Sisters challenge each other :(

[Bini]

We spent July 4 weekend with my side of the family. Overall, it was a nice get together, we laughed and enjoyed everyone's company. Well, on the last night, the table discussion took a wild turn. I'm not pointing fingers, I was half of the problem and my sister (who I'm closest with) was the other half of the problem. We sat across each other and the challenge was on. The entire dining room was silent as we verbally hashed out our feelings on parenting. She throws out her degree and how her experience in the system makes her an expert on raising kids. In turn, I throw out that not having kids herself, she has no idea what she's talking about. (Even prior to having my kids, I worked with kids, and I'd never claim to be an expert on parenting! Let's face it, even AS a parent, there's a lot of UGH Now What moments.) My mum shoots me this look and so do other family members, her husband remained quiet. After she picked up her plates and left, I'm reminded that she's struggling with infertility, which I know about and wasn't trying to target on but I did. Even my sincerest apology came out hollow to her.

So we haven't spoken since that weekend. What's the next step? Just be patient and allow space for things to heal?

[Average Joe]

time heals all wounds

[Jane_Doe]

So we haven't spoken since that weekend. What's the next step? Just be patient and allow space for things to heal?

 

Exactly.  It'll take time before she's ready to accept your apology.

[NightSG]

In turn, I throw out that not having kids herself, she has no idea what she's talking about. 

 

Next time, ask her if a male OB/GYN knows more than any woman about how PMS feels because of his degree.

[Daybreak79]

May be a little card with a brief apology written in it and mailed to her house would be more warmly received than just hearing words of apology after a fight.

[Guest]

As the sister who's been on the other side of an almost identical remark, all I can tell you is that you probably hurt her pretty bad. My sister, however, never apologized. That would have gone a long way. Just be kind and give it time. Maybe take her some flowers or something.

[char713]

Same here, as Eowyn said. I would suggest mentioning as part of any apology you make, that you were not meaning to target this specific issue and that you are mindful now of how the things you said earlier on would have sounded to her. Personally, I feel a lot more understood and loved when someone else can articulate that they are not only sorry for causing hurt generally, but that they know why it hurt the way it did, and know better now. 

[Backroads]

I think a small gift and card and then stepping back would do wonders.

On another note, is there really only one right way to parent?

[thoughts]

You need to do a lot more than apologize.   You need to send a note, flowers, be solicitous of her, serve her, and make it up to her.  Apologize to all of the rest who were there.  Ask them to thump you if you ever start something like it again.   And never do it again. 

 

 

[Guest]

I don't know about how you guys are for the past (how old both of you are)... but your history plays a lot on how you deal with sibling squabbles.

My sister, for example, is a completely different personality than I am. I'm the one who breathes fire in a conflict and never getting singed, she's the one who stands her ground silently and if the fire gets hot she hides in the closet. So, sometimes, I breathe fire, she gets burned - sometimes really badly - and she goes and hides into her closet. She knows I lose my head and I don't mean half the things I say. Sometimes she hurls things hoping to get me burned but I'm of the personality that after I get done breathing fire, I'm like, "let's check out this new B&J flavor ice-cream!", regardless of how badly I got hurt. Sometimes my sister got so burned she is so deep in that closet I get worried that she won't come out but she always does eventually and we're back to normal doing what sisters do - with or without an apology. Sometimes, the apology even makes us uncomfortable because it's like, "what? you're not my sister anymore or something? I know you're sorry for being a big class moron!"... anyway, that's just the way we are and how we've handled things.

Now, after we got married, things became a bit different because the spouses get in the way - becoming he-mans protecting their women muddying the waters... after a few years into being married (she got married a year after I got married), our spouses just learned to stay back and just do, "there, there" and rub our backs, and the dance goes to its regular steps until we're back to being sisters again.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anybody, but this is how my family is.

Edited July 9, 2015 by anatess

[Bini]

Great advice! Thank you.

I don't think parenting is black and white, there's so much in between, but I am against raising a hand on a child as a form of disciplining.

I was raised that way, and it's the ONE parenting method I will NEVER use on my children.

[Guest]

I agree on that point, but this isn't about parenting disagreement anymore. 

[Bini]

Eowyn, I was responding to the One Way To Parent comment. My feelings were also hurt when my sister began to tell me that I turned out fine with having gone through physical discipline and that I didn't know what I was talking about simply from being a parent. It went both ways. I am the only one to apologise for hurt feelings, though, and that's fine. I can live with that.