In need of some clean humor!

[Still_Small_Voice]

Commandments

-- Nandiara Hentges

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

[Still_Small_Voice]

Too Many Cooks

From planetproctor.com

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Still_Small_Voice]

The Miracle of Life

-- Patricia Gindhart

In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my college students that males determine the gender of the offspring by contributing either an X or a Y chromosome. So at the end of the year, I put it on the final exam: "How is the sex of the child determined?"

One student wrote, "By examining it at birth."

[pam]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 in American money to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the man who left returns to the pub, seeks out the Texan and taps him on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" he asks.

"Shore is," says the Texan, and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman begins to drain the pint glasses, one by one.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. When the Irishman has poured down the last drop, the Texan gives him the $500 and says, "By the way, if y'all don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?"

"Oh," says the Irishman, "I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[pam]

A woman is being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," the lawyer instructs her.

The woman hesitates. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protests.

"In that case," says the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

[pam]

Two ladies stop at a new neighbor's house for coffee, and they sit in the living room while their hostess is in the kitchen.

Sitting across from them while they wait for the woman is the hostess's daughter. She's about 5 years old, snub-nosed, freckled, bucktoothed and bespectacled, and she just sits silently, starting at her shoes. The two neighbors peer doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them whispers to the other, "Not very P-R-E-T-T-Y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

It's then that the child pipes up for the first time: "But awfully S-M-A-R-T."

[pam]

A fellow finds it difficult to hold down a job because he does everything so slowly. On one trip to an employment office, however, the counselor tells him she has the perfect job for him. It's at the zoo, and he'll be the caretaker of the tortoises.

During his first day on the job, his supervisor stops by to see how the new employee is doing. He finds the man standing by an empty enclosure.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asks.

"I can't believe it," says the man. "I just opened the door, and then ... whooooosh!"

[nbblood]

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

[nbblood]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[nbblood]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

[pam]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

This one is actually based on a real story. Except the husband said she could sell his car and keep half the money so she sold it for $100 and sent him $50.

[pam]

In the midst of a torrential downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire. He couldn't bear to pass her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!"

"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

[HoosierGuy]

Maybe this has been posted before, sorry if it has:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? "Make me one with everything!"

[nbblood]

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

[nbblood]

One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?

"$160," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

[nbblood]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

[nbblood]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[nbblood]

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[nbblood]

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head, "No."

"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.

The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

[theoriginalavatar]

hopefully this is clean enough...

my 6 year old told it to me (where he heard it, i haven't a clue).

"Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pea soup."

Edited June 21, 2010 by theoriginalavatar

[pam]

A husband sits his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine on the night of their anniversary, turns on the soft reading lamp, slips off her shoes and props up her feet, and announces that he is preparing dinner.

"How romantic," she thinks.

Two and a half hours later, she is still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoes to the kitchen and finds it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, sees her in the doorway.

"Almost ready," he says. "Sorry it took me so long. I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More than an hour. It wasn't easy stuffing it through those little holes."

[pam]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

[pam]

The Pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.

First the Pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible.

Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.

"Excuse me, " said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the Pope have this room?"

St. Peter shook his head: "No. We have dozens of popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."



Sorry JAG

[pam]

A soldier is asked to report to headquarters. When he gets there the sergeant tells him, "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test.

"Type this," he orders, giving the soldier a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper.

He directs the young man to a desk across the room that holds a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier is reluctant to become a clerk typist, so he makes a point of typing very slowly and punching in as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gives the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he says. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the soldier asks.

The sergeant grins. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

[nbblood]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, head over heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."