For those who have experienced miscarriage..

[amylynn]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Amy and 8 months ago my daughter Daisy was stillborn. While I tried to work through my grief I noticed there is not much information for LDS women who are going through this. It's kind of a silent problem. I found comfort in online forums for miscarriage, but it's not the same as sharing these experiences with other women of your own faith. In light of that I've decided to put together a book of LDS (and Christian) women who have been through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal loss, or adoption loss. Those of you who have gone through it know that talking with other moms who have been there can be very healing. This is a chance to reach out to grieving moms and try to comfort. And also to provide a memorial to our little angels.

f you are interested in contributing your story please contact me at [email protected] for more information. In the eventuality that this book gets published everyone who shared their story will receive a free copy.

Please pray about this and if you feel prompted take this opportunity to help the healing process of other women.

Thank you,

Amy

[Winnie G]

Dear Amy.

I understand and feel your pain, I am now 48 and have 4 grown healthy children, but they came at a price of 14 miscarriages.

between my two oldest sons in the 70's I lost two twin girls born at six months, it was years before I had two more children, 80's the last miscarriage was scary and they almost lost me.

It was after that I found out do to a genetic or a Missing Chromosom (SP) was the caused of what they liked to all a "missed abortions", babies that mother nature took because of their birth defects.

They told me it was like shuffling cards in a card game if I was delta a health Chromosome hand I had a health child but bad hand = miscarriage or a children with handicaps. I was given the choice of having a tests to determine if all was well or to abort.

That would have never been a option and He is 23 now and is a computer genus and works for a large cable company. He is our home grown Geek man in the house.

My marriage ended with the stress and strain and uterine cancer, some years later I remarried in the Temple to a wonderful husband and sealed father to our children.

The story I wish to tell you was the greatest gift any sister could pass on to another.

No one had ever told me this before. in the year 2000, I just dealt with my grief silently as you said then this sister sitting across from me at a quilting bee making baby quilt one of those older wiser sisters. My story was told and this sister reached across the blanket and tears pouring down her face and she said "You are a blessed mother Winnie dont you know that" ?

"You have sons and daughters waiting to meet you on the other side all grateful for your gift of their body" You are truly blessed"

I sat there just stuned, my husband looked at me and said "we have babies waiting for us"! He to was in tears as well as the other women who were had now heard and joined us, sisters hugged me and at that moment of deep pain I had carried for years lifted away.

I had my children their just waiting for me. Not just any children the elect children who need nothing but a body and I was given that gift. Now all I have to do in endur to the end,

I have also have a growing crop of granddaughters (Four in five years) from my only daughter who seems the whole birth process down. Like falling off a log.

Ill take the blessings of babies any way they come.

My grief tuned to Joy from the wise sister and her gift of knowledge, what joy lays behind the veil for me.

Children are never lost to us,

By the way in this years manual J Smith's there is a chapter on death and grief and it covers the loss of children. I read it last night and slept well knowing I have not lost them. I just sent them on before me.

I hope this is what your looking for.

Winnie

[amylynn]

Thank you Winnie. I've replied through an email.

Amy

[Elgama]

hi Amy

I also now have 2 healthy beautiful children (and everything crossed I think I am pregnant again), but I have had 3 miscarriages I am aware of, and I suspect maybe 4 others, I no longer test until I have missed 3 periods, the 3 I have had have been early between 8-12 weeks, one was as a result of lysteria (sp??), each have been as painful and lasted longer than the labours with my kids and I have bled for as long. My daughter was also born about 7 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia but after a tense 10 days she made it.

I was lost with gospel following my first miscarriage and I know I walked out on a testimony meeting where someone was talking about how they knew the relative that had just died would be with them for eternity - and my soul kept crying out but what about my baby. It was a very difficult two Sundays after my miscarriage one was fast and testimony with people who had, had relatives died and the second was the Christmas one, the hymns both weeks were all about Families Can Be Together Forever, or Love at Home - my husband was away in the States getting his immigration sorted, that was all going wrong. It was the hardest one because I had felt that baby's spirit so close I knew he was a boy and his name would be Isaac (or other happy meaning). I couldn't understand when I knew the baby had, had a spirit why I had lost his body. I had a blessing following that that just explained it wasn't that baby's time we would have him as our son. We do have a son now but he isn't the first baby I lost - I just knew through the pregnancy and when he was born which left me quite depressed poor little Gabriel didn't have as attentive or good a Mum as he should have had, he does now but it took me awhile to truly fall in love with him - now he is my little boy and I adore him but I had to convince myself of that. Isaac will be with us at some stage.

With my first I know it sounds weird but I couldn't throw away the pads for weeks - I had been staying at a friends and packed them in a bag for another friend to bring back to my house, the friend had a fatal car accident on the way back to my house on Christmas Eve, which also brings weird feelings into play.

My second known miscarriage was a bit of a relief given it was at 12 weeks just 14 weeks after my daughter had been born, my third was awful again the baby died inside me I was in the US and most of it happened on the plane on the way back. For me their due dates are always quite hard and I am now superstitious the babies I had that miscarried were all conceived November/December and my 2 live ones in February (the ones that I lost all had due dates in the same week and my son and daughter had exactly the same due date)

I know the church teaches we should move on and accept the baby wasn't meant to be but that doesn't stop me grieving - I have bought each baby a sleepsuit and a blanket and as I had nicknamed my first pregnancy apple we planted an apple tree and I buried a box for them - it has helped me move on and I am now philosophical and try not to get attached to a pregnancy early on.

-Charley

[amylynn]

Charley,

Thank you so much for your reply, it was beautiful. So many LDS women go through the same thing, but not many of us talk about it. Even though talking is one of the things that promotes healing. I wonder if you will consider writing out your story for me to include in my book. I would be so honored if you would consider this. The blessing and impressions you've received could be of great comfort to other women. I know how difficult this is to do, please don't feel pressured. But if you do feel like this is something you could do please email me at [email protected]

Thanks

Amy

[Elgama]

sorry my email is broken - you can use anything you like - do you want it rewritten or a specific number of words etc?

-Charley

[amylynn]

Charley,

The format of the book I'm writing is like you've made a really good friend who knows nothing about your history, and you are sitting down to tell her all about it. The format others are using is loosely like this:

A little bit of background info (it doesn't have to be specific and we won't use your name if you feel uncomfortable with it).

The story of your loss(es).

How you coped, what worked, and what didn't. Who helped you the most, and who who wished had helped more (or less) :).

And finally what you learned, emotionally, physically, but most importantly spiritually. And what you might tell a sister who is going through this now.

I want each story to be in the Mom's own words and feelings. If you want to be anonymous we will change all the names. I'm so grateful for you being willing to do this. You've (and I) had experiences that can help other women who are struggling, lost, and losing faith. I feel so strongly about reaching out to other women who are suffering this loss and lifting them up.

Amy

[pushka]

Amy, your project or whatever other word is more relevant to use, is wonderful and I hope it is successful as it ought to bring great comfort to many parents.

[MorningStar]

I had one last year and now I'm pregnant again - 14 weeks along. It was my only one that I know of and I don't think I was very far at all. I hadn't even had it confirmed by a doctor yet. Then the bloodwork revealed that I had either had an early miscarriage or the pregnancy just didn't get far. It was such an emotional time for me and the timing couldn't have been worse. My husband's job was extremely stressful at the time and he couldn't stay home at all. I didn't have a break from the kids for about 2 weeks and I didn't really have a moment to think or relax.

[amylynn]

Thank you Morning Star for your reply. I'm so sorry for your loss. Any miscarriage is a loss, even an early one. I've sent you a pm with a couple of questions.

Amy

[ReliefSocietySister]

Amy,

I've sent you an email with other questions. How soon are you looking for these stories? I've had 3 miscarriages and each one has a special place in my heart. Would love to share something that may help others to cope. Also, a book I read that really helped was called "Gone Too Soon". I got it at Deseret Book. It has some doctrinal things that helped set my mind at ease.

RSS

[amylynn]

RSS,

I am so sorry for your losses, and very grateful you are willing to share. I am sending you an email with more info about this project. Also, thank you for the book recommendation. I've never seen that one so I will be on the lookout.

Thank you,

Amy

[Ray A]

After reading of the losses of women here it makes my experience seem rather minor, but I guess no stillbirth is minor. We had twin boys in December 1984, but one was stillborn. He perished at about the seven month mark, apparently cut off from oxygen by a twisted tube. He remained in the womb until the birth of the live twin, and we knew beforehand that he had perished. I saw his body, and they were identical twins. Part of his face was deformed, but otherwise he looked exactly like his brother, who is 23 years old today. I still think of "he who might have been", and I only need to look at my son to know what he would have looked like.

[amylynn]

Ray A,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure at the time it was not minor at all. My daughter died a week before I was induced to deliver her, I know how hard it was for me to carry her around that week. Wanting her to still be with me but knowing she was gone. It evokes some very tender, and painful, emotions. Every loss is significant and important. Would you be willing to write down you story for the project I'm working on? If you'd like a little more info before deciding I can email you a page with more on the book and suggestions for writing the story.

Thank you for sharing,

Amy

[Ray A]

Ray A,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure at the time it was not minor at all. My daughter died a week before I was induced to deliver her, I know how hard it was for me to carry her around that week. Wanting her to still be with me but knowing she was gone. It evokes some very tender, and painful, emotions. Every loss is significant and important. Would you be willing to write down you story for the project I'm working on? If you'd like a little more info before deciding I can email you a page with more on the book and suggestions for writing the story.

Thank you for sharing,

Amy

I've sent you an email Amy, and you can email me anytime you like. And I'm sorry to hear about your loss too, just a week before. That certainly would have been heart-rending.

I imagine my stillborn son would have been a lot like my live son, and I can only imagine what he would have got up to when I look at Josh, who is a bit of a "larrikin" (Oz term for irreverent). One time he poured ketchup over his head at school and pretended someone had hit him. Rushed to the emergency medical room at the school, they wiped the "blood" until it was revealed there were no scars. Apparently he put on an Oscar winning performance, groaning and all. The school principal rang me to complain about his behaviour, and I replied I'd give Josh "a good talking to", but when I hung up I burst into laughter. What could I say when he got home? Holding back the laughter I just said "don't do it again".

So in a way I experience vicariously what my stillborn son may have been like through Josh. But 23 years later I still feel that emptiness and loss when I think about it, and although I say I have five children, I really have six, and my children are the greatest source of happiness to me. I am proud of them, even when they ignore my advice. :)

[amylynn]

Thank you everyone who has emailed me. I so appreciate everyone's interest and willingness to share. If any of you have questions please feel free to email me with them. And I am still looking for stories if you know anyone who might feel comfortable sharing them.

Thank you so much!

Amy

[Hemidakota]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Amy and 8 months ago my daughter Daisy was stillborn. While I tried to work through my grief I noticed there is not much information for LDS women who are going through this. It's kind of a silent problem. I found comfort in online forums for miscarriage, but it's not the same as sharing these experiences with other women of your own faith. In light of that I've decided to put together a book of LDS (and Christian) women who have been through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal loss, or adoption loss. Those of you who have gone through it know that talking with other moms who have been there can be very healing. This is a chance to reach out to grieving moms and try to comfort. And also to provide a memorial to our little angels.

f you are interested in contributing your story please contact me at [email protected] for more information. In the eventuality that this book gets published everyone who shared their story will receive a free copy.

Please pray about this and if you feel prompted take this opportunity to help the healing process of other women.

Thank you,

Amy

Amy, my wife went through this crisis of losing a child. It is a tough event as parents, being a mother, a wife, during these moments of lost. As a husband and companion, I cannot express the lost for this unique spirit.

I pray that your husband will be there during these tender moments in your life, with guidance and support. I pray that your own ward, Bishopric and Relief Society have that capacity for a crying shoulder. It was for us.

For us, it took months from personal grieving over the lost.

We are here for you.

[amylynn]

Thank you for your kind words and sharing. I'm so glad that your wife had you and a supportive ward to help you through that difficult time. I'm especially trying to reach out to women who don't have that kind of support with this project. Too many women are going through this alone, or feel that they are alone because family does not know the best way to support them. It helps so much to be surrounded by people who love you and understand. If you feel comfortable I would love to email you more information on this project. If not, I understand. These stories are so personal and emotional. Thank you for taking the time to share and my sympathy to your wife. She's lucky to have you.

Amy

[mychildrensmother]

Its a great idea.

I have had 2 miscarriages that I know about. I didn't feel there is much support for woman in general LDS or not. Its such a hard thing to discuss I guess.

[amylynn]

Mychildrensmother,

Thank you for your comments. I'm so sorry for your losses. This isn't an easy thing to talk about but sometimes I think the real problem is it's not an easy thing to listen about! I know many mom's are willing even eager to talk about their angels but find no one receptive to listening. Which is sad because talking about it is a form of healing. Family members are often eager for you to "move on" and to be back to normal and are not open to listening. Thank you for your response. I'm sending you a PM.

Amy

[MaidservantX]

There are very few women who have NOT experienced a miscarriage or similar. Thank you for the subject. Have you considered starting a Group here on LDS.NET for that subject?

Groups » LDS Mormon Network

[amylynn]

It is a subject that touches most families eventually. Especially LDS families where the rate of having children is so much higher than the world at large.

I wasn't aware that you could start your own group on here. I'll take a look at it.

Amy

[dds_wifer]

Hi Amy, I am not sure if this post is still going but I recently experienced my second miscarriage and I am having a really hard time coping with the loss. My first miscarriage was unplanned and unknown until after the fact so I didn't really understand the connection you can feel with a pregnancy. Shortly after my first miscarriage my husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant. This proccess was far from easy (which I expected because it had been easy for all of my siblings). We tried for 11 months before I got pregnant. We were SO excited (and that is an understatement). I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant when I miscarried and it is so hard. It has only been two weeks since the awful thing happened and we are already on our journey to TTC again, but I am having a hard time coping! Any suggestions from any of you would be so helpful! Thanks, and my love to all of you!

[amylynn]

dds_wifer,

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Each loss is unique and difficult to deal with, and recurrent losses are especially hard.

My advice to you would be to give yourself time to grieve. In whatever way you feel necessary. Do not let people pressure you to "move on" or to "forget about" your baby. However early (or late) you miscarry you are still losing your baby. Also remember that people will want to comfort you and say kind things, but will almost always say something stupid. Try to remember the thought and not what they actually say.

The best thing I think anyone can do in this situation is to talk about it! People will want to hush hush this subject and sweep it under the rug but women need to express how they feel. I did this through my wonderful husband. Every time I felt sad when I saw another baby or a pregnant woman I would go to him and ask him to just hold me or listen to me cry for awhile. HE understood this was just something I needed to get out. Also I found a miscarriage forum to talk to other women who were going through the same thing. This is also very helpful when you are trying to get pregnant and after you get pregnant. Both of those experiences are changed by having a miscarriage.

If you want to visit the forum I use the link is

Miscarriage ? TTC ? Pregnancy ? Family ? Relationship Support • Index page

the forum is a little slow but the women there are wonderful. Also if you ever just need to talk to someone and feel that no one understands the pain that you feel, please email me. Women after a miscarriage often feel like the pain is eating them from the inside out and no one else even remembers that it happened. I hope you and your dh have good luck in getting pregnant again. My prayers are with you.

Amy

[email protected]

[farm_marm]

I had my first m/c at 21. I didn't know i was pregnant. After heavy bleeding for 6weeks. The light finally came on. But then I got pregnant immediately with my second child (he leaves for his mission in about a month!) It took 4 years to get pregnant again. Then 2 years for the next. I was coerced into having a tubal ligation by the medical staff. It took 7 years to have that reversed (NEVER ignore the Holy Ghost! He told me not to have the surgery). I got pregnant after 5 months of trying. I knew for 1 wk that I was pregnant before I m/c'd. I got pregnant two more times and have two beautiful little boys! Then I got pregnant again. We were sooo excited! Maybe this would be a girl! We have five boys and one girl. I enjoyed the Christmas season with my family. Then New Year's..then the bleeding started. I had a d/c to remove the baby on my Dad's birthday. I was devastated. I could not get the image of what the d/c entails out of my head. It was far worse for me than the actual death of my baby. The baby had died before Christmas at 10 weeks. I m/c'd at 15 wks. I got pregnant again. Just before Easter. I was less excited this time. I was more anxious and apprehensive. Again, at 15 weeks, I started spotting. Again, no heartbeat. Again u/s confirmed it. Again, the Dr. wanted me to do a d/c. This time I flat out said no. I told him I just couldn't go through that again. I had the m/c at home. It took a week and a half to pass the baby. There was pressure but no pain. I was surprised. What we didn't realize at that time was that I had not yet passed the placenta. It took another 9 days before that happened. When it did, I felt all the pain and then some, that I had previously been expecting. Our baby is buried under a special tree that I had already dubbed as my memorial tree for the first baby we lost after reversal surgery.

After this loss I decided to try and get in better health and lost 40 lbs. Then in Dec '10 started trying to get pregnant again. I felt ready physically and emotionally. I prayed. i went to the temple. I accepted a calling that I REALLY didn't want. I did all that was asked of me. Jan 1st i started my cycle. oh. joy. happy.new.year. But at the end of the month when my next cycle was due...it didn't happen. On groundhog day I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and excited. I went in for bloodwork, everything looked good. hormones are normal. Next visit we heard the heartbeat!!! Yay! I was 12 weeks. I felt like I could start to tell people the news. Of course closest friends and most of the family already knew. I went in yesterday for my second official visit. Urine sample needed. I found I was spotting. oh. no. not. again. PLEASE! I went in the exam room and said nothing about the pink spotting, I figured that if we heard a heartbeat I would just ignore it. We didn't find the heartbeat. I went for u/s. My Dr.s receptionist walked me down to the u/s office. She's soooo sweet! U/s confirmed there was no movement of any kind, no heartbeat. My baby had died. Again. It died at 12-13 weeks and I have just hit 16 weeks gestation.

My Dr. agreed to let me pass the baby at home. Barring any complications. I might have the d/c after the baby passes if I don't pass the placenta.

My 18 year old son was driving, he took me to lunch, then we went to Joann for a burial box. I bought a 4x4 and a 6x6 papier mache box. I'll use whichever works best. I'll make a pillow and a blanket for the baby's tiny body to rest on. Again.

I know that Heavenly Father has not forsaken me. That the Lord has felt my pain. I know that whichever way you want to believe it, that these spirits are sealed to our family and we'll be reunited again, or that the body wasn't perfect enough for the spirit to inhabit, that the spirit will come again to another body, it helps heal my heart. Eventually. It hurts tremendously right now. I'm trying to type through my tears, and have to keep going back to fix mistakes. Maybe for someone, just knowing that we as mother's all have these same feelings of grief, dissappointment and fears, my story will help someone else.

I hope that we can bring forth another spirit into this mortal world, to have and to hold. Not to bury and mourn. I pray for all of us to find the peace that we need.

Edited April 27, 2011 by farm_marm