Husband addicted to porn film

[c2ciles]

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

Edited December 23, 2016 by Eowyn
link removal

[omegaseamaster75]

He needs to see a professional and get help if he truly is addicted. A treatment center maybe not, but professional counseling along with a support group at a minimum.  I would also recommend that you and he see a MFT and resolve the issues in your marriage.  While you didn't specifically mention marital problems the two issues go hand in hand.

He should also see his bishop and resolve the sin issues associated with his porn watching. 

Now before you get dramatic and want a divorce and what not let me clue you into something, all men have seen porn. Seeing porn does not equal addiction (no one should watch porn ever at all) but it happens.  But if you live with rose colored glasses on and think that you will find a better man who has never watched or been exposed to porn your just kidding yourself.

 

 

 

[zil]

I recommend this website by the church.

[Just_A_Guy]

10 hours ago, c2ciles said:

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

Without getting too deeply into gory details: 

Assuming you have little experience with this sort of thing; I can almost guarantee that your husband's issues are not what you think they are; and they are more complicated and deeper than you have imagined (and no, they are not usually a reflection of your having been an inferior wife or somehow having failed to meet his "needs"). 

This doesn't make him a bad guy--not at all--but it does mean you are in for a rocky ride that is going to test both of you.  Inpatient treatment can be very helpful, but you shouldn't think it will "fix" him--it just provides a foundation for ongoing recovery which will take the rest of his life.  Regardless of whether he chooses inpatient, there will be bishop's meetings; there will be twelve-step groups; and to be really effective there probably will indeed need to be some sort of therapeutic intervention. 

You will probably benefit from some individual counseling of your own; because while he is very well situated to have great success--there will probably be some setbacks, and you need to decide how you're going to cope with those and then go and get the tools you need to cope effectively.

The website Zil recommends is excellent, and is an essential starting point.  I would also recommend the books He Restoreth My Soul and Confronting Pornography. 

Edited December 23, 2016 by Just_A_Guy

[Jane_Doe]

11 hours ago, c2ciles said:

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

1) His addiction is in NO way your fault.  It is not because he was unhappy with you, but because he allowed himself to be hooked on a horrible drug.  Not your fault.

2) Nothing any woman can do can satisfy a porn addict.  That's because you're real and a porn addict is addicted to fake.  

3) You will probably find that this addiction pre-dates your martial troubles.  In fact, it probably goes back to his high school years if not sooner.

4) You can not fix this.  Again, there is not a single thing you can do to fix this.  The only person who can fix this is your husband is your husband when he asks Christ to remake him.  This will involve lots of work-- years.  It'll be long and painful.  But *if* he's willing to do the work, it'll be worth it.  You of course can support and encourage him, but you cannot fix it.  

5) As the the clinic... this isn't going to be fixed in a weekend, or week, or month.  That's not do say it can't put things on the right direction, but an addiction is not cured in a weekend.

 

 

 

[Bad Karma]

C2ciles,

Woah there girl, I say WOAH!  Slowdown! 

 

You don't think you can forgive him if he "does this again"? (Watching porn). It's not your place to NOT forgive him. Heavenly father is a God of reconciliation, your intent to refuse to forgive your husband is counter productive to HIS plan. Time for you and hubby to take this matter to The Bish, he'll help much, he'll send you two to LDS Family Services, where some pretty good counselors are waiting to meet you two fine folk and help iron out these wrinkles. pray, Pray, PRAY! 

 

You two can grow significantly stronger as a couple having gone through this and participated in the treatment together.  Keep in mind that this is SIN, all of us are subject to SIN at all times, The deceiver is working overtime attacking families, No need to be honked off at hubby, instead, be concerned or worried as if he had some deadly disease, that would be much closer to the truth. 

Again I say, it is time to involve the Bishop. Good think happen when you do that. 

 

[Guest]

13 hours ago, c2ciles said:

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

I am so sorry this happened to you.  Please know you are not alone, and you will always have friends and support in the Lord and His Church.

Is treatment worth it?  I don't know if it is a magic bullet, as the way out for your husband is resisting temptation every day from here on out.  I do think a good therapist can be very helpful in these situations.  This is a good thing to talk about with your bishop.

As for forgiveness, take things a day at a time.  You are hurt, and sometimes you need some time for the dust to settle a little and for the very natural emotions of grief and anger to subside.  

Again, I am so sorry this happened to you, and, for what it is worth, I send you my support and concern.

Edited December 23, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Guest MormonGator]

3 hours ago, Bad Karma said:

C2ciles,

 I say WOAH!  Slowdown! 

 

I agree.

Take a deep breath dear sister. We don't know if he's addicted to porn yet. The term "addiction" is a loaded and complicated term that many people don't understand. He might be addicted to porn, he might just like this one video. No, I'm not saying what he did was healthy or moral. But we don't know if he's addicted to anything. 

Addiction means many things. What thing it means is "I am so driven by this that my quality of life has been negatively impacted." That may mean he spends 40 hours a week on porn. Or he spends thousands a dollars a week on drugs. Or he gets fired from job after job because he calls in sick playing video games. So don't confuse "bad habit" with "addiction". 

All that is a good because it means we can address the problem now before it becomes worse. If he was truly addicted to porn, we've have a much bigger issue. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

19 hours ago, c2ciles said:

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

As others have pointed out, porn usage is not automatically porn addiction.  If this is a true addiction he has, then you need to think of it as a chronic illness.  Would you leave a spouse because they had cancer?  Would you blame yourself as not being good enough in some way because they had cancer?  Would you get angry with them for getting cancer? 

If it is a habit and not an addiction, do you think that threats and condemnation will help him change?  Either way the right approach is one of compassion, love and encouragement.  There may be things you can do that will help him to avoid or lessen temptation, but ultimately the ball is in his court.  If this is something he wants to remove from his life, the church offers free addiction recovery programs that you should likely both attend (doesn't matter what kind of addiction).  There are a series of videos the church put out about addiction recovery too on YouTube.

[Jojo Bags]

On 12/23/2016 at 1:45 AM, c2ciles said:

I was shocked to learn that my husband is addicted to porn. I didn't know about this until recently I found porn films in his laptop. We didn't have sex for the past few months as he was not happy with me. His expectation was similar to what he watches in porn films but I couldn't make it up. 
I confront him and he said he needs to stop watching this but unable to do so. How can I help him? I found out he is still watching porn films but this time he tried his maximum for not to get caught but unfortunately he didn't clear his history and I went through it. I discussed this with one of his friends and he recommended me to take my husband to [a pornography addiction treatment center in Calgary] . Is it worth spending money? I don't think I will be able to forgive him if he does this again.          

Taking him to a treatment center won't work if he is forced to go and if the treatment is not spiritually based on the Gospel.  Porn addiction is not a physiological problem.  It is a spiritual with physiological manifestations.  "Helpful" doctors and drugs are a waste of time.  You have to treat the spirit in order to have success. This is why the ARP program is wholly spiritually based.  I beat a 48 year porn problem without the treatment centers, using only a spiritually based system.   I have absolutely no desire for the filth; I'm not even tempted..  He will have to make tremendous sacrifices to get well, but it is possible.  He will also need to be teachable for this to work, because he has to get rid of his worldly notions.