skippy740

This one's not a joke. But if you don't feel good after reading this... well just read it. You'll like it. A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like a jerk." "So He sent me." SEMPER FI

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am." replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am." replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong on the wall with a mallet hanging underneath it. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his doubting friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering hit and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot ...it's three-fifteen in the morning!'

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' ------------------------------------------------------ Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $ .38 Saying the right thing, at the right time… PRICELESS!!!!!

Yes! I agree with this! Something that we can do is discuss political issues with an LDS perspective as well as other perspectives (moral, ethical, economical, etc.). While I would guess that the vast majority on the board are Republican/Conservative, I'd like to get the insight of those who are LDS and Democrat/Liberal. (Even though I'm the assistant treasurer in my county's Republican Central Committee!) I would like to learn and have my mind opened!

Naomi3, I didn't sense that anybody was being ridiculed. And I KNOW that I act like an old fuddy-duddy myself (and that works for me). I posted my original post because I knew that SOMEONE out there would share my point of view. Just because I may want to cut myself off from the rest of the world every October 31st doesn't mean that I'm telling you to do it too. Let's not try to take everybody so seriously. I'll try to do the same. (I think that we as LDS people tend to make things more serious than they should be.)

Letter writing on a mission will bring out more substance... or a "Dear John" letter in return. It's amazing what a mission will do to a relationship when the only way you can communicate is through written correspondence.

Active faith is better than bias and sometimes even better than truth. Truth = concept / philosophy. Bias = your opinion Active faith = actions based on your biases of truth!

Stupid paegan holiday. I don't know why we (as a family) even bother. Is it just me, or is holloween all about celebrating scary things, ghosts and evil spirits (and the evil spirit in teenagers who go rampant in the neighborhood) to go begging door to door?!? And if you don't have anything good to give away, your house gets egged! Leave a light on to enjoy some TV, and your door gets knocked and rang on all night long. Let's just call it what it is: Teaching our kids how to become a professional BEGGER and blackmailer! It's the stupidest blackmail joke going on, and we're all the victims of it - and all the candy companies benefit! (Okay, so do dentists - I feel a little better about that.) The mantra: "Give us candy or we'll egg your house and smash your pumpkin!" (Heaven help your black cat if you have one!) Yes, I'm the holloween party pooper. I've just never liked the "holiday". However, I will be dragged (kicking and screaming I'm sure) to our ward holloween "Trunk or Treat". I'll have to get a good T-Shirt that says "This IS my costume. Get over it!" End of rant. I feel better now.

Not to mention THEMSELVES! The most important person a missionary needs to bring closer to the Lord is themselves. Serving a mission is a great opportunity. There are many blessings for those being taught, those who are teaching, and those who SENT the missionary (wards & families).

JHM - Thanks for your post. We're here for you. I also share Tamrajh's concern for you. I'm not sure that being around elderly and disabled people would be all that much better? I would find that more depressing, but that's me. Your bishop shouldn't "ask" you what he can do. He just needs to decide what to do for you and do it. This isn't a question that can easily be asked by the person who is feeling like they aren't fitting in. In this case, action (any action) speaks much louder than well-intentioned words. Even if there WAS something you could've thought of, you'd just dismiss it as "another way for them to get me active again". Just my opinion. I'm here for you. You also admitted to suffering from depression... so just admit this to yourself and recognize it. Bountiful (the way you're describing it) might not be all that great compared to what you have now. One of the biggest challenges in life is this: "Be content with what you have while in pursuit of what you want." - Jim Rohn If it were me, I'd be looking for ways to enjoy life NOW and enjoy life LATER. There's no time to be miserable... so make the best of it all! We're here for ya!

I'm a financial advisor as well! Nothing like the stress of helping to control the financial destinies of clients with their money in a method of investing in an economy that we have absolutely NO control over. But I digress. Anyway, back to the OT... Remember that your job is to SELL on the reasons why this position would be a better fit than the previous job. If it were me, I wouldn't hide my reasons, but I'd put a great spin on it. For example: I'm a hard worker, dedicated and quick on my feet. I know how to handle and diffuse almost any situation. ("Almost" is to show some humility and get the idea across that you're not full of yourself.). I am looking at this position as I feel that I would enjoy my work better by being on a TEAM that can work WITH me in this field. To work with a team that SHARES in the responsibility, we can all work more efficiently and enjoy our work ... and thereby increase the quality of our work and life. I currently don't have that in my current position. And somethings are just more important than money, power or prestige. Just my thoughts.

And all 3 to be late and 1 to bring the green jello with shredded carrots!

Here's some good ones for recent market turmoil:

Seek professional advice. Talk to your bishop and get a referral to LDS social services. They have LDS counsellors that can help you or refer you to a competent professional. It is possible to get the church to help you pay for this service. No matter what other helpful information we can post, it won't help you as this advice will. Call him right now and don't feel that you're interrupting him. This is IMPORTANT and that's what he's there for!

Quit watching the stock market and listening to the news... and you should feel better almost immediately!!! :)

That's AWESOME! Congratulations!

Well, this IS an LDS site. Of COURSE there's a "judgement" in my post. I see it and I acknowledge it. There's nothing wrong with "righteous judgements" as long as they are done in a tactful, agreeable, non-contentious way. I validated your decisions through my (and probably other forum members) views. (No, I don't speak for the entire forum by ANY means.) If you've found your path... wonderful! But having daydreams (and telling us about it) about telling a disciplinary council about your "deeds" (whatever they are) isn't good no matter HOW you follow Christ. It's a spiritual opinion that I would hope that you share, not just a "Mormon" or "LDS" perspective. It's kinda twisted. And I don't think it's good for the spiritual soul. I think the purpose of this forum is to help everyone and anyone follow Christ and become closer to Him and our Father in Heaven. That includes our thoughts. I don't think I'm coming off with a "holier than thou" attitude, but I'm sensing a smugness about you. You're coming here and there's a lot of posts and commotion since you began posting. I'm sure you're enjoying it. Is this a "judgement"? Maybe. Perhaps it's more of an observation. I'm very good with my articulation, punctuation and spelling, so I hope you are sensing the right spirit and intention behind this post. In case you forget, please read my signature.

I didn't know your name was Kevin! Good to know a little more about you though!

Kevin, I'm just curious... what line of work are you in? The reason I ask is that you remind me of some people on a very good discussion board for my industry. (And yes, I consider them good people who do a lot of good for the work that they do.)

I'm going to say the obvious, just because it hasn't been said. First WELCOME! Second, I would agree with you that you SHOULDN'T go through this process. The process you are describing is part of the process of repentance... and I can just tell by your posts, that you aren't repentant at this time. That's okay! (Just not forever.) BUT, you do respect other people to not waste their time. I can only appreciate that. Sometimes apathy is enough to just keep us where we are... until we feel compelled to move in A direction - either towards Christ or further away. Again, welcome!

How dare you suggest that I've been "tricked"! Try this one: You have been shown understanding, love and fellowship. (And no, I haven't read the entire thread here.) Try to beat that one with your Jedi Mind tricks! (I wouldn't call that Jedi, but Sith tricks.) Don't mess with me, because my Grandmother's name is Karma!

This ISN'T the problem that I thought it was. First, thank you for responding to my post and helping me feel at ease. I've been on a message board where there is simply TOO MUCH DRAMA from certain "cyberbullies". They become banned, and they change their email and plague the board some more - and this has gone on for about 2-3 YEARS. The last thing I would want to see happen on this board is some kind of cyberbully who impersonates a moderator by choosing the "moderator" name and begins to spout off some orders to forum members without being made a moderator. Yes, this has happened before (not here). So, when I saw: 1 post "junior member" Afganistan and an inappropriate comment for such a profile of a poster, I had concerns. Since the validity of the poster has been made, I no longer have any issues with the post. But the last thing I wanted to see, was someone who runs around "policing" others on this really nice forum - without the authority to do so. That was all. I'm not really paranoid because they REALLY ARE out to get me!