Christmas Cracker Jokes

[Jamie123]

Just got back from work Christmas party. The jokes in the crackers were up to the usual standard:

What do sheep say to each other at Christmas?

Merry Christmas to ewe

What would you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws

Which playwright was afraid of Christmas?

Noel Coward

Can't remember the rest. I'll let you know if more come to mind...

If you don't know what Christmas crackers are, here are some: they go bang when you pull them open and they contain jokes, paper hats and other small things (such as badly made plastic whistles, combs, thimbles, fortune-telling fish, tape measures, dice etc.)

I say it should be the law that everyone must belly-laugh at all the jokes in all the crackers (however lame) and wear the paper hats, on pain of being crowned King (or Queen) Humbug for the evening.

Edited December 18, 2023 by Jamie123

[Jamie123]

Now here is a very good woman wearing her hat and laughing at her joke:

No Humbug for her!

One more:

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep and crisp and even

[NeuroTypical]

How much did Santa's sleigh cost?
(It was on the house.)

What do you call Santa if he's broke?
(St. Nickel-less.)

Hooray - I'm helping!

[Carborendum]

1 hour ago, Jamie123 said:

If you don't know what Christmas crackers are, here are some: they go bang when you pull them open and they contain jokes, paper hats and other small things (such as badly made plastic whistles, combs, thimbles, fortune-telling fish, tape measures, dice etc.)

My sister once had a party where these crackers were on each of our plate.  She described the tradition.  No one's crackers actually "popped."  We kinda wondered if there actually was any mechanism in them to make a pop, or if we just got gypped.

[Vort]

3 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

My sister once had a party where these crackers were on each of our plate.  She described the tradition.  No one's crackers actually "popped."  We kinda wondered if there actually was any mechanism in them to make a pop, or if we just got gypped.

Just so we're all on the same page, I think @Jamie123 is talking about something like this:

[Carborendum]

8 minutes ago, Vort said:

Just so we're all on the same page, I think @Jamie123 is talking about something like this:

Similar.  Not quite the same.  The picture he provided is more like what my sister had.  They were wrapped up with gift wrap.  And there was a pulling mechanism (somewhat like the mechanism that party poppers are based on.  But it was like pulling apart a wishbone.

If you pull it apart and it pops, you get your wish.  If it doesn't pop, you don't get your wish.

At least, that is what my sister did.  And she said it was a tradition in the UK.  But I'd depend on an actual Brit @Jamie123 to verify that.

[Jamie123]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

We kinda wondered if there actually was any mechanism in them to make a pop, or if we just got gypped.

I think you got gypped. A proper cracker has a kind of cardboard strip inside it, which is bonded in the middle with a very tiny explosive charge. If both people grip the cracker tight and pull it goes off with a "crack" (similar to a squib). There are cheapo crackers out there that don't have this.

[Jamie123]

1 hour ago, Vort said:

Just so we're all on the same page, I think @Jamie123 is talking about something like this:

We have those too, but they are not the same as crackers. Crackers look like this: