foreverafter

It sounds like he is doing the classic "Cycle of Abuse". Get the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft. It is one of the very best books on abuse. If you don't learn about abuse & why you chose him, you will most likely just get right back into another abusive relationship the next time, if you leave. For abusive men are usually very charming & different while dating you. But my suggestion is to still keep your covenants to love him & climb into his arms & give him tons of affection & care every single day & make him as happy as you can. Live to do everything he desires & asks for, unless he asks you to do something unrighteous. Do everything together all day long, as much as possible. Never argue again, just let him do & have what he wants. Don't mention the bad he does, just ask gently & lovingly for specific good things you would like him to do, especially for you. If he does it, be very greatful & he will then be apt to do more. If he doesnt' do it, just don't mention it. Your relationship will get better & more peaceful & you will fall madly in love & get to enjoy that "high" until he learns to reciprocate it to you. This will make you the strongest & most righteous person you could ever be. True Unconditional Love may not be the easiest road but it is the funnest & the happiest in the long run.

If you are having thoughts & feelings for or desires to see or be with someone else other than your fiance, then you aren't ready to be married. It would not be fair to your fiance. If you can't be faithful in your thoughts & feelings during the engagement period then you will probably have trouble doing so in marriage too. You must have no other desires or thoughts for anyone other than her & feel that you can't live without her. Don't rush into marriage if you are not sure. Go date this other woman so you will know for sure one way or another. If your present fiance is the right one, she will be there after you get all other girls out of your system & head. This life is a long hard road & your happiness will depend in large part on if you make the right choice in marriage. A poor choice in a marriage partner can put you in misery the rest of your life, especially if you don't consider divorce an option & you just endure to the end, which I believe is the right thing to do but it's very hard. So choose well & don't rush & make sure you can really give your whole heart, mind & body to her.

This sound right. For I believe that Heavenly Father's greatest goal is to keep marriages happy & together, even if that means no Church or Temple attendance, for those blessings can always come later if a spouse is righteous at heart & would have attended if they had had their spouses consent.

Please just be aware that Heavenly Father will often give us an "Ok" & confirmation to our prayers even if what we want & pray for is against his will for us. (Remember Joseph Smith & the manuscript that was lost?) So just because we get a confirmation doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, but just that he is respecting our free agency & he will let us do what we want. He never forces us to do right & keep our covenants & reap the blessings. Sacrifice is always a choice.

God never asks women to remain faithful to a man or wait for him or give their life or heart or thoughts or intentions even, etc. to a man, until the man has proven he is worthy by giving his life & True Love to the woman over the altar. God requires the man to make the sacrifice 1st before the woman is asked to. Only then is a woman safe to give of herself & her heart to the man. If this man's behavior is not that of a man trying to prove his love & devotion to you above all else, I would not waste time on wishing & hoping. Your revelation must match what the Prophets teach about dating to be true. The Prophets have warned us about putting faith in revelation that seems to infer that someone is our future spouse unless that other person receives the same revelation too & acts on it, for each person has their free agency. We also only receive revelation for those we have stewardship over, like a husband or wife.

The best way to help her realize that you have joined the True Church is to demonstrate the True Love of Christ for her in your marriage. If a woman sees that a Church teaches her husband to love her with a True Love & serve her every wish & put her happiness, needs & desires 1st in his life everyday above anything else, even his own desires & needs, than that woman will eventually come around & trust that he has really found something good. Tell her that this new Church is more than anything only helping you be a better husband & father & that it teaches you to give your life to serve her & to listen to & follow her counsel & desires each & every day. (unless she asks you to do something unrighteous). Tell her that you love her so much you want to make your marriage & family eternal & then live so she will want to be with you forever too. Any woman would eventually gain faith & trust in such a Church that teaches that to her husband. Many if not most people would or do pay 1000's of dollars to take their spouse to a therapist who will teach them just that. Never let Church callings come before her needs & desires, so she doesn't come to resent the Church & the time it takes away from her. Always get her consent for your callings & doings with the Church & paying of tithes & offerings, etc. All decisions, activities, friendships, jobs, etc. etc. in marriage must have the consent of both. Maintaining your marriage is the most important thing, much more important than going to Church even if you have to make that choice. Personal Prayer & Scripture study are the only things that should come before your wife's happiness & desires. Don't ever let the Church come between you & your wife & cause discord in your marriage. Church leaders have said over & over that Marriages & Families take precidence over the Church. The Church was instituted to help keep families together, not the other way around. Often one spouse finds the Gospel before the other or one spouse has a much stronger testimony even if both are members. You are fortunate that your wife at least gave her consent for you to be baptized. Now you can show her what the Gospel is all about by loving & serving her even better.

If you really want to save your marriage, True Love is the only thing that can save it. Without it every marriage will eventually fail. With it any marriage can be saved, even after divorce if you've been faithful. And it only takes one spouse that possesses it to save the marriage, though they may still leave you for awhile, but they will be back. But True Love is not easy & requires complete unselfishness & not doing or saying anything unkind & living to make the other spouse happy & serving their every wish & desire before your own, even if they don't do it for you yet, though you must try to help them learn to serve you too. True Love never ends, or gives up & it always wins in the end. But True Love is impossible to maintain for long without God's help, because our spouses are usually very imperfect & often hurtful. It is only obtained by praying for it everyday & then by loving our spouse by our every word & deed. Pres. Hinckley promises that if we will do this "we will be happy & our marriage will go on through eternity."

Normal? maybe for most marriages, but right? Never. It is normal that you would be very sad & hurt over hearing these kind of things & having him ignor your pain. For it is emotional abuse for him to say such things & not be as "in love" with you as he should & be thinking about other women & to ignor your pain & emotional needs. It is completely his problem & one he must realize & overcome & he might try to blame his actions on you, but there is no excuse for his lack of feelings for you or thoughts of other women or cold treatment of you. Men are required to love their wife with a True Love before they can ever expect any love in return. For it was his promise of such enduring love that caused you to agree to marry him in the 1st place. Though a righteous wife would keep her covenants & give love anyway even if he didn't deserve it. Of course you may also be doing something hurtful that you need to change. But that would not give him an excuse to hurt or neglect you. Most of us grew up around & were taught some form of abuse & so most people have tendencies to abuse in some way until they stop to think about it & correct their behavior. Such abuse is so common that it is not always seen as abuse. Your needs & desires must come 1st in his life, not his own feelings & desires. He is breaking his marriage covenants to say & do hurtful things to you & not choose to be madly in love with you & put you 1st. He has complete control over being in love & is choosing not to be. Unfortunately this type of abuse, as in all types, almost always just gets worse as time goes on, unless he can realize what he is doing is wrong & repent. But I wouldn't tell him that what he is doing is "abuse" for that is usually too heavy for him to hear & could make things much worse. Just express "what you want to happen", not what you don't like that is happening. Good men live to make their wives happy but often don't know just how to do it. Try to teach him how you would like to be treated & help him meet your emotional needs by asking him to do specific things that you need that would fill this need. He probably does not know how to do what you want so you need to be very specific & ask gently & lovingly, & not punish him if he doesn't do it. Our requests must come without expectations, for sometimes it takes them a while to be willing to do it. We must be patient as spouses & love them anyway. If you show him by example & love & serve him as much as you can this will help him listen & respond to your requests. Make a list of 10 things of what you think "his" idea of an ideal wife would be & do or whatever he would request or want that would make him happier & try to do those things one by one as much as you can. Also help him serve you more by asking him to do things for you, that you like & need & want, etc. If he responds to your requests give him abundant gratitude & he will more likely do more for you. The more he serves you the more he will fall back in love with you. And the best part of all is that the more you serve him no matter what he does, the more you will fall even deeper in love with him & get to enjoy that incredible high, which in turn helps you have more patience with him til he catches on to doing it for you. Also, see if he will pray with you at least once a day, that is probably the most powerful thing you can do as a couple. Also, it's vital that you spend as much time as possible together each day. The more the better. Do everything together as much as he will let that happen & not be bugged by it. He will almost surely get more used to this & start wanting to be with you more & ask you to go places with him. This can work even with very hardened spouses. Lots of time together is very important & is usually how we fell in love in the 1st place & what it takes to stay in love, while also putting the other's happiness & desires ahead of our own each day. It's impossible for a marriage to endure or to have True Love for our spouse without Heavenly Father's help. He gives us the ability & guidance to love & serve our spouse no matter what. And if you have True Love & you include Heavenly Father in helping you help your husband & marriage, then it's impossible for your marriage to fail. It just takes one spouse who has True Love to save the marriage.

Lovely, It's all about having the Holy Spirit as your guide to teach you the real truth of all things. Only those who do & aren't deceived by all the falsehoods that abound in & out of the Church, will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I have had to come to terms with this same question on another issue just as confusing. I have come to learn that Prophets are not infaliable & we are told by the Prophets that it is vital we pray about what the Prophet says to know if it is true or not & then IF we have this Spirit of Discernment we will not be lead astray. That puts alot of responsibility on each of us but that is the test of this life - to see who has the Spirit of Discernment & won't be deceived by wrong philosophies & who will. But since both the wicked & the righteous & everyone in between usually feel they are right, it can be very trickly. Thus we need to make sure we have the right Spirit - "The Holy Spirit" guiding us & not the Adversary whispering deceptions that so many fall for cause they sound easier. Plus we judge our revelations against what the living Prophet especially, is saying to have 2 witnesses, the Spirit & the Prophet. It has been thought by some that we are to be obedient to church leaders even when we feel they are wrong & if we do we will be blessed, that is not what the Prophets teach. While Heavenly Father might save us a few times while learning our errors in following wrong counsel, we are ultimately responsible to know if a leader is speaking truth or not to us & to only follow if what he asks of us or counsels us to do is right. If we follow wrong counsel we will have to suffer the consequences of that wrong counsel, so that we may learn to be wiser the next time. The only exception to this is the President of the Church. The Prophets have said that he is the only one who we should follow even if we feel he is wrong & we will be blessed & all will turn out. All others from Apostles on down we must make sure they speak the truth before we follow & the way to know is if what they say agrees with the Presidents of the Church & the Spirit within us. If any leader (Apostle, Stk. Pres., Bishop, etc.) says something that is not in agreement with the Presidents of the Church or the current President, then we are told to assume that is his opinion & to discard it & only follow what the President of the Church says. I personally believe that the withholding of the Priesthood from the AA people was mostly, if not entirely because the majority of the white men in & out of the Church could not accept their black brothers as equals & thus to protect the Church from losing much of its membership or bring persecution down on the Church God had black men wait (which almost surely in the pre-existence they consented to this wait & will be blessed because of their patience with their brethern) til it was safer & enough white men repented & could accept the equality of their black brothers before he could bless the black people with the Priesthood. I believe in many cases black congregations were more humble than white & were very worthy but had to wait until their white brothers & sisters matured alittle in the Gospel. It is & was the same issue with women's equality, rights & station too & one that is still a difficult thing for many men even today. Above all, your best answers to your questions will come straight from Heavenly Father when you take these questions to him. He will teach you all you desire to know, line upon line as you study what you can in the scriptures & what the Prophets have said & then ask him specific questions. He is your greatest teacher & you can be given understanding that few, if any, have on the subject. Good luck in your searching & remember that the Church is true but none of us as members are perfect & Heavenly Father must use us imperfect mortals to bring about his Gospel upon the earth. And possession of the Holy Spirit is the vital key along with holding fast to our current Prophet's teachings (our iron rod) to know what is true & what is false in all our study & researching & learning. Oh, and I see that you homeschool your children so I know you are a smart & strong lady with the Spirit. You will find your answers, just keep praying & studing the scriptures, even if you don't find all your answers there, for just reading them opens your mind to additional revelation somehow, that usually comes later in the day when you are doing something else or in the early morning. "By the power of the Spirit our eyes were opened and our understandings were enlightened, so as to see & understand the things of God." D&C 76:12 "For they that are wise and have received the truth and have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide and have not been deceived, verily I say unto you, they shall not be hewn down and cast into the fire but shall abide the day." D&C 45:57 "They are they who received the testimony of Jesus and ... by keeping the commandments they might be washed and cleansed from all their sins and receive the Holy Spirit...these are they whose bodies are Celestial." D&C 76:51,53,70. "They who are of the Terrestrial...who are honorable men who were blinded by the craftiness of men....these are they who are not valiant in the testimony of Jesus." D&C 76:71,75,79.

I once dated a co-worker & it was wonderful & made work so much more fun for a few months. But I left on my mission & that ended the relationship & the job. If & when you stop dating the person, it would depend on the maturity level of each of you, especially if one got hurt. It's possible you might end up wanting to seek another position if she talks bad about you in spite after a break up. Or you could just go on as friends but that often doesn't happen as smoothly as hoped. It's always a risk.

Based of the strength of character Emma showed at most other times & the wisdom in her teachings & by the Spirit, I am sure she regretted a moment of anger that caused another woman pain. And yes, also because everyone must eventually repent, the easier way here or the hard way in the next life. We are only allowed out of Spirit Prison & into one of the 3 kingdoms once we have paid for & are totally cleansed from all our sins. Yes, I agree that even Presidents of the Church have their own opinions on things but once in that position I'm sure they are much more careful of what they say, especially at the pulpit, knowing that Heavenly Father will not allow them to lead us astray, thus they make sure they are speaking by the Spirit. We are commanded to have the Spirit when listening to what they say though, so we may know if what they say is true or not & then we are promised we will never be lead astray by a Prophet. We are not promised Apostles can't lead us astray or anyone else down the line. For many Apostles & other leaders have fallen.

I agree this man may have lost his Exaltation that he thought his wife would get him. Not even spouses can get full Exaltation for their errant spouses if the spouse rejects it here, they can only get them to the Celestial Kingdom but not all the blessings there. Exaltation is about responsibilty & sacrifice & some people just don't want that here or in eternity & that's their choice.

Yes, I am sure they are together forever & all has been healed & made right. Someday when we know the whole story I believe we will be amazed.

I am aware how Elder McConkie doesn't seem to always agree on some doctrines taught by Presidents of the Church. Apostles often do have different opinions on doctrines then each other. In any case, our leaders say to consider it just that Aposle's opinion & to go with what Presidents of the Church say.

I'm sorry I don't have more time to list all of the hundreds of references I have. But they are so easy to find I am sure you will find them in your studies. But I firmly believe Pres. Hinckley was not joking when he said that & that he knew what he was saying & the implications of it, though he may have said it with a grin, kinda like a wink to help the medicine go down. For it's not a doctrine many are ready for. And one I'm sure Pres. Hinckley understood very well as Prophet. In fact, he taught the saving power of the sealing to his son in law who taught it to me personally. And men can & should be saviors to their wives just as much as women can & should be for their husbands, it's just that women typically do it more.

Hemi, Oh but she was very valiant in the polygamy issue. She was as valiant in polygamy as any woman (or man if he had been in her place) on the face of this earth could have been. Heavenly Father knew it would take someone as strong & valiant as Emma to endure what she did & react to it as she did. Heavenly Father was using painful polygamy to wake up & teach women (for nothing else had yet) so they would in turn teach men to realize & respect women's equal voice, position & authority in marriage, in the Church & in society. A new concept in those days & something vital if Zion was ever going to be established. Very few understand what exactly Emma went through & why she consented to live through it. Emma was a light to Joseph & the leaders of that day & taught them many important things, some they understood & some they hadn't yet. I am aware of what she said & did that so many judge to be wrong, but instead was in many cases right. Joseph's mother understood how valiant Emma was, she saw all of it. Sorry to get off subject, but Emma's name should never be shadowed with doubt, very few people who have ever walked the earth could ever hold a candle to her & our duty is to learn why & honor her for it.

I also believe Emma has earned her Exaltation by her valiant suffering & obedience. I do not believe she will need Joseph to save her, but the Savior yes, like we all do. She was just as valiant as Joseph. Their whole story is so different than it seems to most people to be.

Yes Margin, I probably have read things that most haven't, for I wanted to know the truth about these things & have spent years studying them. Now that doesn't mean I can't be wrong on something, I am still learning just like everyone else. But I have learned alot of things to be true that helps me & so I share those things I know to be true with others, when they ask & want to know. But the only way you can know if what I say is true or not is to do your own studying & praying & maybe you have & if we still disagree than one of us will learn our error soon enough. But anything I have read or learned is easily available to everyone to find & read, it's all out there in Conference Talks, & Books of the Teachings of each of the Presidents of the Church. Just ask a question & go in search of the answer & Heavenly Father will help you find it. But you have to be willing to live by it once you learn it. I have posted reference after reference in the past. Posting quotes (puzzle pieces) is not usually enough to always understand the doctine, one must read many quotes from different prophets to begin to see the real picture. That I cannot do for anyone else than myself, especially not over the internet where we can't sit down & discuss & read scriture & quotes together. It's like the missionarys tell investigators, here is our testimony & here is where you find it (the Book of Mormon) & prayer is where you will really understand it all in your mind & heart. That is what I would say to anyone else wondering about these issues, one must read & study themselves & pray about it all & if you are sincere you will find & know the truth of these things.

Though we all must repent in the next life if we don't here, that does not mean we can still earn Exaltation in the next life. If we didn't earn it here & were able to, cause we had the gospel but didn't study & apply it, then we missed our chance. If we repent here we get the rewards, if we repent in the next life we only get the pain without the rewards & the pain is 1000 times greater & longer, for some 1000 years of torment. One prophet said that the thinking that we can lie alittle, cheat alittle, take advantage of our neighbor alittle, hurt our spouse alittle, commit adultery or porn alittle, etc. etc. & think we will just get a small punishment & still all get to the Cel. Kingdom, was the most satanic doctrine ever taught. We do not get a second chance. This life is the time to prepare & earn the Kingdom we want to go to. I heard Elder Packer in person a few months ago say, as others have, "that we all know when we do wrong." We do not need a perfect knowledge of things to obey the commandments & choose the right. Though none of us will become perfect in this life, we must live the commandments that we know of to a great enough degree that we have the Spirit as our constant guide so we aren't deceived to do or support evil, as most people are doing today. Only these people who have taken the Holy Spirit as their guide & are not deceived will inherit the Cel. Kingdom. The doctrine that Parents & Spouses can save their errant children & spouses is true, but it is a blessing because of the righteousness of the Parent or Spouse. We cannot count on that. It's like the Savior did for us, none of us deserved to overcome death, for we have sinned. But Christ, because of his great suffering earned the power & right to save us all & bring us back to the Kingdom of Heaven. Parents & Spouses can use the same principle to get their errant children & spouses to the Cel. Kingdom, though Joseph Smith says that doesn't necessarily mean Exaltation for them. So we see how vital it is to stay "sealed to our spouse & children" even if our spouse divorces us. If we don't break our covenants & date & remarry then we retain our marriage & sealing to our spouse & our sealing to our children & can eventually save them by that sealing & be all together again, IF we choose to be with that errant spouse, no one is forced to. I cringe when I see people divorce & break their covenants by dating & give up their sealing to their children, just to have a new romance & their needs met. They do not know the power they are giving up & it will one day be very sad to know they could have saved their children (or spouse) if they had only kept their covenants. But I know it's hard to be alone & not date & wait for a spouse to repent, but it's so worth it.

Bytor, I agree with what Bro. McConkie said, I never said a righteous spouse could get their errant spouse Exaltation, that must be earned by the person themselves. But Joseph Smith & Brigham Young & others have said they could get their spouse to the Cel. Kingdom but not exaltation. So Elder McConkie is right. Hemidakota, Brigham Young said it was foolish & folly to divorce & to agree to stay away from each other, IF one of the spouses was righteous. He said it was all in vain & not valid. Everyone knows Christ said we commit adultery after divorce with someone we remarry because he says we are STILL married 100% to the 1st spouse, unless their was rare justification. He meant that the divorce was invalid. You cannot commit adultery with someone you are married to, even after divorce, unless both break their covenants by dating. You cannot commit adultery even with someone you are still "sealed" to, even after divorce, as long as you are faithful & don't break the sealing by your actions, like dating or remarriage. Joseph Smith & BY were only sealed to their other wives not legally & they did not commit adultery.

Pam, Everyone must eventually repent, either in this life or the next. If we wait until the next life to repent the pain will be so much more excrutiating, that it caused even the Savior to bleed at every pore. We do not want to have to pay for our own sins, not for one day or 1000 years of it like some people will. Plus after we are cleansed from all our sins & released from Spirit Prison we still only get to go to probably the Tel. or Terr. Kingdoms & be single forever. Very few will have the blessing of being taken to the Cel. Kingdom by a righteous spouse or parent. How many spouses do you know who are being faithful to a wicked cruel adulterous or abandoning spouse? It's rare. We all must focus on working out our own salvation & not count on any exceptions. Better yet, lets be righteous so we can help save our spouse & children incase they need it. We will be so glad we did. Great will be our joy if we save even one soul, how great will it be if we save many souls?!

Seanette, If you were faithful & had such a husband, you would have the choice to let him go to the Telestial Kingdom which he earned or if you still loved him & wanted him with you after he completely repented in Spirit Prison, (for all eventually must) & when he wanted more than anything to make it all up to you & love you back forever, then you would have the choice, right & power to bring him into the Celestial K. with you but he would still lose out on most eternal blessing there, because even you can't earn for him all those blessings. But he would be like the Prodical Son/Spouse, living there with you only because of your love & righteousness. Because you earned him by your sacrifice & valiancy in enduring his unrighteousness & yet still staying faithful to him, which is so hard to do & thus so rewarded. Most people will not have such luck to be saved this way & so no one can count on it, plus they still lose the best of the blessings of Exaltation even if taken to the Cel. K by their spouse or parent. And Free Agency happens at the altar not the divorce court unless you are justified, which the Prophets say is very rare. It's like pregnancy, the choice is made at the beginning & can't be backed out of anytime after that without severe consequences or maybe a very rare exception. Same with marriage. And no, only one spouse needs to stay faithful to keep the sealing in tact, IF the faithful one wants it so.

Tarnished, A justified divorce would not be adultery & so she would be allowed to remarry in the temple. Yes, marriage it is in fact a way to keep our spouses ours, the greatest thing about the marriage covenant is that it guarantees us our spouse forever if we are faithful, no matter what they do, so all our love & sacrifice is not in vain, if we want them. That's why Christ (See Jesus the Christ p.484) said marriage was indisolvable & men could not throw off a wife like a toy or slave. Or vice versa. Heavenly Father would not ask us to give & risk our whole heart & life for a maybe. And it is impossible for a man & woman to be sealed & not 100% completely married. "Sealed", for couples, means married now, today, in this life & in eternity. It's impossible to be sealed to 2 living spouses at the same time anymore, as many suppose they are. Also, every marriage performed in the temple is two people "declaring themselves" to be worthy & righteous & is only valid if they were truthful, especially about previous divorces & the causes. Sealings can be broken at request for Heavenly Father will never force anyone to be with a unrighteous spouse in this life or the next, it will be our choice. But new sealings will only be valid if the person was truely honest & righteous. Church leaders have said that there will be alot of corrections & changes in the next life when the real truth is learned about certain marriage situations that weren't as leaders were told.