Supporting my spouse

[Natham]

A few days ago my husband  told me he didn't know if he believed in modern day prophets or Joseph Smith. He also said he didn't like the way he felt when he goes to church. I have noticed for a few months this chip on his shoulder every time we went to church. He has become cynical towards our ward and some of the people in it. ( which in a way I Have seen him be mistreated:( ) he was crying as he told me how much he loves me and wants me to be happy, but he would understand if I wanted to be with someone that would be at church with me... I knew he was struggling a bit with going to church, but I had no idea to what extent. He has had some health issues that made going to church very uncomfortable and I feel that is where it all started. It can become easier and easier not to go. He is a convert to the church and we have had some incredible spiritual experiences together. It has been devastating to me, I think of broken dreams, not having him baptize our daughter, going to church by myself, never sitting with him in the temple again, and so many other things. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is hard, I am hurt. I don't know how to support him through this trial. As much as I don't want it to drive a wedge between us it feels like it is. I am trying to think of him how our Savior would. I love my husband, he is my best friend. How can I show and feel love towards him even though I feel so broken and hurt? What are ways I can endure and feel peace?

[Guest MormonGator]

I'm sure you feel very overwhelmed right now, and I understand that. I want you to know that we are all praying for you and we all send our love. 

Faith is never a straight line. Virtually all of us struggle with doubt, anger and confusion over our faith. Just because your husband is struggling now doesn't mean he'll never go back to church. I know it's so hard and it's easy for me to say this, but it's best to take a deep breath, focus on the fact that you really love him-and put his faith crisis on the shelf for a bit. The worst thing you can do is nag or pester him about faith. 

Sending love. 

[NeuroTypical]

You're not the only one in this situation, Natham.   It's good to hear your hubby seems to understand the impact his reality is having on you, and it's hurting him too.  Sounds like he cares for you a great deal.  At the same time, sounds like he's being genuine, not hiding what's going on in him, not pretending.  That's a good thing too.  

Here's my suggestions, take them for what they're worth:

If you haven't made the choice yet, make it now.  Either leave him now and do the divorce thing, and the co-parenting thing, and all that - or sign up to stand with him no matter which direction his life goes.  That doesn't mean you follow him out of the church, but it does mean you make the conscious choice to allow him to follow his reality, even if that leads him out of the church.  It means you and he may never see eye to eye, but you will choose to not let that turn into resentment and bitterness.  It means you can still have hope, but you will also need to balance practical reality.  It means you can still choose to love him, even though you need to call your home teacher to give you or your daughter a blessing.  It means you go forward, hoping some day he may change his mind, but you may need to seek a portion of spiritual intimacy from other sources.  Maybe all of the spiritual intimacy. 

It means your daughter might follow him, and you may need to deal with that crushing reality without becoming something you don't want to be.  Basically, this last one might happen whether you stay together or apart, but it might happen. I'm sorry.

You are not the only person in this situation.  Part member families, families where one spouse is inactive, even families where one spouse has become critical of the church - I've seen all kinds still coping with the difficulties, still striving to stay married and achieving measures of happiness and joy.  I have been struggling in my own family with something similar for years now.

Enduring might mean you may never have the quantities of peace you want, as regularly as you'd like to have it.  But you can struggle in love.

Edited July 12, 2017 by NeuroTypical

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Faith is never a straight line. Virtually all of us struggle with doubt, anger and confusion over our faith. 

The following is not nit-picking.  It is what I believe to be a fairly profound observation on life from a man who has gone through many twists and turns.  And I believe this may help @Natham.

We tend to think that our lives are meandering all over the place trying to find meaning, purpose, fulfillment, peace, etc.  And while we're going through it, we certainly get the impression that we're making all kinds of twists and turns.  But after many years, when things become clear, we can look back on our lives and realize that where we were and where we are was a great distance.  The amazing thing is that the path we took really was the shortest path we could have taken.

Natham,

While things are difficult right now, we try to have faith in the Lord.  We try to keep our eye on the goal of eternal life.  We do what we can to serve the Lord and serve our fellow man.  After many years of struggle and hardship, we will realize that all those struggles were absolutely necessary to get where we eventually will be.  Looking back we'll realize that there simply was no other path available.

Your struggles are difficult for you now.  But as you remain true to the Lord, eventually, you'll find yourself in a place of great fulfillment.  Then you'll look back and realize exactly why you had to go through the trials you're now going through.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

[Sunday21]

Hey Natham,

Sigh..Sorry you and hubby are going through this! So...some choices, you could go to church on your own. If you are not nuts about your local ward, could you try another ward? You could try reading the New Testament together and praying together. Some people find that focusing on a relationship with Christ is helpful. Some ideas, you could consider some approaches and ponder them. Pick a couple that seem viable and then go to the temple to pray about them. Good luck!

[Backroads]

One of my best buddies from my teen years and who I still keep in touch with today and whom I still think the world of is an atheist and has been one as long as I've known her. She married a Mormon, and at get-togethers I have found myself being a random support for him. He goes to church, she delves into her weird philosophy books.

They have a great marriage.

It won't be easy, but if you're up for putting everything else about your husband before the particulars of his faith it can work There is a private support board here I think you can request access to. There are success stories.

[Sunday21]

2 minutes ago, Backroads said:

One of my best buddies from my teen years and who I still keep in touch with today and whom I still think the world of is an atheist and has been one as long as I've known her. She married a Mormon, and at get-togethers I have found myself being a random support for him. He goes to church, she delves into her weird philosophy books.

They have a great marriage.

It won't be easy, but if you're up for putting everything else about your husband before the particulars of his faith it can work There is a private support board here I think you can request access to. There are success stories.

Dear @Backroads

I did not know that there was a private support board here! How does one find it?

Edited July 12, 2017 by Sunday21

[Backroads]

3 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

Dear @Backroads

I did not know that there was a private support board here! How does one find it?

I want to say it's in the advice subthreads? I'm not part of the board, I just saw it once and it says you need to request access.

[Guest]

He might just be going through a "phase" that he will come out of.

I went through a crisis of faith back in 2007.  I actually told my wife at one point I was unsure about continuing in Mormonism.  Truth was, I had been listening to protestant fundamentalist preachers and was very worried at the time about not going to heaven, and at that point I wanted to run to my closest Southern Baptist church and get "saved".  Well, I am here, so obviously I didn't leave the Church.  Instead, I critically read the New Testament, took a close look at our doctrines, and took a close look at protestant doctrines.  This culminated in me reading "Will the Real Heretics Please Stand Up?" by David Bercot, then many of the writings of the early Church fathers.  I concluded that Mormonism was, in fact, far more correct and more in line with early Christianity than these fundamentalist preachers I had been listening to.  From that, I came out of my crisis with a much stronger testimony than I had before.

I am glad my wife stood by me during that time, even when I was saying crazy things like, "I need to go become a Protestant right now!"  I am glad she had patience and didn't decide to up and leave when I went through all that.  And I did make it through, even though it took awhile!

Edited July 12, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Jane_Doe]

My husband isn't a member of the church.  I love him so much and the highlight of my day is coming home to spend time with him.  

Love your husband for who he is, and have him love you for who you are-- shortcomings and all.  Don't try to force the other to change to be someone else.  He's being honest with himself and you, which is great, keep it up.  If he stays home from church for a while, that's not the end of the world.  Still talk about what you think/believe with him and listen to what he's thinking.  Communication and respect are the key to love together, moreso than literally sitting on the same pew with him every Sunday.  

[Jane_Doe]

@Natham, if you ever want to talk with someone who's spouse doesn't share your faith, feel free to PM me any time

[eddified]

Hi @Natham, there is some great advice here. My advice is to please try to love him and let him be himself. He needs to figure things out. If he decides never to return to church, please accept his decision since he is an adult. Try not to resent him about any of his decisions. You can still have a happy marriage. In fact I would advise against divorce if this is the only issue. I don't mean to minimize the issue, I know it can be a difficult road to walk. But Jesus is there to walk it with you. 

[Bad Karma]

Natham,

Mormon Gator said some important things, they are sound. In no way nag him about it, patience is your elixir, prayer your weapon. I'll go as far as to say do not allow this to drive a wedge between you two, it will if you let it, you have a huge amount of control here, through love. Understand that second ONLY to your love for heavenly father and Jesus Christ is your marriage to your husband. 

I am NO stranger to this very situation. I am not always thrilled with fellow members in my ward, really, just because of something that irked me. I'm not a huge fan of my present bishop, but I respect the fact that he has a very hard calling. Times I have been less active, my wife has gone through the same thing several times too. Fortunately, the last time I was peeved at the church, my wife in a as a matter of fact tone simply reminded me that we're LDS and we're not going to be something else. At first, I was taken aback by her proclamation, but I also gave witness to her sincerity too. Time gave way to thinking about how we're sealed, and turning my back on the church would some how turn my back on something very important to me, that was being sealed to her. That gave way to lots and lots of prayer, and in the end, I was glad to be LDS. 

Being LDS does involve stepping out of comfort zones, it does involve sacrifice of time and energy, but when you are left alone with your thoughts, you realize the sacrifices made are to heavenly father, it doesn't feel so taxing, later, it feels good. We all spend our time in the refiner's fire, to be forged into that which heavenly father has his purpose. It's seldom an easy thing, he's perfecting the saints. The same is true of your husband, patience, prayer and wise and gentle counsel from his loving wife without chiding. 

Dr. Lemon, of whom I bare great respect for also describes his accounts of crisis of faith, I don't think you will find too many fellow saints that has not experienced their own such experiences. Please know I say all of this lovingly and with the utmost respect for your feelings about this.