26, Divorced, and don't know where to go.

[youcannotcontainme]

I'm an 26 year old, LDS divorcee whose wife had an affair. The divorce was final in Feb. 

Not long after, I started dating this wonderful LDS girl and things felt amazing. I felt confident in my position with the Lord, with my past divorce, with my emotional state, with decisions I had made, and with the progress I had with this young lady and we quickly started talking about marriage. I felt good about all of this. Then I suddenly, I hit a wall out of no where and question everything. There isn't one life decision that I don't question now or have anxiety over.

My bishop encourages me to have an eternal perspective, and implies I have no reason to not move forward with this wonderful young lady. But stops just keep presenting themselves to me, that originally weren't there, or I at least I didn't notice. Things like pain from my past relationship overwhelming me, past pornography addictions flaring up, unsure of my own position in God's eyes and depression flaring. I constantly question if she is who I need to move forward with, and question even more if I'm someone who can handle being married again.

Currently, Im seeing a psychiatrist, my bishop and doing some addiction recovery work and taking some anti depressants, but I continue to struggle with making any kind of decisions and am terrified of making life decisions right now. 

Any advice would be very welcomed right now. Thank you.

[Guest MormonGator]

First off, I'm praying for you. You are in a tough spot. 

Secondly, your divorce was final only in February. Even in the "best" cases, divorce is so tough and heartbreaking that you usually need a year to recover before you should even think about getting into another relationship, much less married again. 

You'll get your confidence back soon, and with that decisions will get much more clear. 

prayers bro. 

[zil]

Welcome, @youcannotcontainme!  I'm praying for you too.  Two thoughts:

1) They say it takes about 5 years to adjust to a major life event (such as divorce or the death of someone close to you).  This will vary from person to person and relationship to relationship, but it's something to keep in mind.  That doesn't mean you can't go forward with your new relationship, but you need to not assume you're all done adjusting to the loss of the old one, when it's only been a few months.

2) When an event like that happens, there's a void in your life - not just the absence of the person, but all that time you used to spend on / with / about them is now free.  Trying to fill that time can be difficult as whatever you try to fill it with may seem trivial when compared to your loss.  But you must fill it with worthwhile things, or you will form the habit of doing nothing (useful / productive) with that time, and that habit will be harder and harder to break the longer it goes on.

Otherwise, it sounds to me like you're doing some major things right.  Don't forget to do the basics of the gospel - scripture study, prayer, church attendance, calling, home teaching, etc.  These things can give you a measure of stability and light as you work through the changes in your life.

[Sunday21]

Dear @youcannotcontainme,

i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your experiences have been traumatic. No wonder you are feeling anxiety.

Be kind to yourself!

[person0]

@youcannotcontainme,

Usually I try to give thoughtful and sincere responses.  You deserve those from this forum, and others will give them.  However, at this time I'm going to give you some advice that I would normally not give to anyone:  Establish a pre-nuptual agreement (even just informally) to satisfy your possible temporal concerns, and then just get married!  If you feel that you love this woman, even if only like a family member, then just take to heart that many general authorities have echoed the idea that any two faithful and sincere members of the Church can make it together.  All it takes is a joint focus on Christ.

If something happened to my wife, I imagine I would be on this forum, at church, and elsewhere looking for a new righteous woman as quick as she would come to me, and take the plunge.  Of course I would seek the guidance of the Spirit in the decision, but I would be all over it fast!  It might not yield the desired results, but finding myself in your specific situation, I don't think I could hold back from marriage for very long. That could be my personal weirdness more than anything; who knows?  However, Paul even taught that it was better for a missionary or a widow to just get married rather than to burn in lust.  He said nothing about love or anything.  Pick you a fine woman who likes you and get hitched 

I promise I'm only half crazy!  

Edit:  Oh, oh!  Some advice you might more likely consider this time:  I recommend a book called '300 questions lds couples should ask before marriage'.  Just google it, go through every question together.  After doing that, if none of the answers you give each other scare the other one off, you are good to go buddy!  I am 7 years strong and that's what we did!  

Edited July 18, 2017 by person0

[Guest]

@youcannotcontainme,

First, what state are you in?  Marriage, divorce, all same state?

Second, my brother-in-law just went through what you're going through.  I'll ask him what got him out of it and how.  I'll PM you if you'd like.

[eddified]

Disclaimer: I've never been divorced. I'm married.

I think in this situation you should continue to fast, pray and be steadfast in the gospel. Continue dating this young woman, but tell her that you need to take things slow. I hope she would understand, since you were so recently divorced. And then just take things slowly. No need to rush. Well, I kind of take that back... I guess it depends on the person. Me, I know I would be able to take it slowly without succumbing to desires of the flesh. But if you know that taking it slowly will provide significant temptations, then in that case there is a need to avoid dilly-dallying (echoing @person0's reference to Paul). Edit: just know where you are at. If you may fall into temptation, foresee it.. Do all things in wisdom and order.

"Trust in the Lord and lean not unto thine own understanding." Meaning, follow the Spirit and if you need time before rushing into marriage, don't be afraid to take the time you need. Alternatively, if the Spirit is prompting you to push ahead with the relationship, then do that instead. 

God bless! Sorry I wish I could offer better advice, perhaps someone else in this forum can offer some relevant anecdotes.

Edited July 18, 2017 by eddified

[eddified]

It seems you are afraid of the commitment. Please don't take offense, I'm just trying to read between the lines. If I'm wrong I welcome the feedback...

It is completely understandable for you to be afraid of commitment after something like what you say happened to you. Could a fear of this happening again be nagging at the back of your mind? If this is the case, seek healing in the Atonement. Not everyone is like your ex-wife, I promise.  There are some wonderful potential mates out there, I just know it!

[askandanswer]

I've seen the damage that pornography addiction can do to a marriage. I wouldn't do anything until you have had this addiction under control for at least a year. Anything less would be premature and acting too quickly. 

[Bad Karma]

When I divorced my ex-wife, a non-member who was a heck of a cheater, I was DONE! FINI! Career military and hard core send me to Iraq or A-stan where I belong mentality. Hard of heart, angry beyond measure, hated the world and I wanted to burn it all down. I was the NOPE guy, NOPE to dating, NO I don't want to talk to you, absolutely finished with such stupid notions. The Bish was great, gentle, told me to pray about it. No, I didn't, had zero interest in a change of heart. 

Fast forward a fist full of years, this short skinny dark haired adorable Mormon girl found me and would not go away (Seriously) and managed to find every crack in the huge walls I had built. It was hopeless, she knew just how to talk to me, how to handle me, my fears, torments, everything. She still has me hopelessly. I'm sealed to her. Buddy, I didn't go easy, I was often in tears the whole way, scared too, still angry then. I got out of the Army a few months after marrying her. She's still working at chipping away at my walls, but she's allowed to.  It took HER, like the only person with the key to ME, to get close. I've finally married someone heavenly father approved of, instead of choosing Mrs. Wrong again, Miss. LDS chose me. 

Sometimes things don't always click, sometimes I'm still SSG Jerkwad, She has the one thing I've keep under lock and key since I was brought into this world, she has my heart.

OP, where you go from here is up to you. I can't tell you what to do, only you know. I can only tell you how it went with me. It's scary letting someone in, it's scarier thinking you'd ever say "good bye", so don't say "good bye", not when you find you love her.  Excuse me, I've got to go tell my wife that I love her.  

Edited July 19, 2017 by Bad Karma