Need quick advise for son's sleep-over

[johnnylingo]

Our bottom line is that we are not comfortable exposing him to lifesyles we do not condone.

This kid already knows his friend has two mothers. What exactly is he being exposed to?

These women are engaging in something we consider a sin. Other heterosexual parents may also be committing sins: viewing pornography, cheating on their taxes. The sins of smoking and drinking can be seen in restaurants or in the street. I hope wonder if this boy is being exposed to these sins, or the people who commit them.

While we don't have to be exposed to sin, we eventually learn that it exists, and what forms it takes. And sadly, sadly, sadly, that does start at 8.

[ruthiechan]

Obviously I wouldn't care about the "two moms" thing, but it's only sensible not to send them off for sleepovers when you don't know the other parents.

For the record, most people attracted to their own sex are not leering perverts rubbing their hands together with glee at the thought of doing inappropriate things in front of or even with a child. They are generally ordinary people, not really any more or less likely to be hardworking, decent, and trustworthy than anyone else, just with inclinations that differ from yours. So get to know them as who they are as individuals, not as a category.

Most heterosexuals are not leering perverts either.

However, sexual molestation is a serious thing. It could be those two mom's are the nicest decent people, but if someone they know drops by who is NOT a decent person then the children are in potential danger.

That said I think the OP is doing the right thing thus far.

[Slim]

Our family has a strict NO SLEEPOVERS rule. They can arrange for a "late night" and get picked up at 10 or 11, but my kids will sleep in my house under my supervision until they are adults. I went to many sleep overs when I was younger, and nothing good or spiritually uplifting ever happened, regardless of the religion of the parents. I was exposed to porn @ age 7 (on a sleepover) and at age 8,9,10,11,12,13,14............ect, you get the point. NO SLEEPOVERS for my kids, a blanket ban is easier to explain than trying to explain why 1 friend can and 1 cant. Its simply not worth it.

[Tamrajh]

While I enjoyed sleepovers as a child, I've had to rethink them now with my own children.

Our stake president recommended that we never allow sleep overs. He said this in stake conference years ago. His reasoning was this: in all the years he spent as Bishop and Stake President, most of the times that problems with porn started, sexual activity began, or sexual abuse was first introduced, it was at a sleep over. There is nothing good that will come of a sleep over.

Since then I have allowed my son to go on sleep overs, but they are few and far between and ONLY with families where I know both parents AND children well. Granted, that doesn't mean that nothing will happen because most people don't know when someone is abusive, but there have been a few instances that I have not allowed him to spend the night with friends based on the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I still rely very heavily on those promptings when determining whether or not he can sleep over at his friends' house and he's 15 now.

[Slim]

My dad was a Stake President when I was being exposed to porn at a friends house when I was 7, and the Holy Ghost didnt prompt him (he's an extremely righteous man) - I think its better to err on the side of caution, rather then wait for a prompting IMHO.

[Misshalfway]

My neighbor is a therapist and because of all the reported traumatic childhood stories that happened on sleepovers she has heard in her practice, she will not allow her kids to participate. She opts for the supervised stay late instead.

We have done sleepovers but I am very cautious about when and with whom. Most of the time we do the stay late thing too. It is a tricky thing because even sending the kids to spend the night with cuzzin's or other relatives can be unexpectedly scary.

[Jenamarie]

My neighbor is a therapist and because of all the reported traumatic childhood stories that happened on sleepovers she has heard in her practice, she will not allow her kids to participate. She opts for the supervised stay late instead.

We have done sleepovers but I am very cautious about when and with whom. Most of the time we do the stay late thing too. It is a tricky thing because even sending the kids to spend the night with cuzzin's or other relatives can be unexpectedly scary.

Ya, deffinately need to be cautious with family as well. My first exposure to porn was while sleeping over at my cousins' home (large family, lots of kids). An almost teenaged boy showing porn to a 5 year old. And it ended with me being shoved into his closet while he sat on his bed and "enjoyed" it some more. The images are still burned into my head. I'm still not 100% opposed to sleepovers, but I want to know the adults *really* well, and also want to know how late they'll be staying up to supervise the kids.

[Misshalfway]

And you know, we can protect our kids and should be dedicated about such efforts, but heck, they are going to be exposed at one time or another. Part of protecting our kids is arming them with proper choice making capabilities. I mean, we should talk to our kids about inappropriate viewing material and keep the lines of communication open. My kids had an experience with a 9 year old neighbor girl who taught them about sex one day and said she saw some neighbors stripping in the window of a nearby house. My kids told me about it and I was able to call this girls parents. They didn't have a clue their daughter even new that sex was anything but gender!

[Joette]

No sleepovers unless we know the parents ie they are close friends or family.

Kids need to be used to other situations/people/lifestyles.Emergencies happen & you may be forced to leave your children with somebody else-if they are familiar & comfortable & you trust that person it can help to diffuse what can be a stressful situation.

[ruthiechan]

JenaMarie that must have been very traumatic for you!

And that's the thing. You can trust the parents, but can you trust their children or the people that come over?

My dad was a Stake President when I was being exposed to porn at a friends house when I was 7, and the Holy Ghost didnt prompt him (he's an extremely righteous man) - I think its better to err on the side of caution, rather then wait for a prompting IMHO.

Tamrajh is prayerful about it and is seeking guidance. Your father didn't do that. He probably wasn't aware of the dangers. Maybe if he had stopped to think about it he would have received a prompting.

[taisama]

I don't think that it would be a problem to let your son have a sleep over at their house. I would offer to take him over to the house, though, to see if you could meet the parents. It would probably be a good idea to at least talk to them.

[RachelleDrew]

I don't think that either choice is going to scar your child for the rest of his life. So really it's about your personal preferences.

I think no matter what your choice is on the issue, if your son is friends with this child then you need to get to know his mom and her partner. I'm of the opinion that a parent should try and get to know their child's friends and their families.

The biggest reason being that you need to make sure you know what your kid is doing. I think this is also a good way to look out for your son's friends. If these two women are loving parents then i'm sure they would appreciate somebody trying to get to know their son and facilitate a responsible friendship between your children.

[Tamrajh]

I agree Rachelle. Might I also add, whether or not you allow your son to spend the night at the friend's house, I feel you should try to get to know his Mom's. It's just good practice to get to know other kids' parents. When the kids get older, you'll be glad you started doing it at this age because you'll be able to talk with other parents about what they're overhearing and seeing in your child. You can do the same for them. If you found out this child was into porn 5 years from now, but you hadn't gotten to know his parents and built a good relationship with them, would you feel comfortable talking to them? What if they found out it was your child, would they come to you? I doubt it but you would definitely want to know so you could help your child.

[MorningStar]

Ya, deffinately need to be cautious with family as well. My first exposure to porn was while sleeping over at my cousins' home (large family, lots of kids). An almost teenaged boy showing porn to a 5 year old. And it ended with me being shoved into his closet while he sat on his bed and "enjoyed" it some more. The images are still burned into my head. I'm still not 100% opposed to sleepovers, but I want to know the adults *really* well, and also want to know how late they'll be staying up to supervise the kids.

That's horrible. I have a not so wonderful cousin too who took me to my brother's room during a family Christmas gathering. If people can do that stuff right under your nose, imagine what they can do when your child is unsupervised overnight.

[ruthiechan]

That's horrible. I have a not so wonderful cousin too who took me to my brother's room during a family Christmas gathering. If people can do that stuff right under your nose, imagine what they can do when your child is unsupervised overnight.

Seriously. Just because a parent is home does not mean that all activities are supervised. A lot can happen in the few minutes it takes to use the restroom or answer the phone.

[MorningStar]

It sure can. Thank goodness my mom went to look for me and caught my cousin in the act so it could never happen to me again. I don't think he's spoken a word to me since, which confused me until my mom told me what he did when I was 17. She told him if he went near me or my sister, she would kill him. I guess she scared him successfully.

[Islander]

Sexual sin and unmorality has a grip on society greater than chemical dependency. But it is quite legal and there is no apparent economic loss or visible outward/social impact away from the family. Thus it is ruled a "private affair".

This is the true reason why they want God out of everything. He interferes with people's "social/sexual agendas"

I grew up in a small island in the Caribbean so we had no porn in any shape or form that I was aware of. When I came to California in the 90's to go to college the "Pussy Cat Theaters" were still around, but they had an aura of filthiness and obscurity that was truly overwhelming. I never knew of anybody that went there. In many hours I spent half a block away from one of those establishments while waiting for my bus to go to school every day I never saw anyone go inside there.

But now with the internet it is everywhere. I am just amazed.

[ruthiechan]

I should probably mention that I have gone to sleep overs. BUT, they were always highly regulated church activities. I've also gone to Girls Camp and other church related camping trips, one that was even co-ed. But again, it was all highly regulated so there wasn't much in the way of issues. We also had a Mia Maid slumber party. My teacher was a single Mom so I don't know if it still would've happened if she had a husband.

Such were always good experiences.

However, my parents never let me stay over night at a friend's house.

[Stacey_Jay]

I think sleepovers a part of growing up. I think the bad experiences here are unfortunate but rare. When I was a young teenager I think I went to a sleepover almost every week! Nothing bad ever happened, it was innocent-we talked about boys, of course, did each others make up and hair and talked until it was light outside. If I remember rightly most of our conversation was focused on periods rather than porn or anything innapropriate. It was fantastic bonding for me and my friends and one girl I am still close to to this day. Ahhhh the memories. Those were the days.......

[Misshalfway]

I am with you Stacy. I slept over lots of times but I also had really good friends that came from really good families. But I have so many friends with similar experiences as Rachelle. It is a shame because they really can be fun.

[MorningStar]

I have good memories from sleepovers too - they were usually with our Young Women classes or something like that. I'm more uncomfortable with the one on one sleepovers.

I was always last to fall asleep at slumber parties. One time this other girl was awake too and we decorated the sleeping girls' faces with make-up. Also, we learned to sleep with our bras in our pillow cases because some girls would get them wet and put them in the freezer.