I'm intimidated. ...

[Justlynn]

I'm a very shy woman and have trouble being around people.    People think I'm mean and hateful because I don't relate well  to others.  I am really intimidated by the poise and sophistication of the other ladies in the church.,  they all have such a close relationship with each other.    Where they call each other and chat and discuss problems and meet for lunch and I can't have that with them, not because of them, because of me.  I want to go to church and participate in church outing, bake sales and such but I feel uncomfortable.   Can anyone give me any advice on how to approach the ladies in the church. Desperate in Doniphan 

[anatess2]

38 minutes ago, Justlynn said:

I'm a very shy woman and have trouble being around people.    People think I'm mean and hateful because I don't relate well  to others.  I am really intimidated by the poise and sophistication of the other ladies in the church.,  they all have such a close relationship with each other.    Where they call each other and chat and discuss problems and meet for lunch and I can't have that with them, not because of them, because of me.  I want to go to church and participate in church outing, bake sales and such but I feel uncomfortable.   Can anyone give me any advice on how to approach the ladies in the church. Desperate in Doniphan 

Go to your RS President or your ministering sisters and tell them exactly what you told us here.  That should get some sisters to take extra steps in making sure you are comfortable in the environment.

[NeuroTypical]

From one cripplingly reclusive introvert to another, yes indeed, the only way to tell someone something, is to go up to them and tell them. Privately, probably for this topic.  You probably don't want to like raise your hand in class and say all this.

[Sunday21]

@Justlynn Hi! Sorry that you are going through this! I can see why attending church is stressful when you are uncomfortable in groups of people.

How about forcing a smile regardless of how you feel? A smile makes you appear to be more approachable. If a smile becomes your default expression, you may find that people are drawn to you even if you are panicking inside. 

Sometimes having one friend can make all the difference. Can you make a friend through the ministering program? Perhaps someone that you are assigned to minister to? Or someone who is assigned to minister to you? If you can become comfortable with one person, then you can call them and find out if they are attending and then when you arrive, you can relax a bit as you know there is someone there that you know,

One thing that I have observed at church is that many of the sisters are overwhelmed in their lives. They are juggling more than they can handle in terms of children, jobs, unsupportive husbands,  financial concerns. A lot of the sisters are running on empty because they are trying to fulfill so many roles. Given their level of exhaustion, they simply cannot take on any more. Thus, they cannot handle having another friend especially a needy friend. They see someone who is needy and they back off. If you sense that some sisters are backing away, bare in mind, they are not rejecting you personally, they are just overwhelmed. Plastering a smile on your face will really help to signal that they can be pleasant towards you withou a big emotional commitment.

Good luck!  

[Ironhold]

Are there any points of commonality you share? 

Hobbies? Jobs? Life experiences?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

In addition to what the other said...my thought is don't be sure they are all happy and friendly with one another.   Years ago, the Holy Ghost prompted me to call a sister in the ward.  She was the Gospel Doctrine teacher, and had missed church that day.  I felt impressed to call her and tell her she was missed.  We weren't friends, I hardly knew her.    My first thought was, "Me?  Why me?  She has tons of friends, and she'll just think it's weird if I call her."   Still the prompting persisted.  So I called her, and we ended up becoming close friends.   Sometime later she told me that before I called her she had been very lonely...she had no friends (and I thought she had many!)   She had specifically prayed and asked for me to be her friend (I taught RS and I guess she thought I seemed friendly.   )  

Recently I was talking to my brother on the phone.  I hardly ever talk to any of my siblings (we're not estranged, we just not close...dsyfunctional family dynamics at play here.)   My brother thanked me for calling him and said no one else calls.   I was floored by that.  I said, "Wait what?  I always thought you and [our sister} were really close.  And that you were fairly close with [our other brother.]"  He said, "No.  I never talk to them."   Since I was a child, I have believed that my brother and sister had this tight bond between them....but I was wrong. All these years.

What I see in my ward, and a friend just told me she sees the same in hers...is a lot of LONELY people, all of them looking around and assuming everyone else has friends.  Maybe some do.  I do.  I have friends, but almost all of them are friendships I sought out.  What I mean is I initiated them.  I was someone I thought was interesting or that maybe needed a friend and said, "Hey would you like to go to lunch?"  or "Hey would you like to go for a walk?"  or "We have kids the same age, want to take them to the park together?"  

I'm an introvert too.  I don't like crowds, or parties...I like close relationships, and getting together with one or two friends at a time.  But as I said, almost all my friendships, I initiated.   

You can do this.  Listen in Sunday School and Relief Society.  Choose one sister who makes comments that you like, and ask her if she would like to go to lunch with you.  Then choose someone else who sits alone and never says a word...that person could likely use a friend.  Odds are good you will get two friends out of doing that.  Seriously, it is that easy---because we all need and crave connection, and most of us are not getting enough.  I imagine whoever you reach out to...one on one...will be very grateful because she is lonely too. 

[Sunday21]

@LiterateParakeet Good ideas!

Another suggestion- retired sisters. They often have more time and are less anxious about forming a new friendship. If you see a sale on produce or a good deal at a local supermarket, you can bring along the flyer and show them. Amazing how thrilled people are to find a deal on toilet paper, cucumber, or chicken breasts.

If there is a potluck, you can make brownies and pass the plate around. There are cake mixes for brownies so no expertise is required! 

Another idea is any sister between the ages of 7 - 13. I don’t know about you but I was even shyer  at this age. If you come across any young sister,  you can make eye contact and smile. If you get the opportunity, you can say something nice about their outfit. Being friendly to young sisters is really a good dead. They are often just as shy as you are. Some day that young woman will remember your kindness and be grateful. 

Other ideas:

Go to the family history Center and sit next to a retired sister. Ask her how the genealogy is going.

Ask a retired brother to be a chaperone so that you can have the missionaries for dinner.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Sunday21

[Justlynn]

I want to thank all of you for the great advice... I plan on using it this Sunday.  I'm really excited to see if it helps.  

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

1 hour ago, Justlynn said:

I want to thank all of you for the great advice... I plan on using it this Sunday.  I'm really excited to see if it helps.  

We're cheering you on!  Let us know how it goes.    

[Iggy]

Feeding the missionaries and inviting a married couple is a fantastic way to better get to know the members of your Ward. Also invite a single man who is your age. That way the numbers are even.

I am still trying to get the Senior Missionary Couple over for dinner. I'll keep inviting and perhaps one day they will accept.

[Justlynn]

We live 50 miles from the church,  I feel that inviting members over would be asking a lot of them.  Maybe, when it cools off, a picnic in the park.??

[NeuroTypical]

16 minutes ago, Justlynn said:

We live 50 miles from the church,  I feel that inviting members over would be asking a lot of them.  Maybe, when it cools off, a picnic in the park.??

That sounds like a great idea.  I suggest bringing this to the Relief Society president - be open with her like you are with us - she could be a great help in getting the word out.