In need of some clean humor!

[omega0401]

Movie morals have changed. When I was a kid, a film was obscene if the horse wasn't wearing a saddle. ---Danny Thomas

[omega0401]

One day, four high school students decided to cut their morning classes. After lunch, they reported to their teacher that their car had had a flat tire. The teacher simply smiled and said, “Well, you missed the test this morning, so take your seats and get out your notebooks and take the test.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to settle down. Then she said, “First question. Which tire was flat?”

[omega0401]

There's a charming story that Thomas Wheeler, CEO of the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company, tells on himself.

He and his wife were driving along an interstate highway when he noticed that their car was low on gas. Wheeler got off the highway at the next exit and soon found a run-down gas station with just one gas pump. He asked the lone attendant to fill the tank and check the oil, then went for a little walk around the station to stretch his legs.

As he was returning to the car, he noticed that the attendant and his wife were engaged in a animated conversation. The conversation stopped as he paid the attendant. But as he was getting back into the car, he saw the attendant wave and heard him say, "It was great talking to you."

As they drove out of the station, Wheeler asked his wife if she knew the man. She readily admitted she did. They had gone to high school together and had dated steadily for about a year.

"Boy, were you lucky that I came along," bragged Wheeler. "If you had married him, you'd be the wife of a gas station attendant instead of the wife of a chief executive officer."

"My dear," replied his wife, "if I had married him, he'd be the chief executive officer and you'd be the gas station attendant."

[Guest Godless]

***This post has been removed due to a copyright violation claimed by the Church of Scientology***

[pam]

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

[pam]

A little boy and his father are visiting a zoo. The little fellow seems especially taken by the penguins and stares at them thoughtfully for a long time.

Finally, he turns to his father.

"I think the penguins must be the oldest animals in the world," he says.

"Why do you say that, son?" his father asks.

"Because they're in black and white."

[pam]

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

[pam]

A young woman and her husband both work full time, but the fellow never helps out around the house. To him, housework is woman's work.

But one evening the woman comes home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and the table set. She is astonished, and she wonders what's up.

It turns out that he fell has read an article that says wives who work full time and have to do their own housework are too tired to have sex.

The night goes well, and the next day she tells her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. My husband even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about sex afterward?" one of her friends asks.

"Oh, that was perfect too," she says. "He had a headache."

[pam]

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[pam]

Driving in Nevada, a man stops at gas station with sign out front that says: LAST STATION FOR MILES

He fills up and goes in to pay. He tells the attendant, "Your sign is untruthful. I can see at least three more stations down this road. Why the lie?"

The attendant grins and replied, "I'm Miles!"

[pam]

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey," he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting. She runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetheart.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight, and on the big day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walking toward him, the lobster father yells to his daughter.

"I knew it," he shouts. "Here comes that crab, and he's drunk."

[pam]

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.

He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"

She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"

[pam]

These are the Hallmark cards for dysfunctional families and less-than-wholesome sentiments.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life ... (Inside card) I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life ... (Inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (Inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (Inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ... (Inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ... (Inside card) Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me ... (Inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (Inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (Inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ... (Inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... (Inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ... (Inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi and Arkansas and certain areas of the Carolinas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (Inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

[pam]

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband.

"She's probably right," he said.

[Newcomer4831]

Here's one I enjoy and also about the founder of Buddhism:

In Buddhism, it's required that people who join the Order [sangha] must beg for food. People are not obligated to give them alms, but they do so just as some one donates in the collection plate.

In a village where the Buddha was collecting his alms, a row of people gathered as to put food in the begging bowl of the wandering monks. However one man entered the line not to give alms.

When the Buddha reached the man, the man verbally abused the Buddha scolding, "I hear you are wise. What's a wise man doing begging for table scraps? If you are wise, you would get a job like the rest of us instead of free loading. Why don't you say something wise unless you are indeed a fool?"

The Buddha asked "If you present a gift to someone who refuses to accept your gift; to whom does the gift belong to?"

The man replied, "To him who gifted the present. Why?"

The Buddha cunningly responded, "Then I refuse your gift of abuse, for now you shall receive it back." He got many dirty looks from the villagers immediately afterwards.

[pam]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.

He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

[pam]

During an election campaign, a city hall reporter who is covering the campaigns goes into a hospital and tells the nurse at the desk, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor," the nurse says. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," the reporter says.

"But there is no such doctor," the nurse replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

"I'm telling you, I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"And I'm telling you," the nurse says, "that there is no eye-ear doctor. But if there were one, why would you want to see her?"

"Because," the reporter replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

[Dravin]

Okay, now that Buddhism has been brought up that reminds me, and its probably been mentioned before:

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

[pam]

Okay, now that Buddhism has been brought up that reminds me, and its probably been mentioned before:

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

I must be really dense in the early hours of the morning...Okay so I'm dense all the time...but I don't get this one.

[pam]

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

[pam]

My friend, a grocery store manager, chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching the perp with a leaping tackle in cleaning supplies.

That's when my friend noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.

"Everything's fine, folks," he assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than 10 items."

[Churchmouse]

The country girl married and moved to the city. Several years later she accepted an invitation to visit her brother's farm and stay for a few day. She noticed the large number of flies and asked her brother why he didn't do something about them. "What can I do" was his reply. "You could pour some white lime down the outhouse hole and put screens on the windows" said the sister. He responded, " I can pour white lime down the outhouse, but I can't afford no screens"

When the sister visited again the next year she noticed screens on the windows. When she questioned her brother about them. He said, " I changed my mind when I saw the white flies on the dinning room table".

[skippy740]

New Flavor at Baskin Robbins!

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor: "Barocky Road."

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you..

Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Aren't you feeling stimulated?

[lilered]

BOB & THE BLONDE and the Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[Dravin]

I must be really dense in the early hours of the morning...Okay so I'm dense all the time...but I don't get this one.

My understanding is the goal of a Buddhist is Nirvana which results in one no longer entering the reincarnation cycle and becoming one with the universe, aka one with everything (now whether that means, in harmony with, aware of or something else I've no clue). I'm sure one of the board Buddhists will be along to correct me, or at least someone with a better understanding.