mhsmd

But how would you go about proving it? I can't go into an argument without infallible proof. That's not how I roll.

Oxytocin(sp?) is a powerful hormone. It can make a person feel like they're ready to a commitment that they're really not ready to make. It can even make a person feel like they've already made that commitment! Sex is dangerous stuff in a relationship, no matter what the world says. But there is little you can do for your friend beyond letting him know that you believe it is wrong and dangerous.

My husband loves games. LOVES games. Mtg, Assassin's Creed, CoD, League of Legends, even the little app games he can get on his phone. I don't like how much time he spends on them. It's three or four hours every day, plus nights w/ friends and literally all day most Saturdays. He gets really upset (yes, even at the little app games) to the point where he will lash out at me. But he insists that it isn't an addiction, just a hobby that helps him relieve stress. So, where is the line b/t addiction and hobby? I'd like to open a dialogue with him about it, but I'm not sure if calling it an addiction is warranted. (He hasn't lost a job over it or anything.)

I'm having trouble myself right now. I was raised on the east coast, and recently moved to a LDS school out west. HOLY COW!! The way that believe out here us so different! I feel like what they teach is the same, but they can use those teachings to justify stuff that I think is really wrong. It is a logic problem for me. Perhaps that is her problem as well? It seems that may be your wife's issue. She should talk with the bishop about this. He can probably clear things up for her, especially about the temple.

If the guy is the one who was previously sealed, then you shouldn't actually need to get a cancellation/clearance for his previous sealing. However, he may want to do it. I wouldn't want to remain sealed to someone if my spouse had fundamentally betrayed my trust.

I dated a horrible, emotionally abusive guy before my husband. I still think about my ex almost every day. Mostly it is because I am still carrying feelings of anger and resentment; but it is also because there was a piece of that relationship that I wish were in my current marriage. I wouldn't trade my marriage for that relationship in a million years! But I still think about it fondly once in a blue moon, and I have pleasant dreams about my ex every couple weeks. I would never, ever tell my spouse about these feelings because I would never, ever trade the relationship with my spouse for the relationship with my ex. I also have dreams about my best friend, who is a male. I dreamt once that I was getting sealed to my best friend! I would never, ever tell my spouse because I don't want him to feel insecure. Am I tempted at times by other men? Yup. But I made a serious commitment to my husband, and I every time I am tempted I reaffirm to myself that I will never give him cause to mistrust me because I value our relationship. The fact that you have had an affair with this man that you seem to have feelings for would cause your husband to, most likely, feel as though you had cheated on him again. I suggest speaking with your bishop. Address these issues within yourself, and once you have decided what to do about them then tell your spouse. I think there is no need to cause undue strife, so first decide if it would be undue strife.

Ironically, I had to give up hormonal birth control because we can't afford it! The same reason I'm not on Effexor anymore! We are still using a barrier method, though. Your post made me laugh a bit b/c of that. :)

Yes, we went to counseling last semester. We can't right now because I am off-track, and only full time students can take advantage of the free counseling. I tried doing the Church's counseling service, but my husband wouldn't even discuss what time and place would work so that he would be willing to go. He either didn't answer or rejected my suggestions. I'm the one who just set up an appointment with the school counselor last semester, without telling him. I was actually surprised that he went. I know there is something to be saved here, which is probably why I am so unsure of what to do. I can only think to try counseling another shot, because it seemed to help in the past.

That's what I think. But words aren't doing it. I am so afraid that separation will lead to divorce, and I don't want to lose him. He forgives me for everything, loves me unconditionally, just doesn't show the ability to support or raise a functional family.

If he has been endowed in the temple, he will be excommunicated. He made covenants in the temple, and by because he broke them it is better that those covenants be taken away. It is part of his repentance process. As for his wife and children, it will depend on the choices that his wife makes after finding out the truth. The truth is, he is being dishonest in the lowest, dirtiest way. He needs to tell his wife. If he wants to leave her, he should just be a man and do it. If he doesn't want to leave her, then he should be a man and stop the affair and salvage what might remain of his marriage. An affair is the most cowardly thing a person can do. It is never, ever the right thing. He needs to face the consequences of his actions, whatever those consequences may be. (I know a man who had an affair with a woman, was excommunicated, and is now preparing to be sealed in the temple to that woman. What he did was still very, very wrong. But things will work out if your friend faces the consequences of his actions.)

Ironically, I've posted quite a few replies to other threads telling others to stick it out and work through it. But my main reason for joining this forum was to get advice from LDS church members about my marriage, especially what to do about it. (I know I'm not perfect, and that I have a temper. I have hit him with my wimpy lack of upper body strength, because he tends to ignore me when I bring up any issues in our relationship. And maybe we just don't work together in a marriage.) I dated my husband for about a year before marrying him. I knew that he was spoiled and irresponsible, but darn it if he didn't love me unconditionally and treat me like absolute gold! This was such a change from my previous (and only other) boyfriend, who had treated my like dirt enough for me to feel comfortable calling him an emotional abuser. I feel for my husband because he was so completely different from what I had experienced from my ex (and my father). I though that men just weren't like that. I did break off our first engagement because I felt he wasn't mature enough to handle supporting a family. We got back together, and I decided to marry him after one prayer. I knew I loved him, but had such reservations about marrying a man who hadn't gone on a mission and who was just plain irresponsible. To make a long story short, I got the answer to my prayer two days later when I got an email telling me that my deposit on single student housing was being refunded because the house was being remodeled; and this was about a month before the semester started. I still had reservations, but I trusted that the Lord knew what he was doing. My hesitance was not bolstered when I told my friends. One was actually excited when I told them. Most of them had been trying to get me to go out to school and find someone else. Fast forward seven months. We're married, and I've survived two semester of school while married. My grades have been in the tank. I told him that school would be my full time job, and that he would need to support the family financially since he wasn't admitted as a student yet. He has been working. I think he has maxed out at about 16 hours a week. Right now he could be working 35 hours a week, but chooses not to because it's "too stressful". He wakes up, goes straight to the living room, and turns on the PS3. He comes home from work and turns on the PS3. I try to get him to help around the house, to call people for errands or to apply for food stamps, . . . he just tells me that he works and I don't. Even when I was in school, he only cared that I didn't have a job. When I did get a job, he only cared that he still made more money (by about $20). I found us another apartment that was cheaper, and he complains that it doesn't have a dishwasher so he won't do the dishes. I am looking for a job. We're borrowing money from my parents every few months just to cover rent and utilities, even now that our rent is $200 lower. I do all the budgeting, and he is always asking to spend (or not asking to and just spending) money on his games. Our expenses can't get any lower. I feel like he needs to grow up and take responsibility for this family. He seems to only care about his half. I am tempted to move out as soon as I secure an income of my own. I have even been tempted to ask my parents for a plane ticket home so that I can go back to my summer job there. I am really quite sick of his selfishness. It doesn't help that I recently went off Effexor (for depression and anxiety); I am wondering of the Effexor just made me patient enough to deal with all his crap. I am literally screaming at him two or three times a week. I just feel exhausted, like I am done hauling him out of bed for church, done telling him to stop playing video games on Sundays, done telling him to work more hours to support us, done defending the amount of work I do around the house while he's sitting on his butt. He claimes to be sick about three days every week, which usually leads to skipping church and missing at least one day of work each week (mind you, working every day means he's only working about 16 hours a week right now). I don't know that I want to divorce him. If he could just grow up and stop expecting me to be his mom, then I would love him again. As it is, I have no interest in having children with him. I do not want my children to grow up and be like him; not to mention that I don't want to have to take care of a child in addition to taking care of him! We've been to counseling (where I felt bad, b/c the counselor was always telling my husband that he needed to shape up), and the only time my husband actually shapes up is after I tell him that I am going to leave. Then he shapes up for a couple week, just long enough for me to change my mind. Sorry about the novel. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go to my friends or family about this because I spent so long defending my choice to marry him, and if I decide to stay with him then I don't want them to see my marriage that way. We're meeting with our new bishop tonight about his past addiction and our current goal to be sealed in the temple is August (which I am secretly not so sure I want to do), and I might bring up this problem with him. I am just so afraid that my husband will change long enough to change my mind. I don't want that sort of cycle to continue for the rest of my life. I love him, on some level I know I do, I just don't think that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that is acting to selfish and lazy. I don't think he can change (my father never did) and I won't be sealed to or have children with who he is now. Does anyone have some sort of experience that can help me here? I feel so alone in this decision, but I also know that I can't be objective.

You sound like my husband. He and his mother were inactive for a long time, and he was drinking and breaking the law of chastity regularly. He's only 21 now, never gone on a mission, and (as you may have guessed) he is now married. Guess what. HE STILL HAS PROBLEMS WITH THE LAW OF CHASTITY!!! Why? Because it takes two people to have sex, and when the woman doesn't want to then the man doesn't get any. Do not think that marriage will solve your problems. My husband thought the same thing, and I spent a year convincing him otherwise before I would marry him. I made him confront and at least start to deal with his problems before I would marry him. You need to feel the love and support that the Savior has for you. Also, here is my best advice for any sexual sin: Stop trying to stop. Seriously. I tried that for years, and it only made me feel like crap. Only when I decided to get closer to Heavenly Father through journal writing and scripture study, and to deal with my stress with running and yoga, did I find that I no longer felt the need to break the law of chastity. Yes, it was still tempting, and sometimes still is. But the temptation became so much weaker after I dedicated myself to filling my time with productive activities. If you can't overcome this weakness on your own, then it is more likely that you will drag those you date into sin as well. Change for your own salvation, for your own happiness, and for the happiness of your future marriage.

Oh. I'd like to echo what Jgirl said. My husband's past with chastity has popped up again, though I knew it would. If that is an issue for your guy, and you can prepare yourself for that, it will help a lot. My husband's problem hasn't really affected our relationship, because I know he isn't betraying me. I know he loves me, and that this is just a sort of addiction that he needs love and support to get through. Also, love and support from each other right now will help you live the law of chastity together and get sealed in the temple.

I was in your shoes once. Well, as far as the law of chastity goes. My husband and I, back when we were dating, broke the law of chastity. I mean we broke it about a week after our first date, and pretty regularly during the next month or two. Before dating him, I had broken the law of chastity regularly over a two or three month period. So, I can tell you about two different experiences. With my ex: He was emotionally abusive. He pushed and pushed while I kept telling him to stop because I wanted to live the law of chastity (that particular commandment had been a stumbling block for many, many years even while I was single). Eventually I gave in. I will admit that I was curious, but I did more damage to our relationship by letting it continue and by not going to the bishop just because my boyfriend didn't want to. When we finally confessed, our bishop said this, "You've been playing house." He was right. We had made a commitment to each other that we couldn't keep, because we were not married. We ended breaking up because he was emotionally abusive, which is beside the point. With my husband: I got together with my husband about five months after breaking up with my ex. I had done really, really well with the law of chastity in that time. Unfortunately, both my husband and I had a past of breaking the law of chastity and that led to us breaking the law of chastity together. This time, I was the one who pressured him. I am not proud of that. But when we realized that we wanted to marry each other, when I realized that he was actually serious about wanting to marry me, we decided that we wouldn't settle for less than a temple marriage. The fact that we came to that decision together, that we were both committed to the possibility of marriage, was what changed. (Also, I broke up with him for about two or three months. Also beside the point.) Anyways, when we got back together, chastity wasn't an issue because we knew what our goal was. With that goal in mind, I feel the need to tell you this: You have to wait a year after such a serious sin before entering the temple!!! Especially if he is an RM (I don't know if yours is, mine isn't). We didn't know this, and we were only told about two weeks before the wedding. There was a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings, awkward explanations, and resentment towards my bishop because of it. We thought 8 months would be enough, but it wasn't. Just be aware of that.

My husband and I had a friend and her husband over for dinner the other night. Our sink was PILED with dishes, so I jokingly told them that we'd been having some strife over getting my husband to do the dishes when it's his turn. My friend actually said something really awesome: The man has to respect the woman. It has been said in General Conference that men will pay for the tears that they cause women, because they do have authority and that authority can be abused. She even said that if a marriage has real respect problems from the husband, then the couple should go to the bishop about it. That's not even crossing the lines into abuse, imo, it's just a matter of respect for women. I don't know is that helps, it just came to mind as I was reading this.

I know a woman who told me that as she was driving to conference one week, she was prompted to separate from her husband. They're back together now, and happily so. Pray about it! Definitely talk to your bishop, too. My husband and I went to counseling, and it really helped me decide to stay in the home while we were going to counseling.