In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

Dallas Morning News

Sunday, June 28, 2009 Community Opinions page 10B

David McClure of McKinney : A senior moment ... at 48? David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankie.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[Jamie123]

No, not really. Most of my family are technophobes and most have mobile phones but never actually turn them on - apparently this small detail of the purpose of a mobile phone is missed on them.

Sounds like me - I've always considered telephones a nuisance - RING RING RING breaking my train of thought. It used to be that when you were away from the telephone you were free, but then some evil blighter had to go and invent the cell phone. Now there's no peace for the wicked.

[lilered]

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 85th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[pam]

Did you know that the pyramids were built by Union workers?

It was originally designed as a cube. Each shift did a little less till the last said 'throw a rock on top and lets go home'.

[pam]

Relying too much on modern technology has its downside -- especially when it comes to that PC.

Consider the businessman who dragged himself home one evening and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to tire you so?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and we all had to do our own thinking."

[lilered]

WHO IS YOUR REAL FRIEND?

This really works!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

[lilered]

WORRY

Is there a magic cutoff period when

Offspring become accountable for their own

actions? Is there a wonderful moment when

parents can become detached spectators in

The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's

their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital

corridor waiting for doctors to put a few

Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do

you stop worrying?' The nurse said,

'When they get out of the accident stage.' My

Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little

chair in a classroom and heard how one of my

children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,

and was headed for a career making

license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher

said, 'Don't worry, they all go through

this stage and then you can sit back, relax and

enjoy them.'

My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime

waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come

home, the front door to open. A friend said,

'they're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,

in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be

adults.'

My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being

vulnerable. I was still worrying over my

children, but there was a new wrinkle. There

was nothing I could do about it.

My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I

continued to anguish over their failures, be

tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in

their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I

could stop worrying and lead my own

life.

I wanted to believe that, but I was

haunted by my dad's warm smile and his

occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right?

Call me the minute you get home. Are

You depressed about something?'

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a

lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another

handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of

human frailties and the fears of the

unknown?

Is concern a curse or is it a virtue

that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable

recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been

calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.

[KrazyKay]

Can we have a laugh and cry button? I laughed and cried at that Lilered.

Anyway, I wanted to share this with all the pet lovers:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 PM - Oooh, Bath . Bummer.

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary. ..

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are

fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order

to keep up my strength.

In an attempt to show my disgust, I once again

vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their

feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it

clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

!!IDIOTS!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'

I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try

this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and

snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly

released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is

obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with

the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My

captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so

he is safe. For now................

[pam]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the funds.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president, who was so touched and amused that he had his secretary send the boy a $5 bill.

The boy's response:

Dear God. Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those (expletives deleted) deducted $95

[pam]

A new Restaurant opens in a city. On the window a sign says "We have all food and we mean it. If you can name something we don't have, you win one million dollars!"

A man walks by, reads the sign and says "I'll try this." So he goes in and says, "can I have caterpillar legs on rye bread?" They say coming right up.

The next day he goes in determined and says "Can I have worms in my spaghetti?"

They say "coming right up!" So he tries and tries about 9 more times. Still no one has won the money.

The 10th time he walks in and says, "Can I have elephant ears on white bread?" they say ... "of course! there's no stopping you is there ... coming right up!"

About 10 minutes later the waiter comes with the money. The man said "I thought you had it!?!" The waiter said "we had the elephant ears, but we ran out of white bread!"

[pam]

A blonde lady having coffee in a fast-food restaurant peels away the side of her paper cup to find she has won a prize. Screaming, she tells everyone, "I won! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The restaurant manager makes his way over to the table and tells the lady: "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the lady proclaims, "No, no mistake. I won a motor home!"

She hands the precious ticket to the manager who reads: "Win a bagel."

[Jamie123]

A boy gets sent home from school early.

"What did you do to get sent home?" demands his father.

The boy refuses to say. So the father puts on his hat and coat and goes to see the school Principal.

"My son was sent home from school," he says, "and I want to know why!"

"Well," says the Principal. "In scripture class today he was asked 'who knocked down the walls of Jericho' and he answered 'Well it wasn't me!'"

The father thinks about this for a moment and then replies:

"Well if he says he didn't do it, he didn't do it!"

[pam]

Hell hath no fury like a woman at a clothing store sale, as one unfortunate gentleman learned.

It was the day of the store's annual close-out sale. A long line of women had formed in front of the doors by the 8 a.m. opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

[pam]

Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'

When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'

[pam]

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this, Doc," he said.

"When I drive to work in the morning, through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?" It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah,' and my wife was not amused!"

Said the doctor, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that. Is it common?" asked the man.

"It's Not Unusual," the doctor replied.

[pam]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.'

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?'

The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'

The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?'

The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.'

[pam]

A man has six children and is very proud of the fact -- so proud in fact, that he takes to calling his wife "Mother of Six," over her vehement objections.

One night they go to a party. When the man eventually gets bored, he shouts to his wife on the other side of the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

To which his wife, irked by his lack of discretion, shouts back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[omega0401]

One day, four high school students decided to cut their morning classes. After lunch, they reported to their teacher that their car had had a flat tire. The teacher simply smiled and said, “Well, you missed the test this morning, so take your seats and get out your notebooks and take the test.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to settle down. Then she said, “First question. Which tire was flat?”

[pam]

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in quickly for heart surgery. The operation went well, and, as consciousness returned, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith." the sister retorted. "Nuns are not 'spinsters,' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said the patient. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[pam]

A Texas farmer on vacation in Australia meets a farmer there. As the Aussie shows off his huge wheat field, the Texan can't resist -- "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees more than 20 kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[pam]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[pam]

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

[ferretrunner]

In the bad pun category...

How do you know it was raining cats and dogs?

Because you just stepped in a poodle.

*groan*

[pam]

Yep we need a groan button.

[pam]

Testosterone flows freest, women believe, as men converse over a drink. But this version of saloon talk takes a different tack.

Three guys are talking in a tavern -- two are concerned with the amount of control they have over their wives. The third man holds his silence.

After a while, talkers turns to the silent companion to ask: "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow admits, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"Wow! What happened then?" his drinking buddies asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"