In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.

The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."

A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

[pam]

A woman takes her son with her when she visits friends at an office where she used to work.

While they are talking in the crowded break room, one of the employees begins to make a pot of coffee.

"What are you doing?" the little fellow asks.

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answers.

"Wow!" exclaims the boy. "You know how to make beer?"

[pam]

A man walks by a table in a hotel and notices three men and a dog playing cards. The dog is playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man comments.

"Not so smart," says one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."

[skippy740]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What's yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy's a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

____________________________________________

A man died and went to Hell. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was flirting with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man complained. "I roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

____________________________________________

Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

A. Never enough.

____________________________________________

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

[pam]

I wonder if Just_A_Guy would find these humorous.

[Moksha]

Brigham Young never asked the question: Why does the chicken cross

the road.

All he said was: "If ye be a comely chicken, get thee to my hen house hence".

- Moksha, Timpanogos Mental Health, Locked Ward, Long Forgotten File Case, 2009

[ploomf]

Don't think this is true but it's still funny.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Moksha]

From my email:

Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday?

The swine flu

Swine flu isn’t a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we’ll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.

This little piggy went to market,

This little piggy stayed at home,

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

[pam]

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer.

She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.

She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

[pam]

Two teenagers are arrested for possession of marijuana after they are found smoking a joint in a downtown park.

The arresting officer tries to reach both sets of parents, but both are out, so he tells the kids they are entitled to one phone call.

Some time later, a man enters the station. The sergeant says to him, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the man replies. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

[ploomf]

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Jamie123]

The scene is Imperial Rome, some time in the first century BC. Marcus Junius Brutus, having yet again defeated the Gauls, returns to Rome at the head of his triumphant army. He is greeted by Caesar who congratulates him and says:

"Brutus my friend! You have already been awarded every honor that Rome can bestow! We have therefore invented a new honor especially for you: The skin of a slain Gaul, filled with eighty four thousand seven hundred and sixty nine Smarties! (*)"

"This is indeed a great honor!" says Brutus, bowing low to Caesar, and he gratefully drags his skinful of Smarties home.

A few years later Brutus has retired from the Roman army. He is sitting in his garden one day, totally bored, when suddenly he remembers his Smarties.

"I know!" he says. "I'll count them!"

So he drags the Gaul-skin out of his closet and starts to count. This keeps him amused for several hours until he nears the end:

"Eighty four thousand seven hundred and sixty one,

"Eighty four thousand seven hundred and sixty two,

"Eighty four thousand seven hundred and sixty three,

"Eighty four thousand seven hundred and sixty four,

"Eighty f..."

Brutus gasps. There are no more Smarties. FIVE are missing!

He storms into the house to find his wife Portia lying on her couch eating grapes. He grabs her by the hair and and shakes her, yelling: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SMARTIES?!!!"

"Keep your hair on, Brutus!" says Portia, crossly. "I haven't touched your stupid Smarties! Though I did see Caesar creeping out of the house yesterday with a rather guilty look on his face."

Leaping onto his chariot, Brutus races to Rome where he finds Caesar standing on the steps of the Forum. In an uncontrollable rage, Brutus pulls out his sword and stabs him six times. Caesar looks up at him and, with his dying breath utters those immortal words "Et tu, Brute".

Whereupon Brutus shouts: "You liar! You ate five!"

(*) If you don't know what Smarties are, check out: Nestlé - SMARTIES - Home Page

Edited May 28, 2009 by Jamie123

[pam]

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."

" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "

" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

[pam]

A burglar is going through the valuables in a house when the owners come home and surprise him.

The burglar turns on them. "Now that you've found me, I'm going to have to kill you," he says.

"First, though," he says, "I want to know your names."

"Isabel," says the wife.

"Isabel? That was my mother's name," the burglar says. "I guess I can't kill you after all."

Then he turns to the husband and asks his name.

"My name is John," the man says. "But my friends call me Isabel."

[omega0401]

There is this story of the turkey who learned to fly. He was so excited about his newfound abilities that he called all the other turkeys together and taught them all to fly. They had a wonderful time using their wings and soaring about the heavens, but when the lesson was over, they all walked back home.

Shades of Sacrament meetings and Sunday School lessons!

[pam]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the darn SALT TRUCK!"

Disclaimer: The name in this story in no way represents the Heather we all know and love.

[daenvgiell]

I don't get that one, anyone care to explain?

[skippy740]

Salt is used to melt ice on icy/snowy roads.

[Kawazu]

I don't get that one, anyone care to explain?

In winter, trucks drop salt on the roads to diminish the ice. Unlike other things which truckers may haul, the salt is supposed to be lost.

[daenvgiell]

ah ok, thanks, that actually makes the joke funny now! guess I didn't know because I've never lived anywhere with snow.

[pam]

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

[pam]

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

[pam]

A child is doing her homework one evening when she turns to her mother.

"Mommy," she asks, "what is 'hypnotism'?"

"Hypnotism is a way of making a man fall under your power in such a way as to lose his will and obey every order you give him."

The girl's father has been listening while reading his newspaper. From behind the paper he comments dryly, "That's not hypnotism. That's marriage."

[pam]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[pam]

A woman who likes to sing joins the church choir. From time to time she practices while she is in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she starts in on a song, however, her husband heads outside to the porch.

One day, the woman asks her husband, "What's the matter, dear? Don't you like my singing?"

"Honey, I love your singing," her husband replies. "But I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."