zuko725

I wasn't sure exactly where to post this question but I guess the advice section will do. I'm 22 and my husband (who isn't a member) is 24 and we've been married for a year and a half now. He works as a temporary worker at the local plant, hoping to someday get hired on as a "full time" employee while I'm going to college to be an elementary school teacher. I should be graduating in about a year and a half. We decided to wait to have children for a few reasons. 1) If I have a baby before I graduate from school I feel I never will. 2) We would like to wait for him to be hired on as a full time employee. This way we would never have to fear him getting laid off (as this has happened before). 3) We would like to have a house and another car first. Right now we are living in an apartment that is close to where he works so that we can share the car we have. If he were to get laid off again we would most likely have to move in with his parents which to me is NOT a good option as there are difficulties within the house itself. 4) My husband is in the reserves and I would like to wait until he is out before having kids. The idea of having a baby and then him getting deployed and missing out on the first year or so of their life breaks my heart. Luckily he only has about a year left. So I was thinking we were being responsible by doing this but I recently came across something that explained that young married couples who wait until they have good jobs, houses, etc to have kids are more or less sinning. Then today in church a guy gave a talk where he touched a little bit on the topic of not waiting to have children and told us about how he was in college when him and his wife had their first child. So does this mean my husband and I shouldn't wait to have kids? This almost seems like a crazy concept to me because I really feel like it would not be a smart decision for us right now. Not to mention I'm sure my husband's hair would begin falling out if I told him I was preggo. I don't feel like we are ready to have children right now but I can't help but wonder if waiting is the wrong thing to do? What do you guys think?

I understand the pain you are going through, but I highly suggest you don't mess with his computer. First of all, he is your husband, not your child and trying to control what he can and can't do will only cause more problems. If he sees that you snuck and put a filter on there, he's going to be mad and will feel like you're trying to control him, which will only result in disaster. Second of all, your husband is addicted to porn and if he wants to watch porn, he's going to find a way to watch it whether the laptop is filtered or not. My advice is to keep praying for him and to just love him. If he feels like you're angry or untrusting of him he's not going to feel very motivated to try to change. Hugs to you and good luck, I know how much this must hurt

My heart goes out to you!! Stay strong and you will get through this! One day, when you're married to a much more deserving man you will be able to look back on all of this and be grateful!

I am a member and my husband is not. However, he is very supportive of me going to church. If your wife is supportive of you going then that's great! Go on your own and maybe your example will rub off on her! Also, talk with the bishop, he may be able to give you advice on your particular situation.

Also, you mentioned earlier that you are perfectly fine with him not being a member.. you may feel that way now, but can you garuantee that in a year or two you'd still be fine? I was fine with my husband not being a member, too. At first. You also said that he's afraid that you're going to find someone at church who can give you want you want. My husband also somewhat has this fear and has told me a few times that I would probably be happier with someone else who shared my beliefs. He has also stated that he thinks that I regret marrying him and that he's keeping me from being truly happy. Is this something you want your potential future husband to have to deal with? Again, this is just stuff to think about and these types of problems are pretty much inevitable and trying to work through them is tough.

Take it from someone who was in your position. You can find my posts on here about the situation but I'll give you some background info: I was inactive when I met and married my husband. We had been married for about 9 months when I decided I wanted to go back to church (Which was just this past April). While we were dating and engaged I knew that a temple marriage was right, but at the time it wasn't something that was as important to me or something I worried about. I loved him and that's all that mattered. When I started to go back to church he came with me and showed a great interest in it.. but after about 3 months of this he lost interest. He now no longer goes to church with me and refuses to talk about any of it. A temple marriage didn't matter to me so much before, but now it does. There's nothing I want more than for him to join the church and take me to the temple and I am currently struggling with the realization that this just may not happen. We actually had a talk about this earlier today and he told me that he just has zero interest in the church and he also told me that he is upset because he is going to be spending the rest of his life knowing that I want something that he cant give me. My husband is a wonderful man, but we just aren't on the same page. He likes to drink a beer with his dinner sometimes.. which bothers me. His best friend is someone I highly despise and goes against everything the church teaches.. but I have to deal with it anyways. I have also gotten to the point of thinking about our future children and the difficulty of raising them with a father who isn't a member. These are the types of problems that come from marrying a non member.. problems that didn't seem like a big deal when I was inactive. I have cried every night for the last 3 months about this and words can't even describe the amount of pain I'm in over this issue. Not to mention the amount of pain and feeling of helplessness my husband is going through. This HURTS. I adore my husband and I think he's a wonderful man and will someday make a good father. I can't say I regret marrying him and somehow, someway I believe we will work through this and find a way to make this work and gets past the pain. However, I strongly advise you think long and hard about marrying this guy. Start going to church BEFORE you get married and figure things out then. I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to feel what I'm feeling right now and so if I can help spare someone else from going through this, then it will be good to know I've helped someone. Again, I want to clarify I dont regret marrying my husband, I'm just letting you know in advance that if you marry him, you're heading down a very tough and painful road.

First of all, I don't believe for a second that leaving him would be the "right thing to do". Every marriage will have it's struggles.. I know this is hard, painful and frustrating.. however being angry and resentful towards your husband wont help anything. He needs you to be supportive and to love him unconditionally. Remember, he's struggling too and if he feels like you want to give up on him then he will want to give up on himself. Be his rock. Stay strong and keep praying. Good luck.

Right now, you need to focus on repenting and strengthening your testimony. The guy needs some time also to repent and get himself back in good standing, having you around could quite possibly make repenting more difficult for him considering you were the temptation that got him where he is. (Not saying it's your fault.. just saying you being around right now will probably make things harder for him). His main focus right now should be repenting, not you. If it really is true love then he will come back to you, if not then there's someone else out there they may be better for you. Give it time, be patient and give him some space.

In my experience, the people who have better personalities are the people who are the most attractive to me. I've had about 2 exes before I met my husband.. at the time I thought those guys were about as good looking as a guy could be.. looking back now they're not nearly as attractive as I used to think they were. I thought my husband was good looking when I first met him, and the longer I'm with him and the more I love him the better looking he gets. I read a study somewhere once (I dont remember exactly where I found it) which took place at a summer camp of some sort. At the beginning of the week a group of people wrote down who they thought were the most attractive people at the camp. Then at the end of the week (after getting to know everyone) the people were told to write down who they now thought was most attractive and everyone wrote down different people then they had before. Just a thought.

Wow, I am in such a similar situation as you. I was inactive when I met and married my husband and haven't made good choices in the last couple years. My husband showed a brief interest in the church but no longer wants anything to do with it. I'm 22 and he's 24 and we've been married for about a year and a half. We have no children but we do have chocolate lab. We also share a car and I got SO tired of sitting at home by myself all day every day.. I know how you feel, I've been there. Luckily Im back in school so that gets me out of the house some.. and I plan on taking summer classes this summer so I don't have to ever again suffer from sitting at home all the time. Is there any way at all you could maybe drive your husband to work and have the car for yourself for a day now and again? Or are there any friends that live nearby or anything? Trust me, I understand where you're coming from and I feel for you. Also, I am also going through a rough patch with my husband. Since he rejected the church I have felt so resentful of him (which i know isn't fair but I still can't help it) and I feel like our marriage is falling apart. I've also thought about how much easier it would be to go back to my "old life".. because at least then my husband and I were happy. Here's the thing though, Satan is really upset that you're returning to church and he will do whatever he can to get you to quit going again. I have realized this and therefore remind myself daily that I just need to stay strong and continue to work on my faith and my marriage.. otherwise Satan wins. Good call on setting an appointment up with the bishop, he will be able to help you and give you council on the problems you are having. I also plan on speaking with my bishop but haven't made the appointment yet.. Good luck and stay strong!

My heart goes out to you. This has got to be such a stressful / difficult time for you. I dont really have too much advice except for this: I'm also currently struggling with my husband (I was also inactive when I met and married and started going back a few months ago. He showed interest at first, but no longer wants anything to do with it) The missionaries have been a big help to me and one of them let me borrow a CD with a talk from Jeffrey Holland on it. I don't remember the title exactly, but I remember it was something along the lines of "cast not away". Anyways, in the talk it mentioned that if you pray about something and get an answer (you said you had prayed about him and got a decisive answer to stay with him) than that answer doesn't change. Just because you no longer feel like you're getting an answer, that doesn't mean the answer you previously got changed. So in other words, if the answer was to stay with him, than that is still the answer. "You catch more flies with honey" so really the best you can do right now is to just love him and be there for him. Continue staying active in the church, talk to the bishop (he can counsel you and help you through this) and keep praying. Good luck and stay strong!

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The fact that she didn't even care that you had been with another woman and that she is ready to be divorced from you and is ready to move on sounds to me like she's indifferent towards you. Sadly, I don't think there's much you can do.. as Judominja stated.. it takes two people to make a marriage work and she's clearly taken herself out of the equation. I know this is a tough time for you but you've got to hang in there. Surround yourself with family and friends, get active in the church again and schedule meetings with the bishop (he will help you through this) and try to stay busy. (Maybe find a new hobby or join a gym) Hang in there and remember.. this too shall pass.

Thank you guys! You have all given me such wonderul advice! I really appreciate everyones input and I can't thank you guys enough, I'm so thankful I found this message board.

Also in reply to Judominja's post: He is feeling insecure because he knows what I want: A temple marriage and a husband who is lds. So he feels like he is no longer the guy I want and I guess is afraid I will leave him so I can find someone who can give me what I want. I keep telling him that this isn't going to happen but I guess he is still worried about it. And for the most part he is respectful of my beliefs. He has no problem with me going to church and even encourages it. I go visiting teaching which he is okay with and I have visiting teachers who come over and he will interact with them and be very polite. We also have a home teacher (who he also works with and is friends with.. so that's good) and he is okay with them coming over. He only acts rude / says things when we're around his friends or even his family. (His family loves me and have no problem with the church so luckily that isn't an issure) So I don't know what his reasoning for acting like that around other people is. I do plan on talking to him and asking him to not be rude when talking to other people about it. This whole thing just really has me feeling depressed and worried about the future of my marriage. I feel like I'll never truly be happy. Every time I look at him all I can think about is how I'm going to lose him when one of us dies.. and that breaks my heart. I feel like now that I'm back at church my standards and values have changed and no longer match my husband's. I guess we just need to find a common ground but I don't see how that's possible.

I will admit that I considered just not having children with him because I couldn't stand the thought of not having them sealed to me.. HOWEVER I have changed my view on that for two reasons. 1. I am never leaving my husband.. I love him dearly and promised to stick by him, so I will. That being said, I really really want to be a mother some day and the idea of not having children at all hurts even more than not having them sealed to me. 2. Not having children would be very selfish of me and unfair to not give my spouse the chance to be a father, plus my future children will need to gain a body of their own. So bottom line, I believe it would be wrong and very selfish of me to not have children.

I think if you pray about it (which you said you have) and feel it's right for you then by all means, go for it! I think working in the temple would be a wonderful oppurtunity! Good luck and I hope everything works out :)

The advice given to me has been so amazing! Thank you guys so much.. I really do feel better now. Another question I have (which may take the conversation in a different direction) but I recieved my patriarchal blessing right before I left for college and it told me in the very beginning that I would have a temple marriage.. and throughout the blessing it mentions things about me and my husband.. It also tells me that as long as I live worthy Heavenly Father is bound to keep his promises. As I mentioned before I was inactive when I met and married my husband so I realize I didn't get the temple marriage I was promised and that it is my fault I didn't. Now that I am going back to church and in the process of becoming worthy again.. how does a temple marriage fit into that? Did I miss my opportunity for a temple marriage? Will I just be sealed to someone else in the afterlife? If so, does that mean the other things mentioned in my blessing about my husband are now invalid? Or does it mean that my now husband will eventually convert? I realize no one is going to have a definite answer on this.. But I am curious to hear what you may think.

I think a situation like this depends from person to person. Personally I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with her and keeping her in mind as a potential spouse for when you get back. I wouldn't get too serious with her though, because it will make things that much harder and asking her to wait would be unfair. Your top priority right now is your mission. Preparing for your mission and being in tune with the spirit is what you should focus on most. If she is still there when you get back and you both still feel the same then great! If not, then that means there is someone else out there that may be just a bit better for you.

Thanks for the replies / advice so far. I have talked to him some about why he doesn't like the church anymore and he told me that he felt like it was being pushed on him too much. I do take part of the blame for this. When he was investigating the church I got really excited about and perhaps did make him feel pressured (however that was not my intention) My family also unintentionally pressured him. Not to mention the missionaries gave him a proposed baptism date before my husband had said he was ready for it AND people at church would make comments like "Oh, you're not a member? We'll we will just have to fix that!" At the time I didn't really think much about it, but looking back on it now I can definitely see that he was pressured. Also he was at AT with his best friend who is athiest and very against religion.. but I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I feel like our marriage is under a lot of stress and we bicker constantly now.. over stupid stuff. I know I need to just love him and be patient with him but it's so hard. I have also told him repeatedly that I am never going to leave him.. but he still feels insecure.

Hi guys.. I know I posted a similar question to this a couple months ago but I'm still looking for advice or just some comforting words. As I've mentioned before I met and married my husband during a period of inactivity. Back in May I decided I needed the church in my life again and started going back and tried to get my husband into it. In the beginning he was really excited about it and loved it. He looked forward to going to church with me every Sunday and having the missionaries. He sat and had long discussions about the church with my dad (who converted when he met my mom) and would come to me with the scriptures so we could read them together. I really thought that he was going to accept the church and be baptized and that we would go to the temple together. In July he left for AT with the army and while he was there he said he prayed for an answer about the church and didn't get one and since then has been against the church. He has no desire to go with me anymore and wont even discuss it. He says he has no problem with me going but acts very annoyed anytime something about the church is brought up. He almost acts like the church is evil or something now. There are really no words for how heartbroken I am. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't cry. I feel like we are two different people who want two different things. We were once a couple who practically never argued and now we bicker all the time. I feel like we are in two seperate worlds now and it really hurts. He also likes to drink occasionally (and I used to, but quit) and now if he orders a drink he makes a comment about how I don't drink anymore. If we're out with friends or family he finds a way to bring up the church and insults it. (This is NOT like his normal character) I just don't understand how someone could go from embracing the gospel to suddenly hating it for no apparent reason. I feel like our marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I almost feel like there's no point in us being married.. it's just going to end when we die anyway. My husband also knows that I'm hurting over this and is now scared to death that I'm going to leave him for "some mormon guy who can give me what I want". I'm also hestitant on having children with him. I can't bear the thought of having kids and knowing that they're not sealed to me. Luckily we don't have children yet and don't plan to for a while, so that's a bridge we can cross later. However, I will NEVER leave him. I love my husband dearly (which is why this is so hard on me) and I take my marriage seriously. I feel like leaving him over this would be very selfish. One thing that really bothered me though was that a couple weeks ago we had a lesson in Relief Society about temple marriages and one lady was talking about how her grandaughter married a non member and when he wouldn't join the church she divorced him and found a guy who was a member.. and everyone in the class seemed to agree that doing this was the right thing for the girl to do. Somehow I don't believe leaving my husband just because he want convert to the church is right. Surely the church wouldn't suggest doing something like that. Anyway, I guess I was just looking to vent and could really use some words of comfort.. especially from people who have been in a similar situation or know someone who has.

Thanks everyone. I'm already starting to feel a little better. It also makes me feel better knowing that others have been where I am now. I didn't realize I needed to call ahead and set up an appointment, thank you for informing me of that! Another question: Would I be allowed to bring my husband with me? He isn't a member and doesn't go to church with me anymore, but if I wanted to have him with me for this he would be there. I just want to know if that is something that would be ok? And with him not being a member is this something he should not witness? He already knows of the things I've done so it's not like there are any secrets. I would just really like to have him there for support. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to ask him to come with me, but if I do, would that be ok? And another thing, I know every situation and person is different but if my bishop puts me on probation or something would I no longer get to go visiting teaching? I was recently assigned a companion and a person to visit and we've already gone once and I really enjoyed it. We are planning something again for this week and I really don't want to lose this. Of course I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but I'd like to get an idea ahead of tim if I should prepare myself for no longer being a visiting teacher. Thanks again for the responses, I really do appreciate it.

Okay, this is going to be long but please at least skim over it, I really really need advice. I was born and raised in the church. Growing up I really really loved church and always believed I would stay pure and clean, doing otherwise never occured to me. When I was 13 I met a boy who I just thought the world of. (My sister was actually dating his older brother at the time, so it was kind of cool). Anyways, I really really really liked this boy and for the next few years he was the only boy I ever looked at, noticed, or cared about. When I was 16 we FINALLY kissed, something I had wanted and waited for for so long. This is where things started to go wrong. Shortly after this "magical" kiss I let him talk me into "sleeping" with him. Having sex before marriage was something I was NEVER going to do and something I viewed as impossible. But, at the same time I was insecure because I was always viewed as "the good girl" (I was the only lds girl in my high school) and this guy played on this insecurity. Looking back on it now I realize what a jerk he was, I just wish I could have seen that at the time. Anyways, after that my life did a 180 degree turn. Suddenly I wasn't the same, innocent girl anymore. Suddenly I no longer loved going to church, but dreaded going and only went because my parents wanted me to. I "slept" with the guy 3 more times before he graduated from high school and left for college. That was the end of that and I was left completely heart broken. The next year was my senior year and I met and started dating a new guy. By this time church standards didn't matter to me and I slept with him too. (Only a couple times). We broke up right before I left for college. Once I was in college I went to church once, and then decided I didn't want to go anymore. So, instead of going to church and cleaning up my act like I should have been doing, I spent my time hanging out at bars and getting drunk. During this time I met my now husband. He didn't attend my college but was friends with my roommate and she introduced us. He actually lived about 45 min away from my college but we hit it off right away. I actually remember "knowing" that I was going to marry him by the end of our second date. Something about him just felt right. Anyways, I ended up staying over at his house every weekend (and yes, sleeping together). That summer I moved out of my parents house to live with him. (My parents house was 3 hours away from his). I spent the next 2 years living with him, drinking and pretty much not thinking or caring about church. We then got engaged and are now married. A few months ago (May to be exact) I decided I need to go back to church. I realized that what I had done was wrong and that I needed the church in my life again. So I found the ward closest to where I live and absolutely love it there. Everyone in the ward has been so friendly and helpful and I am so thankful for them. My husband investigated the church for a little while but lost interest (which is a whole other story). I feel happier now than I have in a long time. I have repaired my relationship with my parents and my heart breaks knowing the pain I must have caused them with my actions. I also no longer feel like the same person I was when I was inactive. I have changed my sinful ways and I have no idea why I did the things I did and would give anything to take it all back. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and stick to my values and not let anyone talk me into something I knew was wrong. There really are no words for how sorry I am for the things I've done. There hasn't been a day that has gone by in the last two months where I haven't sat down and cried because of what I've done. My problem now is, How do I talk to my bishop about this? I would really like to be temple worthy again and become worthy of the wonderful blessings I know are in store for me. As I mentioned earlier, I am at a new ward and don't know my bishop very well and talking about this seems like it would be very awkward. I also don't think I will be able to get through talking to him without crying and I am really embarrased about talking about this stuff. However, I am more than willing to do what it takes to be completely forgiven. Another thing, how much do I need to tell him? Does he need to know about the guys I slept with before my husband? Or does he just need to know about me living with my husband before we were married? Do I also need to tell him about the drinking I used to do? The sins I've committed will never be committed again, I am now married and would never cheat and I can't stomach the thought of touching another alcoholic drink and I feel like my complete character and thought process has changed, I'm no longer the same party girl I was a year or two ago and I never will be again. So I'm really not sure how much my bishop needs to know. I'm sorry for such a long post but I really really need advice on this situation. I feel like my heart is completely broken and I just want to stop hurting.

When you don't have to ask. You just know.

Thanks for the replies guys. Yes, I do trust my husband. He really is a good guy and like I mentioned in the post, he is a very light drinker and doesn't like dark beer. But, being in Germany, I'm sure he will learn to drink it. Who goes to Germany and drinks A bud light? To answer an earlier question, I do prefer he didn't drink, but he isn't a member and I knew this when I married him. I just have a problem with him going out drinking with this particular friend. I feel like this friend is a bad influence and 3 weeks of them hanging out at bars in a country known for it's drinking bothers me. Maybe I do have trust issues in that area. But my husband really doesn't see his friend the way others do. (Surprisingly enough my husband is this guys only friend lol) But I really don't know how to deal with this. The closer this trip gets, the more upset I feel. I wish I could just simply be happy for him but I can't.

Okay guys, a little background info (if you haven't read my post from a few months ago) I've been a member my whole life but was inactive when I met and married my husband. I am now back at church and struggling with being married to a non member. My husband was investigating the church but lost interest. I posted this in an earlier forum and recieved very helpful advice! My problem now is I have recently discovered that my husband will be going to Germany in January for his Annual Training. (He's in the reserves) and his best friend will be going too. Here's my problem: I really really really dislike his friend. Why? -He's an alcoholic -Disrespectful to women (he even used to hit his ex fiance.. he was usually provoked, but that's still no excuse) -He sees girls as objects to "sleep" with -Can't hold down a job.. he was fired from his last one because of a DUI (his 2nd one in 3 years) -I've personally heard him bash my husband behind his back.. but then will turn right around and act buddy buddy to him. -He's an athiest and thinks anyone who believes in God is dumb. The list goes on.. but I honestly don't know how him and my husband are friends.. they're so different. But my husband's reasoning is that they've been best friends since they were kids and excuses this guys behavior by saying "He was just drunk.. he doesn't mean anything he says / does". Anyways.. There have been trips to Germany before but my husband has never got to go on one. The first trip was voluntary but my husband didn't want to go (and has regretted it since). The second trip the whole unit was supposed to go on but it was discovered at the last minute that my husbands training wasn't up to date so he had to go on a seperate AT from everyone else and then there was a voluntary trip for next month that him and this friend wanted to go on but it was cancelled. So I feel bad that my husband has never been anywhere "cool" and has never really got to travel before so I'm excited for him to have this oppurtunity but I can't stand that he is going with this friend. When his friend went last time, when he came back all he talked about was how drunk he got. (Apparently they were given lots of R&R time to explore the country.. so it wasn't all work) I will admit that part of me is jealous.. I've always wanted to go to Germany and I'm jealous that my husband gets to go with his friend and not me. BUT.. I'm still excited for my husband and if he were going WITHOUT this friend I would be perfectly fine with it. I guess my problem is I can't stand the thought of the two of them bar hopping together in Germany and getting into trouble. His friend has a knack for getting in bad situations. My husband isn't much of a drinker and actually hates dark beer.. but his friend has been known to pressure him into doing things. The idea of this trip makes me sick to my stomach. Am I just being crazy? I talked to my husband about this and he knows I"m uncomfortable with him going but doesn't understand why his friend bothers me so much. This trip will be 3 weeks long and I'm afraid that after 3 weeks in Germany with this guy he's going to come back acting just like him or something. They went to Virginia over the summer for AT and my husband came back acting just like his friend and it took like 3weeks for him to return to "normal". I realize I may be over reacting but can anyone give me some advice to give me peace of mind? This is seriously driving me crazy.