It's over but we have to live together...?

[Vort]

I don't have a lot of confidence in posts like this. Sure, from her perspective, he's mean, unkind, and bullying. But what about from his perspective? She may be all sorts of unmentionable things. I know when my older brother divorced his first wife, she made unspeakable claims about him and how he treated their daughters. When it went to court and his lawyer threatened to expose her lies, she withdrew all such charges and claimed the lawyer made her do it. Didn't matter; when she left him she ran to Utah, and the courts there sided with her 100%, giving her full custody and him not even visitation rights. A dark part of my soul sincerely hopes that the scumbag lawyers and judges will answer to God for their vomitous actions against my brother and other fathers in that situation.

In any case, the point is that accepting her word at face value is naive and probably wrong. You are not getting a balanced picture, just her take on the matter. The fact that she doesn't want to leave him because she would miss the money and lifestyle he provides them should give you some clue that all may not be as she claims. If you could actually see what was going on, maybe you'd tell her to quit nagging and criticizing her husband and treating him so hatefully and start acting like a loving wife should act. Build him up in the eyes of their daughters, not tear him down. Be kind, patient, and understanding -- all the things she wants from him. I'm peeved, but not surprised, to read people just accepting her word at face value and assuming the husband really is a reprobate. Same old same old.

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, Vort said:

In any case, the point is that accepting her word at face value is naive and probably wrong. You are not getting a balanced picture, just her take on the matter. The fact that she doesn't want to leave him because she would miss the money and lifestyle he provides them should give you some clue that all may not be as she claims. If you could actually see what was going on, maybe you'd tell her to quit nagging and criticizing her husband and treating him so hatefully and start acting like a loving wife should act. Build him up in the eyes of their daughters, not tear him down. Be kind, patient, and understanding -- all the things she wants from him. I'm peeved, but not surprised, to read people just accepting her word at face value and assuming the husband really is a reprobate. Same old same old.

Dont know why this suprises you. This applies to any post in the advice boards. You can only hear one side and have to advice on "facts" the person has given you. You have to take it on face value if you decide to advice. Now if the "facts" are incorrect then the advice given doesn't apply because it is based on lies but if she has given the facts as they really are then hopefully the suggestions given to her are helpful.

[askandanswer]

I mention this just by way of interest, and not because it will be helpful to the situation of the OP

In Australia, the government recognises the kinds of difficulties described. In response to these unpleasant situations where a spouse is living in an abusive relationship but can't afford to leave, after suitable checks and inquiries have been carried out, its possible to continue living under the same roof as the abusive partner but still be considered as legally seperated, and for the parent responsible for looking after the children, to receive the sole parent pension. I think its called an in-house seperation.

[JoCa]

6 hours ago, Vort said:

A dark part of my soul sincerely hopes that the scumbag lawyers and judges will answer to God for their vomitous actions against my brother and other fathers in that situation.

There is a very, very dark underbelly to the modern cultural view of women and this is it.  It's a very weird view also, it seeks to elevate women above all else and in the process of elevating women above all else destroys men. I think at a period of time (and in certain cultures today) the reverse is true, i.e. a world view that elevates men above all else and destroys women (strict Muslim, I'm looking at you!). 

Unfortunately, I believe our current culture has completely emasculated men and therefor many men are a shell of what they can and should be. This happens in the Church too.  I can't tell you how much I hate terms like SWMBO or when men in Church make self-deprecating comments about themselves when compared to their wives. Or "happy wife, happy life", how about "happy husband, happy life"??? Personally I really dislike these cultural aspects in our Church.

I wish we would just get back to more true teachings on this, i.e. men and women have separate distinct roles and the more each of them do their role properly the better marriage will work.  That means that men are to lead, guide, direct (and leading doesn't mean, honey whatever you want). 

Because I think a major failing in today's society is that women today don't know how to be wives or mothers.

[anatess2]

2 hours ago, JoCa said:

There is a very, very dark underbelly to the modern cultural view of women and this is it.  It's a very weird view also, it seeks to elevate women above all else and in the process of elevating women above all else destroys men. I think at a period of time (and in certain cultures today) the reverse is true, i.e. a world view that elevates men above all else and destroys women (strict Muslim, I'm looking at you!). 

Unfortunately, I believe our current culture has completely emasculated men and therefor many men are a shell of what they can and should be. This happens in the Church too.  I can't tell you how much I hate terms like SWMBO or when men in Church make self-deprecating comments about themselves when compared to their wives. Or "happy wife, happy life", how about "happy husband, happy life"??? Personally I really dislike these cultural aspects in our Church.

I wish we would just get back to more true teachings on this, i.e. men and women have separate distinct roles and the more each of them do their role properly the better marriage will work.  That means that men are to lead, guide, direct (and leading doesn't mean, honey whatever you want). 

Because I think a major failing in today's society is that women today don't know how to be wives or mothers.

I agree with some, but not all of these.

Let me just point to some things:

1.)  Elevate women... destroy men.  3rd wave feminism.  Cancer.  But it's like all these progressive things - the powers-that-be makes you get the impression that this view is shared by many, especially because the universities that are the laboratory of the youth are complicit in this.  But the reality is - only 23% of the population identify with these people.

2.) "happy wife, happy life".  This is another version of Women and Children on the boats.  It's a MAN thing.  Men don't need emotional coddling.  Women do.  Happy wife, happy life is an acknowledgement of this basic general difference between men and women.  It's... should I say... unMANly to say Happy husband Happy life.  Husband's are supposed to not be muh feelings.  I mean, that's part of the weakening of society - the muh feelings weaklings put in charge of leading people.

3.)  women in the USA today don't know how to be wives as mothers in the same manner that men today don't know how to be husbands and fathers.  It's the dissolution of the basic family unit that is causing this.

 

Edited November 14, 2017 by anatess2

[JoCa]

45 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

2.) "happy wife, happy life".  This is another version of Women and Children on the boats.  It's a MAN thing.  Men don't need emotional coddling.  Women do.  Happy wife, happy life is an acknowledgement of this basic general difference between men and women.  It's... should I say... unMANly to say Happy husband Happy life.  Husband's are supposed to not be muh feelings.  I mean, that's part of the weakening of society - the muh feelings weaklings put in charge of leading people.

 

I agree with much of what you say. I will amend that in today's society the man is expected to automatically bend to the wife's desire. But if the man expects certain things out of the wife, he is sexists, misogynistic, etc.  Again, people use the term SWMBO, but if they ever used the term HWMBO it would be "what a jerk, abusive husband".  

I'm totally cool with women and children on lifeboats, I'm glad that for an emphasis on women, however without a proper emphasis on the man's role as leader and head of the family . . . it falls apart.

[Me too]

On 9/25/2017 at 2:36 AM, estowife said:

So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone

Honest question #1.  What are his concerns?  Question #2.  What are you doing to fix his concerns in the marriage.  A marriage is not living with someone but for someone.  Let's start here.