twort

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response STS. Since I am out of town on business, I have been able to do a lot of thinking (and a lot of web research) about my situation. I know that I will have to leave, tell her, or both. I totally agree with you, I have no excuse. I am an unrepentant sinner who needs to reconcile with God. My wife keeps telling me she's not ready for children, but has recently expressed an interest to get pregnant "next fall". You are right in that she knows I have not been acting the same lately, but you have no idea how out of the ordinary this is for me. This has had no impact whatsoever on our sex life. I told the other woman to stay with her husband because I don't want to break up their family. I know the odds of anything ever happening are next to 0, but I've allowed myself to fall in love. I'm in a bad place. You said that the spark of romance has left me, which isn't quite true. I am physically very attracted to my wife. However, I am emotionally very... disinterested. Anyway, thank you for your post. Thank you for not being too judgemental. twort

Thank you, there are some great links in this post.

Hi Everyone, I’ve been thinking over the past few days whether or not I would even make this post, but I’ve been reading posts on here and I’ve seen that this is actually a very open-minded and supportive group here! Not that I expect your open-mindedness or support, considering the depth of my transgressions. Let me start off by saying that I have been a fairly active Mormon all my life, I served a mission in Asia (honorable – I worked hard) and am proud of it. I have struggled a little bit with word of wisdom issues and a little with sexual transgressions since a year or two after my mission. I met my current wife just less than 7 years ago, and we’ve been married for about 5 years, no kids yet. We have always had a tumultuous relationship, and had to wait a year before we married in the temple due to sexual transgression. Anyway, keep in mind this is my side of the story, but that I am trying to be fair to my wife. During our first year of dating, we were very sexually compatible (I know this probably makes a lot of you cringe, but I’m just trying to be open so you understand my situation). That may have been one of the only ways we were compatible looking back… We fought a lot, and didn’t have a whole lot in common; however, we had enough going for us that we stuck it out and had our year without sex. She isn’t particularly emotionally stable, which was probably caused (or at least exacerbated) by her mother, who quite apparently has co-dependency problems. My wife at this point has no one, other than me, with whom she is close. I am her best friend, only friend, husband, shopping partner, confidant, and complete support system. She has no one else. To me her self-isolation seems like a choice; a choice that I don't understand. Over the years my wife has lost interest in me sexually, or as she puts it, has lost interest in sex. I don’t know which it is, but my research on the internet (subjective at best) tells me that the former is probably the case. For the past 3 years we are probably intimate every 9 months on average. We are both near 30 years old (just under). Whenever we talk about it, it always comes back to me needing to accept this because she can’t do anything about it. Keep in mind that I do everything I can to avoid her anger because it can result in hours, or even days of demeaning and angry comments, which only ends when I finally break down and apologize. I always wonder how it ends up arriving at my apology… Anyway, she has tightened the reigns over the years and I rarely see my friends or family now, and my work is one of my few outlets outside of the house. She has cut down to less than part time at work (8-10 hrs. per week) because of undiagnosed health issues that may or may not be real, I don’t know but I can’t push her too hard to see a doctor because she will snap. Anyway, this leaves her at home almost all the time. She is offended when I do anything but come home and hang out with her. Maybe that’s how a marriage should ideally work, but I am a very social person and was very close to my family in the past. I've asked her to come before, but she isn't interested... She just wants me home. I also had hobbies and really liked to work out after work. Now I just come home, do most of the house work, and wait for the next day to start. My existance feels meaningless... Although I’m not necessarily the most righteous person, I do like to attend church. She hasn’t been in years, although she doesn’t drink or anything and still wears her temple garments. There’s a lot more I could say but I need to get to the meat of this. First of all, I have wronged her in the past. I have yelled, I punch and kick walls and stuff when I’m angry, and have stormed off for an hour or more without mentioning where I’m going. I wasn’t innocent before, and I’m definitely not innocent now. I met a married woman at my workplace with whom I connected with strongly. She is a mother of two young children and not a member of the church. For about 6 months our friendship grew, and at some point I realized that I had feelings for her, and I also realized that she probably felt the same way. We have very similar personality traits, and at some point she mentioned that she had feelings for me. Well, it didn’t take long before we were taking off time at work to spend time in hotel rooms together. Keep in mind that I have a narrow window of freedom from my spouse in which to cheat, but I’ve somehow kept it up for a few months without getting caught. The other woman and I have talked about trying to see if “we” would work out if we ended things with our spouses. We both understand that would be a long shot (religion, her kids, and our lives outside of work would all be major roadblocks), but we still talk about it. The other woman is a good person; she volunteers, is a great mother, beautiful, a successful businesswoman, a friend to all and the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She is now telling me that she wants to end things with her husband sooner than later, and a "she and I" relationship is seemingly her goal... She too struggles with being labeled as a cheater. I understand that I am sinning against my wife, the other woman, our families, and God. I know I need to end things with the other woman no matter what I intend to do in the future. I know I have emotional problems that I need to deal with (why else would I cheat??). I know I need to repent and that I have hell to pay in so many ways. I am an unrepentant adulterer and that is a horrible place to be. My friends and family think I am a good person, and I know that if my wife finds out, so will everyone else, and let me tell you – they will be surprised… They will stand by me, but my reputation is be totally shot. The other woman’s husband found out about us, and he is hurting horribly right now… He is trying to make things work with his wife and thinks things ended between us. I know what I’m doing may ruin another family. I know that I am failing to promote the image of the church, and of returned missionaries. I feel horrible about my actions, yet like a moth to the flame I keep on going back. Before I met the other woman I was not happy in my marriage, and my cheating has only complicated things. If I knew my wife could turn to her family, her faith, her friends, focus on her work… almost anything.. I would have left long ago. However, I do love my wife, although more like a sister than a spouse. I feel like I would be feeding her to the wolves. I am her everything, and even though she treats me poorly, I know she loves me. I am totally lost. Please remember that she has nothing meaningful in her life besides me, at least that’s what she tells me and to be honest I can’t disagree. I don’t know what she would do without me. I fell like I can’t leave because I love her and can’t “leave her to the wolves”, but I can’t stay anymore because I’ve sinner against her and I don’t think I will ever be happy in such a tight box (she is very controlling). Anyway, I would appreciate the advice of anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who feels like they have something meaningful to tell me. Please keep me in your prayers, even though I really don’t deserve it. twort

Live your life, repent, be happy, 7 months isn't a long time so if it doesn't work out find someone else! twort

I'm hoping LDS.net is a good stepping stone... I've gotta start somewhere!

Haha, funny. Just trying to preserve my privacy. I do totally remember that episode though!! Maybe the first episode???

Loudmouth, what do you mean? Sorry I didn't understand what you were getting at...:)

Sorry to be the discenting voice, but it sounds like she is on a destrucive path. I can se that you probably won't, but please consider moving on. You can even have your kids, most likely... the courts will probably take your side... Please... read my other posts and at least think about my suggestion...

There are lots of good LDS men who would be honored to have you. I don't know your situation, maybe he was worried that you wouldn't like him partying, or maybe something more. You might have nothing to worry about. If you really want a good LDS man then your boyfriend will probably not ever be that man, but he could be a great husband and father some day. Maybe just figure out what you really want and act on it. I know that I would not have been afraid of having a relationship with a woman with your background, and neither would most of my friends. But to be honest, a perfect life long straight arrow might have a problem with your past... something you may want to consider. I know you'll find happiness one way or another. Good luck and godspeed!! twort

Hello All! I am a married churchgoer, with lots of problems. That may describe a lot of people right? lol. Anyway, I went on a mission to an Asian country when I was 19, and I worked HARD! I have no regrets from my mission. After I returned I started to falter, I struggle with faith and a few other things, which is why I joined lds.net. I hope I can find help, support, constructive criticism, and build up my testimony. I have a taste of hell coming in my near future, and I want to prepare. I'll try to provide some advice as I work my way into this site. Thank you!!! Tom

Reader, please listen to me! Leave him. Even if it is only temporary, he needs to feel earthly consequences for his actions... he paid for 5 women? Chances are he's lying to you about what he did (no sex) and he'll do it again. Please please please... pray about this, think about this... please tell him you want to seperate and act on it! I cheated on my wife, and I've done A LOT of research on the subject. I also have some real world experience... The woman I cheated with is also married and her husband found out about us by reading an email I sent her. She told him everything, he cried, she told him she'd break it off with me and things went back to relative normality... and she came back to me. She had no consequences other than an awkward home life for a while and a few new rules. Please please please, pray about this again. Don't let your fear of being alone or your love for your husband block your view of the long road ahead. This is just my opinion, but I have done A LOT of research on the subject trying to figure my own feelings and try to learn why I acted the way I did. I hate cheaters, and here I am... a cheater. You sound like a competant, beautiful woman... you deserve better than the likes of him or of people like me. Please consider my advice for your own sake and for your kids sake. Please contact me if you need advice or have any questions. Otherwise, Godspeed dear sister!!! twort