Need advice, infdelity,domestic violence and kids

[Jessica123]

I have never been on a forum like this but would like some feed back.

I have been married for 10 years a few years back I found out my husband had an affair. He was addicted to porn prior to acting out. He was x'd and I left him for a few years. Things got better and we got back together. kids later and finding text messages from a girl from our ward. I was sick. He also has a friend he text's at his work.

Ive been sick over this. He act's as if no big deal.

I confronted him and said I will not ulter my standerds for him and I know it is wrong to have friends of the oppisite sex. He states he has such a hard time having male friends because they tell their wives everything. He did stop the text thing with the girl from our ward. But the tention was building and I did say I was going to his work to find out who this girl was and ask her to stop texting a married man. she is mormon also. That night he beat me. I had him arrested the next day and there is a no contact order in place. I have had countless blessings and feel peace. I loved conference and loved ballards talk esp because it is so what my husband does not do. Now I ask not having a court date untill a few months from now and not being able to see him. How will I know this is over or do I forgive and move on. Bishop's say things can work out but can they really. I have been through so much and have so much healing to do. I want to do the right thing and I wish a bishop could just say leave this man. I go between justice and mercy as he will face church disapline after court stuff but how will I know what I should do? feed back please. anyone ever been in the same type of problem before? I also wonder if this man is narsisistic? Seems as if he is never happy and blames his non progression in the church on me. What is one to do???

[Guest GreenMum]

First, let me say... I feel awful for you and the situation you are in. It must be difficult.

With that said...

I know it is wrong to have friends of the oppisite sex

Where is this information coming from? Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex! I am friends with all his old roommates from when we were dating, ect... I find the above statement silly. As long as it is a platonic friendship, there is nothing wrong with having a friend, male or female!

[scott1971]

Is he remorseful of his actions? LDS Family Services have counseling resources you could use. Pray to Heavenly Father and ask him for guidance and direction, let the Spirit tell you what must be done.

[ruthiechan]

Go with him to a psychiatrist. He very possibly has a physiological problem in the functioning of his brain. Violence, impulsivity, blaming others, never happy, porn addiction, and since you got back together prior to this turn of events, I bet he feels awful for behaving badly.

Has he ever had a head injury? Even a minor one? That can mess up brain functioning as well. I recommend you purchase the book "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" by Dr. Daniel G. Amen.

At the very least read these stub chapters. They are short and highly informative. You may find something there that can help your husband be the person he wants to be.

Brain SPECT Scans, Brain Images, ADD, ADHD, OCD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Autism, Anxiety

[MichaelPAGuy]

If you feel truly in your heart that things can't be worked out, maybe it is time then to end the marriage. Nobody, male or female should ever have to go through physical violence. Sometimes a leopard can change it's spots, then again, sometimes it can't. You should find somebody who truly cherishes you for who you are, 100%.

[PapilioMemnon]

First, I'd like to say I'm really sorry for your situation...

A Bishop can listen, talk, guide, but he'll never make the choice for you; that's something you must do to grow in making right choices with the knowledge the Lord gives you.

I'm sure Heavenly Father is aware of your situation... One thing I learned about asking the Lord for guidance is to make a decision and take it to Him in prayer. Cry out to him, pour out your feelings,... He WILL answer you, and you'll know if your decision is approved by Him or not. Study carefully D&C 9:7-9.

He WILL let you know, then you can make whatever decision certain that you have HIS approval.

I hope this helps somehow... you're in my prayers!!!

Be well!

[SMG]

I am not the most forgiving woman that God has ever made. Please take my opinion with a grain of salt. That being said, here is what I think:

I read your post and I believe that for your own personal safety, and more importantly, the safety of your children, that you need to get away from this man. Divorcing him or not should be a choice only made after much prayer and consideration. But if you ask me, you should be gone YESTERDAY.

He blamed you for his shortcomings or "non-progression" in the church. He's had an affair. You said yourself, he acts as if it is nothing. HE PHYSICALLY HURT YOU. When is this cycle going to stop? What if he lashes out at your children next?

A good father does not hurt the mother of his children. A good husband does not cheat cheat on his wife. A good father/husband does not blame other people for his own personal shortcomings. A good father/husband loves his wife and treats her with respect. Has he done that? Is he honestly willing to seek and stick to a treatment program to deal with his problems?

If it were me, I'd be taking the children and moving far far away, as in to the opposite side of the country if possible! But as I said, I'm not terribly forgiving. I've seen too many of my aunts and female cousins stay in abusive relationships that go from bad to worse. Year after year, I'd see a cousin or an aunt coming to a family get-together wearing WAY too much making up and KNOW she was trying to hide the latest bruise(s) her husband or boyfriend gave her. I have no kindness in my heart for men who willfully hurt the women who love them the most.

[sixpacktr]

PM is right--the Bishop will never tell you what to do regarding staying married or getting divorced. Marriage is a sacred thing, and not to be ended lightly, but I gotta say, given what you've said (porn addiction, texting people of the opposite sex regularly, then beating you) I'd get out and get out now. Just my 2 cents. He doesn't treasure you, and hasn't gotten over the behavior that led to your first breakup. The escalatoin to beating you is beyond the pale...

[Flyonthewall]

Jessica, I am so sorry about your circumstances. I wish no one would have such heartache.

Your Bishop will counsel you on options and things but will not run your life. I think he stated that things could work out, because the opposite is very obvious.

Things can work out, but both of you need to be on the same page and full willing to work things out. Christ can heal all wounds. Plead with the Lord for direction in this matter.

That being said, I will put a disclaimer out here that I am not a proffesional and am very simplistic in my outlook on things. I don't know your husband from anyone else in the world, but it looks like he has escalated his behavior in the wrong direction.

His non-progression in the church is his own doing, not yours. Did he blame you for the violence too? He needs help, and bad!

You have grounds for ending your marriage to him, and be justified beyond measure. But seek the Lord for His counsel, and you won't go wrong.

[Silver Girl]

My Dear Sister In The Gospel...

10 years ago, I could have written your post... I was in a terriblly abusive marriage... My ex-husband was a self medicating bipolor, with his favorite "medications" being alcohol, meth, adultry and porn... He was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive... He committed adultry at least 10 or 12 times that I know of... There were probably more... I heard terrible rumors, and found terrible evidence!!

I prayed and prayed to know the will of the Lord, as to whether I should or shouldn't divorce him... Father withheld that answer until I MADE A CHOICE... I decided I could not take any more, and that I have to divorce him, or go crazy... As soon as I made that decision, I was filled with an overwhelming peace...

After one evening of domestic violence, I filed for a Protective Order, and filed for divorce... I took parenting classes and got therapy to help me get over the abuse... And I walked my own path of repentance... I never felt closer to my Heavenly Father, and my children and I began to heal and thrive... I was lonely, and never expected to remarry, but I came to one important conclusion... There are worse things than being alone, and being married to him was one of them... I decided I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be abused one more day!!

I was tired and sometimes lonely, but mostly happy for the next 2 years... Then I met the man of my dreams... My hubby was a recent convert to the Church, who loved the Lord and honored his Priesthood... He loved and cherished me and my kids... We married 6 years ago, and I have never been happier... We have seen many hard times, but we always work through them together... To this day, we have never had a fight... We support each other in parenting, church callings, employment... You name it...

Sister... I cannot tell you what to do... Only the Lord can guide and direct you... I can only tell you this: YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED... YOU DESERVE TO BE SAFE AND NEVER ABUSED... YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A MARRIAGE WITH A LOYAL AND HONORABLE PREISTHOOD HOLDER... Can this man provide you with this??

With all my warm thoughts and prayers,

Silver Girl

[NeuroTypical]

my husband had an affair.

text messages from a girl from our ward.

That night he beat me. I had him arrested the next day and there is a no contact order in place.

Bishop's say things can work out but can they really.

So, have you actually talked to your Bishop about this, or are you just assuming you know what he'd say?

If the latter, I urge you to go find out for sure. I have a hard time seeing my bishop saying something stupid like "oh, just forgive and forget - everything will work out."

You have a duty and a responsibility to protect your children from the evils of the world. Sounds like you may have picked the wrong guy to help you do that, and they need to be protected from his choices and actions.

LM

[pushka]

I just want to add my support regarding your situation, Jessica. My mum was physically abused for 27 years of her marriage..she never left my dad and they're sort of okay now he's older and less aggressive, but the scars run deep from his abuse, not only in my mum but in me and my siblings too..

No woman deserves to be bullied, abused, blamed for things that are not her fault, or have their partners commit adultery...

No child deserves to witness these things being done to their mother...

I hope you have the strength and support to do the right thing for yourself and your children..

[Sister_M]

I am in a similar situation- I'm not sure if you've read my posts but I joined here in Feb seeking support because my husband had recently told me he no longer wanted anything to do with the church. Aside from that though he has combat related PTSD which causes him to be emotionally abusive (though would never acknowledge it). I am holding on to that hope that our marriage will endure this but in the meantime I am keeping myself and my kids in a situation that probably isn't the healthiest. It's a difficult situation without any clear cut solutions. I agree with others in saying that you can talk to your bishop, to us here and others but nobody will really be able to tell you what to do. Listen to yourself and that "still, small voice" and don't let fear control you. I'm telling you the things I tell myself, but still find hard to do. There are many women here who have gone through this kind of thing or know someone who has so please know you aren't alone. Everyone else here is really supportive, there is strength in numbers so just keep talking it out, you will know what to do when the time is right.

[ruthiechan]

"There are no throw away people." -Judith Carroll

[NeuroTypical]

"There are no throw away people." -Judith Carroll

Maybe not, but there most certainly are 'get away from me and my kids right now or I'll have you arrested again' people. We just need to balance our duty to love, forgive, and possibly help them, with our duty to not expose ourselves and our children to harm.

LM

[Sister_M]

Yes, I TOTALLY agree that there are no throw away people but often times people dishing out the abuse don't see it that way. There is always an opportunity to work things out from a distance and a safe environment if both people want to and are able to work through whatever they are going through.

[Heather]

Ruthie, will you define what you mean by that? I don't think anyone has suggested that any person is a throw away.

Jessica,

Only you and your Heavenly Father know what's best for you. If you pray about it and you have felt peace in your decision, then you know you've made the right one. No one has the right to tell you to try and work out a marriage with an abuser and a cheater, and no one has the right to demand that you leave him. Ultimately you and your children are the ones who have to live with the consequences of each action, so it should be you deciding what consequences are the best for you and your children.

[ruthiechan]

Many are telling her to just leave him. She obviously believes there is some worth in him otherwise she never would have gotten back together with him. She was also a bit extreme and paranoid about him simply having female friends. Her paranoia did not help him.

He will not become the person he wants to be if he does not get care. He very likely has problems with his temporal lobes (hence the violence and other mentioned issues) and needs MEDICAL care, and the only way to get that is to go to psychiatrist who understands that, which is why I originally talked about it in my first post in this thread and gave some reading for the OP to do, to help her better understand what's going on. amenclinics.com/bp/atlas.

I am not saying have him back in the house, I'm saying get him the medical help he needs so he can at the very least be a good father and role model for his kids, and hopefully also a good husband. Even if they do not get back together, either by direction of the Spirit or personal choice, he'll still have the same problems and won't be a good father unless some sort of intervention occurs.

The OP is the only person who can help him right now by asking the law to require him to be medically treated for his problems. They will likely agree. I hope and pray she listens to what I am saying and reads the material I gave her. How is she to make the right decision if there's a chance she doesn't have all the knowledge required to make that decision? If he has a problem in his brain function (and I suspect he does) he will not work right. He can not. It is an impossibility. If your brain does not work right then you will not work right. And if this is indeed the case with him it needs to be found out before any final decision is made, otherwise she could very well be making a mistake and even cheating her children out of a decent father (which is very important even if they do not stay together in the end).

Yes, she absolutely does need to pray about this, and to pray for herself as well so she can be calm and filled with the spirit of discernment to guide her in all the surrounding issues that will be occurring (as I know all this affects the family dynamics and how her children behave etc). Simply divorcing him is not the answer, because it's not that simple.

[Sister_M]

Ruthie- I absolutely agree that if this man needs help he deserves it and that it likely could be a medical issue, whether Jessica is in the house with him or not doesn't really matter as long as she and the kids are safe. I think in these situations the major problem lies in these men (or women in some cases) not being able to see they need professional psychiatric or medical help. This issue has a lot of shades of grey, it's certainly not just black and white or easy to understand. Thanks for coming back and clarifying. Take care.

[Jessica123]

Thank you all for your post's this has helped more than you know. I will be prayerful I do feel peace and have since he has not been here. That part feels so awsome and under amazing strain I feel peace. With his addiction history and all he talks of is sex and how he needs it all the time to end up with having female friends I know just is wrong Esp when the text's were talking about us our problems and how unhappy he is. BIG RED FLAG!!! I will pray fast and I have a very close relationship with my FH so there for I will make a decision and be blessed for it. I dont want to put my kids through any more. My son came to me last night and said mom do you remember that trip a few years ago when dad said I wish you were dead? I said yes but I have not thought about it in a long time. He than asked do you think dad would ever kill you. That's the damage this has done on my kids and I can hardly stand that I have stayed this long. Thank you again for your support and love

[ruthiechan]

*hugs* You and yours are in my prayers.

[Jessica123]

You don't understand the magnitude of his problems and I have not shared every detail. Having that said I believe it is wrong in our situation that he have female friends. He has an addiction and the thrill to him is starting new relationships in his text's he talks of his unhappiness and shares details of things I say. She one day wrote him that they should not text because her husband has her phone and she doesn't want him finding out. Finding out what? Im not sure he is not having an affair with her but from past I know how he works. He beat me for getting to nosesy. I have not seen him and weeks and I feel peace to me that goes to say that he does need big time help.

[Jessica123]

Greenmum,

You don't understand the magnitude of his problems and I have not shared every detail. Having that said I believe it is wrong in our situation that he have female friends. He has an addiction and the thrill to him is starting new relationships in his text's he talks of his unhappiness and shares details of things I say. She one day wrote him that they should not text because her husband has her phone and she doesn't want him finding out. Finding out what? Im not sure he is not having an affair with her but from past I know how he works. He beat me for getting to nosesy. I have not seen him and weeks and I feel peace to me that goes to say that he does need big time help.

[scott1971]

Jessica....my thoughts and prayer are with you and your family.

Brotherly Love,

Scott

[Silver Girl]

Many are telling her to just leave him. She obviously believes there is some worth in him otherwise she never would have gotten back together with him. She was also a bit extreme and paranoid about him simply having female friends. Her paranoia did not help him.

He will not become the person he wants to be if he does not get care. He very likely has problems with his temporal lobes (hence the violence and other mentioned issues) and needs MEDICAL care, and the only way to get that is to go to psychiatrist who understands that, which is why I originally talked about it in my first post in this thread and gave some reading for the OP to do, to help her better understand what's going on. amenclinics.com/bp/atlas.

I am not saying have him back in the house, I'm saying get him the medical help he needs so he can at the very least be a good father and role model for his kids, and hopefully also a good husband. Even if they do not get back together, either by direction of the Spirit or personal choice, he'll still have the same problems and won't be a good father unless some sort of intervention occurs.

The OP is the only person who can help him right now by asking the law to require him to be medically treated for his problems. They will likely agree. I hope and pray she listens to what I am saying and reads the material I gave her. How is she to make the right decision if there's a chance she doesn't have all the knowledge required to make that decision? If he has a problem in his brain function (and I suspect he does) he will not work right. He can not. It is an impossibility. If your brain does not work right then you will not work right. And if this is indeed the case with him it needs to be found out before any final decision is made, otherwise she could very well be making a mistake and even cheating her children out of a decent father (which is very important even if they do not stay together in the end).

Yes, she absolutely does need to pray about this, and to pray for herself as well so she can be calm and filled with the spirit of discernment to guide her in all the surrounding issues that will be occurring (as I know all this affects the family dynamics and how her children behave etc). Simply divorcing him is not the answer, because it's not that simple.

BUT... And this is a BIG BUT... (Please note: I am saying this in a humble and loving way, do not read with an angry overtone!!)...

You cannot "force" someone to get treatment... And, I can tell you from experience, the law will NOT force him to get treatment unless he is a danderous and violent ciminal... Simply looking at porn, lying, cheating and a couple of domestic violence charges are not going to be enough to "force" him to get treatment by the courts...

You say the OP was a bit paranoid in not wanting her husband to have female friends... No, I can assure you, she is not paranoid... He has an addiction to porn, flirting and adultry... What if it were a different addiction?? Would a little Meth be ok for a junkie?? Would a few beers be ok for an alcoholic?? Would just a few hours at the casino be ok for a gambling addict?? See what I mean?? And besides... In a loving relationship, a person takes their spouse's feelings into account... When my hubby and I got married, he asked me if I would be offended to have Sister Naomi ( a beautiful woman with a voice to match) sing at our wedding... He was afraid I would be offended... I was touched!!

You also say the OP is the ONLY one who can help him right now... No, she is not.... HE is the only one who can help him right now... If he refuses to listen to her... If he refuses to seek treatment, there is nothing she can do... And for you to say that she is the only one who can help him puts an unrealistic bruden on her shoulders... SHE is not responsible for his action or inactions, and she cannot help him unless he will help himself...

I am not saying she should "throw him away" or divorce him tommorrow... I am saying, she cannot know what is in his heart... She needs to ask the Lord where to go from here... After all... The Lord ( and ONLY the Lord) looketh on the heart!!

With No Anger, And Loving Kindness To All Posters,

Silver Girl