In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A surgeon is a guest at a dinner party where turkey is being served. When it comes time to carve the bird, the host sharpens his knife and begins to cut away, all the while talking to the surgeon.

"How am I doing, Doc?" he asks. "How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host has finished, and the slices of meat lie neatly onthe serving platter, the host stands back and looks on his accomplishment with pride. Only then does the surgeon speak up: "Anybody can take them apart, my friend. Now let's see you put them back together."

[pam]

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

[pam]

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

[Truegrits]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Truegrits]

What do you get when you cross The Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand !

[pam]

A man goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. You've gotta help me! I'm going crazy!!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," says the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $250 per visit."

Six months later, the doctor crosses paths with the man. "Why didn't you come back to see me again?" he asks.

"For a visit? Heck a bartender cured me for the price of a martini."

"How do you figure?" asks the psychiatrist.

"He listened to my problem while I was having a drink. Then he told me to cut the legs off my bed."

[Palerider]

I found some letters that kids wrote....you can put either Bishop or Pastor at the start....

Dear Bishop

I know Heavenly Father loves everybody but he never met my sister.

Sincerly, Arnold

[Palerider]

Dear Pastor

My Father should be a minister. Everyday he gives us a sermon about something.

Robert

[Palerider]

Dear Bishop

I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Stephen

[Palerider]

Dear Pastor

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

Loreen

[Palerider]

Dear Bishop

Please say a prayer for our little league team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank You

Alexander

[Palerider]

Dear Pastor

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Joshua

[skippy740]

I think this thread deserves to be in this thread:

http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/16860-tacky-bring-your-own-snacks-movie-theater.html

[Palerider]

I think this thread deserves to be in this thread:

http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/16860-tacky-bring-your-own-snacks-movie-theater.html

wow........LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Palerider]

Dear Pastor

I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance

Eleanor

[Palerider]

Dear Bishop

Are there any devils on earth?? I think there may be one in my class.

Carla

[Palerider]

Dear Pastor

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished

Ralph

Edited January 1, 2009 by Palerider

[Palerider]

Dear Bishop

How does Heavenly Father know the good people from the bad people??? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers??

Marie

[pam]

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[pam]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life like you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Every body is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn' t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.

I could tell he was not a happy camper! “What' s going on here"?

"My car has a flat tire, " I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road”?

I couldn't believe that he didn' t know. So I told him..................."Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Palerider]

Two home Teachers went out one sunday to visit their families. At one home, it was obvious that someone was there, but nobody came to the door even thought they knocked several times. Finally, the senior companion took out a piece of paper and wrote the member's name on the card with the words, "Revelation 3:20" below it, and stuck the paper in the crack in the door.

(Revelation 3 :20- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him, and he with me).

The next day, on sunday, the piece of paper was returned to the home teacher. Below the home teacher's message was the notation "genesis 3:10"

(Genesis 3:10- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself).

[Palerider]

A little girl became restless as the Pastor's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

[Hemidakota]

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Ward's High Priest golden anniversary recognition, the bishop announced, "This evening, brothers and sisters. I've asked our own Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and tell everyone how he managed to treat his wife with such kindness and live in peace and harmony all these years. Perhaps his secret will have an influence on the rest of us."

The husband replied to all the brothers and sisters, "Well, there's really nothing to it. I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The bishop said, "Tell the Ward what you did for your 25th silver anniversary, Brother Ralph."

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing , China ."

The bishop replied, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Brother Ralph. Okay, now you husbands pay attention. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? Take your wife traveling on special occasions. Maybe that will help some of you brethren out there to get along better with your wife. Now, Brother Ralph, tell all of us here tonight what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph, "I'm going to go get her." by G. R. Kane

[Palerider]

A little boy was overheard praying, Heavenly Father, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Ward Basketball Prayer

From - Mormon Life by Arie Van De