littleadventures Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Hello Everyone. I joined yesterday and have already had an outpouring of love from many of the members on this site. I stumped across this website in the search engines as I was looking for a resource or support group to help me in my life right now. I loved how this site was geared around the gospel and was also very positive. To give everyone a brief background without boring you to death....I have been married for 16 years. I married young and got pregnant on my honeymoon (doctor and parents failed to educate me on how to properly avoid pregnancy). Pregnant and sicker than a dog, I worked hard to complete my Junior year at BYU. Within three months of being married my husband hurt his back and had to have surgery. He has suffered constant pain since the day he injured himself. Struggling to be happy in my marriage, I put all of my energy and love into my children. I always wanted to have a lot of kids so I continue to move forward and had more children. Seven years into my marriage and 4 kids later, I found out my husband was addicted to gambling. At the time I had been running a day care out of my home so I could remain home with my young children. Turns out he had lost gambling the exact dollar amount I had worked so hard to earn that year. I was heart broken that he could make me work so hard. I had no choice to stick with the marriage as I felt like my kids needed their Dad. He loves his children very much. My anger was diffused in a business idea I had. A good friend put a lot of faith in me and joined me in a business adventure. At the end of our first year of the business and while I was still running a day care, trying to catch up on things financially, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant again. I have no idea how this one happened because I was being so careful. This pregnancy was the hardest of all of my pregnancies. Looking back I think it was because of the stresses I was having to carry. I was Young Women's President, Working full time running a day care out of my home, starting my own business and trying to raise 5 children of my own. Yikes! Fortunately my business took off and I was blessed to be able to quit the day care business. My business gave me a good escape from my marriage problems. About the time that my business was succeeding, my husband Ryan decided he could no longer work because his back pain was too great. Convenient huh??? Within 3 months of quitting work he was on so many over the counter pain pills that I was scared to death to even let him drive. One day everything came to a head when I found out he had been gambling online again. I immediately called the police and had him escorted to a Rehab Center in Southern Utah where he stayed for a month. While he was in Rehab, I had great hopes that he would change. He returned home with the desire to go back to work and to live life to its fullest. I thought I had found a miracle and that he had really changed. Well, it lasted for about a month. He now spends all day in bed watching TV and playing on his laptop. If he does get out of bed it is to go golfing (amazing he can golf but he can't sit through church or help with the dishes). I have had to cut all access to financial accounts from him. I have allowed him to stay because I don't want to hurt the kids. They love their Dad and he loves them. I discussed divorce with him recently and he attempted suicide as a result. I don't know how I would ever live with myself knowing I caused him to commit suicide. I don't think I could ever forgive myself. So, as you can see....I feel trapped, alone and discouraged. I love my children and want what is best for them but I also want what is best for me. I will make the best of it until the day I die if that is what it will take for me to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. However, aren't we suppose to have JOY in this life? Adam fell that men might be, Men are that they might have joy." I am just taking things one day at a time. My oldest is 16 and my youngest is 5. My children are beautiful and I love them very much. I pray every day that I will make the best decisions for me, for them and for their Dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 welcome to the site, i hope you find the support you are looking for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkCow Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 · Hidden Hidden Welcome! We are ALL here for ya! =) Link to comment
Truegrits Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Welcome, littleadventures.My heart goes out to you. That you have persevered and remained strong throughout your many trials, shows the determination of a strong woman, and the love and dedication of a mother that wants what is best for her children. I hope and pray that you will find resolution, and the peace and joy you are seeking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Sister,It sounds like your husband needs a reality check.......maybe he is suffering from depression. I wish you well, not an easy decision. Don't rush into anything, these are eternal choices......... Welcome to the site !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 We are here for you sister and if there is support, you are in the right place. Welcome to the forum and listening to the Holy Spirit. May the Lord bless you in saving your husband and devoting yourself to the Savior during these crisis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siouxz72 Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Welcome to the site! We all hope that we can help support you in what's going on in your life. bytor could be right..it sounds like depression. And one thing to keep in mind with his threat of suicide... That would never be "your fault". That's a choice he would be making all on his own for his own selfish reasons to make you suffer. It sounds like he's manipulating the whole situation pretty well for his own benefit. Remember to stay close to the Lord during a time like this..He will guide you and bring you comfort...even if it's in the form of us :) We're all here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleadventures Posted July 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 You hit the manipulation right on the nail. My counselor says Ryan is the best manipulator he knows. We have also addressed the depression issues. He takes anti-depressants now. Unfortunately, he has made some choices in his life to be lazy and let the world serve him. I try to not let him manipulate me too much and let him coexist in my home so my kids can have easy access to him. I would have left him long ago but I believe that if anyone can help him change it is me. It requires a lot of tuff love and TONS of emotional stress on my part but at this point....until my kids are raised...I have to give it my all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 That is good point....you will be rewarded for your effort. What my surprise you, if it has happened all already, he may not have that same spirit with him currently as it was when you first met. Something he must make a cognizant effort in striving to receive that constant companionship with the Spirit. It starts with his core desire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
utcowboy Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Best of luck, and I hope we can offer some help and comfort :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintiejo Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Welcome! I admire you for the things that your doing to keep your children happy. I don't know if I would be strong enough. Good Luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Welcome to the site. Sadly, there are many people who choose a lesser goal than to be celestial. Pres Packer's "good, better, best" theme should always be on our minds. It is good that you are seeking to endure for your children's sake. However, make sure that his bad example is not affecting your children. Make sure they understand that while they should love their Dad, and he loves them, he has some issues that he has to work through. Encourage them to follow his good side, and avoid his bad habits. My wife has an ex-husband that did a lot of manipulation, etc. You have to continually evaluate and re-evaluate the relationship, to ensure it is actually helping and not hurting to have him there. As for his suicide attempts, etc., put the monkey back on his shoulders. Tell him that if he is going to live in the house, there are expectations. If he doesn't live up to his part, then he gets to move into the garage or in a tent in the backyard. It's only fair that he pull some of the load, even if it isn't his "fair share." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyL Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Welcome to the site! We are here for eachother and the support you need is within your reach. You are a spiritual inspiration to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaidservantX Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 I identify with your situation. Welcome to the site. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Hello and welcome to this site :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LdsNana Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Welcome... as you noted, there is a lot of love and support from LDS members her on LdsNet. It sounds as though you have quite the busy life keeping up with callings and family. tDMg LdsNana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well my dear, I too, can relate to your situation. I know all about manipulation and victim mentality and medicating and escaping. I was reading your last post....and I wondered why you felt that you were the only one who could help him change. That perspective is a red flag to me. I have done that too. The truth is that HE is the only one who can do that and He can only do it the way the rest of us do....by taking responsibility and relying on our Higher Power for help. You can't change him and when you sign on for that kind of effort, you hitch your wagon to a sinking ship and you start sinking too! Thru my situation, I am learning to hand the responsibility for happiness and healing and change back to the proper people in my life. And then I am learning to take care of my own happiness and healing. We as women do make hard choices for our children. We sometimes carry too much in order to protect them and sacrifice the wrong parts of ourselves to help control uncontrollable situations and out of control people. I look back at some of my sacrifices and I realize that sacrificing the wrong things not only hurts me but it hurts the other important people in my life too. I am now learning that acting in my best interest is usually in the best interest of others as well. I don't know if you should remain with this man or not. I have no answers on that score. But I do however believe that you don't have to help him maintain this pattern of destructive behavior and you don't have to keep putting yourself in a position to be hurt by it either. You don't have to give in the manipulation and you don't have to babysit or carry him or take care of him. In fact, you might be making it worse by going along with his "stuff" and doing him a bigger dis-service by taking on this responsibility. Getting married means we agree to share our lives with another. It doesn't mean that we agree to become a doormat or a martyr or caretaker. Whenever we take responsibility on that is not ours, we stop loving. Does that make sense? And we actually enable the behavior that is hurting us. You do, however, have the responsibility to yourself to make choices that protect you from being used or exploited. You don't have to give up your happiness and dreams and satisfactions because your husband chooses a destructive path. There is nothing in this gospel and our temple covenants that requires us to sacrifice in these unhealthy ways and I don't think God would for even a second sacrifice your earthy joy for your husband's unfair needs. I think you do better for your kids when you show them an example of how to deal with difficult people in healthy and balanced ways and how to teach other people how to treat you, then going on and on year after year wearing yourself out. I don't know how these are manifest in your life. But in mine they are all about boundaries, and detachment and the principles of self responsibility and self care. The more I practice these concepts the more loving I am to myself and those around me. Perhaps you could take steps to make your life safe and controlled and hand him and his problems over to God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleadventures Posted July 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Those are all great points and they give me a lot to think about. Your words of advice are loving and make sense. It seems so simple when you say it but yet it seems so hard in reality. I pray I have the strength I need to stand tall and do what is right. The most difficult part is that he is using his health as the reason he is not able to get out of bed. I know he can work but others see him as the poor guy that is bed ridden and ill. I am the one abandoning him and leaving him alone. I am the bad guy! Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Those are all great points and they give me a lot to think about. Your words of advice are loving and make sense. It seems so simple when you say it but yet it seems so hard in reality. I pray I have the strength I need to stand tall and do what is right. The most difficult part is that he is using his health as the reason he is not able to get out of bed. I know he can work but others see him as the poor guy that is bed ridden and ill. I am the one abandoning him and leaving him alone. I am the bad guy! Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it!Oh honey!!!! I wish I could tell you how much I relate to those words! I am sure I have uttered the same ones and believe me when I say that I understand how hard it is!!!First of all, commit to yourself that you will only believe truth about yourself. Are you really the bad guy? I know he prolly wants you to believe that because if he can control you with that guilt then you will stay to take care of him to prove you are 'nice'. I think that is crap and you hand that crap back to him and refuse to go there.Maybe you could also start will little boundaries. Like, if he is hungry he has to get out of bed and come to the table or maybe make his own! Or, maybe you will restrict his access to your money and tell him if he wants to spend money he will have to earn it himself. I don't know. I am just imagining. I think that whatever windows open up for you in terms of boundaries, you should start there. In my experience, the action of setting one boundary usually leads me my next step and also builds strength to help me do it.Much love to you! Hugs and strength and power to fight lies and manipulations!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleadventures Posted July 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 You have given me a great place to start! You are an answer to my prayers. Thank you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted July 23, 2008 Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 I'd also like to point out that there are many at home jobs that people can do. Even if he is only bringing in a few dollars an hour, it is honest work, and allows him to strengthen his own self esteem. It also allows you the ability to guide him back to being the husband he needs to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya Posted July 26, 2008 Report Share Posted July 26, 2008 I also can realate to your problems in my way and after many years I feel the happiness may be getting back... Most difficult in your case is that it really seems he cant understand that he needs to really change! I pm you, if you dont mind... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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