Dealing with Inlaws who dislike you

[Misshalfway]

I am wondering if anyone has any good or even great advice with how to deal with difficult familial relationships...... primarily relations with the in laws.

I am referring to problems that cause deep woundedness and painful distance.

I would love to hear in site or scriptures or experiences that have hope attached to them in some way.

[NeuroTypical]

* In-laws have only the ability to hurt you that you allow them. (This is only true if your spouse is not evil, mentally ill, or immature.)

* Moving 600+ miles away cured 99% of my problems with my in-laws.

* If they support you financially in some way, you are their dependent child, and need to just buck it up and smile.

LM

[Elgama]

my husband said duck lol - seriously just keeping a distance is a good one basically my husband and Mother never meet

-Charley

[Misshalfway]

my husband said duck lol - seriously just keeping a distance is a good one basically my husband and Mother never meet

-Charley

lol!

[pixiemom]

If you've ever seen Dr. Phil he says that it's your husbands job to deal with his family. I use that as a rule of thumb. Basically you step back and let your husband deal with it, it's his family, it's his job. I have to agree that moving far away works wonders though!

[Misshalfway]

I have moved away. Although... I don't think it is far enough.

They just keep calling. And I keep avoiding and feeling guilty. Oh well.

Love the advice from you, Pixiemom! Thanks. My inlaws don't get what they want from him and so they come pumping me for info or whatever. I am working on not getting caught in their games. And working on healing after all the painful years.

[Alaskagain]

I am (or have been) a daughter in law, mother in law, sister in law. Some detest(ed) me, some love(d) me, some tolerate(d) me.

Parents need to let go at the appropriate time. This does not mean they no longer have contact with their child. This means they allow for marital decisions and responsibilities to take precedence in their child's life. (Same goes for siblings. )

If my married children come to my house with their spouses and start talking about their personal problems, I will give my opinion and offer my advice even if they don't ask me for it. I don't insist they follow my advice, I merely offer it. Getting another viewpoint might help in their working out the problems.

If my married children come to my house without their spouses and start talking about their personal problems, I direct them back to their spouse for further discussion, unless there is a factor of personal safety or danger to children involved.

If my married children don't want my advice or opinion, they should not bring up their personal problems in my presence, especially in my home. They know this.

If I am at the homes of my married children, I try to emphasize everything positive, and say thank you a lot.

If my inlaws seem to be too preoccupied with the details of my life with their loved one, I try to gently remind them of the natural order of precedence which relationships should follow (according to me)- spouse, children, parents, siblings. I allow for ebb and flow, due to illness or other hardship, offering temporary fluctuations in priorities. I try to say things like "Joe and I discussed this, and we agreed that . . . " or, "Joe wants it done this way, and since he is my husband and I love him dearly, that is the way I am doing this. You are such a great (father, mother, sister) for worrying about us! "

We are one big family, we just all need our particular space!

(I must admit, though, there are a couple of people I am very glad are no longer my in-laws.)

[Palerider]

this is why I say they stopped Poligamy......think of all the Mother in Law's ......wow!!!!!!!....thats enough to make anyone stop.....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[skalenfehl]

this is why I say they stopped Poligamy......think of all the Mother in Law's ......wow!!!!!!!....thats enough to make anyone stop.....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought about that!!

Good thing my mother in law loves me.

[SmilingRedhead]

I never thought about that!!

Good thing my mother in law loves me.

Awww, who couldn't love you Skalen!?

I have great In-Laws. (They pay me to say that...hahaha)

No, in all honesty I do love them to bits, even though I don't agree with everything my MIL tells me 'is the way to do things'...

I have never argued with her - even when our views have differed very much.

I don't want to cause awkwardness and contention when we're together so I just say "Yeah, I can see what you mean. I might consider that." (albeit with a forced smile and gritted teeth...) And then I just keep doing what me and my hubby think is best...

[Misshalfway]

Oh you guys are so funny. Thanks for the belly laugh, Palerider!

I haven't really told the saga story.....and I don't think I will. I will say though that my heart has been so very broken over the events of the past two years. So many painful events. I don't know why family troubles hurt so badly, but they do. I love my in laws deeply. But I have my boundaries too. It is hard for me to accept that perhaps they never will love me. Maybe that can be ok.....later when my heart isn't broken anymore.

I am grateful for what I am learning. And at the end of the day, when the suffering is over, I am sure I will feel like it was all benevolent. But for now, I am searching for comfort. Anybody have a chocolate pie?

[NeuroTypical]

I don't have any chocolate pie, just the hard cold granite of reality.

There is no "end of the day" with in-law troubles. Peace and appropriate relationships don't just fall out of the sky - you have to make them happen. If you do not take concrete action - you - yourself - then expect an unending river of what you're getting right now.

You talk about having boundaries - I'd like to suggest that there's a critical problem with them. You're either not enforcing them (making them speed bumps), or they're in the wrong place (making them useless, as they do not help bring you peace and happiness). Because the thing about boundaries, when they are real and in the right places, they work. And they're obviously not working for you.

I'm sure you have a very long and detailed story about all the ills and unrighteous things you've suffered at their hands. But at the end of the day, you are the one that keeps picking up the phone, or inviting them over, or showing up for the event. You complain about 2 years of painful events, but you are the one who has spent the last 2 years placing yourself right smack dab in the right place to have them land on you.

I don't mean to sound hard. I'm giving you the same response that my wife and I finally had to give ourselves. It's obviously not what anyone wants to hear, but it's the best advice I can give. Maybe I'm wrong about what you want out of this thread. Maybe you just want to vent and have sympathy. Venting is important, and a comforting word or gesture is a great thing. But you started this thread asking for advice, so I'm giving you advice.

I'll restate what I said at the beginning of this thread. * In-laws have only the ability to hurt you that you allow them. (This is only true if your spouse is not evil, mentally ill, or immature.)

LM

[Misshalfway]

You speak sound principles, LMM. I wish I was in a better frame of mind to receive them without tears. I wish I could show you how I have practiced what you speak...

Most of the time, I love the sound voice of reason cutting thru the fray of emotion. But, if it is ok, I will listen to your wonderful advise tomorrow. For today, though, I think I will find a warm blanket somewhere and pray for friendship and strength to keep trying.

Thank you. For speaking to me straight, though.

[NeuroTypical]

There is quite a bit of value in seeking out comforting words and shoulders to cry on. It's not always appropriate to focus only on how to fix concrete reality.

You mentioned chocolate pie - maybe it's just me, but I prefer a box of fiddle-faddle. The ones with peanuts.

LM

[Misshalfway]

pass that fiddle faddle!

........and thank you.

[Alaskagain]

Fiddle faddle is good! Miss, here is my blankie and teddy bear too!

[Elgama]

LOL I actually think learning to laugh about it is important, my husband has an appalling relationship with my Mum, she treats him very badly and we didn't speak for 3 years. Things like discussing the letter bomb he is gonna send her and calling her funny names and my Dad Skinflint seem to help him cope. He also lets me deal with my Mum,

We have also been honest and told Ellie that Granny and Daddy don't get on and she is starting to give Granny a difficult time over it.

Me learning to stand upto my Mum has helped and never discussing our problems with her which is very hard as I am actually quite close to her an the rest of our relationship is very open.

-Charley

[Misshalfway]

Good thing my mother in law loves me.

Salt in the wound.

[Traveler]

I have perhaps the worse mother-in-law on the planet. One time when we were having a discussion about my wife’s and my children I told her if she had a problem with the children she could leave our home. She responded that she would treat children any way she wanted and that there was nothing I could do and that I could not make her leave until she was ready. I then went to the phone and called 911 and told them to please send the police before a domestic dispute turned violent. I then turned to my mother-in-law and said that unless she wanted to spend the night in jail she would be gone before the police arrived.

My advice. If you have something to say about you in-laws, say it to them not anybody else. Do not be rude and vindictive. Do not make threats – if you are going to do something then do it. Then on the other hand, be forgiving and kind if you make an error then error of the side of compassion. Always be the first to say you are sorry, even if they are wrong. Be kind and mean it. Never do anything for yourself but to protect your wife and children. Never make it a you against them thing. Make sure they understand your devotion to your spouse and children. If you are worthy of their criticism then take it and be sorry for it. If you are not worthy of their criticism then their opinion does not matter anyway. As I already said do not make a big deal about yourself or your feelings.

I get along with my mother-in-law better than any of her children. Most likely she will have to live her last days in my home because none of her children will care for her and she and her husband have no means to take care of themselves. And she is the mother of my wife that I love more than life.

The Traveler

[StrawberryFields]

I am wondering if anyone has any good or even great advice with how to deal with difficult familial relationships...... primarily relations with the in laws.

I am referring to problems that cause deep woundedness and painful distance.

I would love to hear in site or scriptures or experiences that have hope attached to them in some way.

I can't imagine what they would have against you; you are a wonderful woman as far as I can tell. Have you ever tried to get at the root of their problem with you? Many times people act out as if the true issue did not exist because it is easier to but the blame "there".

Deep-rooted emotions are what spring us into action like jealousy can be made to look completely different. Many years ago my husband and I joined into a partnership with one of his missionary companions and his wife. We took on the job for promoting a local artist and traveled to art shows promoting his work. We did quite well from everything I could see; we laughed, traveled, and even had our families take outing together. About 8 years into these relationships, out of what I felt was out of the blue, the wife verbally assaulted me in a way, which no one had ever done. She told me that for years she had been tolerating me and she was done with me and didn't ever want to see me again.

After the initial shock was over I went into a deep, dark, depression and turned a lot of pain inward. I asked to be released from a calling working with the young women because apparently I was so awful. I withered and melted into a very dark hole. My husband said things to me like just shrug it off, don't let this bother you, etc, etc, which wasn't what I needed either. I went to see a doctor who listened to me, really listened to what I was saying and hearing the whole story. He explained to me that sometimes because of jealously, people make themselves into a victim to get out of a relationship. Our husbands were missionary companions and the two of us were thrown into this partnership and it was her and I who really ran it because our husbands were actually making real money at real jobs. My husband was being very blessed in his career at this time and her husband was struggling jumping from job to job. The part that really got to her was when her husband went to work for my husband. This is something she had created as a problem because we never made a big deal about it. Once I was helped to understand that there are raw emotions, which set people into actions it, has helped me to look at what really drives people and once you know what the true problem is it easier to decide what to do.

Communication is key but first you need to have at least two people who want to seek understanding.

[Misshalfway]

I am going to be honest....I am not really sure what they have against me either. No one will talk to me. I have tried over the last two years (it has been a cold war) to reach out, apologize, negotiate, etc. All attempts have been ignored or have turned into more painful reactions. There are a lot of issues on the table.....family system issues and control issues and other more personal issues. I have come to believe that they need someone to blame....a scapegoat....and I seem to be their choice. They blame me for my husband's choices. What can I do about that? There is also lots of denial and lots of pretending that their are no problems. If I bring it up......then I am the one who "hasn't gotton over it." But none of us have really communicated straight about any of the issues.....not to resolution anyway.

It all started when I wrote a letter. My marriage was in trouble and there was some very unkind remarks. I asked that the remarks stop and for there to be more understanding about the pain and difficulty we were facing. It wasn't an unkind letter. It was firm, though. I was careful about my wording. It felt like the words came to me from the Spirit. I thought it might open the dialogue....at least it felt good to be honest. I have never been forgiven for writing that letter. Every attempt at healthy communication since then has been stifled.

At this point, my heart is broken. I don't know what to do next. I think Heavenly Father understands it is not really my fault. He has helped me see my weakness....and I have tried to repent. More importantly though, I think HF has been helping me to embrace my strengths as I learn to erect stronger boundaries. Which feels really good......but inspires quite a backlash and lots of subtle quiet punishment. Whatever I do I lose. They make sure that I lose. I try to keep my boundaries strong. I let my husband deal with them. I keep myself out of the fray. But....it seems at this point like a stale mate. I am sad that we can't resolve this for the benefit of all. So we all are winners. So we all understand one another. Maybe someday.....

[Misshalfway]

There is a lot of issues on the table. I think they need someone to blame and I am an easy target. I am pretty good at calling a spade a spade, and speaking that honestly just isn't done. Neither is asking them to respect boundaries. Those things aren't Christlike and so therefore.....I am next on their list to be flogged! J/K.

It has been a cold war the last two years. Lots of denial about the underlying problems and about the new problems that have arisen as the old problems have surfaced. I know a lot of people struggle with the spouses their kids choose. I just thought they loved me for 8 years. Come to find out it was that surface stuff. Their real feelings have come out and it didn't feel very good to hear. Nor did it feel very good to have untruths spread to the far winds. But I guess there are a lot of people who deal with stuff like that. I am learning to let go of my wishes for something different.

We got an email the other day telling us in a round about way that we were bad parents because we didn't do what the MIL wanted. It is getting quite exhausting and doesn't look like there is an end in sight. We have tried to many times and in a variety of different ways to move to forgiveness and peace. My apologies are either ignored or I am told that I am lying. What is a girl to do? It is painful. And very sad. It is like they need to continue the belief that I am the enemy. It seems to justify them. I think getting honest about their participation is too threatening for them.

[NeuroTypical]

It is like they need to continue the belief that I am the enemy.

So, back at the start of this month, I posted some rather strong words about how you were at least partially responsible for this situation. You replied back:

You speak sound principles, LMM. I wish I was in a better frame of mind to receive them without tears. I wish I could show you how I have practiced what you speak...

Most of the time, I love the sound voice of reason cutting thru the fray of emotion. But, if it is ok, I will listen to your wonderful advise tomorrow. For today, though, I think I will find a warm blanket somewhere and pray for friendship and strength to keep trying.

Thank you. For speaking to me straight, though.

So, it's tomorrow. You've had your warm blanket, your chocolate pie, and your fiddle-faddle. Are you ready to go fix this situation so you're not locked into a constant cycle of being hurt and insulted?

LM

[Misshalfway]

OK LM, lay it on me. What am I doing wrong?

[NeuroTypical]

OK LM, lay it on me. What am I doing wrong?

Ok - here comes. Both barrells - brace yourself.

I don't know if you're doing anything wrong or not - it's really up to you to decide. When I come across someone with "a lot of issues on the table", who "need someone to blame", who get ticked off when someone calls "a spade a spade", who can't "respect boundaries", who react to people with a closer understanding of what it's like to be Christlike by putting them "next on their list to be flogged", who avoid solving issues by waging "cold war", who have "lots of denial about the underlying problems and about the new problems", who don't love me - just act in superficial ways, who spread untruths, who tell us we're "bad parents", who exhaust me, who will never change, who ignore my apologies or call me a liar, who "need to continue the belief that I am the enemy"; well, when I meet people like that, I don't form close relationships with them. Or I put distance between me and them. But apparently, you would just like to sit there and continually suffer their abuses and surround yourself with sympathetic people.

Hey - it's your choice. I'm just not interested in being sympathetic, since this is the life you are choosing for yourself.

If you decide to quit being a victim, hey, I'm all over the sympathy stuff, as taking such a road can be rocky. But right now, you're content to be abused and then gripe about it, and then go back to more abuse, and then gripe some more, and then again with the abuse and the griping. Count me out of your support system - I'd be breaking the Golden Rule.

LM