daenvgiell Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Q. what did one eye say to the other? A. something smells betwee us Q. how do you stop a dead fish from smelling? A. hold its nose Q. what's the best thing to put in your apple pie? A. Your teeth. They really do need a groan button... just for this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captmoroniRM Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Why did the monkey fall off the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the girl fall off the bike? Somebody threw a refrigerator at her. Why can't Helen Keller Drive a car? Because she's dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 The Way to Heaven A little boy was waiting for his Mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is? The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Just how bad is it ? Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear The economy is so bad: CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico The most highly-paid job is now jury duty Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting People in Africa are donating money to Americans Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?" Motel Six wont leave the light on The Mafia is laying off judges Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Job Applicant A man seeking to join a Montana Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. " "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Why men don't write advise columns? Dear Walter, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ************************************************************* Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Walter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your Pa in there." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 A man goes to an ophthalmologist for the first time, and the receptionist asks him why he is there. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," the man says. "Have you ever seen a doctor?" the receptionist asks. "No," says the man impatiently. "Just spots." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 A little boy answers the ring of the doorbell, then runs to his father. "Daddy," the boy says, "there's a man at the door who says he is taking up a collection for a community swimming pool." "Okay, son," his father says. "Give him a glass of water." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Spot the LDS family in this photo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 First Man: Fairer than.... Fairer than th.... .Fffff... .Fairer than thhhhh....Second man: You can't say fairer than that!A man walks into a bar.And says "ouch".(It was an iron bar.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Spot the LDS family in this photoLOL I definitely wouldn't like to meet them down a dark alley! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 The city slicker was talking to the farmer over the fence when he noticed something unusual. "Why does that pig only have three legs" he asked. The farmer replied 'That is an amazing pig. Two weeks ago the house caught on fire and my wife passed out from the smoke. The pig saw what was happening. He broke out of his pen, ran into the house and dragged her out into the fresh air". "That is an amazing pig alright". Said the man, "but why does he only have three legs"? "That's not all", replied the farmer. "Last week I was fishing in the creek. I lost my balance, fell in and hit my head. The pig ran over, jumped in the water and pulled me to the bank. That sure is an amazing pig" The city man agreed. "That is an amazing pig. But why does he only have three legs" The farmer answered. " A grat pig like that, you don't expect me to eat him all at once, do you". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Glad to see you finally made it to the site Churchmouse. Glad we got that all fixed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thank you ever so much, Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 · Hidden Hidden For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice. Link to comment
lilered Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Spot the LDS family in this photoMoksha: My family and I are a little upset that you used our picture without our permission. P.S. Our pet parakeet is also in the picture but is snuggled down in my wifes hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Older members have probably heard this one before, but maybe some news members haven't. A small plane was skyjacked over Utah. The skyjackers only wanted the plane and no hostages. They decided to throw the three passengers out. Before doing so, they said they could each have one final wish granted. The first passenger was a Primary President. "I'd like to sing my favorite Primary song" they said her wish would be granted. The second Passenger was a High Councilman. "I have a talk I had prepared to give this Sunday" . Could I give it here" They said his wish would be granted also. The last passenger was a Bishop. His Wish. "May I be thrown out after the song". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. ' Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Bob asks his friend Fred to watch his pet gorilla while he goes on vacation. Before the big day Bob takes the time to explain to Fred the does and don't of gorilla care, after a couple hours of this Bob warns Fred, "No matter what you do, don't touch him." Bob goes on his vacation and Fred does a fine job until his curiosity starts to get out of control, "Why can't I touch the gorilla? What will happen?" he starts thinking. After a couple days of this Fred can't take it any more, he walks up to the gorilla and touches him on the shoulder. The gorilla starts going crazy, beating on its chest, yelling and stomping on the ground. Fred runs... and runs... and runs... No matter what he does however he can't shake the gorilla, its staying right behind him. Fred is getting exhausted at this point and before to long his lungs burn and his legs are rubber, he decides death by Gorilla doesn't sound as bad as running himself to death. So he stops and turns to face the gorilla. The gorilla beats its chest in triumph touches Fred on the chest and says, "You're it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truegrits Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."So the old farmer went about his farm chores.Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.