Compassion

[Optimistic_Trish]

Compassion is something I really struggle with. Let me explain before you think I am cold hearted :)

One attribute of our Savior that I try very hard to attain is that of compassion. I love people. I love to serve them, I love to counsel with them, I love to debate and talk and fellowship. I love to be there for people in their times of need but I really struggle with people who are constantly negative and have a very hard time understanding depression (although I absolutely know that it is a real thing, that is why I have a problem!!!) I was blessed with the ability to see the good in times of bad. I generally see the good in people and things before the bad. When people are talking harsh about others I can usually point on the other side, like maybe they are struggling, or we each have our issues etc...I am patient with people who are hurting and non judgmental of those that are trying to find themselves....I try really hard to see the bigger picture and I have a strong testimony of the fact that our trials are but a small moment, that God is always there, and that it is how we choose during our times of trials that define us...I have had my trials and I remember clearly the feelings of sorrow that would accompany me during these times and times when I felt I couldn't push on I found strength in the Lord and knowing that he is there for me and that everything I experience will be for my good. I know I have cried many nights and felt pain that I felt no one could understand....

The problem is I have a very hard time talking to people who always seem depressed or have nothing happy to say about their lives. I have a hard time with those who see the bad but can't see the many blessings they have. I really struggle with feeling compassion for these people and I am guessing mainly because I don't understand it. I really really want to feel sympathy, I want to feel the love of Christ and I guess I am looking for good articles or other people's stories on their own struggling on this to help me overcome something I have been working on for over a year.

I have read the scriptures, I have prayed for compassion, I try to take a step back when tossed into the situation and try to think of what Christ would have me do, but I still feel like I am a long long ways from where I want to be.

I strongly believe Compassion/Charity is an attribute that one cannot afford to live without and any help or advice you can give would be greatly appreciated!!!

Thanks!!

[prisonchaplain]

It may be that what you are struggling with is not a lack of compassion, but frustration at not being able to help. Balance the good you can do by offering an example of peace and joy, and friendship, with your need not to be brought down yourself, by negative, and sometimes faithless thought and talk.

[pam]

Trishalisha..I just love you. You are one of the most optimistic people I know. However, there are just some that you are NEVER going to get to see the good sides of their lives. They love misery and love bringing people down with it. So don't think it a lack of compassion...as PC put it...just being frustrated that you can't wake people up to the good things.

[Moksha]

I really struggle with feeling compassion for these people...

Thanks!!

Sounds like it is hard to extend love to people who do not live up to our expectations for them. So what to do?

We could start by eliminating our expectations. They are after all our expectations and not those of the unloved others. With those out of the way, perhaps the love Christ spoke about can take root. It is not easy, but it should be worthwhile.

[prisonchaplain]

Sounds like it is hard to extend love to people who do not live up to our expectations for them. So what to do?

We could start by eliminating our expectations. They are after all our expectations and not those of the unloved others. With those out of the way, perhaps the love Christ spoke about can take root. It is not easy, but it should be worthwhile.

Moksha, how would you apply your suggestion to this scenario?

[WANDERER]

I prefer it when people have a sense of humour about what makes it difficult for others to be around you, as that goes a long way ; ) It may be your pessimism or optimism or indifference. We're all different in terms of strengths and flaws. Maybe we need that diversity to achieve balance in life and I find the things that are different about people have a way of pushing me along in terms of growth and in appreciating life.

And you can always laugh...I find when you get pessimists and depressed people to laugh...it's such good medicine...for you and for them. There's something rewarding about being able to make someone who doesn't smile a lot laugh and their laughter is so genuine and full of surprise.

Extremes at both ends make me smile. They make the world spin. There are those that dream wonderful dreams and those that prepare for the very worst...they are both needed in the world and should be loved. It's not easy being either ; )

[Moksha]

Moksha, how would you apply your suggestion to this scenario?

The scenario:

The problem is I have a very hard time talking to people who always seem depressed or have nothing happy to say about their lives. I have a hard time with those who see the bad but can't see the many blessings they have.

Don't worry about them not having positive things to say. This is a function of depression. Let the expectation go that happy things need be said by them.

Everyone has blessings, but if they can't see them, then don't expect them to do so. Something is interfering with this ability. Just love these folks the best you can.

Glad to oblige Chaplain. :)

[drjme]

People like to compete with the negative aspects of their lives. How many times in conversation do people go, "oh you think that is bad, wait till you hear what happened to me......." or "you think you have it bad, I have it bad......"

It's not about not loving people, it is about dealing with people and helping them to become grateful people and focus on the positive.

Usually if I am party to a negative 'wait until you hear what happened to me' conversation, I let a couple of people have their turn. I will then tell my story, which is made up of course, blown completely out of proportion, exaggerated and ridiculous, that people get the kind of look like 'are you serious?' I then will usually laugh and it snaps them completely out of their negative pattern.

It's so much easier to focus on the negative more than the positive, because it requires effort to consciously reverse our routine thoughts. You can help by just being you (if you are positive, happy, uplifting) because it rubs off on people after a while (just make sure though that their negativity doesn't rub off on you ).

And people begin to notice and ask 'why are you so happy/optimistic/grateful' because it is what everyone really wants after all.

I believe it all starts with gratitude. How can we expect more from life if we are not grateful for where and what we are and have?

[WANDERER]

Fed up with hearing one woeful story after another I asked a friend what they did with this person when they started becoming all negative and woeful. They said, "This never happens to me. We don't talk about stuff like that."

Aaarghgggghhhhhhh.

So frustrated and annoyed and really peeved with that, I marched off and put the person on the spot, "Why do I get to be the one that you tell all of this stuff to? Why me? Why not them? "

The answer...

"Because you listen."

[Honor]

I don't have much to add with regards to my amazing ability to cultivate charity (catch the sarcasm?), but I do recall a quote I read in Visiting Teaching message from June of 06. It was given by Marvin J. Ashton. The whole article is awesome but this is my favorite part:

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended. … Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other” (“The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 18–19)

I had a bishop in Las Vegas that was the most amazing example of this. My father in law (who happened to live in our ward at the time) tends to be an attention hog and has problems with lying and exaggerating to no end. Watching our bishop around him was amazing. EVERYTHING that he ever said to my father in law was with love. It's not like he was blinded by the lies he told, but he just knew better and still showed him love anyway.

I struggle with these same things too Trish - from listening to a testimony meeting and wanting to roll my eyes to not cutting people enough slack. I need be better at assuming that everyone is doing the best they can under their own circumstances - about which I may or may not have any clue. So if nothing else, just know that you're not alone and that as long as you're trying, you're not failing.

And I totally agree with Wanderer about laughter. Some of the best friends I've made have been found through moments when we could laugh together. It's hard to stay depressed around someone who seems like they're not. They bring you up to their level. Goodness knows that you have a gift for making people laugh Trish. You're awesome!

Here's the link to Elder Ashton's talk: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=5ad094bf3938b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

[Guest tomk]

Compassion is something I really struggle with. Let me explain before you think I am cold hearted :)

One attribute of our Savior that I try very hard to attain is that of compassion. I love people. I love to serve them, I love to counsel with them, I love to debate and talk and fellowship. I love to be there for people in their times of need but I really struggle with people who are constantly negative and have a very hard time understanding depression (although I absolutely know that it is a real thing, that is why I have a problem!!!) I was blessed with the ability to see the good in times of bad. I generally see the good in people and things before the bad. When people are talking harsh about others I can usually point on the other side, like maybe they are struggling, or we each have our issues etc...I am patient with people who are hurting and non judgmental of those that are trying to find themselves....I try really hard to see the bigger picture and I have a strong testimony of the fact that our trials are but a small moment, that God is always there, and that it is how we choose during our times of trials that define us...I have had my trials and I remember clearly the feelings of sorrow that would accompany me during these times and times when I felt I couldn't push on I found strength in the Lord and knowing that he is there for me and that everything I experience will be for my good. I know I have cried many nights and felt pain that I felt no one could understand....

The problem is I have a very hard time talking to people who always seem depressed or have nothing happy to say about their lives. I have a hard time with those who see the bad but can't see the many blessings they have. I really struggle with feeling compassion for these people and I am guessing mainly because I don't understand it. I really really want to feel sympathy, I want to feel the love of Christ and I guess I am looking for good articles or other people's stories on their own struggling on this to help me overcome something I have been working on for over a year.

I have read the scriptures, I have prayed for compassion, I try to take a step back when tossed into the situation and try to think of what Christ would have me do, but I still feel like I am a long long ways from where I want to be.

I strongly believe Compassion/Charity is an attribute that one cannot afford to live without and any help or advice you can give would be greatly appreciated!!!

Thanks!!

The simple fact of the matter is -- Christ powers it.

Charity is a GIFT from God. Not our GIFT to God. Meaning, He could easily see to the needs of each child without our help.

We are unprofitable servants. We must always remember this, lest pride enter in.

There is no actual Charity without personal revelation. Without personal revelation, we can still do much good, and we must try. We must not sit around waiting for God to reveal His will to us concerning other people. We are to act.

But the ideal is for our actions to flow from personal revelation. Otherwise, how can we meet the actual, deep down needs of others? Answer: We can't. God has made it clear that only He knows the hearts of those around us. Only He knows their true motives. Only He knows what they actually need vs what they think they need. We have a lot of ideas about what we think we need at the moment. The question becomes -- is that aligned with what God knows we need to experience? The alignment of the 2 is Charity. God's pure love for us resides in the fact that He alone can always meet our needs perfectly. His response is always correct and has eternity in mind, not just the next few weeks, or months only.

My advice is -- be patient. If this is the desire of your heart, it will be blessed and it will come to pass -- on His timetable, not yours.

It may be that there are some other areas that you need to focus on right now. Submit to God's charity for YOU. In other words, don't be so focused on compassion and Charity that you miss-out on the needful things God would have you be working on instead so that you CAN be more effective in rendering compassion and Charity.

All I can offer is words. Take whatever God confirms to you as true and run with it.

Love,

Tom

[Optimistic_Trish]

The scenario:

Don't worry about them not having positive things to say. This is a function of depression. Let the expectation go that happy things need be said by them.

Everyone has blessings, but if they can't see them, then don't expect them to do so. Something is interfering with this ability. Just love these folks the best you can.

Glad to oblige Chaplain. :)

The problem is I don't expect them to say positive things, as a matter of fact if anything I expect the opposite. The problem is I don't know what to say to them and I feel like my spirits are instantly dragged down. Then I sort of feel resentment or this not wanting to talk to them....and I KNOW this is not the right attitude, that is what I am trying to solve. I am trying to gain love and compassion for these people and to be an example of happiness, but its hard to be happy around people who are constantly negative!

DrJme, you have a great point! It isn't lack of love on my part, it is lack of trying to not to avoid them at all cost. I feel bad avoiding someone who I know needs love the most. At the same time I just don't know what to say...you can only say sorry for your trouble so many times!! You are absolutely right on the gratitude as well!! Good points

PC and Pam, thanks for your thoughts, I agree that it is frustrating and maybe it isn't a lack of compassion after all, although somewhat in the back of my mind I know that Jesus Christ would act differently toward them and be able to lift them up or show them unconditional love.

Honor! Thanks for the link to the article, it was a fantastic one! I am glad to know that others struggle with this as well. It is something I have often felt bad about but couldnt seem to change it, I knew this would be a good discussion and I really needed to just put my thoughts out there!

My advice is -- be patient. If this is the desire of your heart, it will be blessed and it will come to pass -- on His timetable, not yours.

It may be that there are some other areas that you need to focus on right now. Submit to God's charity for YOU. In other words, don't be so focused on compassion and Charity that you miss-out on the needful things God would have you be working on instead so that you CAN be more effective in rendering compassion and Charity.

This has been awesome you guys, thanks for your thoughts, if you have more I'd love to hear them :)

[Misshalfway]

The problem is I don't expect them to say positive things, as a matter of fact if anything I expect the opposite. The problem is I don't know what to say to them and I feel like my spirits are instantly dragged down. Then I sort of feel resentment or this not wanting to talk to them....and I KNOW this is not the right attitude, that is what I am trying to solve. I am trying to gain love and compassion for these people and to be an example of happiness, but its hard to be happy around people who are constantly negative!

My first question for you when I read this, is why does it bring you down? It doesn't have to. You don't have to be changed at all by someone's attitude or bad day or bad life. And if it does, you can withdraw from people who do affect your mood without feeling bad about that. I think we need to pick people to be around that help us feel good. I don't suppose there is anything wrong with that.

I suppose it is hard to be around people who are constantly negative and who seem to refuse to recognize the positive. I think we all need to feel special and sometimes having the "worst" experience helps some to feel special. I think a lot of us "need" certain things to feel special. Sometimes it is having the worst problem. And sometimes it is not having any problems at all! Both scenerios are inaccurate and out of balance.

It might help to look at why people are negative. I know from my study of family systems that the way we grow up can effect our attitudes about expressing happiness or positiveness. Some come away from childhood with "original shame" about who and what they are. Sometimes it is seen a prideful to accentuate the good. It can be a shameful thing to be too happy or too positive. Sometimes when a person shares something good about them self or their experience it can cause others to become jealous or retract in some way, and may cause someone to be very quiet about the good. Being negative about yourself and your circumstances can be a cover for insecurity or fear. I am not saying that any of this is healthy, I am just saying that most of us come from some level of family dysfunction and have to navigate those obstacles. I think it is also important to state that being too happy and failing to address problems can also be very detrimental.

I also think that there is a difference between being negative and suffering from a depression. For those who have not experienced the later, I do think it is hard to comprehend. Depression is terribly difficult. To know there is happy inside and not be able to access it, even when your logic tells you that you should. It is a little like Hell and not something that an attitude change can fix.

I guess my whole point is that I think loving people begins with understanding them. Taking out the judgement part and looking at people clean, I guess. Without pity either. Pity and sympathy can weaken people. Just taking them as they are. I heard a phrase once -- if you could see back into the life of your enemy three generations, you wouldn't be enemies anymore.

[Guest tomk]

...

...

...

...

This has been awesome you guys, thanks for your thoughts, if you have more I'd love to hear them :)

As a man, I only have so many words available to me per day, and I'm almost at my limit, so I have to be careful.

Versus women seem to have no word limit

hee hee -- just kidding.