Lies lies lies

[BellaBella]

For those who are interested in giving me advice ... I replied to katiekins the other day (sharing my story re: infidelity in marriage) ... it might be useful to read that first so that you have everything in perspective before giving advice.

But needless to say ... advice is what I need at this stage:

My husband have been unemployed for a long time now and finally after months of job hunting, going to interviews etc. he got a job ... signed the contract at work and finally things seemed on the up and up.

Until he informed me a couple of days ago that he never actually got the job.

He never signed a contract witht the company ... and what really worries me is that he went to "work" every day for the past 2 months but only got paid for 10 days labour. ???

I've been telling myself ... and truly feel that his self-image have taken a huge knock ... a part of me feels so sorry for him ... the other part angry.

He lies about so many things ... and I'm worried that this is getting out of hand.

:confused:

[miztrniceguy]

i just cannot fathom a guy "pretending" to go to work for 2 months...mind-boggling...sorry i don't have any advice other than seek counseling.

[Misshalfway]

It seems to me that the lies and the habit of lying needs to be confronted. If he is lying this much about various things, then the truth must be pretty scary for him.

I think sometimes it is easier to lie to ourselves and others than facing reality.

Perhaps it is time for him to learn that dealing with reality in acceptance and honesty leads to more long lasting contentment, than always dodging consequences.

[tubaloth]

He lies about so many things ... and I'm worried that this is getting out of hand.

Sounds like it is already out of hand.

You need to help him break this cycle. Call him out on it. Sit him down, tell him you are worried about whats going on! Try to figure out (if it is possible) what is through process was. You probably are going to need more help then just a message board, see advice from your bishop and or stake president.

[Truegrits]

i just cannot fathom a guy "pretending" to go to work

I know someone that did just that. They had a baby, and after a while his income just was not meeting the necessities, let alone any extras. The wife, who had access to free baby-sitting from a family member, offered to go back to her job. He adamantly refused, said he would get a second job. Well, he came home one day, told her he had found a second job. He went off to this second job for two weeks; then she gets a call from one of his friends saying he is in a bad way, crying and carrying on about not knowing what to do! Well, ends up that he never wanted a second job, did not try to get one; he told her he couldn't handle another job, it was too much for him, but that she "could not" go back to work.

I think that some people get so overwhelmed with a problem/situation, don't really know what to do, but rather than admit that (which would seem like failure to them) they lie, thinking that they will figure something out, given more time.

If this were someone close to me, I would suggest them getting professional help.

[Hemidakota]

For those who are interested in giving me advice ... I replied to katiekins the other day (sharing my story re: infidelity in marriage) ... it might be useful to read that first so that you have everything in perspective before giving advice.

But needless to say ... advice is what I need at this stage:

My husband have been unemployed for a long time now and finally after months of job hunting, going to interviews etc. he got a job ... signed the contract at work and finally things seemed on the up and up.

Until he informed me a couple of days ago that he never actually got the job.

He never signed a contract witht the company ... and what really worries me is that he went to "work" every day for the past 2 months but only got paid for 10 days labour. ???

I've been telling myself ... and truly feel that his self-image have taken a huge knock ... a part of me feels so sorry for him ... the other part angry.

He lies about so many things ... and I'm worried that this is getting out of hand.

:confused:

Are you both members of the LDS church?

[the_jason76]

One question: Why are you married to a dishonest person?

[Hemidakota]

Jason, noting your first login from the last entry posted, welcome to the forum. :)

[the_jason76]

Thanks, but I'm not new by any means.

[Guest DeborahC]

For a long time, my eldest son lied... about everything. About going to school, about his friends, about his name (he told people it was something else), about his age (he'd tell people he was younger so they'd be impressed), and on and on. I couldn't afford therapy or counseling so I just tried to live around it, not understanding it. He eventually grew up, joined the military, and became a wonderful husband and father.

I've asked him about his "lying stage" and he said it was to make himself feel better about himself and his life. In other words, to boost his self-image and get approval from people. He felt helpless and embarrassed in our situation (divorced, single mother with 3 kids and no money) and lied to make himself look better.

I suspect your husband has similar issues.

Maybe he can't find work and is embarrassed.

Maybe there's too much pressure on him to be more than he is?

Maybe ... well.. there are a lot of maybe's.

I agree with everyone else that he should be confronted.

But perhaps not alone?

Have you spoken with his family?

Is this a new thing or has he always done it?

I'd say you both need counseling to get to the root of it.

I"d start with the Bishop - doesn't your church offer counseling?

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation.

[checkerboy]

I lied to my wife. I am now divorced. I have learned alot since then. I can't understand why I lied, because this is one person that should have accepted me for me. Maybe that is what did it. She didn't accept me and my problems. Now I am not attacking you in any way, shape or form but do you hold things over him or make him feel inferior (not intentionally?) I know someone else going through almost the exact same thing and I wonder sometimes what his side of the story is. Lying should be nipped in the bud though, but with love not animosity. Show him that you trust him and will listen to him without judging him and I believe he will stop lying and open up to you, unless there is some kinda of pyschological disorder and then you will definitely need more help then this board can provide.

[jimuk]

I know someone that did just that. They had a baby, and after a while his income just was not meeting the necessities, let alone any extras. The wife, who had access to free baby-sitting from a family member, offered to go back to her job. He adamantly refused, said he would get a second job. Well, he came home one day, told her he had found a second job. He went off to this second job for two weeks; then she gets a call from one of his friends saying he is in a bad way, crying and carrying on about not knowing what to do! Well, ends up that he never wanted a second job, did not try to get one; he told her he couldn't handle another job, it was too much for him, but that she "could not" go back to work.

I think that some people get so overwhelmed with a problem/situation, don't really know what to do, but rather than admit that (which would seem like failure to them) they lie, thinking that they will figure something out, given more time.

If this were someone close to me, I would suggest them getting professional help.

Totally agree, i think it is more common than people realize.

It happened to my brother in law, the grocer shop he had went down the pan, he told my sister all was fine at work, turns out he was going out and wandering the streets, the business was gone 3 months previous, nobody knew until he had a nervous breakdown in the street and ended up in hospital.

So be gentle with your husband please as you/we do not know what he may be going through.

[a-train]

It is very possible that he was/is trying to save you from some the real stress and strain he is dealing with. If your reaction to bad news amplifies the problem for him, he me be reticent in sharing such information. If it seems that you are hopelessly depressed and in tears about this issue, he may be trying to shelter you some.

You need to understand that employment is hurting right now, and the media is not reporting what is really happening. Jobs are a lot tougher to get than people think.

Now if he is at the boats gambling or lounging at a club, that is bad. But if he is at a job that is actually a lot worse than he is letting on, he may be trying to keep you from falling to pieces every night.

-a-train

[ztodd]

Thanks, but I'm not new by any means.

Welcome back the_jason, what had happened to your old account?

[the_jason76]

Welcome back the_jason, what had happened to your old account?

I don't know. Ask a mod.

[Gwen]

he could just be a pathological liar? Pseudologia fantastica - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Guest GhostRider]

i understand what you are going through. I have just ened a relationship where i

was lied to from day one and just kept falling for the lies cause my heart was blind

then after a while my heart was bleeding and ripped apart so much that all that was

left was a bleeding skin that was empty and broken.

the sad thing is even to this day she has snowballed a lot of good ppl andto tell

youthe truth..i just want to shout and yell that she is nothing but a decietful Liar

I also want to call her husband and tell him exactly what she is doing and has

done. for i believe even though she changed her status on here that she is still up to her old tricks.

to be honest..the girl needs serious help. as it sounds..so does your husband. for it seems they

are from the same mold. just can not tell the truth and once the lies keep going and the hurt keeps tearing you apart. it will hurt so

much. and much counciling will need to be taken. trust me..been there and going there. it is

going to take a long time to heal. i know that. but it CAN be done with our heavenly fathers help.

just put it into his hands. ask Him for help. may take awhile and u may not like the answer...but

it will come. will pray for you in your time of need

[RainofGold]

For those who are interested in giving me advice ... I replied to katiekins the other day (sharing my story re: infidelity in marriage) ... it might be useful to read that first so that you have everything in perspective before giving advice.

But needless to say ... advice is what I need at this stage:

My husband have been unemployed for a long time now and finally after months of job hunting, going to interviews etc. he got a job ... signed the contract at work and finally things seemed on the up and up.

Until he informed me a couple of days ago that he never actually got the job.

He never signed a contract witht the company ... and what really worries me is that he went to "work" every day for the past 2 months but only got paid for 10 days labour. ???

I've been telling myself ... and truly feel that his self-image have taken a huge knock ... a part of me feels so sorry for him ... the other part angry.

He lies about so many things ... and I'm worried that this is getting out of hand.

:confused:

What did he do for those 2 months? If he lied about going to work wouldn't he also lie about what he was doing? How can this person b e trusted?

When I was younger I used to have a friend that would lie about everything, we couldn't tell what was true and after lying for a so long I don't think she knew either. Once she lied about being very sick so she wouldn't loose a boyfriend.

The day that he tried to break it off with her she had some kind of attack that we called the paramedics, they took her to the hospital. Well they didn't find anything wrong with her and recommended that she should see a psychiatrist. Her boyfriends ended up breaking up with her and everyone around her not being able to trust to with anything she said. It was very sad to see a person lie so much, she would believe her own lies.

I hope you can get help for your husband. I read your last post about him and other woman and him lying to you about it. I agree with Tubaloth:

tubaloth Quote:

He lies about so many things ... and I'm worried that this is getting out of hand.

Sounds like it is already out of hand.

You need to help him break this cycle. Call him out on it. Sit him down, tell him you are worried about whats going on! Try to figure out (if it is possible) what is through process was. You probably are going to need more help then just a message board, see advice from your bishop and or stake president.

Rainofgold

[Iggy]

Bella, your story could be about my youngest brother. For months he lied about going to work, he never brought home a paycheck and he absolutely would not let his wife have the check book.

How she found out about his not working was one of their kids got hurt at school, the school called her. While she was in the ER, she called him at work. The boss said that he wasn't there, that he hadn't worked for him for months.

She called his pager, yet he didn't respond.

That evening after dinner and the children were put to bed, she questioned him about it.

It took nearly 6 months to get to the total truth behind all of his lies.

Basically he was and still does suffer from depression. They don't have insurance and he flat refused to get medical from the state. "I refuse charity".

What happened is they divorced. There was a lot more wrong with the marriage - but he lied about nearly everything and refused to accept responsibility for his actions and inactions.

He has lived with our older sister now for about 7 years. The first four years all he did was sleep, eat and run to the store to get himself junk food.

He has been going to school to reeducate himself. He was a finish carpenter - yet there isn't much call for that now days. He has to be challenged in his work or he loses interest and walks away from it.

This is the hardest thing I have had to accept about him. There is so much challenge to any job for me. The challenge of making enough money to pay all of my bills and then have money left over to eat and put gas in the car!

His ex wife had to learn to let go and allow him to fall on his face too. Even after she remarried she was writing out his resumes, job applications and setting up job interviews. Of course he was allowing this, encouraging this. She finally let go and gave him the opportunity to suffer the consequences of his own choices. He choose not to work, now he does not eat or have gas for his truck. He chooses not to work thus he lives in his truck out in the street. He chooses not to work, thus he can not make his truck payment and it get repossessed.

Our older sister was enabling him- then she had to learn to let it go to. When he finally came to the realization that he was responsible for his actions and non-actions, that is when he went to the state to seek medical help and schooling. It would have been even harder for him if Older Sister had not given him a home, food and clothing. Fortunately they live in Seattle, and the public transportation is relatively cheap, and goes nearly every where.

He will be done with school soon - he has a part time job, and that will become full time when school is done.

He is active in Church again and totally follows the WofW, he pays tithing too. That was really hard for him to do - willingly.

His oldest son is the one who just received his mission call to England.

What this long, rambling post is about is: Perhaps your husband is suffering from depression. Has that been ruled out? My brother also has sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. Combine that with severe depression and that explains why he was such a mess.

It has taken years to get him on an even keel.

[countrygirl66]

Sometimes lying can become a habit. I lied a lot when I was a teen and it lessened as an adult. The strange thing is that I would lie about things that didn't matter. Once i decided (as an adult to work on it) I realized that I hate contention and avoiding it is what would ususally lead to lying. Haven't done it for years and it is a releif but it still is the first thing that pops into my mind if I think someone will be upset or be disappointed in me. Hope you can find the answers you need, would just say that change must come from within.

[lilered]

Perhaps what is being missed in this thread is that deceit and/or lying is a sin and the Devil is the Father of all lies. In this case, the husband is sorely in need of taking responsibility for these sins and part of that requires that he begins the repentance process. While I agree with those who believe he may need professional help, this also needs to be brought to the Bishops attention for further handling and help. I suspect there might be more things going on than just a job loss.

[Hemidakota]

Remember, we simply do not know if he is a member of the Church. So which Bishop are referring too? LOL

[jimuk]

Are we beginning to judge this guy who we do not know, just a little niggle that popped into my head guys and girls.

[lilered]

Remember, we simply do not know if he is a member of the Church. So which Bishop are referring too? LOL

Hemi - True, we don't know and I was assuming that. But I stand by my counsel. If he/they aren't members, then they still should seek outside help to work thru the issues. IMHO

[Liesl]

Sweetie, I did fall over as you said I would.... I'm so sorry to hear about this. I knew something was very wrong, somethings didn't shock me, but I am surprised about this "job" we all had such high hopes for the two of you. Just know that you will always be close to my heart babe.

One step at a time...... one step at a time..... and you have friends. And so does your husband, if ever he looks for any, hopefully he'll know where to find them.

Oh, for others info.... they are members.