In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontiusthe Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Mahone]

Trick with a laser pen and a crazy dog (image may play slowly first time as it downloads):

[Vort]

Three drummers and a cymbalist fall off a cliff.

Ba dum bum -- TSHHH!

[Mahone]

Out of curiosity, is there a reason a recent post of mine in this thread was removed? It's been almost two hours since it disappeared and I've not been informed of why - I was not aware of it breaking any rules. Thanks.

[pam]

I didn't delete it but..because this is a "clean humor" thread..I can see where the posted video might be perceived as a little off color as far as humor.

[Mahone]

I didn't delete it but..because this is a "clean humor" thread..I can see where the posted video might be perceived as a little off color as far as humor.

Fair enough. I certainly can't see it being perceived as dirty humour, it's very similar to a video I saw on a childrens entertainment show quite recently. Or were you referring to whether it was actually funny or not?

Edited August 3, 2009 by Mahone

[john doe]

I removed it. A video of a dog biting a person's crotch is not 'clean humor'.

[Vort]

I removed it. A video of a dog biting a person's crotch is not 'clean humor'.

I must admit I thought it was funny. And I didn't find it at all inappropriate, though I did cringe a bit.

[KrazyKay]

THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING IN TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road - with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

'Twiced' is a word.

People actually grow and eat okra

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them..

You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World. '

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. .. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example:

'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

[Mahone]

I removed it. A video of a dog biting a person's crotch is not 'clean humor'.

The persons crotch was not visible and what happened was not done on purpose. The dog simply bit where the laser pen was pointing at the time. Had the same thing happened in front of me, I would not have said a vulgar act had just taken place. Funny, but not vulgar.

Having said that, I am aware that there is a well known difference between the general British and American sense of humour. This may very well be a result of that. I apologise to anyone who saw the video and considered it to be vulgar.

Edited August 3, 2009 by Mahone

[Mahone]

THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING IN TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road - with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

'Twiced' is a word.

People actually grow and eat okra

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them..

You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World. '

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. .. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example:

'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Haha, I learnt a lot from that - thanks.

[Guest Alana]

I just got off the phone with my mother in law. Somehow we got on the subject of gyms and exercise. She said: "I have a treadmill but I never use it, it's too much work, I need one that's a lot less work."

I don't think the problem is the treadmill....

[ryanh]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my passings with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[john doe]

Guys, let's be careful here. This thread is about clean humor. Off-color or bodily function jokes are generally too easily turned into 'blue' jokes, no matter how funny they may be. We've let a few go through that have been questionable in nature, but we will be deleting ones deemed as not 'church worthy'.

[Vort]

What's the difference between a group of mathematicians and a television with a porn filter?

One's a discrete set, while the other's a discreet set.

[pam]

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," asks the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure!! That's what they call it now!"

[lilered]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) You're pretty sure your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEATHCARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape

[pam]

Let's please remember that we need to keep the jokes clean here. We've unfortunately had to delete another one.

[pam]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The conversation grows with astounding similarities in their pasts being revealed until they proclaim they both graduated from the same school in the same year -- and they order another drink.

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night, the Murphy twins are drinking again

[KrazyKay]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

[pam]

A lad who pulled down the Good Book one day for a bit of study ended up scoring one for Bible literalists.

He studied the aged pages of the family Bible with fascination. Then he turned a page and found tucked into the crease a leaf placed there years ago.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

She could hear the astonishment in her son's voice as he answered. "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[pam]

Communication, the love gurus tell us, is the key to a happy relationship. But sometimes miscommunication helps, as in the case of a couple who met at a golfing resort and fell in love. They discussed how they would continue the relationship after their vacation was over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Erica," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, John, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."

John thought for a moment, then added; "Hmm, well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Truegrits]

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

I do this weekly!

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

I do not panic, but I DO return for it...LOL

[pam]

I have to admit..I do #6 as well.

[Mahone]

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

No, not really. Most of my family are technophobes and most have mobile phones but never actually turn them on - apparently this small detail of the purpose of a mobile phone is missed on them.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

I do nearly every day. Some things are easier to send via e-mail than vocally

5.. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

Yeah, I have actually used this excuse before. E-mail is like having a phone (either landline or mobile) nowadays. You are just expected to have it, whether you want it or not.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

Can't say I've ever done this. Though that's probably because I'm usually the one who'd have to carry them in anyway.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

See my post about OCD - What is stated above was clearly intended for a older person than myself though. I'm 23 and I've had a mobile phone since I was 13 or 14 (this was back in the days where you still had to get permission from the head teacher to have a mobile phone in school and there had to be a very good reason for it).

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

No, I check my e-mail on the bus each morning. It saves time when I get into work - mornings are usually the busiest time for us.

Edited August 8, 2009 by Mahone