my mom

[Xenos]

So my mom is depressed. By my speculation, she seems to WANT to be depressed, because I didn't give her a hug or a kiss. Now don't get me wrong. She touches me in uncomfortable places and wants it like every hour. So I start avoiding her, and walk fast because I'm uncomfortable with the situation, and that's what we're supposed to do right? But then she goes all depressed, tells me all these things like "I'm not her child". I never saw her smile since like last year, she tells me rude things and comments and don't care about my feelings at all when she says them. It's like she wants to drag me down and be miserable! And if I choose to fight back, she mocks my religion saying something like "Hey, I thought Mormons were supposed to love everyone and the whole world and God right?" in the most... angry-tempting tone I've ever heard. So every time I would come home from a stake dance, or somewhere fun, I come home to a pessimistic mom who finds some reason to complain and make me miserable.

Worst of all the Holy Spirit immediately leaves me and I rarely feel it in my house. I can never tell if I had sinned or not because I'm trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation and pessimism, but she's my MOM. "Honor thy mother and father right?" I'm so confused...

[RainofGold]

Hello Xenos,

I am a mom of a 17 year old daughter, who loves being hugged and cuddle. When you say she touches you in uncomfortable places, what do you mean by that? Have you told her how you feel? Or have you told your dad or aunt or anybody else?

And is your mom seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or taking medication?

So many questions I just want to understand the situation with your mom.

I doubt that she chooses to be depress, but I do believe that she wants to make you feel guilty for not letting her hug you.

I'm sorry that you have that kind of relationship with your mom, do you trust anyone at church that you can go and talk to? Maybe your bishop or young women president.

[Xenos]

Hello Xenos,

I am a mom of a 17 year old daughter, who loves being hugged and cuddle. When you say she touches you in uncomfortable places, what do you mean by that? Have you told her how you feel? Or have you told your dad or aunt or anybody else?

And is your mom seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or taking medication?

So many questions I just want to understand the situation with your mom.

I doubt that she chooses to be depress, but I do believe that she wants to make you feel guilty for not letting her hug you.

I'm sorry that you have that kind of relationship with your mom, do you trust anyone at church that you can go and talk to? Maybe your bishop or young women president.

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

I don't know, you can go ahead and ask questions, but this will be hard for me to answer because I don't want to be mean and sound like a teen rebel wanting to get away from her mom. I do love her... it's simply very hard to bear her attitude.

I have told my former YW president once about it, and she said to be firmly quiet, and wait for the moment when my mom stops shouting, then say "ok mom" and leave. But she becomes very offended and the argument continues again and again. Other than that, I didn't tell anyone else.

You're very lucky Rain, I wish I was that teen who loves to be cuddled and loved...

[Elgama]

your in a very similar situation to the one I was in as a teen - have you had a blessing? ask someone at church for one it will help clarifying it for you, I would avoid mentioning church as much as possible and just try to stay calm and keep praying.

I would disagree with the fact that she has the right to touch you when and where she wants though - I would not take those liberties with my little ones if they object.

-Charley

[pushka]

Wow! Your mother is really taking advantage of her 'rights' as a mother to touch you as she pleases..she is wrong and she is abusing you. Others have suggested talking to another close family relative, and if you feel close enough to a relative to do so, I think I would, maybe they can put an adult perspective on the situation for you, and be able to mediate between you and your mother over this?

Is there another family member who you could live with, if the situation doesn't improve/gets any worse? I know you feel guilty over the honour your mother and father commandment, but she is not honouring her role as your mother and it is not a safe environment for you to be living in...she could potentially go to jail for what she is doing to you, does she realise this?

I want to be compassionate towards your mother, and I know that this post doesn't sound that way, but she needs help if she isn't already getting it..somebody else mentioned a psychiatrist, I think she needs either one of those or somebody specifically trained to deal with sexually abusive people..is there a child abuse helpline you can call, confidentially, who could give you more advice about services available to you in your area?

[pam]

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

I don't know, you can go ahead and ask questions, but this will be hard for me to answer because I don't want to be mean and sound like a teen rebel wanting to get away from her mom. I do love her... it's simply very hard to bear her attitude.

I have told my former YW president once about it, and she said to be firmly quiet, and wait for the moment when my mom stops shouting, then say "ok mom" and leave. But she becomes very offended and the argument continues again and again. Other than that, I didn't tell anyone else.

You're very lucky Rain, I wish I was that teen who loves to be cuddled and loved...

Actually no your mom does NOT have the right to touch you in any way she wants. If that's what she is telling you she is totally wrong. So you need to understand that. No adult whether they be your parent or not has a right to touch in you in places that make you uncomfortable. This is called child molestation.

[RainofGold]

Hello Xenos,

It's true, I am lucky because my daughter likes hugs and kisses. But I would never think of touching her in her privates.

I taught my daughter since she was a little girl that "no one", no one is allowed to touch for privates. Not dad, or mom or teachers or brothers. And if your mom is doing it to you and you feel uncomfortable you have all the right to feel like that. Don't let your mom make you feel guilty or that is normal to touch your privates because is not.

Please make sure you let someone know. If your yw president didn't do anything about it, than tell your bishop or some one else. I am worried about you, please feel free to come to us anytime you need some one to talk to and we will try our best to help you.

Take care Xenos,

Rain

[Wingnut]

Oh, I think I should clarify on touching in uncomfortable places. I mean she touches me on the private parts of my body, that makes me feel extremely awkward and defensive towards her. I've already tried to tell her how I felt, but she says that she's the mom and she has the right to do whatever she wants with me. (she technically can... that I know)

No she absolutely does NOT. That's called sexual abuse. Also child abuse. You need to discuss it with your doctor, a school counselor, the bishop, or a police officer.

[Guest DeborahC]

No! Your mother does NOT have the right to touch your body in your private places, and I beg you go to an adult RIGHT NOW and tell them! You should be able to find a school counselor who will help you if your Church authorities will not.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT!

Your mother is using GUILT to try to control you.

My father did the same thing, manipulated me using GUILT. It's a very confusing situation for the person who is supposed to be caring for you to do this TO YOU. It is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR and at age 56, I'm still recovering. I have had several failed marriages, unable to be in a healthy relationship until 12 years ago.

Are you male or female?

Where is your father? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents?

Please tell an adult NOW before this goes too far.

It can be very damaging.

Please get help.

Edited October 27, 2008 by DeborahC

[Heavenguard]

I completely agree with everyone here.

Calling your mom out on her actions is not a lack of love. She is trying to twist it around and make it seem as though you are unloving, but the truth is you are simply just coping. Getting your mom the help she needs is the proper way to love her, even if it means exposing her actions to others. Loving parents discipline their children so that they learn right and wrong. It's more difficult for children to discipline their parents, but it is also done out of love.

Just letting your mom yell and then responding "OK" and leaving settles nothing. I think the best way to settle arguments is to walk away from the situation - TEMPORARILY - and saying that you're just going to wait until everyone has cooled down, and then you can discuss it rationally and without all the immediate emotions. Then you can go, but get back to it later.

But FIRST, you will HAVE to get some help with the issue of your mom touching you in uncomfortable places. It feels uncomfortable because your body knows it's wrong.

[mightynancy]

Xenos, IMO the "honor thy father and mother" commandment is about bringing honor to your parents by your actions. I don't think it has anything to do with obeying your parents at all costs.

You've been given good advice above - I just don't want to you to feel like you're breaking a commandment if you stop letting your mother treat you badly.

[pam]

Honoring works both ways. The same with respect. Must be earned in my opinion.

[ztodd]

Tell your mom you love her but you can't allow the inappropriate touching to continue. If necessary, you might even need to say you won't be hugging her until she gets some help with that. But that does NOT mean that you don't love her. Emphasize that for her.

I'm so sorry that certain things about being carefree as other children is being taken away from you- but I guess it's your calling in life to learn some adult responsibility at an early age so that you can help your mom with her problem. But you certainly don't have to be alone in helping her- you should definitely have other trusted adults to help you.

[Guest DeborahC]

I'm sorry but it is not this young woman's problem to "help her mother" do anything!

Her problem right now is to help herself and to get herself out of that situation, right away!

A pedophile is a pedophile and in all my years, I know of not one that has been reformed... ever!

The best thing for her to do is to get out right now! At 16, she's old enough to find another, safe place to live until she can make it on her own.

Telling her to "help her mother" is not the best advice, in my viewpoint, and I've stood in her shoes.

Pray for her mother, yes!

Help her mother? That's going to take intervention and it should start by removing her from the environment.

[ztodd]

Oh, I know Xenos should and can only do so much to "help" her mom- I was mainly only thinking about how she needs to respond when she's in that situation with her mom, to let her know that she can't allow her mom's behavior to continue- in other words, to not even give her hugs until she knows that her mom is on her way to changing her behavior. I know that can be tough though, so ya gotta make sure to still let her know ya love her.

[rameumptom]

Sit down with your Mom and tell her that you love her, but you have limits to touching, as some things make you uncomfortable. Tell her what the hugging limits are. If she is willing to accept those limits, you will be glad to give her all the hugs she wants. If not, then she's on her own.

If your father is there in the home, you may want to talk to him about it, as well. Final point would be discuss it with your town's social services/Family services/Child services. If there is abuse involved, then your Mom needs help to stop it. If your Mom is that depressed, you can mention to them your concerns of how she is doing irrational things, and they will get her help - and get you into a safer environment until she is better.

[rameumptom]

I'm sorry but it is not this young woman's problem to "help her mother" do anything!

Her problem right now is to help herself and to get herself out of that situation, right away!

A pedophile is a pedophile and in all my years, I know of not one that has been reformed... ever!

The best thing for her to do is to get out right now! At 16, she's old enough to find another, safe place to live until she can make it on her own.

Telling her to "help her mother" is not the best advice, in my viewpoint, and I've stood in her shoes.

Pray for her mother, yes!

Help her mother? That's going to take intervention and it should start by removing her from the environment.

There's a difference between a pedophile and a sexual abuser/molester. Molesters can be treated and reformed. Most people are not pedophiles and are treatable. Most pedophiles usually have an age group with whom they are attached, and are not interested in any children outside of that age range.

How do I know this? I work as a counselor in a prison system, and we receive training on all this stuff.

But I do agree with the rest of your post. She needs to seek help from state/local professionals, if her mother will not change. They will get both of them the assistance they need. You can also talk with your bishop, who by law must assist and notify authorities of abuse issues.

[countrygirl66]

There's a difference between a pedophile and a sexual abuser/molester. Molesters can be treated and reformed. Most people are not pedophiles and are treatable. Most pedophiles usually have an age group with whom they are attached, and are not interested in any children outside of that age range.

How do I know this? I work as a counselor in a prison system, and we receive training on all this stuff.

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You may see a difference and clinically there may be, but my question is have you lived the difference personally? I have been there and done that. No they don't change, they may learn to keep themselves out of a situation where they will fall into temptation, but no I haven't seen much change other than they don't want to get into trouble again.

Xenos,

my advice is that you will need an adult as your advocate to keep you safe. It can be a family member or not. Your mom is crossing a line that will interfere with your filtering what you accept in life and what you don't. In my experience when I told and worked to get help that the offender became extremely angry and portrayed me as the bad person and her as the victim, that is why you need and adult as an advocate. Pray for strength and protection. Heavenly father will help you to be strong and find the right people to help you. Take gentle care and know you are not guilty of anything here. Honor thy mother and father, a difficult one when they have betrayed your trust and boundries. I would just say that for me honoring my variety of parents has meant not allowing them to cross boundries that are not ok for me. First and formost honor your heavenly parents and those who behave like them. I'll be praying for you.

Edited October 27, 2008 by countrygirl66

[NeuroTypical]

"Honor thy mother and father right?"

It's very important to know what honoring someone means, and what it does not mean. You honor your mother by not allowing her to commit crimes and distance herself from righteousness even further.

[Guest DeborahC]

The OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY defines PEDOPHILE:

A. n. An adult who is sexually attracted to children.

That is my definition also.

This ADULT mother is sexually attracted to her CHILD and is ABUSING her.

She is a pedophile.

She is NOT likely to change and if this girl has children of her own, she'd be wise not to leave them alone with her mother, in my experienced opinion!

[FunkyTown]

Seriously, Xenos. I know you love your Mom, but you aren't doing her any favors there. You need to get out of the house. There are many places to go for help. Have you considered speaking to your Bishop? He might be able to get you another place to live. I'm sure of it.

[Heavenguard]

Guys, bickering over the semantics helps no one at all, especially not Xenos.

By "help", I meant to stop her (the mom's) actions in the overall sense, which I think everyone agrees is what needs to happen, regardless of label.

[zookeeper]

Good luck Xenos. Unfortunately having a uterus doesn't guarantee even the most basic mothering skills. I hope there are women in your life that are good examples of what a mother is.

[pam]

I had an interesting message from one of our beloved posters today. I have to agree with what this person said.

First step...Call the police. I know this sounds harsh but if it were anyone else but your mother you would in a heartbeat. Sometimes this is what the person needs to "wake" them up.

Then let the Bishop work with the rest after that. Sitting down and explaining to your mother would not solve anything at this point. Did she not say..she is your mother and can do what she want with you? Well sorry but she can't.

What she is doing is illegal and is wrong. Get the authorities involved. Let them help her get the help she needs. Then you can work on yourself. It's tough love but sometimes that's what it takes.

I've never been in your shoes so I can't totally relate. That I will admit. But I've been around enough years to know that unless you get to the heart of the problem nothing will change. The heart of the problem is that your mother needs help.