In need of some clean humor!

[Guest Godless]

***This came up in a discussion on alternative worldviews on another forum I post on. It was too funny not to share, and I'm giving the original author credit.***

I don't want risk [ticking] off Thor. In mathematical terms it is simple risk analysis.

* Chance of Thor existing = A = small number (lets say say one three trillionth of a percentage point)

* How much it will hurt if I [tick] off Thor= B = INFITINTY OH MY GOSH WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FACE TIMES INFINITY GAZILLON OUCH!

* Chance of Thor not existing = C = 1-A

* What I have to gain by doing something that would [tick] off Thor = D = Not a whole lot...

So in scientific terms:

A*B-(C*D)= Too much hurt to handle

Moral: Be nice to Thor!

[Dr T]

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?

An independant!

[pam]

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest.

Just then, one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.

"Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester."

"Really?" he asked. "What's your major?"

[pam]

My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of our daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost."

"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

[pam]

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[pam]

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it.

She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."

[pam]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[pam]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[rameumptom]

LETTER FROM A BACKWOODS FARM KID ...

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man

Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you

got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I

am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and

shine

some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there¢s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,

but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other

regular food,

But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on

coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route

marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as

far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals

for

shooting.I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it

ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is

lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own

cartridges.They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle

with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in

Silver Lake.I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds

and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt

and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto

this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol

[recon]

Why did Christ cross the road?

he was nailed to the chicken

[pam]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the beginning of the 21st century, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

[pam]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968.

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[pam]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[pam]

A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!

[pam]

Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"

As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them.

So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on."

Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL.

"St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL."

St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

[Dr T]

A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[pam]

A student comes to a young professor's office.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything...

"He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Edited February 22, 2009 by pam

[lilered]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The

coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart

failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of this third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

[pam]

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone.

After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck.

Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

[pam]

An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[pam]

Some well-placed puns are simply too good to pass up. Consider this one about the doctor and the bartender.

A local physician en route to home regularly stopped off at the local tavern for a hazelnut daiquiri. The bartender, who could count on the doc's arrival like clockwork, always had the drink fresh on the bar.

But one evening, to the bartender's dismay, he found himself out of hazelnut liqueur for the doctor's favorite drink. So he quickly made a daiquiri with hickory nuts and had it ready when the doctor showed up.

The physician duly arrived, took a sip and complained, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"Nope," the barkeep replied, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[Dr T]

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

[Maya]

A little old english lady was looking for an apartment in Swizerland.She asked a local school teacher to help. Finally she found a good place and returne dto London to get her things. There she suddenly noticed she had not noticed if ther was a bathroom and a water closet as she called it. That is why she wrote to the teacher. However the teacher did not underatand what WC stod for. She could not think they would mean a bathroom. He asked the opinion of the local priest. Who right away undertod taht WC stod for Wesli Church. So the teacher wrote bck top her:

Dear madam, WC is within 10 kilometers (15 miles) from your house in the middle of a beautiful park. It rooma 350 people and is open every week on Tuesdays, Thuersdays and Sundays. A lot of people are visitin ther eduring the summer, so I advice you to go early, even though ther are many standingplaces. Some people have a picknick there, and stay all day, especially on Thuesdays when there is organ music. Acustics is perfect and one can hear the slightest sound.

You may be interested to know that my daughter was married in WC and that is where she met him too.

I hope you will make the bazar that will soon be held there. The income will be used for soft seats, that are badly needed, all the old ones have holes.

My wife is sickly so she can not attend regularly. Her last visit was 6 months a go. Ofcourse it is very painfull for her that she can not visit ther more often.

I am eager to help you in all possible ways and I will be happy to reserv you a chair in front or by the door, just as you wish

Yours sincerely the teacher.

[gabelpa]

Here's one bouncing around the office, (We're in Scotland, so scots telling jokes about scots is kosher)

A Scotsman was on a long train journey. He was already tired and just wanted to sleep. A rather lively lawyer sat across from him, and tried to strike up a conversation. The Scotsman brushed him off, saying that he had already travelled from Scotland, and was tired, just wanted to sleep.

The lawyer had an idea, his colleagues had said that the Scottish were a slow-witted people, and being a learned man, he thought he would have some fun.

"Would you like to play a game to pass the time?" the lawyer asked. The Scotsman declined. The Lawyer then said, "I will make it worth your while. For every question I ask you that you can't answer, you give me £5. You can then ask me a question, and if I do not know the answer, I will give you £500."

The Scotsman was intrigued, and agreed though he was still tired. The lawyer said, "Ok, I'll go first." He then asks a convoluted legal question, that the Scotsman couldn't possibly answer. The Scotsman just takes a £5 note from his wallet and gives it to the Lawyer. The lawyer was feeling a bit smug, and told the Scotsman to take his turn.

The Scotsman thinks for a moment, then asks the Lawyer, "What goes up a hill on 3 legs, and comes down it on 4?" The Lawyer is stumped. He calls all his learned friends on his cell phone, uses his laptop to search, while the Scotsman slept.

An hour later, the Lawyer wakes the Scotsman. "I don't know the answer to your question." The lawyer then gives the Scotsman £500. The Lawyer asks, "So, what does go up a hill on 3 legs, and comes down it on 4?"

The Scotsman hands the lawyer another £5 note and goes back to sleep.

[pam]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."