Codependency. Help?

[GreenPlaid]

I don't think I'm asking for advice, per se, just trying to get stuff "out there" keeping it bottled up just sends me to a darker place every day.

So, I am at a crossroads in a 9-year relationship.  (Off an on, but mostly on.)  Lots of great memories, lots of fun times.  But an unhealthy relationship from the start.  We're not very compatible (values/priorities/personalities) and we each saw red flags from the very beginning.  For example:  I'm way to passive.  He's way too controlling - he comes from a family background of extensive addiction and divorce.  I talked myself into giving him a chance because we were both getting up there in age, and marriage/family is central to the gospel.   From the very beginning, my interests have taken a back seat to what he wants to do and when.  I didn't really see this as a problem.  My paradigm learned in my dysfunctional past was that strong relationships are built by sacrificing one's self for the other person, and it is the woman's duty to make sure her man is happy.   Two years ago, when I was trying to "fix" things after his latest tantrum, I picked up the book, "The Enabler."  About halfway through the book, I snapped out of denial, and shamefully accepted this designation for the attitudes and behaviors that had become a part of me as a result of the multi-generational co-depedency in my family.  After much prayer and soul searching, I felt I was ready to make some changes.  It was important for me to make needed changes, rather than leaving, to help ensure I don't make the same mistakes in future relationships.  I started off with some very basic boundaries (which he saw as very selfish), and for a time I was able to stick to them and saw an improvement in my life, if not directly in our relationship... but somehow all the ground I'd gained was eventually lost.

Long story short:  This year was a nightmare year for him.  His mom died.  His uncle died.  He bought a house - a major step for someone who has been an apartment dweller for all of his 50 some years...  He had a major eye injury.   And I was there for him.  My two goals for this year were to support him, and to fix some health issues.  Two pursuits which have been in constant conflict with each other.   Recently he has been very seriously considering marriage to the person who has loyally supported him in his darkest hour.  About a month ago he had his semi-annual major blow up/tantrum over the one thing he sees as an obstacle to marital bliss with me.  Because of where I was at in terms of physical health, I knew there was no way I could bring my emotions under control enough to attempt an honest and open discussion with him...  So I gave myself permission to take some time to heal physically.    As I did, the lights began to turn on and I could see how unhealthy and dishonest our relationship has become.    Me, the passive enabler with two separate lives and he the controlling narccisist or OCDP sufferer.  (Not my job to diagnose or change him, but he does have many of the traits.)

I realized that my attempts to change have failed, in part, because I have no reference point (outside of books), no concept of what a healthy relationship looks like on a day to day basis.  I don't even know what a good friendship looks like.  Because, in my mind, a failed relationship is the ultimate failure in life, the rockier the road, the further I distance myself from other people, until I have become almost completely isolated.   At least nobody will kick me when I'm down... right?   After a couple of weeks of thinking, enjoying being myself and evaluating what I want to do, it seemed like time to have a discussion with my boyfriend.  I hate knowing that I've just left him hanging.    My feeling is that people are important and if at all possible it would be nice to salvage some semblance of a friendship... but then, I don't know if that is even possible - and I would definitely need coaching on how to construct and maintain healthy boundaries.   This possibility seemed like a ray of light in my dark, miserable, selfish existence.  But who to talk to?  Who to confide in?  Nobody in my family is qualified. 

So I set up an appointment with my bishop (whom I had never met because I attended church with my boyfriend).  The appointment was postponed, and anxiety began to take over.  With my boyfriend still waiting to hear from me, and me drifting further into self-loathing and doubt.  Doubt and distrust of my judgment, my motives and my emotions. 

I don't know what I was expecting to hear from the bishop...  I was hoping he would offer some pointers on receiving counseling - someone I could meet with to work through some of the junk in my head, someone to lead a mediated discussion between the two of us, where I could come clean about the deceptions (intentional or otherwise) that I have allowed to be perpetuated through the years.   The bishop's counsel:  the standard, "read your scriptures/pray/temple recommend" litany.  Not to discount any of those things, but, for the most part, members of my family have been faithful Mormons for generations, and they have been faithfully passing unhealthy relationship attitudes and behaviors from one generation to the next.  His further advice:  Pick up the phone and end the relationship.   (After praying and receiving confirmation that this is what I should do.)

I do believe that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.  But considering that doing my best to act on what I believed to be promptings has led me to where I'm at right now, I simply don't trust myself to be discerning about such guidance.  Where I was at peace with the thought of receiving counseling and trying to salvage a friendship, I have landed in the deepest depression since talking with the bishop.  I'm so disgusted with myself for even taking up his time (much longer than the 15 minutes or so allotted to individual appointments).   I have to force myself to eat.  I have no motivation to do anything.

Are people of such little value that (when you're not actually married to them) it's okay to simply cast them aside after nearly a decade of shared experience - good as well as bad?   Are we both really supposed to carry around all this junk we've accumulated?  He to turn his to anger and me to self loathing?  Is bottling it up and throwing away the mementos really the path to living a healthy, stable life?

i don't know.  I'm planning to attend a local CODA support group this week... not much hope of anything coming from that.

And he's still waiting to hear from me...

If you read this far... thank you.  I don't really feel better after getting it out.  What does "better" feel like, anyway?

[prisonchaplain]

55 minutes ago, GreenPlaid said:

I was hoping he would offer some pointers on receiving counseling - someone I could meet with to work through some of the junk in my head, someone to lead a mediated discussion between the two of us, where I could come clean about the deceptions (intentional or otherwise) that I have allowed to be perpetuated through the years.  ... His further advice:  Pick up the phone and end the relationship.   (After praying and receiving confirmation that this is what I should do.)  ... Where I was at peace with the thought of receiving counseling and trying to alvage a friendship,

You've answered your own post.  Seek counseling. LDS posters here say that the church offers referrals.  Even the psychologytoday.com website has a "find a therapist" feature that allows you to filter for LDS counselors.  You've known what to do.  Chances are, the Holy Spirit has confirmed that.  I doubt your bishop would see your effort as disobedience.  Go for yourself first.  Then, with success, ask for help with navigating your relationship.  May Heavenly Father guide and encourage and comfort you as you do what you've already known inside is needed.

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, GreenPlaid said:

Are people of such little value that (when you're not actually married to them) it's okay to simply cast them aside after nearly a decade of shared experience - good as well as bad?   Are we both really supposed to carry around all this junk we've accumulated?  He to turn his to anger and me to self loathing?  Is bottling it up and throwing away the mementos really the path to living a healthy, stable life?

In addition to @prisonchaplain's great words, I'll address these particular questions.  For sake of connivence, I'm going to call your boyfriend George.

No, people are not junk to be cast away, regardless of marital status or length of relationship.  But what you are describing in your post is not you casting away George like he's junk.  What I see is a daughter of God taking the time/space/resources she needs to grow closer to God.  If George is helping with that quest, that's great.  If George is fighting you coming unto Christ, then that is a destructive influence-- no good for you or George.  

Are we supposed to carry around destruction and pain forever?  No!!!!!  Come unto Christ and let Him heal you. 

As far as the current depression you're feeling: yes, a relationship ending in painful.  Incredibly so, even for bad relationships.  It's been a long time you've defined yourself through him and those emotions.  Now that that's gone you're uncertain what/who you are, and what joy feels like.  You need to re-find who you are.  In addition to walking with Christ (the master healer), seeking Earthy counseling is a great thing guiding down that path.  

 

   

[GreenPlaid]

Thank you both for your replies.  I appreciate it.

[Guest]

Can a nine year long boyfriend-girlfriend relationship ever be healthy?  If you have not gotten married by now, things probably are not going anywhere with this man, so what is the point of dating him?  Maybe you should consider leaving this guy behind and finding someone who wants to be married, who is willing to accept the responsibility of being married instead of looking for excuses not to be.  Someone who treats you better and doesn't act like some kind of a 50-year old teenager.

I wouldn't worry about salvaging the friendship.  Generally it is not natural to stay friends after a breakup anyways.  He is a big boy who needs to take care of himself, and you need to make a clean break and find your eternal companion!

Edited October 11, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Latter-Day Marriage]

6 hours ago, GreenPlaid said:

Because, in my mind, a failed relationship is the ultimate failure in life, the rockier the road, the further I distance myself from other people, until I have become almost completely isolated.   At least nobody will kick me when I'm down... right?   After a couple of weeks of thinking, enjoying being myself and evaluating what I want to do, it seemed like time to have a discussion with my boyfriend.  I hate knowing that I've just left him hanging.    My feeling is that people are important and if at all possible it would be nice to salvage some semblance of a friendship...

The only relationship  you should worry about not failing is your relationship with God.  Those mortal relationships that are helpful in achieving that should be maintained, those that are not should be cut off.  It is not your job to save everybody from themselves, sometimes you need to just walk away and leave God to deal with them. 

It is also far better to remain single than to marry the wrong person.  Don't let a calendar talk you into settling for less than you deserve.

[GreenPlaid]

On 10/10/2016 at 9:39 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

The only relationship  you should worry about not failing is your relationship with God.  Those mortal relationships that are helpful in achieving that should be maintained, those that are not should be cut off.  It is not your job to save everybody from themselves, sometimes you need to just walk away and leave God to deal with them. 

It is also far better to remain single than to marry the wrong person.  Don't let a calendar talk you into settling for less than you deserve.

  Latter-Day Marriage,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  Very sound advice...  I'm sure I'll reach a place where I will allow it to sink in.   For many years, during my super picky stage, I would constantly tell myself that if a man didn't love God more than he loved me, he wasn't someone I wanted to marry.  I had adopted this mantra in response to people telling me I should try meeting men at places where I was unable to feel the Spirit. 

Anyway, soon after you wrote your post, I composed a lengthy response - junk rolling around in my head that doesn't need to be read (and which I deleted).   But for anyone reading this thread who is in a similar situation, I do want to mention one thing.

I attended my first group therapy session a few days ago.  Fellow codependents may understand the significance of this:  I cried in front of complete strangers and didn't beat myself up afterward.  It was very different than meeting with the bishop (not to discount the latter).  The bishop's role is to be a judge in Israel.  In the codependency support group, judgment is left behind in the spirit of providing a safe place to heal.  It was very reassuring.  I'm looking forward to making it a regular part of my week.  Right now, that's about my speed for gradually allowing people back into my life.

I also had "the talk" and ended the relationship yesterday.  I had worked through my emotions enough that I was able to spot the triggers he employs and keep myself from being drawn in.  So I'm in a better place than I was and am learning how to take care of my needs again..

[Sunday21]

Good for you! Great to hear that you have taken these steps. I suspect that you will find that you have a great deal more energy and interest in your life moving forward. From watching people in similar situations and from my own experience, I think that you will begin feeling physically and mentally stronger and will become more alive. Good work!

[Latter-Day Marriage]

On 2016-10-15 at 5:37 PM, GreenPlaid said:

For many years, during my super picky stage, I would constantly tell myself that if a man didn't love God more than he loved me, he wasn't someone I wanted to marry.

Stick with that.  When somebody loves God most, their capacity to love others is expanded.  A man who loves God more than you will love you better than a man who loves you most.