Urgent advice needed! Dying an relationships

[Irishcolleen]

My uncle will be passing away very soon- 1 to 2 weeks. He has brain cancer.  My mom went to see him a couple weeks ago.  She has asked me to take her to see him again in a few days.  He lives several states away. 

 

The problem is, his wife is feeling very stressed out, but also seems very afraid that people will interfere with his care. Mom is afraid that if she tells my aunt we are coming down that she will say no and tell us to stay home. I think she needs to tell her we are coming. I don't want to cause my aunt stress, but I also understand my mom's need to see him one more time.  Should I tell my aunt we are coming or insist my mom does? Or should I just do as my mom asks and take her without my aunt knowing till we get there?

[Guest]

I'm assuming the uncle is your mother's brother and not that your aunt is your mother's sister (that makes a difference).

 

Your mother will need to be there for her brother as well as herself.  We can't take that away from her.  So, your aunt should expect that she would want to be there.

 

What I would do is have you or your mom (it doesn't really matter - whoever has the better relationship with the aunt would be best) call your aunt and tell her your mom wants to visit her brother on a specific day.  It's a courtesy to your aunt to have her prepared for this.

 

Now, before she goes there, remind your mom not to interfere with the care of your uncle and even one step beyond this is to assure your aunt that your mom will support her in whatever decision they make for his care, and even after, if she has voiced her concern to you.  If you just think she's stressed over it and she hasn't really told you that she's stressed

over this, then don't broach the subject because... you might be wrong (because the natural expectation is that a sister would want to be with her brother in his last days and she probably welcomes this).

 

Just my 2 cents.

[NeuroTypical]

The problem is, his wife is feeling very stressed out, but also seems very afraid that people will interfere with his care.

Are her fears reasonable?  Has your mom or any other family member argued with her or otherwise tried to interfere with his care?

[Irishcolleen]

One family member, a bossy aunt-not my mom, did interfere.  From conversations I know my uncles wife is stressed.  The hospice care center he is in has provided less than high quality care. At times my aunt (my uncle's wife) seems angry, panicked and overwhelmed.  She can get snippy.  I know this is just how she is grieving.  When I look at the situation, I know I could react the same way in the same situation.

 

My gut instinct, which I believe comes from the Spirit, tells me my aunt needs to know we are coming.  There should be no drama during this situation.  Just peace, cooperation and love.  How do I get my mom to see we need to tell my aunt?

[pam]

I would say take the attitude of the aunt for what it's worth.  You mentioned she is feeling very stressed and overwhelmed.  I would call her and let her know that you are coming.  Let her know that you understand the stress she has been under and will do whatever you can to help relieve any of that within her wishes.

[Irishcolleen]

Please pray for a quiet, peaceful passing for my uncle.

[classylady]

Your uncle and his family will be in my prayers.

[Quin]

I'm so sorry a difficult situation is being made harder for all of you.

Having been the person in hospital...

I wouldn't want a call, but some would.

There's no "right" answer, ya know?

Why I didn't:

Some family members (undoubtedly well intentioned) didn't seem to realize that I was already stretched beyond capacity and if asked to make any kind of decision whatsoever,.. My answer was no. Not that I didn't necessarily want them there... But I was not going to be capable of

- Making that decision for them (a lot of people actually want to be absolved of guilt for not coming, or asked to come, or, or, or. As opposed to the ones, like you who are just trying to be polite & considerate).

- Arranging travel for them (no lie. Everything from payment, to arrangements, to putting them up in my own home, to feeding them. I. Am. Not. Capable. of taking care of a solely anyone else at this time).

- Entertaining them ((INCLUDING discussing any/all aspects of my son' s care with them. Whether or not they think they have a say in it, I've already discussed it 6am /4pm /9pm at rounds. With every specialist dropping by. With 4 shift change nurses. And with my friends who are living the hospital with me... Who understand stopping mid sentence to snag a nurse to talk about the J-Line, because THATS the nurse who totally rocks and makes stuff happen, or needing to duck out to look at him, or duck out to not be looking at him, or to be laughing myself silly talking about something that ISNT my dying child.))

- Fighting with them. People MEAN WELL, most of the time. But the better they mean, the more they want to fix it or help. If you haven't been living here with me, I don't want to hear "Have you tried..." Or "Have you thought of..." Or "You need to ask so & so" Or "Why aren't they doing XYZ.?" ESPECIALLY if we're already in palliative care.

- Referreeing between them & the doctors, nurses, staff that I have to live with, and that they will never see again in an hour. You don't know which of these docs has put their neck out, which nurse is an evil witch, which phlebotomist is in high demand. But visiting friends family almost always accost both them & me... Demanding instant information & understanding.

- Choosing & Decisions. With palliative care, those don't stop. There are still medical decisions happening daily (at rounds! And every single time something changes dramatically), including pain management, feeding, bathing, photography, the guy who has the in on headstone grants (Yeah. The things you get excited about, the guy who can get $6000 taken off your bill so you can afford a headstone)

Just. Can't. Do. It.

ESPECIALLY... As most visitors are coming for themselves.

To say goodbye.

For closure.

For one last bit of bonding.

They're NEEDY.

Which is NOT wrong.

And I'm NOT trying to dissuade you or your mum from saying goodbye to your uncle & brother.

It's just one more thing that the parent/spouse/next of kin is asked to deal with...

That they usually can't.

Or manage brilliantly on Tuesday, and end up screaming at everyone to just. go. away. on Wednesday.

So when people were kind enough to ask IF they could/should come?

Or my blessing?

I told them "Thankyou so very much, but no."

No.

Nope.

Nada.

Nein.

Nyet.

Because "no" requires no more thinking.

Ah.

An easy answer.

Yaaaaaay.

HOWEVER:

When people made their own decisions, arrangements, and then were AWESOME enough to inform me that they were in town and to ask when the best times to AVOID coming by? Whew! Easy. 6am, 4pm, 9pm I know I'm tied up. Otherwise it's hit or miss. There's still a lot of care & other issues going on, so you may end up,cooling your heels for a few hours. Bring a book. Or there's a good coffee shop. I'm in and out. Here's my hospital pager number. If I don't answer right away I'm in a meeting (or bathing, crying uncontrollably, negotiating 6k off of a headstone, eating pizza with friends, or in any other way unable to interact like a normal human being), head out for lunch or something, it will probably be a couple hours.

Q

[pam]

I wouldn't want a call, but some would.

There's no "right" answer, ya know

Actually there would be a right answer. But it really is based on the person you would be calling.

 

If you know that person would want a phone call as a heads up, then by all means call.  Just depends on the person.

[Sunday21]

I have been very ill. I have had people calling me and expecting me to be able to perform normally when I just could not. If the woman does not want you to visit I suspect she is overwhelmed, exhausted, broken down. Your mother will see her brother in the next life. Who is this visit in aid of? Your mother? Her needs are not paramount. Think of the poor exhausted caregiver.

[Irishcolleen]

Mom told my aunt we were coming.  She seemed grateful.  I think when people asked just just couldn't handle another decision. My mom knows that this visit will be different.  Her brother is only awake a few minutes everyday and the doctors don't think he can see anymore.  I had a long talk with my pastor, who is amazing handling death, and he gave me clues to look for and guidelines for respecting boundaries while looking for opportunities to serve in practical ways. I feel much calmer now.  But I still appreciate the prayer because my role will be to provide emotional/physical support to both mom and my aunt as they grieve.

 

We will be staying in a hotel and eating out so my aunt feels no pressure to "entertain". We have plenty of books and crafts to keep us busy during down times.

[pam]

Have a very safe trip.  I wish your family much comfort during this time.

[NeuroTypical]

Everyone (with a tolerance for some bad language) should go watch Secondhand Lions.  Inheritances and family infighting isn't the central point of the movie, but it's still one of the best movies on the subject I've ever seen.  Hard to laugh and cry at the same time, but this movie pulls it off.

[Guest]

I have been very ill. I have had people calling me and expecting me to be able to perform normally when I just could not. If the woman does not want you to visit I suspect she is overwhelmed, exhausted, broken down. Your mother will see her brother in the next life. Who is this visit in aid of? Your mother? Her needs are not paramount. Think of the poor exhausted caregiver.

 

I disagree with that one.  A sister's grief can run very deep especially if not given a chance for closure.  My mother was in the USA when her brother died in a motorcycle accident in the Philippines.  She was in the middle of getting her American citizenship processed and so we had to wait for her to get clearance for travel.  My mother is still grieving today... this accident happened almost 5 years ago.  She beats herself up thinking she shouldn't have cared about what the American govt had to say, she should've just hopped on the plane and flew.  Her brother has always been there for her - even when only 3 years old and they had to run from the Japanese invaders in WWII.  And she couldn't be there for her brother... it didn't matter how many times we tell her he's happy in heaven now and wouldn't have wanted her to jeopardize her relationship with the US...