pregnant and upset

[RubyJ]

Hi there, I really just need to let this all out, so bear with me. I am 5 months pregnant and have been having a hard time dealing with my younger sister. I was married a year before her, but my husband and I decided to wait to have kids until he was done with school, so I could quit my job. She had her son a year after getting married, grandchild #1 for our family. Now I understand its exciting since he was the first grandchild, but when she was pregnant everyone doted on her, now that I am pregnant they are too busy with the golden grandchild to even notice me. Only my mother and husband ask how I am doing or want to feel the baby kick. On top of that the other day when a friend asked if I was having a boy or girl (boy) a family member remarked with a sigh "another boy and hopefully she(my sister) will have a girl next". Its like my nephew is already perfect and no other boy is needed. In addition, my baby shower will be coming up and my sister has already let the family know they are trying to baby #2. I am already dreading her being at the shower because either everyone will want to know how her son is or everyone will be excited about her being pregnant again. Now I know that might not actually happen, but I can't stop thinking about it and the shower is still months away.

She also bought a house recently (after living with my parents for 1.5 years) while my husband just graduated and now we have moved in with my parents to save for the down payment. I just feel like I am constantly overshadowed by her.

The other day we got into an argument and I lost my temper. I know a childish thing to do. My sister ended up hitting me and when I went to hit her back, her husband pushed me out of the way(hello, did they forget I was pregnant) Later my family just said why are so such a jerk right now and grow up, I'm pregnant, I thought crazy hormones were part of the deal. I didn't mean to get so upset , I felt like I couldn't control myself, it was as if all resentment I have for her right now with just bubbled over.

I realize that I am jealous, and my sister has nothing to do with this all. She can live her life the way she wants to. I should be happy for her, instead of I feel. On a side note, I have always found her husband incredibly annoying, between his constant corny jokes and mission stories (you'd think he got off his mission last month, not 4 years ago)he really drives me crazy, which hasn't helped the situation. My husband picking up on the resentment, has joined in making negative comments about the two of them which I have asked him to stop since it doesn't help either.

How do I let go of this? At this point, I wish we hadn't moved to my home state to be close to family, we would have been better off moving to Alaska, as far away from family as possible. It doesn't help that I am not working right now and no baby yet, so not much to do during the day while everyone is at work. I am in the process of finding temporary employment, but nothing yet.

[Gwen]

sounds like you and hubby need to do something very special just for the two of you. forget the rest of 'em. i'm not sure why or if it was just my experience but pregnancy is a very lonely time. even with ppl around there is just something about it. however, i'd guess the issue with your sis has gone on long before the pregnancy....

as far as needing something to do with your day....lol .... chat is open.

[applepansy]

My heart broke as I read your post. I just wanted to reach out and give you a long hug. Have you dicussed your feelings in a serious way with anyone in your family? It sounded like this issue with your sister has been a problem for a long time before you were married. While hormones will send your emotions on a roller coaster that doesn't mean that the things you are upset about aren't real.

Suggestions:

1. Pray about the problem (s).

2. Soften your heart and truly love your "enemy" (yes, family can feel like the enemy sometimes).

3. Tell someone in your family (your mom and dad?) about your feelings. Follow their counsel.

4. Maybe talk your sister to lunch and talk about your feelings.

5. Forgive!!!

Problems are better solved with the Lord's help and a problem or feeling buried just grows. And finally, Forgiveness isn't for anybody but yourself. You can love others despite their behavior, even family. :)

(((hugs)))

Applepansy

[hordak]

Ah the joys of sibling rivalry.

Nothing really helpful to ad but an explanation.In my experience your sister not being all excited about you child isn't that extreme. When you don't have kids being an uncle or aunt seems pretty cool but once you have your own to focus on the others lose their appeal(for lack of a better term)My brother and i go back and forth on having kids and he has never been over excited when i have one or visa versa. He has his own to worry about as do i so i don't fault him.

You shouldn't fault your sis for it either. One you have yours your nephew will lose his appeal as well.

Edited September 15, 2008 by hordak

[applepansy]

'One you have yours your nephew will lose his appeal as well."

Good Point. . .in my family the newst baby always got all the attention.

[rameumptom]

Ruby,

You have no control over what others say or do. You only have control over yourself. You will have to decide what is of greatest importance to you: your personal pride, or your family.

Let go of the jealousies, or you will find yourself outside of your family for a long time, and the grudge won't go away until you choose to let it go. Alma taught his son, Shiblon, to control his passions so that he could be filled with love. Until we learn to do this, our passions end up controlling us, rather than us controlling our passions. If pregnancy hormones are an issue, write your sister and family a letter apologizing for the hormones. Explain that for some reason the hormones have you jealous right now, and to please be patient with you. YOU must set the example, if you wish to heal family issues.

Now, if your personal pride is the utmost thing you wish to preserve, then continue what you've been doing. I've seen it time and again in peoples' lives, when they allow their pride and personal passions to lead them by the nose - and then they don't understand why everyone else is mad at them.

Hormones are an issue. So face up to those hormones, and try to take control of them. Or, let your family know that you are going into hiding/hermit status for a few months until they get under control. If you wish family to be on your side, you must first be on their side. Show them how important they are to you, and avoid judging them. So what if they've focused on grandkid #1? Instead of being jealous, dote on your nephew along with them. They'll get excited for your child when it is born, IF you perform your family duty correctly now.

[Wingnut]

Your sister reminds me of "TAMN" -- a recent internet phenomenon. The "perfect" Mormon housewife, popping out the kids, with everyone doting on her and the center of attention. Seriously, So Blessed! is a satire blog that is sure to make you laugh on your "down" days. Enjoy!

[MarginOfError]

My advice...bear with this as long as you can, save for your down payment, and then buy a house on the other side of the country. I'm sure your family will think you're evil because you're 'splitting the family apart,' but there's no point in being around a family like that--especially if they make you miserable.

Come move into my ward. I'd love to have a little boy nearby to wrestle with!

[susieSA]

My advice...bear with this as long as you can, save for your down payment, and then buy a house on the other side of the country. I'm sure your family will think you're evil because you're 'splitting the family apart,' but there's no point in being around a family like that--especially if they make you miserable.

Come move into my ward. I'd love to have a little boy nearby to wrestle with!

I agree.....

And so what if they do think that you are evil...

The best thing I ever did was to move away from my hometown after I got married..... It was the best thing as well after my little dude was born...

It is always great to go back for a visit...

[rameumptom]

But moving away, while an option, is not the prime answer. We are here to learn to Be One (see Pres Eyring's First Presidency message in this month's Ensign). Running away from problems isn't the best answer.

The reality is, we've heard one side of the story. How do we know that parts of the story haven't been left out? Either way, whether the problem is with the family, or the problem is with one pregnant sister, or both; the true answer is for everyone to seek understanding, loving kindness, and forgiveness. Moving away across country does not fix the problem. Only a Christ-like attitude and forgiveness can do that. My mother and a few of her sisters have had on-going feuds for decades. They live hundreds of miles apart, so they do not have to see one another. But the feelings are still there. What's it going to be like when they all stand before God in that final tribunal, and God asks each of them why they didn't forgive and show mercy to one another? Do you think their petty reasons will make any difference to God who commanded us to forgive and love all people - without any exceptions?

[RubyJ]

Thanks for all the replies. I feel much better since writing it down. I haven't been breaking into tears as much...again the pregnancy hormones! I realized that I need to be active so I volunteered at an elementary school yesterday (I was a teacher up until we moved) and today I am going to clean my parents house while they are at work.

I understand that my sister won't be as excited for me since she is busy with her own boy, but I had hoped that the rest of the family would have been as excited for me as they were for her last year. So I guess I am blaming the wrong person. Its easier to blame my sister since shes getting the attention I thought I would be getting and the fact that our relationship has always had its difficulties

I am going to try to talk to some of my family about how I feel, but right now I think I am still too sensitive about the issues and need to give it some more time so that I won't break into tears!

[RubyJ]

The reality is, we've heard one side of the story. How do we know that parts of the story haven't been left out? Either way, whether the problem is with the family, or the problem is with one pregnant sister, or both; the true answer is for everyone to seek understanding, loving kindness, and forgiveness. Moving away across country does not fix the problem. Only a Christ-like attitude and forgiveness can do that. My mother and a few of her sisters have had on-going feuds for decades. They live hundreds of miles apart, so they do not have to see one another. But the feelings are still there. What's it going to be like when they all stand before God in that final tribunal, and God asks each of them why they didn't forgive and show mercy to one another? Do you think their petty reasons will make any difference to God who commanded us to forgive and love all people - without any exceptions?

You're right, you haven't heard her side of the story, which I'd imagine would be different as all sides of the story usually are. I know I am to blame for the past issues that have led to our rocky relationship but so is my sister. I don't want to end up like your mother and sisters but I am not sure how to get past it when my sister refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part or that my hurt feelings are just as valid. In the latest incident my family is requesting that I apologize for blowing up at her(which I should) but it hurts me when I ask them if they have talked to her about her apologizing to me(for hitting me) and they say she has no need to apologize. I will apologize when I know I won't get upset if her apology doesn't follow mine. Because I don't think I should be apologizing just so my family will be happy or because I expect something from it.

[susieSA]

You're right, you haven't heard her side of the story, which I'd imagine would be different as all sides of the story usually are. I know I am to blame for the past issues that have led to our rocky relationship but so is my sister. I don't want to end up like your mother and sisters but I am not sure how to get past it when my sister refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part or that my hurt feelings are just as valid. In the latest incident my family is requesting that I apologize for blowing up at her(which I should) but it hurts me when I ask them if they have talked to her about her apologizing to me(for hitting me) and they say she has no need to apologize. I will apologize when I know I won't get upset if her apology doesn't follow mine. Because I don't think I should be apologizing just so my family will be happy or because I expect something from it.

Maybe it would be a good thing for you to apologise to show that you are the better person.....

I don't know the full story about the argument that you had with your sister...

But my opinion is that she was wrong to hit you.... I think that she should apologise for that... But i wouldn't push it.... Show that you are the better person...

I had a stage where I didn't get along with my sisters - at different times...

The thing that changed my relationship with my one sister was moving to a different country... We got to know each other all over again....

With my other sister it was the birth of my baby......

I learnt to tolerate alot more....

I can so relate to your annoying brother-in-law... I have one of those too... Not sure how to deal with that... Annoying is annoying...

[susieSA]

Thanks for all the replies. I feel much better since writing it down. I haven't been breaking into tears as much...again the pregnancy hormones! I realized that I need to be active so I volunteered at an elementary school yesterday (I was a teacher up until we moved) and today I am going to clean my parents house while they are at work.

I understand that my sister won't be as excited for me since she is busy with her own boy, but I had hoped that the rest of the family would have been as excited for me as they were for her last year. So I guess I am blaming the wrong person. Its easier to blame my sister since shes getting the attention I thought I would be getting and the fact that our relationship has always had its difficulties

I am going to try to talk to some of my family about how I feel, but right now I think I am still too sensitive about the issues and need to give it some more time so that I won't break into tears!

I think that you have a right to want to feel special when you are pregnant... I know I wanted to.... It was hard being in a different country during my pregnancy...

It hurt me that certain family members were not at excited as I was about a new life....

I think it is a great idea to talk to your family...

Have you throught about writing a letter or something? I know that I express myself better in writing...

[checkerboy]

Did I cross into another dimension and my post just randomly disappeared or did someone remove it?

[Misshalfway]

Hi Ruby

I don't have any great advise for you. :)

Just wanted to say that family stuff is just plain hard!!! There are tangled histories and implicit patterns and veiled emotions at play and for some reason family conflicts seem to cut to the center of the soul and hurt like no other conflict can.

I love how you can leave your family and create a life and an identity for yourself, but you go back home and you are still the "problem child" or the "baby" of the family or whatever role you used to play.

The scriptures are so full of good principles to apply to situations like these. And I think Nephi and perhaps a few others could commiserate with us on these family issues. :)

[rena_goldmoon]

Hormones are hard to "control" and the family are the people who get on your nerves the most because you care about them the most. I went to visit my family a couple weeks ago and it got so bad my husband told me maybe I shouldnt talk to them until the baby comes because hes afriad Im going to get so upset I misscarry. On the excitment thing, when I told my parents we were pregnant my mom screamed for joy and my sisiters were screaming too. This is their first grandbaby. We told my husbands family and his Mom said "Are you serious?" It was a happy are you serious but she has never asked my how im doing or how the pregnancys going except for once when she asked how big the baby was getting and put her hands up about 4 inches. Try twice that big. She said, "No way. Your that far along?" I think she is going to think the babies coming prematurely when we call her to go to the hospital! lol! Anyhow this will be their 4th grandbaby. My husbands younger sister has already had 3. They are already grandparents so its not an exciting transition in theyre life but Im sure they will be excited once hes born. On the sister thing. My sister just got engaged and is getting married next month. She wants me to be her matron of honor. I have never met her fiance and the whole thing is stressing me out. She forgot she was supposed to throw me a baby shower next month and told me I needed to find a dress now for her wedding. Ha! I will be 1 month away from having the baby. How am I supposed to know what size I will be. A lot of other things going on with that but its a long story so. Anyhow I was suprised to see someone going through almost the same thing I am. I just think my husbabnd is excited and he is all that matters. Even though the rest hurts me, getting upset by thinking about it just gives me migranes so I'll just think about my little one on the way instead. I hope you have a better day!

[Maureen]

checkerboy, I think your post was removed, along with thejason (is that who replied to your post?).

[checkerboy]

I have no idea seeing as I never saw his reply. I wish someone would have informed me. I was simply trying to help lighten her mood with some humor but I guess that isn't allowed?

[applepansy]

I'm not sure how to properly insert a Quote so I'll so it this way.

Ruby Wrote: "I know I am to blame for the past issues that have led to our rocky relationship but so is my sister. I don't want to end up like your mother and sisters but I am not sure how to get past it when my sister refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part or that my hurt feelings are just as valid. In the latest incident my family is requesting that I apologize for blowing up at her(which I should) but it hurts me when I ask them if they have talked to her about her apologizing to me(for hitting me) and they say she has no need to apologize. I will apologize when I know I won't get upset if her apology doesn't follow mine. Because I don't think I should be apologizing just so my family will be happy or because I expect something from it."

An apology never hurt anyone and it makes you the bigger person and puts you on Christ's side. Then remember Forgiveness is not for your sister. Its for you. You have to let go of the hurt in your heart and let Charity move in. Read your scriptures and let the Atonement help heal your heart. You can truly love your sister even if she never changes or never apolgozes. There are books by he apostles on this subject. You CAN let Christ into your heart and enjoy this time regardless of all that is happening around you. Remember the only person in this world you can congtrol is yourself. Unfortunately that includes our children. Just kidding, I have a deep testimony of moral agency.

Another point is that once you've forgiven and let the Atonement work its miracle, I don't believe you are expected to stand there and be continually "slapped on the other cheek" Space can heal a lot but only if used properly. Avoidance will not heal family issues.

MissHalfWay wrote: "I love how you can leave your family and create a life and an identity for yourself, but you go back home and you are still the "problem child" or the "baby" of the family or whatever role you used to play."

Been there done that. . . age 50 and still doing it. (my grandfather used to say "The older you get the more like yourself you become." His words helped me understand my parents and myself.) This is were Forgiveness and the Atonement come into place and Chairty becomes important. After 32 years of marriage my family has started to accept that I'm still part of the family. It didn't start to happen until I let the Atonement change ME! Until I forgave my parents for how I was raised and let the true love of Christ heal everyone involved. I had to change first, then their attitudes about me and mine changed. With time they have realized that my choices were best for me.

Just a random thought: "Did they change or did my perception of them change?" :) Something off subject to ponder.

The bottom line here is that family is the most important unit, period. Everything the church is about points to the family. We are not saved without them. We have been commanded to forgive.

Ruby, I applaud your "getting busy" and volunteering at the local school. Wonderful!!! The best way to work through problems is to "forget yourself and go to work" as President Hinckley's father advised him to do when he wanted to come home from his mission. What wonderful advice for us all. May I suggest prayer too? Don't just try to put it out of your mind, Pray about it, then do your volunteering and service. You might be surprised at who crosses your path and has something that helps with the issues you're facing.

Now. . . Relax and Enjoy your pregnancy. This is the only time you will have this sweet spirit all to yourself. After he's born you have to share. :) Please don't let these issues cloud this wonderful time for you.

with Love

Applepansy

[fish4kitty]

I just found this and boy can I appreciate your outlook. My wife has 3 sisters no brothers. You would think the whole world is coming down when they all get together. Its like some sick twisted mind game they all play. My kid is so this...My hubby does this for me...BLAH BLAH BLAH....It gets old!!! For your sake at least you see it. First grand children are golden. Nothing you can do about that. What you can do is control how you are perseved(sp) Try not to let it get to you. As far as you getting pushed where was your hubby? Someone pushes my bride it better be the tow truck. I would definitely pray about the situation and leave it in Gods hands.

[ruthiechan]

Well, you know what? Be excited! Be happy! Show your enthusiasm for your baby! It'll catch. Maybe some family members will still be full of suckitude, but people will pick up on your mood and start getting excited too. Talk about your plans for the nursery, about the books you've been reading, all that stuff. Talk about it with JOY with your family, with your ward, with your friends. If some folk are still full of suckitude just say you are sorry they don't seem to want to share your joy.