tumbledquartz

I agree - I need to try harder to get my body healthy. To me in my life right now, though, that doesn't mean the same thing as trying to get skinny or to look a certain way. For the benefit of those who may not want to read through hundreds of posts I'll repeat here that I have tried to lose weight in the past and my success has been very limited. For most of last year, I was working with a trainer at the gym (which he originally objected to because of the cost, btw), working out 5-6 days a week, lifting weights and training for a triathlon, of which I ran 2. And I cut out some of my favorite snacks and tried to keep a food journal, though I wasn't religious about it that time. And I lost not one ever-living pound. However, when I quit the workouts because of an injury, I quickly accumulated 30 pounds that is just as determined to stick to me as the 20 or so I had before that. I'll tell you the time I had better success, though - it was 5 years ago, and I was doing awesome. I was losing weight and really feeling good about myself, rarely cheating on my diet, and my dear significant other of more than a decade chose the time period 2 months into that, to walk out on me without warning, break up with me via email and not talk to me for over a week, until I had a literal nervous breakdown and was taken to the hospital. So, I know that part of what is causing my grief with weightloss is the fact that he went and caused me serious emotional pain right in the time in my life when losing weight was my main focus. He admits now that that was the stupidest thing he's ever done, probably mostly because I might be skinny now if he hadn't derailed me. At that time, I weighed 40+ pounds less than I do now. But the bottom line is that at this point, I don't think it's possible for me to have a healthy relationship with weightloss. But I would like to get back to where I loved my body, took care of it, and felt good about myself. If I can separate that from worrying about my weight, well, that would be great. It sounds like quite the trick to me right now, if you wanna know, but that's what I'm going for.

Thanks. It's funny; I keep praying for direction and nothing has felt right. I talked to a divorce attorney (free consultation-style) so I would feel prepared, but I haven't felt like filing paperwork or even telling him that I'm thinking about divorce was right. When I've prayed about details, like what to do about the house, nothing has felt right. And just last night, when I was praying, I got the distinct impression that I am supposed to be letting him go, not filing for divorce at all. He made it sound the other day like he was going to bolt if I didn't make a firm commitment to losing weight. I had hesitated when he asked me and then said, "yeah, I'd like to lose some weight. I am going to try," his response was along the line of, "it's a good thing you said that because if you hadn't, I was ready to leave right now." So all I have to do, I guess, is tell him that losing weight isn't a priority and then try not to let the dust he kicks up on his rush out the door choke me too much. It's probably better this way anyway because then he can't blame me for leaving him. He still will do everything in his power to blame me, of course, but there will be that annoying bit of truth that he is the one who left me that he can't deny. I just feel kind of helpless and sad because thinking about showing him the door was kind of intoxicating, actually. BUT, I'm trying to follow the spirit because I screwed up the most important decision of my life the first time around. And if anything, this is even more important, with kids involved and everything, so I just want to make sure I do the right thing.

I haven't read that thread - I am only responding to your post. I can't be expected to know what attitude of truly seeking understanding you displayed in the past - I only know that here and now, you aren't presenting yourself as someone who is struggling, but as someone who has already decided. The point isn't just to get sealed and check it off a checklist. The point is to commit yourself to someone and work toward becoming a righteous husband or wife with them. I could elaborate more on this, but you don't seem open to hearing it, so I won't bother you further with my thoughts.

I'm feeling like I missed something interesting.... Maybe I need to move into my mom's basement so I have more time to read all the posts on this site.

Guast, if you are struggling with understanding something, maybe you should just say that instead of making it sound like you have already figured it out. I'm sure Leah would have responded differently if you had said, "I'm really struggling with understanding how the sealing works," rather than saying: "I would never, never get sealed" doesn't sound like a person who wants to hear what we have to say on the subject. But since you expressed in a subsequent post that you are struggling with this, I will tell you what I think about the question. Just because there are some people who will end up with someone different than the person they are sealed to doesn't mean that all bets are off. I'm sure for the vast majority of people, they will be with the person they are sealed to, but because some people are married to a person who won't be worthy to be with them in the next life, God will work out the details for those people.

Thanks, hommie. That was strangely comforting.

Just a few days ago, I had a talk with my husband about the things I want him to change, and that I'm going to eventually ask him to leave if he doesn't at least start working on a few important points. i.e. drug and alcohol abuse, and taking the counseling seriously, etc. (that's when he informed me that if I was skinny, he'd do anything I wanted. Apparently, from his actions since that conversation, he's not going to do anything I want since I'm not skinny.) Anyway, the other thing he told me that day is that all guys are like him. He claims that if the bishop's wife wasn't hot, that the bishop would be up there on the stand coveting the other women in church just like he does. He's also told me repeatedly that he's a good husband because he makes good money and he doesn't beat me. (He used to include not cheating on me on the short list of qualifications for a good husband, but he dropped that point a few months ago.) He still claims to be a great husband, though, just on the "money" and "not beating" points. To be a good wife, though, you have to be a trophy wife. Not sure how he lines those up in his brain...

So, would you be heartbroken, too, if she did it to you? Or just jealous? Because your comment that you wouldn't be interested in her anymore makes me wonder how deep your love for her runs. Not questions you have to answer to me, of course - just points to ponder.

No, you misspelled "you." You should have spelled it "I." ;-)

The Lord's Law of Health is: "keep your body healthy so that you can run and not be weary," not "get skinny so you'll be appealing to people who aren't losers."

Are you hoping, then, that some other woman who hadn't had sex with anyone at all on earth would then want to be with you? A nun, perhaps, or a child who had died before reaching the age of 8 and then grown up after the resurrection? Or would you just rather be alone than be with a woman who had ever been with another man?

One thing I think people forget in the question of who the children will be sealed to is that in the next life, all your children are going to be grown-up kings and queens, off doing their own thing, creating their own worlds. I don't think it will make a difference to our eternal happiness whether they are officially sealed to us or not. Hopefully in the next life, with our spiritual eyes opened, things like this won't matter so much anymore. Otherwise, there will be a lot of unhappy people in the celestial kingdom, and that just doesn't match with what we know about the next life.

Believe me, I know how appealing my personals ad would look. "Divorced, overweight 30-something woman with mental health issues and a handful of kids looking for tru luv." They'll be beating down my door for sure...

Some of you on this board are LDS anonymous strangers, and some non-LDS anonymous strangers. I think the fact that you are anonymous strangers is probably more important than your membership in the church when it comes to heeding your advice. I wanted the advice as a kind of informal way to gather data, but when it comes time to heed advice, I've been sticking with listening to my bishop, marriage counselor, and above all, the spirit. I agree that in most cases, divorce isn't the answer. All it does is end one set of problems and start a whole new set. And usually the new set is as bad or worse, especially for the kids. My bishop told me that people he's seen divorce have said that the hell they were in before they split up was nothing compared to the hell they lived through during and after the divorce. But in some cases, divorce IS the answer, such as physically abusive situations. My case isn't as clear-cut as that - my husband has never physically hurt me or the kids. But he is verbally abusive, he's an unrepentant drug addict (he is convinced that marijuana is medicinal for him and he has no plans to try and quit, ever), he's a quasi-repentant adulterer (he is sorry he did it to an extent, but he doesn't feel like it's really his fault, and he has said that if I don't get skinny, he will leave because he's scared that it will happen again), and he's a quasi-repentant alcoholic, (he says he knows it's wrong and he wants to stop, but he isn't doing anything right now to try and stop, and he isn't planning to do anything in the foreseeable future to try and stop, either.) Even the bible said that fornication is justifiable cause for divorce, although I don't think by any means that's saying it's an automatic reason. I think lots of people can come back from adultery. But when I sit in the marriage counselor's office, my husband justifies everything he's done and continues to do, points the finger of blame unflinchingly in my direction, and says that if I was hot, I would have him wrapped around my little finger - he would do anything I wanted, etc. and he says if I'm not committed to getting skinny, to tell him now so he can leave and find someone who is. That's not the kind of things you say if you want your wife to forgive you for cheating on her.

When I told my bishop that I was seriously thinking about a divorce, one of the things he said to me is that from his experience with other couples, the hell they were living in before divorce was nothing compared to the hell that came during and after divorce. That's not to say no one should ever divorce; just that it shouldn't be looked at as an easy way out of your problems. Like others have pointed out, he might have even more influence on your kids after a divorce because there will be times when they are in his custody and you have no control over that environment, over whether they make it to church, or over the conversions they have while you aren't there. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, but I can tell you this: you should pray earnestly and often, and don't make a decision until you can confidently say that the thing you are doing is what God wants you to do. With kids in the equation, the stakes are too high to have to live with regrets - get the counsel of your bishop and a good marriage therapist, etc. but most importantly, get the direction of the spirit and then follow it. Good luck!!

Talk about taking decluttering in bite-sized chunks - literally!

I really appreciate all of your advice on my thread "Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Wife?" Every time I've prayed about this, I've felt like I should stay and try to work it out. I do believe that people can change with God's help, and I was going to do everything I could to make it work, keep my family together, etc. And then one day I read this reply on this site: And as I read the words, "let him go," I felt the spirit. I was taken a little off guard by that because I've been in the making-it-work mode for so long. But as I've prayed and gone to the temple since then, I've felt several more witnesses that this is the right thing. So now, I have to face the fact that this is super scary and intimidating and I have no idea what to do. We have just started a new round of marriage therapy, and I don't really know what to say when I go the next time. I haven't given my husband any ideas that I'm thinking about this, and I don't know when I should do that. Should I seek legal advice first? Should I just tell him I want to separate and then serve him divorce papers after he's moved out? I don't really want to do this, but I don't want to stay with him the way things are, either. I just know that I've learned what happens when I don't follow the spirit and I don't want to do that again. (I don't know if I ever said this on here, but the spirit told me not to marry him in the first place, but I gave in to the pressure he put on me to do it anyway.) I'm afraid that I'm going to get a lot of pressure to stay with him from people - the bishop, friends, our counselor, maybe even him - and I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand up to everyone about this. I don't want to make basically the same mistake I made the first time. I don't know - thoughts? Advice?

My husband constantly complains about the house being messy. It's generally not gross - just cluttered. When I make efforts to clean it up, though, he still complains. He's never satisfied. He puts me down in other ways, as well. I'll point out to him that I'm getting things organized, and he'll complain still that I'm not concentrating on the things he thinks are more important. For instance, he wants the countertops and traffic areas clear. So if I do anything else when they aren't done yet, he complains. I've decided it'll never be good enough for him, so why bust my tail about it? It also makes it hard to do something when you feel like it's being demanded of you. I think we often put spouses and also children in positions where they either have to rebel or give in, without leaving them free to do the right thing because they choose it. It's hard to clean when your spouse just got done chewing you out for not cleaning. It feels like you're putting your tail between your legs, and no one likes feeling like that. I don't know what the situation is with you guys in particular, I'm just giving you some thoughts from my viewpoint. Good luck.

I also have bipolar. I have been back and forth on the medication issue. My first antidepressant was when #2 was a baby, and it made me worse. I went from depression to suicidal in a couple of weeks, and then from there to wanting to "take them with me" because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving them without a mom in this terrible world. So, I went back to the doc and he took me off that medication and put me on another and it helped me immensely!!! So, my basic message is to be careful with medications and monitor her reaction, but don't discount them altogether. Pray for guidance, and accept help wherever it comes from. She needs to learn to recognize when she's starting to feel overwhelmed and ask for help long before she gets to the point where she might hurt the children. I don't agree that there's no reason to take them away from her after the fact. Until she proves that she has changed in some way and decreased the chance that it will happen again, there's no reason to believe it won't happen again. I think this article's message applies: Healing the Sick - general-conference Good luck. I hope you and your wife are able to find ways to work this out for the benefit of yourselves and your children.

I wish I knew which part of my message you're saying this about. Like, are you asking if I'm seriously so dumb that I don't know how important it will be to any man that I be skinny? Or are you asking if I'm seriously thinking that I should stay with this jerk? Just curious, because your reply could be taken many ways and I'm wondering which way you mean it....

My personal belief is that true happiness doesn't come from outside factors - but they can make it harder. If my husband was a lazy bum and didn't try to look for work, that would make it harder. But no one has the perfect marriage and it's a matter of finding happiness in whatever your situation is. My situation makes happiness hard, but the more I pray and have faith, the more peace I feel from the spirit. The Lord can make it so we can't feel the burdens on our backs, but it's not a one time thing - you have to keep praying for it daily, hourly, and having faith. If Victor Frankyl can go through life in a concentration camp and still say things like the quote below, I think a woman can find happiness with an unemployed husband.

I kid you not, at the grocery store today there was a huge wolf-ish spider with a red spot on its back climbing on the scanning area. We pointed it out to the cashier, who spent some time trying to kill it with spray while thanking us for not letting her find out when it crawled on her hand. Ugh!

I have a lot of strange dreams, most nights. I've dreamed just about everything anyone's ever dreamed - I just dreamed the other night that a bunch of people came in the room when I was changing - some of the people were relatives, some were friends. I usually wake up relieved that it was a dream. I've had numerous dreams lately that my husband has left or divorced me - real possibilities in my life right now. I often have dreams that I'm living back with my parents, or that I'm back at school or that I've returned to a previous job, or some combination. Or I dream I'm making out with an old boyfriend. I've had dreams that my brother was shooting at me with a gun, that I found my parents dead in bed, and that my daughter was killed in a terrible accident. But I've also had dreams that I could fly, and other such positive things. Usually not, though. I often have nightmares, more frequently after watching scary movies, but sometimes just randomly. Like I said, I'm usually relieved to wake up. One of my most recurring dreams is that I'm back in school but I can't remember my locker combination or my class schedule or it's time for finals and I don't remember anything, haven't turned anything, and am basically hosed. My theory is that my brain is just throwing together random thoughts and memories and fears and hopes and just processing them in a random way. I'll dream that my current ward members are at my thirteenth birthday party, for instance. There was one time when I had a dream where I was visited by a dead relative who was trying to tell me something important. I couldn't hear him clearly, but I felt like I knew what he was trying to tell me anyway. But I don't know if it was real or not. That was also right before I went into a mental hospital for my bipolar. So, take that with a very large grain of sea salt, right??? I don't know; I really do believe that there are times when dreams have real meaning, like in the case of Joseph interpreting Pharaoh's dream, and such, but I think the majority of them are just random mental junk. I'd be interested to hear other perspectives, though.

I bet he swatted mosquitoes that tried to suck his blood, though. I can't tell you some of the horror stories I've had with spiders because I've told them to too many people for me to be comfortable with my anonymity on this site. Suffice it to say, I have felt your pain.

The lucky thing for you is that this is a church for sinners. Let he who is without sin, right? It might feel like everyone you go to church with are all righteous and sin-free saints, but they're not. Sure, some of them probably haven't committed any sexual sins, but I'd guess it's not the majority. Why do you think the general authorities talk about this in every general conference? Because there are a tiny percentage who aren't getting it yet? I think not. In fact, I know a bishop who said he doesn't even ask young men IF they have looked at pornography anymore - just how long ago, how often, and if they sought it out or ran across it accidentally. I'm not saying it's okay to keep sinning, though. Just that it's satan who wants you to feel like you don't belong with the rest of the members of the church because you're a sinner. Read Ether 12:27. God gave us weaknesses. Not just allowed it to happen, but purposely GAVE them to us so that we would be humble and come to Him and be grateful to Him when He helped us overcome them. So that someday, when our weaknesses become strengths (and they can be!!) we will thank God instead of ourselves.