon. I'm generally okay with this but only during these days/times. And we have very strict rules in our house - like proper language and tone of voice and general behavior. I've talked to your daughter about these rules but I need you to remind her before you send her to my home. I also need your phone number so that I can let you know when your kid arrives at my house and when she leaves. It would be great if you can come over for dinner so we can get to know each other better." But, that's what I would do because that's the way I am - other people have a different way of handling things.

By the way, my children are not exempt from the rules just because their friends come over. It is also their responsibility to make sure their friends are behaving. I have had it happen many many times - their room is a wreck and I do my sermon on keeping their room clean and they come back with, "But NeighborKid made that mess and broke my toy and...." And my response is always - "if you can't get NeighborKid to clean up after himself or have him stop from breaking your toy, then don't let NeighborKid in the house!" So yeah, if they want their friends back in the house, they either make sure their friends clean up or they get to clean up after their friends.

[Bini]

I like what Anatess said about needing to have a face-to-face with the child's parents before allowing that child over in your home. Imagine if the child consumed something, unknowingly even, that she's deathly allergic to? This is something, you, as a host should be aware of.

[Backroads]

I don't fear "bad things happening" (though it's still a possibility) as much as I think making contact with the parents (or vise versa) would be the polite and neighborly thing to do. If your daughters are going to have a relationship, you parents ought to as well, even if it's as simple as here-are-our-playdate-policies.